but if we started calling ourselves husband and wife without a ceremony then it would be immediately obvious that we weren't actually married. So the ceremony is the means to an end and a way to avoid a big flag advertising the fact we weren't legally married
Meanwhile in the real world...
Dh and I went on holiday and got married abroad. We didn't invite any friends and family. I have not changed my name.
Should i therefore assume that everyone sees a big red flag and doesn't believe we are married?
I'm sorry but you have some pretty strange beliefs about marriage and what it does and doesn't do. And you are obsessed by the notion that you might divorce. It doesn't sound like a healthy level of trust tbh.
When we bought our first house we weren't married. Our solicitor made a point of saying that people who live together but don't marry have a much higher rate of splitting up. She also made the point that not being married but owning a house together could make splitting up more legally messy than if we divorced. And then when through various options of how you buy together as a couple who are unmarried because there are implications in case you split (its not as simple as you might think).
So who owns the house you live in? Do you have a mortgage? Do you have a mortgage together? If you do you are legally tied to each other even if you aren't married.
My assumption from your posts is possibly that you own property and he doesn't.
Then there is stuff like what happens if you or your partner dies and you aren't married.
Say you live together. One or both of you own the house.
If one of you are interstate then you have a problem. If you own a house together. If one of you doesn't have the means to hold on their half of the house, then they lose their home and they will be dealing with the death of their partner at the same time as having to move home. If one of you owns the home but not the other, you have to hope you die in the right order.
Your solution to this is to ensure that you are legally tied together with wills. You have to trust that the other party doesn't change their will behind the others back to exclude them. If you split you have the hassle of making sure you change the will quickly - just in case.
The legalities are important and if you love someone then surely the priority is that they are looked after when you are gone. Your focus is on making sure he doesn't screw me over whilst he's alive. Is that healthy? Have even thought of wills?
Equally if one of you is severely ill and lack capacity to make decisions, particularly in old age you could be in a situation where you knew your partners wishes but the family member who has the final say doesn't agree and refuses to speak to you. How is that going to feel. Or vice versa if you are the one dying. Is that what you'd want?
What im reading in your posts is that you think marriage is about protecting yourself financially which you don't need as you earn enough - but its all short term stuff about being young and nothing about a longer term things. You don't appear to be thinking of this relationship as one that is for life so I do wonder whether you feel it is.
You are so caught up in the thought of protecting yourself, you don't appear to be thinking about how you might WANT to also protect HIM in certain circumstances.
That doesn't bode well for the relationship tbh. There isnt trust there.
The whole thing smacks of a here and now mentality and a 'you will do for now' sense rather than it being a relationship where you want to spend the rest of your life together.
You aren't thinking of where and how you both still need legal protection or where legal issues may be a problem regardless of whether you are married or not.
And your point that you have to marry in front of other people otherwise they wont believe you are married is just plain bizarre and contrary to what you protest throughout the thread does suggest that you think marriage is about a public ceremony and making a song and dance about it rather than a commitment to each other.