To think I was made to feel bad (and get into debt!) for no reason!!

[tatoowooo]

I have NC'd For this but to cut a long story short. About 3 years ago a best friend of mine was getting married, she announced the wedding would be abroad. (8 months notice) After a lot of thought I came to the conclusion that I couldn't afford to go. Anyway, after A LOT of conversations and persuasions..."please come, it won't be the same without you, I need you there, and I can't believe you won't be there to watch me get married" etc etc

I decided to get a credit card (my decision I know) and book the holiday.

Now back to today, I call round to my friend and she's moving house so I'm helping her pack. There's a frame beside her bed (with two characters made from pebbles etc and a date above it! I said awhhh look this is cute, yes she said dh gave it to me this year on our wedding date. I said....errm the date Is wrong though it's says x date and your wedding was on y date! Oh yeah she said, we did a registry office wedding before we went, we had too and because my Nan and my SIL couldn't come to the wedding and we had a dinner after!!! I said nothing...but my heart sank! They had a wedding TWO WEEKS before the wedding that they persuaded me to take out a credit card for when she just could have invited me to the real bloody thing!! I KNOW I'm being too emotional over this and what's done is done AND they are entitled to do it whatever way they want!! But I agonised over it, she knew my finances at the time. I just feel like I've been had

I agree, Schrodinger, don't think it's dramatic, either. People should know before they decide to spunk a load of money on travel, use annual leave/holiday time to go, etc.

I wouldn't be annoyed by the "legal" wedding before the "show" wedding part. And taking out a credit card was your choice and you could have said "no".

But a real friend would not pressure you to attend something you could not afford

Again, this is what 90% of these destination weddings are, though, a performance fake wedding

I'm amazed more people don't know this, especially after the highly publicised Jerry Hall/Mick Jagger case.

It's all ME ME ME with these bridezillas . Yanbu op.

@HotChoc10 would you mind if people to attended the civil ceremony?

If not, then maybe just add it to the invite, something like this:

If you would like to witness our civil ceremony it is on date at place, please contact us for more information.

@LakieLady

Again, this is what 90% of these destination weddings are, though, a performance fake wedding

I'm amazed more people don't know this, especially after the highly publicised Jerry Hall/Mick Jagger case.

Yeah, me, too.

I wouldn't go to a destination wedding for ANYone. I think it's the most selfish, thoughtless, and obnoxious people who do it. DH and I have been invited to 3 in the past 10 years, and declined all 3. One of them was a relative of his, who sulked like a petulant child when we said no. 'But whyyyyy ??? Wah wah wah.....'

We said 'because we don't want to go. We're not spending money on air fares and hotel bills and everything else related to a week in Cancun, Mexico, because we don't want to go.' If we wanted to spend £3,000 plus on a trip, we'd go somewhere more interesting, not a glorified version of Spain.

This (distant) relative of DH's slagged us off for WEEKS, to anyone who would listen, until another 2 couples, and 2 other individual people pulled out. Ba ha ha...

YANBU @tatoowooo But you can't do much about it now.

I'd be fucking her off into ex-friend territory though. She's a selfish cow. And she's no friend to you. So what if some people get married first, and have the 'show wedding'??? She lied to you.

[quote PurpleBiro21]@HotChoc10 would you mind if people to attended the civil ceremony?

If not, then maybe just add it to the invite, something like this:

If you would like to witness our civil ceremony it is on date at place, please contact us for more information.[/quote]
I certainly wouldn't mind but the local registry office only holds a handful of people so not really an option!

@LakieLady

Again, this is what 90% of these destination weddings are, though, a performance fake wedding

I'm amazed more people don't know this, especially after the highly publicised Jerry Hall/Mick Jagger case.

Yeah, but as OP I too would believe it's an actual wedding based on what her friend was saying. Weddings abroad can be recognised here if people did it as it should be

I wouldn't go to a destination wedding for ANYone. I think it's the most selfish, thoughtless, and obnoxious people who do it.

MN at its best . We only need the "wedding won't last more than 3 weeks" and bingo!

If you don't want to go, just... don't. No need to project so much anger and bitterness.

Weddings abroad can be recognised here if people did it as it should be

Yeah, IIRC you have to file the certificate if it's a registry thing in another country. Had some friends who eloped to Vegas and it counted as a real wedding. A lot of the weddings on Don't Tell the Bride are fake, too.

It's astonishing how much drama people can create about nothing, and how some posters manage to turn round anything about them, even a friend's wedding

Back in the real world, you get invited to weddings from different religions, in different countries, humanist, any kind of wedding. You decline, or you go because you like the people.

Only on MN would someone throw a strop because they feel they have been lied to and did not witness the actual legal signature or something and unless it's on THEIR term, it doesn't count.

being around you must be utterly exhausting.

@AnneLovesGilbert

I think YABU. Purely because you’re an adult and what you do with your time and money is entirely your decision. You weren’t bullied, you were persuaded and that was a choice. No one would convince me to get a credit card and pay for a wedding or a holiday that I couldn’t afford. Worth thinking about why you did that rather than raging impotently like this.

Yeah I was about to say exactly this. She didn’t MAKE you take out a credit card.

And in real life, that's what people do, just decline. Never heard of anyone stropping but bridezillas who then throw the teddy out the pram when people decline going to a destination wedding.

I did go to one. But it was all paid for. The bride's family was rich as Croesus. It was legal, too (my ex h was the groom's brother) ;).

A lot of my friends have got married in registry office first and then had the apparently ‘show wedding’ ie the day they celebrate with friends and family. Jews, Hindus, humanists - they have to have the legal bit too. I’ve never felt aggrieved!

That said...what is odd is that her husband gave her a thing showing the date as their wedding date. If she regards that as having been the ‘real’ wedding, then it is a bit shit.

There's no drama in saying I wouldn't want to travel a long way to see a fake wedding, ag, except the one you're projecting onto other people. I see it's caressed a little nerve of yours.

@apooagnuandyou

Nothing wrong in making the most important part of your wedding the one YOU chose.

It's a bit sad if you are so hung up on a piece of paper frankly. As long as it's the REAL wedding for the bride and groom, who cares. They are not lying. Signing the papers at the registry office can have as much warmth and glamour as buying a car and mean nothing.

If you don't want to go to destination weddings, don't go.
But you can't be miffed because you don't consider it the "real" wedding, when it actually IS the real one and the one that counts for the bride and groom. It's not about you.

But that’s not what’s happening here - the bride and and groom are celebrating the registry date that OP wasn’t invited to and didn’t know about as their real wedding. If the couple aren’t treating the destination wedding as the real event, then I don’t blame the OP for feeling hurt that she wasn’t celebrating the meaningful life event that she thought she was.

FWIW I had a separate civil wedding at the registry office and religious wedding/reception but no one would have expected the latter to be the legal one as our religious ceremonies do not constitute a legal wedding in this country. I understand people will be upset at being mislead.

Exactly, Blue. Some of my family are in a country where any religious ceremony or ANY ceremony besides a civil one does not constitute a legal marriage, you have to have a civil one for it to be legal. Again, everyone knows this and it's usually the same day or the day before the religious one (in this country, it's also the custom to have the religious ceremony late in the day, late afternoon or even evening, with the party straight after).

But that's not the case here.

What I also believe is that UK marriage laws really need to move into the 21st century!

I have family in the US and getting married there, provided you are legally free to marry, pretty much anything goes, places, celebrants (the celebrant needs to be legally licensed but it's not a hard process. You do have to say some legal jargon for it to be legal but it's pretty short and non-religious, basically, I'm committing to this person legally as my lawful spouse and am legally free to marry by both parties and then you're free to add whatever you'd like) and time of day in most states.

It's really antiquated here, IMO, and leads to this kind of scenario.

You made the choice to go.
It was still a special occasion for her and she obviously wanted you there.
You could and probably should have said no.

One of the best weddings I've been to, and I've been to a lot as I have 52 first cousins, was a second wedding for both (they were in their mid-40s/early 50s), on a hilltop outside Boulder, Colorado at 3pm in late Spring (the days are quite long there, too) on a Saturday.

They hired a registrar/justice of the peace, to marry them outside, totally legal. They had then booked out an entire camping ground a bit further out for the celebration.

Everyone headed over with tents, sleeping bags and tons of food, all sorts ;) to celebrate and we were asked to bring our portable BBQs as the site had designated places for this and any musical instruments. We guests also signed up to provide sides, they provided the meat and veggie options (although people brought even more food in cool boxes), kegs of beer and casks of home brewed mead and wine (we all brought some, too) and the cake.

It was awesome! They did not make any statement about gifts but people gave them money, donated to their favourite charities and had a true wedding feast.

Their parents were older and some family so they left to stay in hotels but everyone else, we partied till dawn!

@osbertthesyrianhamster

There's no drama in saying I wouldn't want to travel a long way to see a fake wedding, ag, except the one you're projecting onto other people. I see it's caressed a little nerve of yours.

nice little goady post, but no, I just happen to have an opinion and find the over-reaction from posters as funny as it is ridiculous

Don't travel if you don't want to.

You don't get to decide what is fake and what is not though... It's not about YOU.

You don't get to decide what is fake and what is not though... It's not about YOU.

No, dear, the law decides. 😂 😂 😂 If it's not legal, it's not a wedding. It's a play, a show, it doesn't hold up in court (see Mic Jagger and Jerry Hall, she made sure it was legal the next time ).

Newsflash: everyone else has an opinion, too. I find your own just as over-reactive.

Being invited to a celebration after the real event is like being asked to the evening do and not the wedding -- close friends would expect to attend both.

osbertthesyrianhamster

I just find it very curious that instead of cheering and celebrating with your friends on what is the day that actually matters to them, as opposed to a boring formality they don't care about, you are so hung up on the "legal" side of things.

You are not their lawyer, why would you remotely care? It's really not about YOU.

So you refuse to go to a birthday party that is not held on people's actual birthDAY because it doesn't count either?

Surely you don't go to wedding parties either, the signature at the registry office are enough for you. The wedding breakfast and parties are only for show anyway.

Strange and a rather depressing and self-centred way to look at things.

You are not their lawyer, why would you remotely care? It's really not about YOU.

Who is saying it is? You really have a bone to pick over this, where you the OP's friend , sounds like it. An invitation is about YOU, as you keep putting it. It's addressed to you. So if you don't care to see a fake wedding, then YOU decline the invitation. It's what happens IRL. But marriage is a legal contract and the legal part is what makes it so, anything else is a play ceremony.

A birthday doesn't involve a ceremony.