To think I was made to feel bad (and get into debt!) for no reason!!

[tatoowooo]

I have NC'd For this but to cut a long story short. About 3 years ago a best friend of mine was getting married, she announced the wedding would be abroad. (8 months notice) After a lot of thought I came to the conclusion that I couldn't afford to go. Anyway, after A LOT of conversations and persuasions..."please come, it won't be the same without you, I need you there, and I can't believe you won't be there to watch me get married" etc etc

I decided to get a credit card (my decision I know) and book the holiday.

Now back to today, I call round to my friend and she's moving house so I'm helping her pack. There's a frame beside her bed (with two characters made from pebbles etc and a date above it! I said awhhh look this is cute, yes she said dh gave it to me this year on our wedding date. I said....errm the date Is wrong though it's says x date and your wedding was on y date! Oh yeah she said, we did a registry office wedding before we went, we had too and because my Nan and my SIL couldn't come to the wedding and we had a dinner after!!! I said nothing...but my heart sank! They had a wedding TWO WEEKS before the wedding that they persuaded me to take out a credit card for when she just could have invited me to the real bloody thing!! I KNOW I'm being too emotional over this and what's done is done AND they are entitled to do it whatever way they want!! But I agonised over it, she knew my finances at the time. I just feel like I've been had

I think you are over reacting. She invited you to the celebration of their marriage. That is what you attended. You are acting like she convinced you to lie on the witness stand in court. Yes, it's a party. But that's what weddings are.

For everyone who is saying they only like the actual legal moment of marriage, so I presume you leave immediately afterwards and dont stay for the meal or the reception, that's just a party after all. I presume you refuse to listen to the vows or any readings etc, be in any photos, dress up, none of that is legally required or part of the actual "marriage".

Speaks volumes that two if her close relatives chose not to go.

Her gran was too old and wouldn't get on a plane and her SIL was heavily pregnant. Ah I just feel let down... but anyway

YABU

it was up to you to decline.

Now treating the legal wedding as a formality, and the Destination wedding as the REAL wedding is not wrong. It's quite common in countries where you HAVE to get married legally before church wedding, hotel, or anywhere else you want to wear your white dress.

SchrodingersImmigrant

Well "legal marriage" is the most important part. It should never be a quick "add on".*

Is it really?

If you are in a country where the legal marriage is mandatory, is it the most important while the church wedding doesn't count?
of course it's not, and it's fine.

YOU can put the emphasis on your legal marriage if you want, but it's quite common for people to treat the other part as the real one. Not everyone can have a legal marriage in church for example.

YANBU. A valuable lesson to never be coerced into anything.

She’s not a good friend, a good friend wouldn’t have forced you into debt whilst knowing your financial situation to attend her wedding.

Watch out for her in future, she’ll be making you give her free childcare next.

@apooagnuandyou

SchrodingersImmigrant

Well "legal marriage" is the most important part. It should never be a quick "add on".*

Is it really?

If you are in a country where the legal marriage is mandatory, is it the most important while the church wedding doesn't count?
of course it's not, and it's fine.

YOU can put the emphasis on your legal marriage if you want, but it's quite common for people to treat the other part as the real one. Not everyone can have a legal marriage in church for example.

In such places, it's well-known this is the case and often, the legal marriage happens on the same day. The guests know this. But this is not pervasive in the UK, particularly if the couple has a CoE, CoS or other Christian church wedding.

The situation here is that a lot of couples in the UK want to have a destination wedding, but it's not a real wedding as it's not legal and so the real marriage is in the UK and the rest is just a play with a party after.

Fine as long as they are truthful about this to guests who can then accept or decline.

Some friends' of mine, their son and his wife had a humanist celebration with a reception outdoors. His sister performed the ceremony. So of course it was obvious to all that they had legally married elsewhere (that morning) and the celebration was just that.

In this case the friend lied to her friend and manipulated her into paying to see a fake wedding.

@apooagnuandyou

SchrodingersImmigrant

Well "legal marriage" is the most important part. It should never be a quick "add on".*

Is it really?

If you are in a country where the legal marriage is mandatory, is it the most important while the church wedding doesn't count?
of course it's not, and it's fine.

YOU can put the emphasis on your legal marriage if you want, but it's quite common for people to treat the other part as the real one. Not everyone can have a legal marriage in church for example.

When you actually sign up to each other is the important part. The rest is fun.

Pretend weddings are weird, make people spend money on a party, because that's waht it is, when "normal "party would never cost as much, and I am talking guests, and if lying is involved, it's just crass.

As others have said, it's completely normal to have a legal wedding before a religious or symbolic ceremony, especially if getting married abroad. Ours was 10 minutes at city hall with our parents. No rings, no music, no readings, the absolute minimum vows. I couldn't tell you the date without looking it up. Our wedding and the moment we consider ourselves as getting married was the ceremony where we made vows in front of our closest family and friends, exchanged rings and celebrated with our loved ones. YABVU to think she has hoodwinked you or that you should've been invited to the legal ceremony.

YANBU at all to think she is a complete asshole to have put you under pressure to attend, and tbh YWBU to go into debt to do so. By all means rethink the friendship because she was an asshole, but don't get caught up in the legality of the wedding you attended.

Nothing wrong in making the most important part of your wedding the one YOU chose.

It's a bit sad if you are so hung up on a piece of paper frankly. As long as it's the REAL wedding for the bride and groom, who cares. They are not lying. Signing the papers at the registry office can have as much warmth and glamour as buying a car and mean nothing.

If you don't want to go to destination weddings, don't go.
But you can't be miffed because you don't consider it the "real" wedding, when it actually IS the real one and the one that counts for the bride and groom. It's not about you.

I can see where you're coming from. I think you're getting the two things confused though (hiding the real wedding and the pressuring you to save money).

I had a destination wedding. It was complicated for us and me and my husband are from different countries so we chose a 'neutral' third country. We would have been happy if it was just the two of us so didnt even send around formal invites, just told friends when we were getting married and said if they fancied a holiday they were welcome to join us, but no pressure. We paid for our siblings to fly out as they might not have been able to afford it and stayed in a budget hotel. Because we are both from different countries though the legalities of getting married there were a nightmare, we would have had to spend a week at various embassies back and forth. So we did the registry bit beforehand in the UK. We had 4 family members there, no bridesmaid, beat man, speeches etc and went to a local bistro afterwards but since we hadn't seen them in a while but to us it was genuinely just paperwork,there was no emotion, we didn't exchange rings, we didn't have any ceremony above the legal minimum, we dont even remember the date - we have to look it up. To us, the ceremony at the destination was where we said our vows, made promises to each other, and celebrated. When people ask when we got married we tell them this date. This is the date we celebrate our wedding anniversary. This is the date that we felt married. It literally never crossed my mind to tell anyone that the paperwork had been done earlier, I didn't think anyone would think of it as a 'fake' wedding, because it wasn't, to us.

To me it's like when you turn 18 and have a party, well legally you were probably 18 the week before but you waited til the following weekend to celebrate. Or you have a celebration for moving house, or getting a new job. The paperwork has been all done before the party, so technically it's all 'fake' because the guests never actually witnessed the new job contract being signed, or the paperwork for the house. I guess it depends whether you think guests are there to witness the legal side or to celebrate with you. I can see both sides I guess but i think calling it 'lying' is a bit strong.

Pressuring anyone to spend a load of money to celebrate something in your life though, especially when they have already told you they cant afford it, is horrible. I think if you have a destination wedding, or a wedding that's tricky for people to get to, you've got to have the attitude of whoever turns up, it's fine. And I can see why you're annoyed about this, but the fact that she had an alternative that you may have been able to attend because you know her family well, and the fact she celebrates this date as well, would upset most people.

The most important part of the wedding is up to the couple. People having Covid-era weddings don't always want their legal weddings to be "the real thing" and are looking forward to a big do. Your friend was totally in the wrong to strongarm you. But not in the wrong not to invite you to the ceremony which was for family. Ditch her though as she knew you couldn't afford that trip.

(I'm aware this wasn't a Covid-era wedding btw.)

Phase her out. She's not nice to you.

I think it should have been made clearer in the beginning. A wedding is the legal bit when papers are signed, anything else is a 'wedding celebration' and not the real wedding. You have been lied to by your friend and for that I would end the friendship.

I can understand why you’re upset but you really need to stand your ground in future, your friend should have respected your first answer. No ones wedding is worth getting into debt for, I wouldn’t even do that for my own wedding.

@gwenneh

Marked difference in these replies to the "(AIBU) To get married before my wedding" thread. I agree with the consensus there, that this is quite frequently done, and isn't a social slight.

But the op on that one wasn't planning to lie as far as I remember

@Planttrees

I think it should have been made clearer in the beginning. A wedding is the legal bit when papers are signed, anything else is a 'wedding celebration' and not the real wedding. You have been lied to by your friend and for that I would end the friendship.

what a lot of nonsense.

If you are that hung up about the "real wedding" why would you bother going to anything but the signature of the paperwork.

The real wedding is the one that counts for the bride and groom, again, it's not about YOU.

No guest ever checks that the wedding they are invited to is the "legal" part. No one cares. It's not what it's about.

@apooagnuandyou

No guest ever checks that the wedding they are invited to is the "legal" part. No one cares. It's not what it's about.

Because people don't expect to spend all that money on going just to a party. Which is what that is if there isn't an actual wedding. An overpriced party and in OP's friend's case with an extra added lie.

only people I know who had a wedding party, which is what they called it, long after actual wedding are couples from different countries and host these in them while wedding took place in (usually) common country. But guests know they are not going to a wedding, but a celebration of a wedding/wedding party.
Which is fine and really nice way to include everyone.

Because people don't expect to spend all that money on going just to a party. Which is what that is if there isn't an actual wedding. An overpriced party and in OP's friend's case with an extra added lie.

are you always that dramatic, or have you got a thing against wedding?

I find the idea that for guests the only things that matters is the "real" legal wedding quite funny. Completely untrue, but funny.

Hmmm... Ive spent thousands on destination weddings and had a ball

I don’t know and wouldn't care if the civil but had been done previously.

It is the more important bit, but what effectively becomes a week long/weekend long group party?

Count me in!

(I’ve also turned down a destination wedding, by the way as we couldn’t justify the costs at the time)

For myself I’ve always seen it as we had a marriage (the legal bit) then a party (wedding). I see all weddings like that as all that matters really is the civil part. The rest is just fun and games.

If you are invited to a wedding, you expect there being an actual wedding. If you are invited to a celebration party, you expect a celebration party.

But pretending the party is a wedding when wedding happened well before, is just weird.
Like if you were invited for a dinner and when you get there you get small pack of crisps on aplate, because they had dinner earlier. Weird. But if you are told "come we will have snacks and drinks after dinner time" it's fine.

And yes. I am sometimes dramatic. But I don't think this is the case

Sorry to railroad the OP but as someone who is planning on doing similar - not abroad and certainly not encouraging anyone to get out a credit card... But getting married legally at a registry office then having a ceremony in front of my friends and family, because the venue we want isn't licensed for weddings...

When/how exactly would you make it clear to people attending that it won't be the legal bit? As it seems to be important to people here that it's made clear up front. Put a caveat on the invitations? Speak to every guest individually to say 'oh by the way we're doing the legal bit earlier, thought you should know'

I can't think of a way that seems natural, and I also can't imagine for the life of me that if a friend or family member arranged it in this way, that I'd be anything but happy for them and glad to still share in their vows.