Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I was made to feel bad (and get into debt!) for no reason!!

126 replies

tatoowooo · 22/04/2021 20:31

I have NC'd For this but to cut a long story short. About 3 years ago a best friend of mine was getting married, she announced the wedding would be abroad. (8 months notice) After a lot of thought I came to the conclusion that I couldn't afford to go. Anyway, after A LOT of conversations and persuasions..."please come, it won't be the same without you, I need you there, and I can't believe you won't be there to watch me get married" etc etc

I decided to get a credit card (my decision I know) and book the holiday.

Now back to today, I call round to my friend and she's moving house so I'm helping her pack. There's a frame beside her bed (with two characters made from pebbles etc and a date above it! I said awhhh look this is cute, yes she said dh gave it to me this year on our wedding date. I said....errm the date Is wrong though it's says x date and your wedding was on y date! Oh yeah she said, we did a registry office wedding before we went, we had too and because my Nan and my SIL couldn't come to the wedding and we had a dinner after!!! I said nothing...but my heart sank! They had a wedding TWO WEEKS before the wedding that they persuaded me to take out a credit card for when she just could have invited me to the real bloody thing!! I KNOW I'm being too emotional over this and what's done is done AND they are entitled to do it whatever way they want!! But I agonised over it, she knew my finances at the time. I just feel like I've been had Sad

OP posts:
gwenneh · 22/04/2021 21:09

You should at least tell guests the truth so they can decide if they want to spend their money watching a crap play.

If someone was the kind of person to decide that my wedding was "a crap play" then I wouldn't have wanted them as a friend anyway so that's a convenient sorting mechanism.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/04/2021 21:09

I think YABU. Purely because you’re an adult and what you do with your time and money is entirely your decision. You weren’t bullied, you were persuaded and that was a choice. No one would convince me to get a credit card and pay for a wedding or a holiday that I couldn’t afford. Worth thinking about why you did that rather than raging impotently like this.

FilthyforFirth · 22/04/2021 21:09

I dont blame you. Really poor behaviour and I would struggle to get past it. YANBU

Fespital · 22/04/2021 21:10

This happens to DH. He was best man for a destiny wedding. We ummed and ahhed because it meant leaving toddler with GPs (very baby unfriendly venue). Turns out they got married the week before IN THE REGISTRY OFFICE OPPOSITE WHERE DH WORKED! He didn't see them but they then posted pictures on FB with bridesmaids and family surrounding them. WTAF!! Obviously it was all bought and paid for so we couldn't back out. And DH didn't want to cause a fuss but I've never forgotten. And actually nor has he as if they ask him for favours he only says yes if it suits him (used to be the group taxi - no longer!)

osbertthesyrianhamster · 22/04/2021 21:13

@gwenneh

You should at least tell guests the truth so they can decide if they want to spend their money watching a crap play.

If someone was the kind of person to decide that my wedding was "a crap play" then I wouldn't have wanted them as a friend anyway so that's a convenient sorting mechanism.

It's a fake wedding, a performance. I definitely wouldn't want to attend the performance of liars, either. If you do this, you should have the decency to tell people that it's a fake wedding so they can decide if they still want to come rather than lying by omission (which is still a lie).
peachcherries · 22/04/2021 21:17

Wow!! I'm actually livid for you OP! I would be so pissed off.
It's like the whole thing has been a lie.
I hope you can take a positive from it and that it was a nice holiday somewhere new.

pickingdaisies · 22/04/2021 21:18

There's a bit of a difference between doing the legal bit at the registry office then having a celebration separately, compared with pressuring your best friend to spend money she doesn't have on a destination wedding, when it turns out there was a wedding and celebration at home.

Original poster
tatoowooo · 22/04/2021 21:21

@pickingdaisies yes I'm thinking if she had said oh we had to get married in the registry office, it was just us and our parents and that was it. Then I probably wouldn't be so upset. But they made a huge deal about it...so much so that they celebrate the date between them but not with friends

OP posts:
GlassBoxSpectacular · 22/04/2021 21:22

If someone was the kind of person to decide that my wedding was "a crap play" then I wouldn't have wanted them as a friend anyway so that's a convenient sorting mechanism.

If you’re already married, then it’s not your wedding. The wedding is the ceremony in which you are joined in marriage - it’s literally what the word ‘wed’ means: to combine two formerly separate elements.

If you’re already wedded, you’ve undergone a wedding. So a ‘wedding’ after you’re actually married is a staged event that resembles a wedding ceremony. 🤷‍♀️

grapewine · 22/04/2021 21:23

She doesn't seem a good friend. Maybe time to step back, OP.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 22/04/2021 21:25

[quote tatoowooo]@pickingdaisies yes I'm thinking if she had said oh we had to get married in the registry office, it was just us and our parents and that was it. Then I probably wouldn't be so upset. But they made a huge deal about it...so much so that they celebrate the date between them but not with friends [/quote]
She appears to have a lot of hold over you and be quite manipulative. Bamboozled you to go to her fake wedding, has you there packing her stuff to move, etc. Just because you've been friends for a long time doesn't mean you're beholden to her.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 22/04/2021 21:27

I’d end a friendship over this.

Very different if you knew and decided to go anyway but when I get invited to someone’s wedding I expect the couple to be actually getting married not just having the big day when they married beforehand. I don’t want to go to a fake/show wedding.

I keep seeing legal paperwork being mentioned but it’s not paperwork it’s actually getting married and that’s the date of the marriage regardless of any parties after.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 22/04/2021 21:29

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

I’d end a friendship over this.

Very different if you knew and decided to go anyway but when I get invited to someone’s wedding I expect the couple to be actually getting married not just having the big day when they married beforehand. I don’t want to go to a fake/show wedding.

I keep seeing legal paperwork being mentioned but it’s not paperwork it’s actually getting married and that’s the date of the marriage regardless of any parties after.

I agree. It's not just paperwork, it's the wedding!

Again, this is what 90% of these destination weddings are, though, a performance fake wedding.

SnackSizeRaisin · 22/04/2021 21:43

I don't see why it matters whether the wedding is "real". I mean it's all just a construct for show anyway. And the "real" wedding is probably less interesting as it would just be a short service in a dingy register office with no food or music. But she shouldn't have guilted you into attending.

RealisticSketch · 22/04/2021 21:49

I think you need to have a think about your friendship dynamic here. Whether the destination wedding 'counts' as much as the registry office isn't the point. The fact that she had no respect for your circumstances and you didn't feel you could say no is the big red flag here.

Fespital · 22/04/2021 21:50

@SnackSizeRaisin

I don't see why it matters whether the wedding is "real". I mean it's all just a construct for show anyway. And the "real" wedding is probably less interesting as it would just be a short service in a dingy register office with no food or music. But she shouldn't have guilted you into attending.
The 'real' wedding isn't 'less interesting' for everyone! That's the main bit for me. Yes I love a party but actually watching people I care about become legally wed is more important to me.
RealisticSketch · 22/04/2021 21:52

It's beside the point though isn't it. The deception that her friend did though others in similar circumstances were afforded a different response is the issue.

Lollypop701 · 22/04/2021 21:56

I could accept having the legal ceremony separate to the actual wedding... as long as the wedding is the main event for the couple. Not sure this is what happened. In any event if the choice is a destination wedding no pressure should be even be implied... even if df really wants you there. I’d be upset

Chloemol · 22/04/2021 21:57

I would just text her, and tell he4 how you feel

What she did was not nice

Dogfan · 22/04/2021 21:59

Not unreasonable. Totally OK for her to have a wedding in the UK first (and lots of people do) but should not pressure anyone to attend the second wedding. If you choose to have a wedding abroad you should expect people to not be able to afford it or not want to use their holiday to go somewhere they might not choose. She sounds very selfish and I would be questioning my relationship with her. As an aside, this is why I don't think 2 stage weddings make any sense. What date do you think you got married!? He obviously thinks it's the registry office marriage so why were you all dragging yourselves abroad for no reason?

VikingsandDragons · 22/04/2021 22:20

Aren't almost all destination weddings a show wedding, but the legal bit is done in the UK before or afterwards? I've been to 3 destination weddings, but I know all of them they actually had to do the registry bit in the UK to be legally married, but they didn't invite anyone apart from either 2 witnesses or just their parents.

Hobnobsandbroomstick · 22/04/2021 22:50

YANBU.

Anyone who puts their friends under pressure to get into debt is a knob.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 22/04/2021 22:56

@VikingsandDragons

Aren't almost all destination weddings a show wedding, but the legal bit is done in the UK before or afterwards? I've been to 3 destination weddings, but I know all of them they actually had to do the registry bit in the UK to be legally married, but they didn't invite anyone apart from either 2 witnesses or just their parents.
Yes. But a lot of people don't realise this and the couple are twats for not being truthful about it.
honeybeetheoneandonly · 22/04/2021 23:10

@Fespital, so if a couple were having a big white church wedding, hotel reception, food, band and party one day but had the "admin" registry bit on a different day, are you saying you'd rather be there for the signing of the documents rather than the actual celebration?
OP, I think you need to talk to your friend about it or it will become the elephant in the room (and she won't even know it).

readingismycardio · 23/04/2021 07:22

If she was your friend she wouldn't ve expected you to get into debt to attend a (fake if I might say) expensive party, basically. If you were so close to me I'd have offered to pay at least for flights.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread