To think I was made to feel bad (and get into debt!) for no reason!!

[tatoowooo]

I have NC'd For this but to cut a long story short. About 3 years ago a best friend of mine was getting married, she announced the wedding would be abroad. (8 months notice) After a lot of thought I came to the conclusion that I couldn't afford to go. Anyway, after A LOT of conversations and persuasions..."please come, it won't be the same without you, I need you there, and I can't believe you won't be there to watch me get married" etc etc

I decided to get a credit card (my decision I know) and book the holiday.

Now back to today, I call round to my friend and she's moving house so I'm helping her pack. There's a frame beside her bed (with two characters made from pebbles etc and a date above it! I said awhhh look this is cute, yes she said dh gave it to me this year on our wedding date. I said....errm the date Is wrong though it's says x date and your wedding was on y date! Oh yeah she said, we did a registry office wedding before we went, we had too and because my Nan and my SIL couldn't come to the wedding and we had a dinner after!!! I said nothing...but my heart sank! They had a wedding TWO WEEKS before the wedding that they persuaded me to take out a credit card for when she just could have invited me to the real bloody thing!! I KNOW I'm being too emotional over this and what's done is done AND they are entitled to do it whatever way they want!! But I agonised over it, she knew my finances at the time. I just feel like I've been had

I'd give yourself a few days to process the news before deciding how to handle things.

You absolutely had a choice about getting into debt to attend the destination wedding but you almost certainly would have made a different decision had you known the wedding you were invited to was just for show and the real ceremony was taking place closer to home.

I would be so upset about the deception I'm not sure I could continue to be friends. Yes, you should have stood your ground but equally what kind of friend pressures you to spend money they know you don't have, it's extremely selfish.

I think I would want a conversation about it but I wouldn't want an argument. Perhaps you could write down what you would like to say, put is aside for a few days and then look at it again and decide if you still feel the same way.

[quote honeybeetheoneandonly]@Fespital, so if a couple were having a big white church wedding, hotel reception, food, band and party one day but had the "admin" registry bit on a different day, are you saying you'd rather be there for the signing of the documents rather than the actual celebration?
OP, I think you need to talk to your friend about it or it will become the elephant in the room (and she won't even know it).[/quote]
Yes absolutely. I would rather be at the legal wedding than anything else. Lots of people are downplaying the actual part where people get married. You call it simply 'the signing of the documents'. But to me that's when people actually become married. Everything else is just a show/party/celebration.

Unless it is going to be in a church the majority of abroad weddings involve a civil ceremony before the day. Even in the UK many people are opting for humanist weddings and in England that means you need to go to a registry office before.
I don't really see how this changes you choosing to get in debt to go? It was your choice and YABU to be hung up on it 3 years later, and blaming your friend instead of taking responsibility.

I don’t have a problem with split legal and social parts - but I accept that others do.

However, YABVVVVU to blame her for your credit card debt. You’re not 13. That was your choice. She didn’t force you to dorks money you didn’t have. I’m sure you had a nice d holiday anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️

It wouldn’t bother me that the do abroad was not the actual wedding. But she should have made that clear.

It would massively bother me that she badgered someone who had said they couldn’t afford it, to attend.

I'm so sorry this happened to you but I think it could be good for you.
Have a good long look at this friendship and see how one-way it's been over the years.
I bet you are there for her, help, spend money, listen, change plans etc far more than she is for you.
Your like family when she needs you but not when she doesn't.
You could stay friends just re-draw your boundaries or you could decide you don't trust her anymore and don't want a more superficial friendship.
I would also look at your boundaries in general.
Something similar to this happened to me when I was getting married, I realised someone I had chosen to put myself out for frequently over many years in the mistaken belief that if I needed her she would step up too wouldn't.
I had thought it just so happened I needed less until I needed a little support, nothing major just a slight effort and it wasn't forthcoming.
It opened my eyes to my own lack of boundaries and while I don't feel bad for being someone with an instinct to help now I am just a bit more choosy about where I put my efforts.

You should of said no, but you know this. I hope lesson is learned and you will have stronger boundaries now.

I’d really consider if this person is someone you want to remain ‘friends’ with, their behaviour has been disgusting and they have never told you about the real wedfing for 3 years.

@M0rT

I'm so sorry this happened to you but I think it could be good for you. Have a good long look at this friendship and see how one-way it's been over the years. I bet you are there for her, help, spend money, listen, change plans etc far more than she is for you. Your like family when she needs you but not when she doesn't. You could stay friends just re-draw your boundaries or you could decide you don't trust her anymore and don't want a more superficial friendship. I would also look at your boundaries in general. Something similar to this happened to me when I was getting married, I realised someone I had chosen to put myself out for frequently over many years in the mistaken belief that if I needed her she would step up too wouldn't. I had thought it just so happened I needed less until I needed a little support, nothing major just a slight effort and it wasn't forthcoming. It opened my eyes to my own lack of boundaries and while I don't feel bad for being someone with an instinct to help now I am just a bit more choosy about where I put my efforts.

Brilliant post!

Twatty of her but she didn’t hold you at gun point. I know she was being manipulative but you should have stood your ground.

Funny how on MN, when a person has children with an unmarried partner, is financially vulnerable and wants to marry but has a partner who tells him/her it's 'just a piece of paper' 'just a bit of legal jargon', the first responses are just how vital that 'legal bit' and 'piece of paper' are. But when it comes to people wanting to put on a fake production 'wedding' it's all fine to do the 'legal bit' and not tell guests they're watching a staged show.

Still your decision to go though. You had plenty of time to think about it. You need to tackle your own issue of being easiy led, and take responsibility for it.

Lots of people cannot afford to attend an abroad destination wedding
You could have made any kind of excuse not to have gone, but most people would just say that they cannot afford the time & money

Ultimately, you made the choice to attend

You can't change the past, but you can make better choices in the future

I wonder if those who think this is entirely the OP's fault for being easily persuaded believe that coercion and manipulation is possible in friendships as well as relationships.

The OP was denied a crucial piece of information when being pressured to attend the destination wedding; she was not told it was just for show and she was not told that a legal ceremony was taking place at home and would be attended by those who could not go to the "show wedding". If she had been aware she almost certainly would not have taken on debt after feeling pressured by her friend.

She has only just found out about this, 3 years after the fact, I'm not surprised she feels hurt, her friend has maintained the lie for 3 years and OP only found out by accident.

Wow, that's really upsetting. I'd be making her an ex-friend for that.

@FOJN

I wonder if those who think this is entirely the OP's fault for being easily persuaded believe that coercion and manipulation is possible in friendships as well as relationships.

The OP was denied a crucial piece of information when being pressured to attend the destination wedding; she was not told it was just for show and she was not told that a legal ceremony was taking place at home and would be attended by those who could not go to the "show wedding". If she had been aware she almost certainly would not have taken on debt after feeling pressured by her friend.

She has only just found out about this, 3 years after the fact, I'm not surprised she feels hurt, her friend has maintained the lie for 3 years and OP only found out by accident.

Totally agree with this.

The registery office ceremony taking place prior to the wedding wouldn’t bother me at all, esp as I do love a destination wedding and have been on a few. I kind of see along celebrating a birthday a few days/weeks after the actual day.

However, concealing that fact would piss me off and guilting/railroading me into attending when she knew I didn’t have the money would have made me livid.

In all honesty I would have held my ground at the time, but the friendship would be marred by the peer pressure and guilting.

What is it with people thinking a party is the actual wedding? Without the actual ceremony, it's a party. That's it.

@SchrodingersImmigrant

What is it with people thinking a party is the actual wedding? Without the actual ceremony, it's a party. That's it.

Exactly!

@SchrodingersImmigrant

What is it with people thinking a party is the actual wedding? Without the actual ceremony, it's a party. That's it.

I agree that without the ceremony it is just a party, I viewed my own wedding as ceremony + party (for the record, standard UK wedding), that’s essentially what they are.

However I’d have no problem with attending in those circumstances even if abroad.

I would have an issue with the B&G purposefully concealing the separated ceremonies to railroad me into incurring debt to attend. To use the MN mantra - it’s an invitation not a summons.

I feel for you op you got coerced into going because she kept on and on at you. Put this down to experience, but remember no is a complete answer for the future.

I would feel tricked. Not good. Even they don't view it as their 'real' wedding as they celebrate the registry office anniversary date.

[quote goldielockdown2 ]I would feel tricked. Not good. Even they don't view it as their 'real' wedding as they celebrate the registry office anniversary date. [/quote]
Well they can't view anything else bar the actual ceremony as their wedding anniversary.

"Party anniversary" sounds bit shit, doesn't it🙈

The lying was proper crass.

It was wrong of her to have a fake wedding after her real wedding and lie to her friends and family.

But equally, you could have stood up for yourself. She’s not to blame because you couldn’t say no and got yourself into debt.

Schrodingers some people who have a themed wedding or destination wedding with everyone present see that as the 'real' ceremony and the legal marriage just a quick add on they have to do.
This couple don't even view it like that. Poor OP.

Well "legal marriage" is the most important part. It should never be a quick "add on".

It's like saying "i bought a house" when you actually just stayed in Airbnb and printed out fake deeds😂

I think this attitude towards weddings when the party is the most important part of the wedding is pretty crap and really shows how little people value marriage sadly.