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Original poster

I'm jealous of mums with more than 1 child

521 replies

greendress789 · 21/04/2021 18:04

I'm jealous of mums with more than 1 child because it's what I want but just can't seem to have.

I have a DC through IVF and have spent the last 4 and a half years trying to conceive a sibling. Multiple IVF failures. Miscarriages. Tens of thousands of pounds spent.

My son cries for a brother to play with. It breaks my heart!

Today at the park a school mum was there with the 3rd child she accidentally conceived during lockdown. Lockdown for me meant my IVF was cancelled and then a failed cycle at the end of 2020.

Not sure why I'm posting here. Just to get it out I think. I can't talk to my husband as it's upsetting for him too.

Ideally I would've loved 3 children but that's never going to happen. 😢

OP posts:
triceratopsmama · 21/04/2021 19:55

@Tiggerdig

I get how hard it must be. But there is no guarantee siblings will get along. There’s one school year between ds1 and 2 and it’s fair to say they do not get along and never have. They can barely cope with being in the same room together.
You obviously don't get how hard it must be to write that response. It is not relevant that your children do not get along. @greendress789 wants another baby and she posted here for support. Shit replies like this are not supportive. They are quite patronising.
bitheby · 21/04/2021 19:55

You might not have another son anyway. I think lockdown has made everything more difficult -hopefully soon he can have play dates with friends again.

I'm desperate to be a mum. I had a call about IVF today and my test results aren't looking great so it might not even be worth trying for one. I understand the grief. You are very lucky to have the child you have. I wish you good luck.

BashfulClam · 21/04/2021 19:56

You have one and I would swap with you as I can’t have any.

Missingthebridegene · 21/04/2021 19:56

Sorry to hear you've been through this OP. Ignore all the trolls who are telling you to just be grateful for one child. You are allowed to be grateful AND want another child! Would you consider adoption or fostering to adopt? I can imagine after so many rounds of IVF it's difficult to 'admit defeat' and consider alternatives however Xx

If it helps we have three and my partner (I have two step kids) lives with constant guilt of not being able to give everything to all of them! I agree that there are total benefits to being an only child. At the end of the day your son doesn't really know what it would be like to have a sibling so he's not making a true fully informed decision! X

Cocomarine · 21/04/2021 19:56

Well, ignore the insensitive bollocks about relaxing 🙄 @greendress789

I don’t distract my IVF child when she asks about siblings. She’s always known she was IVF, and why (male and female factor) so I don’t deflect the comment, just commiserate (but lightly) “yes that would have been nice - but you remember that it wasn’t easy for us, don’t you? You know though - if I was only going to have one, lucky for me I got the best one 😉”

There are lovely things to having one. The time I have with her! Being able to fit around her - no compromise with a sibling being dragged along swimming who isn’t keen, or going on funfair rides that are lame to keep the younger one happy. Small things - but actually nice. I’d rather have two and less money... but if you have no choice about having one, it’s not a bad thing that it costs less not more!

I don’t say these things to cancel out your sadness... but, they’re still good things.

You do, I think make your peace with it.

mumwon · 21/04/2021 19:57

dear op some dc from larger families (believe me) wish they were only children
Others want (another) younger sibling of a different sex
Please don't feel sad - your little precious one is with you, enjoy them - its hard that you may not get the chance for another but nothing is written in stone yet -
The hardest part is the alien world we live in which has made it difficult for dc to socialize - once we fully get back to normal & your dc can socialize fully with other dc in each other houses & do activities he will be forget this. &, I kid you not! siblings spend a lot of time disagreeing!

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 21/04/2021 19:58

@BashfulClam

You have one and I would swap with you as I can’t have any.
I empathize. Is there any chance at all you would be able to adopt? Would you want to? Flowers
MoorGirl · 21/04/2021 19:58

I hear you, sending love.

Cinderellashoes · 21/04/2021 19:58

Oh ffs stop saying siblings don’t get along. It’s not rocket science I’m sure the Op has witnessed kids fighting before!! She wants another baby and is grieving for the loss of that. That’s allowed and valid and she should be supported!!

DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 21/04/2021 19:59

I'm so sorry that you're in this position. Sometimes things are just shit, and it's ok to feel like this.Cake

You can be grateful for your DS and still pine for a sibling, you can relax all you want but this won't help. I also doubt you're sitting at home crying and wailing YOU DON'T HAVE A BABY BROTHER and poking him until he picks up the cues... Kids often want playmates and it's natural, something he's obviously seen from books and TV or other families, not because you're projecting onto him!!

I hope you can either come to terms with having a fabulous only child who you will make a really close bond with, or have a miraculous pg sometime soon.
Crossing fingers for you.

Sorry you've had a lot of unsympathetic comments here. Hmm

BuntyBonus · 21/04/2021 19:59

Sending you a hug OP. I totally understand your feelings and have the same feelings of jealousy towards those who have more than one. Especially when they have three for some reason as that is what I have always imagined. My son is 7 and goes through stages of asking for a sibling. For various reasons this won’t ever happen and I have almost got to a place of acceptance. I do think we will get a dog from a rescue centre though when the right one comes along. Not that o am saying a dog is a substitute of course! I also try to think of the positives of having an only - the lovely bond, the time you can dedicate etc. I think it’s just really hard to let go of the dream you always had but I think the path to contentment and greater happiness is acceptance of the reality you do have.

Cinderellashoes · 21/04/2021 19:59

Also you can be totally grateful and love the child you have while at the same time grieve for something you feel you have lost. Love is not finite, nor is gratefulness. The op can love her son with every inch of her being and still wish for another baby. Doesn’t mean she isn’t grateful for what she has.

Candycane57 · 21/04/2021 19:59

I've had fertility struggles, have had 7 miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy and even I can understand why people say the wrong thing sometimes. I'm glad for them that they don't have to know what the right thing to say is, I'm glad that they haven't had to experience what I have. Anyone with fertility struggles who even has 1 child is lucky to have them, that doesn't mean they're lucky in every aspect of life but surely we can still celebrate one child whilst mourning the children we still want.

altiara · 21/04/2021 20:00

Hi OP, I think my DS went through wanting a sibling at that age as well. I just kept reminding him a newborn baby wouldn’t be able to play with him. Every time he mentioned it.

Conkergame · 21/04/2021 20:00

OP, just another perspective in case it helps you to feel less guilty - I had 2 younger siblings and I used to cry to my parents to “take them back” as my life was “perfect before they got here”! So it’s really not necessarily the case that your son would be happy if you’d had another close in age!

Another perspective is my DH who apparently got on well enough with his DB when they were kids but they cannot stand one another now and every family event is a stressful nightmare and causes his parents no end of upset.

The grass often seems greener but doesn’t mean that is the case. You’re entitled to be upset things haven’t turned out the way you planned but honestly the best way forward is to look for the benefits now. No sibling rivalry or fighting and all of your love, care, time, money and attention going on DS. He’s one lucky boy!

totalnamechanger · 21/04/2021 20:00

Secondary infertility has made me feel more isolated and alone than a traumatic recent event which pretty much everyone I know has greatly sympathised with. My secondary infertility has affected me more than this recent event but in contrast it’s mostly suffered in silence and unacknowledged, for reasons that some early posters have demonstrated so clearly! I often think that no one can understand and no one can help. I don’t personally know anyone who has been in the same position as me and didn’t end up with a sibling for their child even if it took them a longer time than hoped.

I’m very sorry op for the sadness. Of course there are advantages too and I hope you can see these more clearly in time as I’m trying to do Flowers

PivotPivotPivottt · 21/04/2021 20:01

I've read a lot of nasty posts on here but I think this thread has to be up there up there with the worstSad.

I'm really sorry for how you are feeling and I believe you when you say your son isn't aware of your feelings. I was an only child who begged my mum for a sibling and was jealous of my friends with brothers and sisters. She had my brother when I was 8 and it wasn't until I was an adult I found out she had actually been trying for years to have a baby. So I was totally unaware of her sadness and desperation for a baby when I was a child and she definitely wasn't the cause of me wanting a sibling.

Sorry I have no advice or helpful words but I wish you all the best x

Livpool · 21/04/2021 20:02

I have 1 child - me and DH suffered from secondary infertility. We tried for 4 years to have another but I am 40 now and feel too old personally (good luck to anyone else - you have more stamina than me!).

DS is 5 now and in reception. He is a very sociable child and has lots of friends. Lockdown was hard for him and when he was younger he occasionally asked if he could have a brother or sister (despite getting very jealous if I held a friend's DC!). He has never cried for someone else to play with though.

ladsholiday · 21/04/2021 20:03

@BashfulClam

You have one and I would swap with you as I can’t have any.
Wrong place, wrong time
Brightsunshinyday · 21/04/2021 20:03

Your feelings are completely valid and I would feel the same in your situation. I have found in other situations in life that the time where the future is uncertain is the hardest and this stage has been going on for a really long time for you so I'm not surprised it's extremely hard for you. Once you do get pregnant or decide to adopt or quit IVF, this will hopefully help you get some sort of closure as then you can focus all your emotions and energy on the one scenario. I wish you and your family all the best!
Oh, and for what it's worth, I know many happy and well-adjusted only children so I'm sure your son will be fine. If you do have another baby however, I wouldn't worry about the big age gap. It makes for much easier parenting, a less stressful family time and the children may even get along much better as they won't compete or feel as jealous of their parents' time.

Enough4me · 21/04/2021 20:03

If you want a baby you want a baby regardless if it's number 1, 2, 3..., it's like a burning pain that cannot simply be switched off. Seeing others easily accomplish the number that they wanted is hard to see.

I have experienced this feeling before and the "be grateful / stay calm comments" were beyond unhelpful. Of course it would be lovely to never feel negative emotions!

OP find people who you can talk to, let it out as it is a hard pain to carry.

ArmsClary · 21/04/2021 20:04

OP, it sounds like you're in the thick of it. I've been there, it's fucking shit. And so raw at times.

I remember age 4 so well, the tears, comparing myself constantly to other families with more than 1.

4 x failed cycles later we've given up and accepted it.

I'm not saying if or when this will happen for you, but I hope to god it does and you find peace with it all Daffodil

Lockdownbear · 21/04/2021 20:05

Op Infertility is rotten. I'm sorryFlowers
All those hopes and dreams when you start trying for a baby, the dream of children playing together, everything. The dream of what the child will looking, who's eyes will they have, who's personality.
That child is created in your mind.

You absolutely need to allow yourself to grief for that child that will never be. People understand that others grief for MC but they don't really get that infertility is a form of grief.

Lancrelady80 · 21/04/2021 20:06

@Mickey1234

I think you need to remind yourself you are blessed to have one healthy little one. I have many friends don't even have that. I know it's not what you want but maybe if you relax a little it might just happen?
Okay, this is well meant but absolute number 1 at the top of the list of things to NOT say to someone struggling to conceive. (Along with a related friend of friend story where it suddenly just happened when she gave up and/or relaxed)
Maggiesfarm · 21/04/2021 20:06

@Mickey1234

I think you need to remind yourself you are blessed to have one healthy little one. I have many friends don't even have that. I know it's not what you want but maybe if you relax a little it might just happen?
I agree.

I do not know why your little boy cries for a sibling, I know many 'only' children and they don't do that. Maybe you are making a big thing out of it and he picks up on it.

People often do become pregnant when they relax and stop trying. Of course you can't depend on that but it might not be a bad idea anyway, you can concentrate on the child you have and - be happy!

There is no point in being jealous of other people for having more children or for any other reason. It achieves nothing and is actually quite nasty.

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