I'm jealous of mums with more than 1 child

[greendress789]

I'm jealous of mums with more than 1 child because it's what I want but just can't seem to have.

I have a DC through IVF and have spent the last 4 and a half years trying to conceive a sibling. Multiple IVF failures. Miscarriages. Tens of thousands of pounds spent.

My son cries for a brother to play with. It breaks my heart!

Today at the park a school mum was there with the 3rd child she accidentally conceived during lockdown. Lockdown for me meant my IVF was cancelled and then a failed cycle at the end of 2020.

Not sure why I'm posting here. Just to get it out I think. I can't talk to my husband as it's upsetting for him too.

Ideally I would've loved 3 children but that's never going to happen. 😢

@BingBunnyIsAnnoying

You have one child and should be grateful for what you have opposed to what you don't have

Do you have any understanding of how cruel your comment is?

My son would love an older brother.

It's not possible for me to give him one!! He would settle for a younger brother but alas you don't get to choose so he got DD instead.

I'm really sorry OP. It's very difficult in your position.

But children do often idealise a sibling and that's no guarantee siblings will actually get along if one appears.

Relaxing about it actually does make a huge difference - stressing has negative effects on your cycle and fertility. A friend had given up and "stopped trying" thinking about it and that's when she conceived.

I had 3 miscarriages after DS. I am not normally into alternative therapies but tried accupuncture in desperation. I had DD 10m later (6 weeks early). It wasnt a stress free pregnancy, I still had IUGR and placental insufficiency but DD made it and that's what matters.

@Mickey1234

I think you need to remind yourself you are blessed to have one healthy little one. I have many friends don't even have that. I know it's not what you want but maybe if you relax a little it might just happen?

Christ on a fucking bike. Please - educate yourself. One of the things that IVF people least find helpful or supportive is, “relax and it might happen.” 🙄

I am an only child and I do have moments of wondering what it would be like to have a sibling but they are just that moments.

I have a great relationship with my Mum and Dad and spend a lot of time with them - they always made the time to spend with me and we used to play board games, card games etc and go on lovely holidays together. I always felt fine it being the 3 of us because that was my family.

Now I am older I can see even more benefit to being an only child - we still go on holidays together, they are my childcare and we are still as close as we ever were.

The reason it is only moments is because I wouldnt change it for anything - it could have upset the dynamic and balance and I am happy with how things are

OP I do agree you may have passed the sadness onto your child and that's why he cried for a sibling

But I think PPs are unfair to say you are lucky to have one child and that you should "relax" and it might happen.

You are "lucky" to have one child in a sense, maybe more so than someone who has none, but you are less lucky than the majority of people who conceive 2+ children easily.

I hope it happens for you OP and I don't think you're unreasonable for feeling that way.

I'm so sorry! I totally understand why you want more than one child; most people do after all! I am an only child myself, and I absolutely loved it growing up. I loved the attention, the nice holidays we could afford, going to private school (wouldn't have been possible with a sibling) - from a child's perspective it was fab. At points I did think it would be nice to have a sibling, but as I got older I was very pleased to be an only child.

My relationship with my parents is really close. I hope you have success, but if you don't please be reassured that your little boy won't be harmed in any way, and in all likelihood will like being an only.

@Sausageroll67

I’m an only child and loved it! I didn’t like other kids even when I was one myself! I’m now happily childfree too so am not the best to comment on these type of threads as I’m usually “What’s the big deal and get on with your life” re infertility.

I can only imagine you are projecting on your son OP. Please stop that, I get you’re upset but I can’t imagine a 7 year old who has two obviously very loving parents crying over not having a new baby around.

He's not crying for a baby brother he is upset he doesn't have someone similar in age to play with. Which he would have had if 5 IVFs ago it had worked.

@Mickey1234

I think you need to remind yourself you are blessed to have one healthy little one. I have many friends don't even have that. I know it's not what you want but maybe if you relax a little it might just happen?

Omg the most unhelpful, awful comment

OP I can completely relate to what you're saying.

My issue wasn't infertility but after I had my son I had a lot of complications.

Fistula, colostomy bag, then 2 hernias which needed to be repaired with mesh, then a uterus and bladder prolapse.

So I was advised that another pregnancy could be dangerous.

My son is 10 now and I still get sad about it very often.

I NEVER wanted an only child. I wanted 2.

I know I'm lucky to have one wonderful child but it doesn't stop me or you feeling sad.

My son used to ask for a sibling a lot. He seems to have got over it now.

I would love to adopt a baby or go down the surrogacy route but my partner won't even discuss it so I gave up mentioning it years ago (that's a whole other thread)

Sending a big hug and some

@ilovemydogandmrobama2

Please take this in the spirit in which it's intended, but siblings don't always play nicely together, and tbh, maybe the idea of having 3 is lovely but it's a pain in the ass a lot of the time, from the fighting, to trying to be fair to everyone, to trying to accommodate all of their needs (emotional, physical not to mention financial).

If having another is definitely off the table, it may be worth getting counselling as it's like going through the grieving process.

That really isn't helpful at all. Jesus Christ if you can't muster a little empathy then don't bother to reply.

OP I’m sorry you’re going through this. It sounds so hard and painful for you. The relax advice is just a slap in the face too isn’t it? I am sure time will be a healer for you - you love your son, clearly. Why not plan some fun days out together to theme parks or zoos and really enjoy his company? Could you book a little weekend break over the summer and enjoy spending time together as a family? I don’t suggest this will take away the pain, but might give you something to look forward to.

@MagnoliaBeige

You’re allowed to feel sad for struggling to have the family you’d dreamed of, being told “relax” and “be grateful you have one” is textbook crap people say to women with fertility issues

I have no advice not you’re not alone xxx

Couldn't agree more.

Sorry OP, I haven't read through all the posts, because the first few were bad enough.

I am in a slightly different position because DS has a half older brother, but he has always said he wanted a younger sibling, he still mentions it every now and then. I get exactly how you feel, a friend of mine gets pregnant by blinking. The last time I had to block her feed for 9 months as it was too painful for me and I didn't want to hurt her feelings by being a complete bitch to her.

I agree with what someone said about focusing on the positives. This weekend myself and DS have been out and about for hours with a hobby of ours (pokemon hunting.) We wouldn't have been able to go as far or stay out for as long as we did if we had a younger slibing and we had a shit ton of fun, its a tiny thing but its worth holding onto.

But you are not alone in your feelings and personally I think its part of the grieving process

Oh and to the people saying "I have 3 be glad you have an only child" you have no idea how we feel so instead of commenting with completely insensitive shit why don't you go concentrate on all your wonderful children you were lucky enough to have

I get how hard it must be. But there is no guarantee siblings will get along. There’s one school year between ds1 and 2 and it’s fair to say they do not get along and never have. They can barely cope with being in the same room together.

Fairly sure @Mickey1234 is trolling - I don;t think anyone could really be that fucking dumb

Please take this in the spirit in which it's intended, but siblings don't always play nicely together, and tbh, maybe the idea of having 3 is lovely but it's a pain in the ass a lot of the time, from the fighting, to trying to be fair to everyone, to trying to accommodate all of their needs (emotional, physical not to mention financial).

Yeah...really don’t think that’s helpful in the slightest. People with 3 had the choice to have 3. They could have chosen not to. The OP would like to have more than 1 child, but she can’t choose that.

Wow the first few posts are MASSIVELY invalidating and cruel!
It sounds like you're grieving OP for something you've longed for, that's okay isn't it? Why are people jumping on you?
It's absolutely okay to feel sad about this, and I'm so sorry you aren't able to have what you and your family want.
Have you ever thought about counselling for this? Just to give you space to work through it all in a supportive way?

Not clearly at all. He cries because he wants someone to play with at home. He says if I had a brother I could do xxxxx. My husband and I are careful to not to project on to him, we never mention siblings to him

Even if you had a baby, there’s obviously a good chance he could end up with a sister and it doesn’t mean to say they’d even play together. So having a child doesn’t necessarily equate to a best friend to play with.

I understand it’s rubbish for you but try to think of the negatives. What a disappointment if he ended up with a ‘boring girl’

@ghostyslovesheets

Fairly sure *@Mickey1234* is trolling - I don;t think anyone could really be that fucking dumb

Buckle up Ghosty, this thread is riddled with idiots.

@Happycat1212

I’m jealous of mums with one child, I have 4 and wish I stick with one!

Completely unhelpful.

God this place is the absolute pits sometimes

Not the most helpful advice but siblings don’t always get on and play together. Maybe try to focus on play dates where he can play with friends if he’s feeling lonely. It must be very upsetting when you’ve dreamt of what your family will look like then it doesn’t happen, I imagine it’s like a grieving process for what could have been. Have you thought of counselling to help to come to terms with that? Also try every day to think of 3 positive things that have been possible because he’s an only child, it might just help. Not the same at all but I always wanted 3 however illness prevented the 3rd and I often feel sad and remind myself of things that would have been different and not necessarily in a good way had I not become unwell and had 3.

I was in a similar position. One boy, desperate for a sibling. Every Xmas he put on his Xmas list just one thing 'a brother'. It broke my heart. We couldn't conceive. In the end we adopted another boy and now foster another one. So we now have three boys. Irony is the original boy isn't interested in the younger two, much prefers his own space

I hear you, @greendress789. It's shit. Utter shit.

It's way too late for me to have another child. I would have loved more, but I just have to keep telling myself I am blessed to have had the one, which is of course, true. But when I was still of child-bearing age, I would look at pregnant women smoking over their toddlers in pushchairs or babies in prams and be so furious with them and jealous of them for not taking care of their precious pregnancies and their living babies. I went through a rather difficult phase (after a miscarriage) when I cried whenever I saw another pregnant woman and found it so difficult to be pleased for my friends who went on to have more than one child. I am very lucky to have the one I had, but I do so wish there had been more than one.

I’m sure OP would’ve been thrilled to have another baby of either sex. It seems cruel saying imagine having a girl.