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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I was made to feel bad (and get into debt!) for no reason!!

126 replies

tatoowooo · 22/04/2021 20:31

I have NC'd For this but to cut a long story short. About 3 years ago a best friend of mine was getting married, she announced the wedding would be abroad. (8 months notice) After a lot of thought I came to the conclusion that I couldn't afford to go. Anyway, after A LOT of conversations and persuasions..."please come, it won't be the same without you, I need you there, and I can't believe you won't be there to watch me get married" etc etc

I decided to get a credit card (my decision I know) and book the holiday.

Now back to today, I call round to my friend and she's moving house so I'm helping her pack. There's a frame beside her bed (with two characters made from pebbles etc and a date above it! I said awhhh look this is cute, yes she said dh gave it to me this year on our wedding date. I said....errm the date Is wrong though it's says x date and your wedding was on y date! Oh yeah she said, we did a registry office wedding before we went, we had too and because my Nan and my SIL couldn't come to the wedding and we had a dinner after!!! I said nothing...but my heart sank! They had a wedding TWO WEEKS before the wedding that they persuaded me to take out a credit card for when she just could have invited me to the real bloody thing!! I KNOW I'm being too emotional over this and what's done is done AND they are entitled to do it whatever way they want!! But I agonised over it, she knew my finances at the time. I just feel like I've been had Sad

OP posts:
LagneyandCasey · 22/04/2021 20:38

You should have stood your ground and not gone to the wedding if you couldn't afford it, no matter how much your friend begged you. She sounds uncaring tbh.

ShaneTheThird · 22/04/2021 20:40

What a dickhead your friend is. I would be furious and tell her so.

Original poster
tatoowooo · 22/04/2021 20:40

@LagneyandCasey I know, I'm so annoyed at myself. I'm actually gobsmacked that she did this. It's all paid off now but I'm so upset and angry that it could have been avoided!

OP posts:
Original poster
tatoowooo · 22/04/2021 20:51

@ShaneTheThird I really don't know what to say. I'm so disappointed in her.

OP posts:
Livpool · 22/04/2021 20:52

My friend did this and we found out by accident. I was pissed off - mostly because it was the first holiday DS came on. And it wasn't somewhere I would have chosen to go.

It is cheeky

transformandriseup · 22/04/2021 20:57

I would be massively pissed off Angry

HowManyToes · 22/04/2021 20:57

Your friend is a dickhead. But then I think people who have destination weddings and expect ppl to pay a fortune to come are all dickheads.

Purpleweeks · 22/04/2021 21:00

I think it's not our of the norm to have a registry office service and the show wedding abroad but it is unreasonable to pressurise anyone to attend.

DoYouRememberTheInnMiranda · 22/04/2021 21:00

I'm sure I read a thread on here earlier today where the concensus(sp?!) was it's fine to have a legal wedding before the celebration wedding later, and that it's no one else's business whether they see the legal wedding or the one just for show.
Isn't that basically this?

Hankunamatata · 22/04/2021 21:02

3 years ago. Let it go. You decided to go and get a credit card, no matter how much friend persuaded.

Original poster
tatoowooo · 22/04/2021 21:02

@Purpleweeks I never knew this at all, she was the first out of all of my friends to get married never mind have a destination wedding. I just don't know why she could ask me to go to the registry one , I get on with all of her family, I practically am family as I grew up with her from age 7. She had no friends as bridesmaids though as she has 3 sisters. In fact the more I think about it...they all kept it from me Sad

OP posts:
osbertthesyrianhamster · 22/04/2021 21:03

This is why we decline all destination weddings. A lot of them are fake weddings for show. Your friend's a dickhead. I'd actually end the friendship over this. I think it's an incredible twatish thing to do, ask people to go witness some fake wedding.

Original poster
tatoowooo · 22/04/2021 21:04

@Hankunamatata yeah I probably should.

OP posts:
gwenneh · 22/04/2021 21:05

Marked difference in these replies to the "(AIBU) To get married before my wedding" thread. I agree with the consensus there, that this is quite frequently done, and isn't a social slight.

OnlyheretovoteonAIBU · 22/04/2021 21:05

Real friends don’t expect their friends to get into debt to attend their weddings.

FilthyforFirth · 22/04/2021 21:05

Did you say anything? As I would have had to. Along the lines of 'why couldnt I also have attended the real wedding given I struggled to afford the after party?'

RealisticSketch · 22/04/2021 21:06

She railroaded you. Ok so, you didn't stand your ground, but when a lot of pressure is brought to bear that sometimes happens. Next time I imagine you would be more likely to be unmoved. However, not only did she railroad you and put you under pressure but she was also duplicitous because she created another option which she didn't bother telling you about, deliberately hid that option in fact, despite knowing you would have taken that by preference. She did that cos she had what she wanted (her dream wedding attended by as many people as possible) and was happy to let you shoulder the burden.
Pretty crap thing for a friend to do really.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 22/04/2021 21:06

[quote tatoowooo]@Purpleweeks I never knew this at all, she was the first out of all of my friends to get married never mind have a destination wedding. I just don't know why she could ask me to go to the registry one , I get on with all of her family, I practically am family as I grew up with her from age 7. She had no friends as bridesmaids though as she has 3 sisters. In fact the more I think about it...they all kept it from me Sad[/quote]
It's an important lesson to learn. She manipulated you and lied to you. Just would not want to remain friends with her and would tell her why. Again, now you know, these destination weddings are usually fake. I agree with HowMany.

Butchyrestingface · 22/04/2021 21:06

@DoYouRememberTheInnMiranda

I'm sure I read a thread on here earlier today where the concensus(sp?!) was it's fine to have a legal wedding before the celebration wedding later, and that it's no one else's business whether they see the legal wedding or the one just for show. Isn't that basically this?
Glad to see I am not the only cynic on this thread. Wink
Aprilshowersandhail · 22/04/2021 21:07

Deliberately send a mahoosive card on the date you assumed it was on!

Original poster
tatoowooo · 22/04/2021 21:07

@FilthyforFirth I was so choked that I just said "oh ok Confused" I should have spoken up. I then made an excuse about 20mjns later that I had to go. My stomach was in knots

OP posts:
osbertthesyrianhamster · 22/04/2021 21:08

@gwenneh

Marked difference in these replies to the "(AIBU) To get married before my wedding" thread. I agree with the consensus there, that this is quite frequently done, and isn't a social slight.
I missed that one. I think it's a real slight. It's a fake show with the guests as props. You should at least tell guests the truth so they can decide if they want to spend their money watching a crap play.
Idontgiveagriffindamn · 22/04/2021 21:08

You’d have probably been invited to the registry office wedding if you had stood your ground and not gone.
You need to learn how to put yourself first and say no.

Original poster
tatoowooo · 22/04/2021 21:08

@Butchyrestingface I haven't seen that thread but thank you I'll have read and maybe understand it from her perspective perhaps

OP posts:
osbertthesyrianhamster · 22/04/2021 21:09

[quote tatoowooo]@FilthyforFirth I was so choked that I just said "oh ok Confused" I should have spoken up. I then made an excuse about 20mjns later that I had to go. My stomach was in knots [/quote]
Sounds like she has a rather bullying effect on you. All the more reason to get rid of her.

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