I'm jealous of mums with more than 1 child

[greendress789]

I'm jealous of mums with more than 1 child because it's what I want but just can't seem to have.

I have a DC through IVF and have spent the last 4 and a half years trying to conceive a sibling. Multiple IVF failures. Miscarriages. Tens of thousands of pounds spent.

My son cries for a brother to play with. It breaks my heart!

Today at the park a school mum was there with the 3rd child she accidentally conceived during lockdown. Lockdown for me meant my IVF was cancelled and then a failed cycle at the end of 2020.

Not sure why I'm posting here. Just to get it out I think. I can't talk to my husband as it's upsetting for him too.

Ideally I would've loved 3 children but that's never going to happen. 😢

I have an only, and I've found being friends with other only children is very useful for playdates and sleepovers, joining cubs or similar where camps can happen ( hopefully soon) is also good

It's incredibly shit to come on here and say 'be grateful for what you have' as some posters have done.

OP, I had a hysterectomy last year due to cancer diagnosis, we have one child already but I would have loved another. I don't know what the answer is to make you feel better about it because I'm trying to find it myself, but I will say its incredibly shit to experience this, I'm really sorry you're feeling this way, and I hope you find a way through it. Personally I'm seeing a psychologist and trying my way through some of the feelings.

@EdgeOfACoin

I am an only child. Back when I was growing up, hardly anyone else was an only child and almost nobody was an only child with two parents who were still together.

When I was young, I did ask my parents for a sibling and wished I had a playmate. Particularly when I was 4-7ish.

However... as I got older, I began to realise that having siblings wasn't all it was cracked up to be. By the time I was 12, I was perfectly happy being an only child.

I have a good relationship with my parents. I got to go on better holidays than any of my friends. I had more opportunities. There are downsides to being an only child but it's not all bad! There are definitely positives!

Your child will outgrow his desire for a sibling. I did.

Only 5 years of feeling like a failure to go then!

@Mickey1234

I think you need to remind yourself you are blessed to have one healthy little one. I have many friends don't even have that. I know it's not what you want but maybe if you relax a little it might just happen?

Seriously, it makes me so annoyed when people say this. As if op could just ‘relax’ and it would happen. Who knew op! You could have saved thousands and all that heartache by just relaxing!

Sorry you have gone through so much OP .

Congratulations on having your DC though. Every success story is wonderful to hear.

If your DC cries for a sibling - do sometimes remind of all the irritations another child would bring. What if the sibling was just like the person they least like at school? Sharing with someone annoying is hard and most children understand that.

Thank-goodness it is possible to meet up with other people again a bit. Sleep-overs in tents soon?

Friends are siblings you actually choose!

There are some horribly insensitive posters on here! "Feel lucky you have one" what ***. Have you looked into some counselling? So helpful and may help you decide what to do and come to terms with it.

There are some great groups online for people with one child and there are definitely benefits!

OP I get what you mean. After conceiving DD1 fairly easily after 6 months and one miscarriage, we started trying for number 2 when she was 2.5. After 3 years and multiple miscarriages we hadn’t been successful (although there had been a lot going on in that time - my lovely mum suddenly passed away, husband career change, house move and relocation, and me being made redundant to top everything off!!) Anyway, I then became pregnant again and started spotting, which was my usual cue for a miscarriage. Before I would have taken this really badly and felt like the whole world was against me, but for some reason that time things were different. I truly believed I was having yet another miscarriage, but was almost resigned to it. It was as if I knew I’d reached my limit and couldn’t carry on TTC - I’d given it my best shot and, for reasons outside my control, it hadn’t worked, and I could finally accept that.

As it turned out that last “miscarriage” against all odds turned out to be DD2 who has just turned 3. What I’m trying to say, probably badly, is that you are in the eye of the storm at the moment. Whatever happens in the future, it will get better. Hopefully you will have your longed for child, but if not, acceptance will follow and the pain will, over time, lessen. I wish you all the best 💐

And you are not a failure at all! You've done so well to get your son. You've gone through a lot and now you can give him the best.

OP I am very sorry to hear how difficult a time you have had. And even more sorry some people have belittled the situation which is honestly just beyond me.
For the record I do believe your son can be upset and want a sibling by his own accord, I have a three year old and he can very much express his own feelings, so I am not sure why so many people here seem it's not a possibility without some impression obtained from elsewhere.
I cannot offer any advice I'm afraid but I wish you the very best of luck, you sound like a lovely lady and your little boy is lucky to have a mum who clearly cares so much. Just as PP have said, you will have a lovely bond with him and will clearly devote your whole self to him which is amazing.

DS is and will always be an only child and I can’t imagine him crying for having no one to play with! I don’t think you should be worrying about your child being an only child. There’s lots of them and all the ones I know are perfectly happy and balanced.
So I would park that if you can.

But your own feelings are entirely valid, it’s how you feel and that’s ok. I spent a lot of unhappy time looking at people with children feeling hurt, angry, and jealous that it was so difficult for us but seemed so easy for everyone else.

I imagine people look at me sometimes now and feel the same, and wonder how I’ve managed to be so lucky, but actually behind the scenes we’ve been through hell to get here. What I’m saying is that you don’t know what those people you are jealous of have been through either.

But it’s ok to feel the way you do. Normal even. You should talk to your husband though. We found it helped to tackle our feelings together.

You picked the wrong board OP, people can be arseholes on AIBU. Infertility boards are much kinder. I have one DD and felt so blessed to have her after years of trying and miscarriages. Despite thinking I would be so blessed to have one child I am already thinking I want another, and wondering if I can cope with the heartbreak of trying and it not happening. People cannot possibly understand if they haven't been in your position, and I think some posters have been really mean.

Sorry you’ve had some insensitive responses OP. I feel jealous seeing siblings playing together at the park and we haven’t even decided whether or not to go for a second child, so I think you have every right to feel jealous, sad and downright angry.

DH was an only child - a complete surprise years after his parents were told it would never happen for them. I know his DM was very upset to not give him a sibling and apparently he did ask incessantly when he was younger. However, now he is very happy to be an only child and feels it has given him advantages that he wouldn’t have otherwise had (which is part of the reason we are both undecided about having another). He has a few friends that he feels are like brothers to him - his parents took them on holiday and friends were always welcome in their house. His upbringing sounds quite idyllic and they had a very happy, busy and warm home. Since his teens he has felt no sadness about the lack of a sibling at all. MIL definitely had a tough time with not being able to give him one, but is now a very happy, content, doting granny.

You sound like you still need time to grieve for the life you thought you’d have and YANBU unreasonable to feel the way you do, but you won’t necessarily feel this way for ever, and you are all your DS really needs. You sound like a lovely mum

I find it extremely strange that you say your son cries for a brother to play with. My son is an only child. We had no children in our family when he was younger so it was just me and him. He never once cried for a brother.

Are you sure you're not over dramatising here?

I've seen some awful comments on Mumsnet, but never so many in one thread.

I struggled to have my kids and I'm so grateful for them, it doesn't stop the envy of other people who (appear) to easily produce a large family.

I'm so sorry you are going through this, I hope you can make peace with what has happened and you have every right to feel as you do.

I get where you’re coming from op. I won’t bore you with my story, but I’ve been there. It’s utter shit when people come back with garbage comments, usually the same crap over and over. I’m sure op is thankful for the child she has. It doesn’t stop her being upset she can’t have another though. It isn’t just your feelings op but the added guilt of not being able to give your child a sibling. There’s no minimising that.

I’m sorry about the crappy comments. Secondary infertility here, lots of failed IVF, including donor egg, now too old. Partner does not want to adopt. My grief has lessened with time and therapy. I really appreciate the one I have. It’s not what I would have chosen and I accept that life isn’t fair and in other ways I have been lucky and lucky to have a healthy child and happy home. Good luck and take the time you need to grieve.

Some absolutely twattish comments on this thread OP, I hope you're ok.

I know this feeling tangentially: my DD is an only, my DP and I have had multiple relationship woes over the intervening years since she was born and as I'm 41 this summer there's very little chance we'll have another together and thus, I won't have any more at all.

My friend was in a similar boat to yours during lockdown. Beautiful little boy, but lockdown put paid to IVF and now I don't think they'll have another. She's devastated, and mourning. It will change to something more manageable, as grief mostly does. But it's still a loss.

I've no practical advice. Sending much love though.

I'm so sorry you feel this way OP and I really hope that your pain eases soon. I'm not sure if this helps but I think its common for many people to focus on what they thought their life would be like, rather than truly look at the life they have right now and consider the positives of the life they actually have. I have had a lot of counselling around acceptance, being present in the moment and seeing the positives of what I do have. My anxiety and depression often leads me into a negative spiral of "what ifs" that doesn't allow me to fully appreciate the good things I do have.

Also for what its worth, I grew up with a sibling 6 years younger than me. I didn't enjoy it much, I remember feeling a lot of resentment that I had my special time with my parents taken away from me and had to trail round doing "baby things" from age 7 -10. I have a lot of memories from this time of having to wait for my mum to deal with the baby, always being expected to help with the baby instead of doing what I wanted to do. I don't speak to my sibling at all any more, we coexisted at home until I left aged 18 and really haven't been in contact at all since then. Obviously a lot of siblings have really great relationships but I'm just saying this to point out not all siblings get along and sometimes having a sibling can be a challenge in itself.

I really hope you can find peace and appreciate your son for all he is and all the future friends and wider family relationships you may have

Wow. Just wow. I think this thread wins for the most amount of comments that really shouldn’t be said to someone going through infertility/IVF/loss. I’ve been through all three too and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Just relaxing hasn’t stopped me losing 5 unfortunately - or needing 3 fresh cycles of IVF with ICSI.

OP it’s completely normal to want a sibling for your child. It doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful for the one you’ve got.

As for the comments re projecting onto your child... really? my friend’s son has cried for a sibling, he’s not even 4 yet. His parents hadn’t even discussed providing him with a sibling yet (if ever). (She thinks her son’s crying for a sibling is due to a couple of friends being pregnant and their children being excited about having a sibling.)

OP I’m sorry you’re going through this. Infertility sucks x

@Sparrowfeeder that is very unkind. No need for it at all.
I'm shocked at some of the replies on here.

Please take this in the spirit in which it's intended, but siblings don't always play nicely together, and tbh, maybe the idea of having 3 is lovely but it's a pain in the ass a lot of the time, from the fighting, to trying to be fair to everyone, to trying to accommodate all of their needs (emotional, physical not to mention financial).

If having another is definitely off the table, it may be worth getting counselling as it's like going through the grieving process.

My comment is a few pages back but I meant to say, you absolutely have the right to feel how you do. I just wanted to provide another perspective.

My nephew is an only as well and I’ve never known him to ever cry about it, my sister was always saying how relieved her was when he came home from my house as he finds mine full on cos he’s use to be alone, I think your feelings are rubbing off on him more than you think

Oh OP I’m so sorry, it sounds very hard and likes it’s been a very difficult time for you. I think it’s completely normal to grieve for the life you imagined but can’t have. And I think it’s also normal for a child to express interest in a sibling - even if actually they are just wondering about it - not a sign you are projecting anything. I hope things get easier for you (and ignore some of the awful comments in here)

I’m an only child and loved it! I didn’t like other kids even when I was one myself! I’m now happily childfree too so am not the best to comment on these type of threads as I’m usually “What’s the big deal and get on with your life” re infertility.

I can only imagine you are projecting on your son OP. Please stop that, I get you’re upset but I can’t imagine a 7 year old who has two obviously very loving parents crying over not having a new baby around.