I'm jealous of mums with more than 1 child

[greendress789]

I'm jealous of mums with more than 1 child because it's what I want but just can't seem to have.

I have a DC through IVF and have spent the last 4 and a half years trying to conceive a sibling. Multiple IVF failures. Miscarriages. Tens of thousands of pounds spent.

My son cries for a brother to play with. It breaks my heart!

Today at the park a school mum was there with the 3rd child she accidentally conceived during lockdown. Lockdown for me meant my IVF was cancelled and then a failed cycle at the end of 2020.

Not sure why I'm posting here. Just to get it out I think. I can't talk to my husband as it's upsetting for him too.

Ideally I would've loved 3 children but that's never going to happen. 😢

It's not just the only having one child though, is it? If children were assigned at the outset, with some parents being told "you'll have one" while others were given two, three, four and so on, it would be easier to cope with. We'd all know and understand our situation, come to terms with it and make the best of it.

It's the uncertainty. The excitement at the thought of another baby. The disappointment month after month. The dawning realisation that something must be wrong and the regret of not seeking help earlier. The guilt of feeling that you may have let your DC's early years be coloured by it. The invasiveness of doctors and treatment. The uncertainty of whether to persevere in spite of the crushing expense and disappointment. Secondary infertility is about a lot more than just 'ending up' with one child.

Argh I hate people that say be grateful for what you have or atleast you have one. I will repeat yet again it’s not a race to the bottom, just because someone has lost a leg you don’t go oh it could be worse you could have lost both. The phrase invalidates the OP emotions so they never truly come to terms with the emotions and instead bury them deep down.

You are allowed to be annoyed / pissed off / upset, these are your feelings. Its a rubbish situation why wouldn’t you be jealous of other people who seem to have it easier.

Allow yourself time to grieve for the child that currently you can’t have. That’s the crux of the emotions going on, grieving for the child you long to have.

@GoldBar

It's not just the only having one child though, is it? If children were assigned at the outset, with some parents being told "you'll have one" while others were given two, three, four and so on, it would be easier to cope with. We'd all know and understand our situation, come to terms with it and make the best of it.

It's the uncertainty. The excitement at the thought of another baby. The disappointment month after month. The dawning realisation that something must be wrong and the regret of not seeking help earlier. The guilt of feeling that you may have let your DC's early years be coloured by it. The invasiveness of doctors and treatment. The uncertainty of whether to persevere in spite of the crushing expense and disappointment. Secondary infertility is about a lot more than just 'ending up' with one child.

Yes! This!

I hear you. My dd was a much longed for icsi baby. Shortly after she was born my kidneys had a meltdown and I’ve been on immunosuppressive medication ever since.
Dd is almost at secondary age now, and I made my peace (more or less) with the one child only situation about five years ago but, my god. It hurt. So much.
I hope you get your much longed for second child.

My DD now 10 while not crying for a sibling certainly has said repeatedly over the years that she wishes she had a sister and that she's sad she hasn't so I think those accusing OP of projection might be wrong.

I also wanted 2+ but circumstances rather than fertility has left me with an only. I've made my peace with it now. It wasn't easy but now I'm content with my lot. Hope you can get there too

I'm not convinced that the reality of a sibling actually lives up to the idea... at least for the child.

Lots of jealousy, fighting, juggling/balancing commitments to activities etc. Fairness is a constant argument!

I think as children you imagine a sibling as being your best friend in your house but unless they are unrealistically close in age (conceived under a year post birth) they're mostly annoying, or stopping you doing something fun!

It is a grief. To me it's a prolonged grief. My mum died 7 years ago but I've found secondary infertility harder. I know that sounds awful, but it's how I feel. I loved my mum to bits and was obviously devastated when she was diagnosed terminally ill and later died. I'm just saying that for all the ignorant idiots on here who are telling people like us to appreciate what we've got. We do! It doesn't mean we can't feel sad for what we try so hard to create. Infertility is relentless and all consuming. Before anyone says I should stop then; I'm not ready to.

I too have a loft bursting with baby stuff. I've already had two clear outs, but don't want to get rid of it all. I too want a newborn to snuggle, to love, to keep me up all night. Yes, we are incredibly lucky to have 1 dc, but we feel how we feel. Yes other people have it worse, but this isn't feelings top trumps.

To all the people saying her boy is crying for a sibling is all on her. Wtf? Just because your child didn't cry for a sibling doesn't mean someone else's wouldn't. We're all different!

To all of those struggling with infertility in any shape or form

The 'just relax' posts are probably not relevant in this situation. I am so sorry for what you are going through OP, it is heartbreaking.
I did just want to say though that for many people stress really does play a huge role in infertility issues. Stress can play havoc with hormones in both men and women. I won't go into detail, but it is something I am currently studying and I do think it's important that people are aware of the impact it can have. I have anecdotally known quite a few people stop trying and then get pregnant, but I realise for many on this thread the issues are very complex.
Sorry to hear so many sad stories on this thread

@randomsabreuse

I'm not convinced that the reality of a sibling actually lives up to the idea... at least for the child.

Lots of jealousy, fighting, juggling/balancing commitments to activities etc. Fairness is a constant argument!

I think as children you imagine a sibling as being your best friend in your house but unless they are unrealistically close in age (conceived under a year post birth) they're mostly annoying, or stopping you doing something fun!

This kind of thing had been said a few times, and really isn't helpful. What does help is to read the thread.

Gosh some people on this thread are so unkind!

As an only child I remember desperately wanting a sibling to play with. I don't think it's unusual for OP's child to want to be a big brother. The whole 'be grateful you have one child' is also unkind when she's been through pregnancy losses for pity's sake.

I don't have any words of wisdom, OP, but I sympathise.

If its any consolation dd used to want a sibling but now at age 12 is adamant she dosn't. Hrartbreaking though

@Drunkenmonkey

The 'just relax' posts are probably not relevant in this situation. I am so sorry for what you are going through OP, it is heartbreaking. I did just want to say though that for many people stress really does play a huge role in infertility issues. Stress can play havoc with hormones in both men and women. I won't go into detail, but it is something I am currently studying and I do think it's important that people are aware of the impact it can have. I have anecdotally known quite a few people stop trying and then get pregnant, but I realise for many on this thread the issues are very complex. Sorry to hear so many sad stories on this thread

I gave up a very stressful, senior level position 18 months ago btw.

Oh OP, your feelings are completely valid.

We have one DC (IVF, 7 years trying) and he will be an only. Because of a high likelihood of foetal abnormalities, we didn't try for another so although it was our choice, it was taken out of our hands.

I find that people don't know what to say about infertility and then when you have a baby, they think you

I have largely accepted not having more children but it's still shit and not what I wanted.
This week, I've heard 3 pregnancy announcements that have hit me hard. All three will be the second child for each family and that tends to cut me a bit more than a 3rd or 4th child.

My DS2 is almost 8 years younger than his older brother. I’d more or less given up and then had 3 mcs in a row. By the time I was pregnant with him I’d got used to mcs. I’m very aware of how lucky I am but I had got to the point of forcing myself to be very grateful for what I had and I vowed I would not be as sad as I was when we thought we would never have any.
The reality of a large age gap is not much sibling togetherness. Mine have both had more fun at home with friends round. I know COVID has made that difficult but when he’s at school and restrictions are lifted try to set up play dates so he has friends round.
We also picked holiday locations where there were likely to be other kids for him to play with. Our DC1 was always good at making friends quickly as he was keen to have someone to play with. So we went to French caravan sites and ended up with neighbouring kids in and out of our and their caravans and sharing swimming supervision etc.
I hope it does work out for you, but if not, try to work out ways that suit you to help him build up friendships and have friends round.

It's not fair and it's such a big issue in life for you that nothing I can say will stop that wanting of another child as that wanting is too strong. If it helps in some way I hear from your messages you are desperately concerned about your dc not having a sibling, you have to be careful that you don't portray your sad feelings over this onto dc as will pick up on this. I know you aid you didn't but children will pick up on things most adults don't be open minded about this. Try to keep positive for your dc and concentrate on making it the best life possible that they can have without having a sibling. You sound amazing and caring as a parent because you are very worried about your very lucky dc. Flip the coin.

I have one and she's fantastic. Are you projecting into your child? I don't mean that horribly but me and her know it's me and her and she is adamant we don't want or need anyone and we are a team- I actually think she'd be distraught if I ever had another but I'm 39 now so unlikely. She loves that it's just us x

My two DC do not always get on, but that isn't the point. When I had DC1 and yearned for another I saw happy multiple DCs everywhere and became jealous. I had a phantom pregnancy and molar pregnancy (6 mth tests as rare side effect is cancer but all clear). I count myself incredibly fortunate to have then had DC2. The not knowing, the longing, the losing, heartbreak, the seeing others appearing to pop them out easily, every other advert is a baby advert...I remember I felt like I was losing my mind.

Years after we had DC my exDH had a midlife crises became awful (controlling then had an affair) and we divorced. I still would put the molar pregnancy and longing above this in terms of wrenching pain.

I feel for everyone going through all that pain and wish you well

I can’t believe how many unempathetic comments there are on this thread. ‘Relax’ ‘try this natural treatment’ I’m speechless. OP I’m so sorry you’re not able to have the family you wanted and that you’ve had to endure the emotional rollercoaster you’ve had. I think it’s natural to feel jealous when someone has a thing we can’t obtain ourselves and in the case of children it’s such a big thing. My advice would be to accept that the jealousy is normal and allow yourself to feel it and when you’ve had that moment try to bring yourself back to what you do have with your DC. Having 1 DC does have a lot of pros for both you and the DC. try not to loose sight of what you do have.

*posted too soon

I find that people don't know what to say about infertility and then when you have a baby, they think you're cured but I am deeply affected by that time in my life. It was so incredibly difficult, so hard to talk about, it impacted hugely on our marriage, just such a sad time that I can't think about now without crying. Even without the health risks, I don't think I could have tried for another child, I don't think I would have coped.

Only being able to have one child is a sadness too but one that people don't really consider because they think I should be grateful for the one I have and I am hugely grateful for him but it doesn't mean I can't be sad for not being able to have more.

Are you projecting into your child?

Royal think before you type.

Also - read the thread.

OP has answered this. (No is the answer)

Why can't some posters accept OP's account, that her DS does want a sibling & gets upset? Nothing to do with OP.

Jesus christ.

We've all got information at our fingertips.

Shall we make 2021 the year where we stop telling women with fertility problems to "try relaxing" if they want to conceive?

@Drunkenmonkey

The 'just relax' posts are probably not relevant in this situation. I am so sorry for what you are going through OP, it is heartbreaking. I did just want to say though that for many people stress really does play a huge role in infertility issues. Stress can play havoc with hormones in both men and women. I won't go into detail, but it is something I am currently studying and I do think it's important that people are aware of the impact it can have. I have anecdotally known quite a few people stop trying and then get pregnant, but I realise for many on this thread the issues are very complex. Sorry to hear so many sad stories on this thread

Yet despite your opinion, women regularly have babies in war zones, as a result of violent rapes and other unimaginable hardships. I have an exceptionally privileged, relatively stress free life & the pick of Harley St when it comes to IVF and yet we still can’t get pregnant largely because my insides are pickled & I no longer have Fallopian tubes. Really, please feel free to get in the sea with your “stress matters” tips.

OP, we are onto IVF round 5 with no baby in sight and no tubes so there’ll be no “oops” baby for us, unlike all the lucky ladies on the thread who “just relaxed”

Whether you want 1 or 5 or is irrelevant. I’l went through some incredibly tough stuff in my childhood and this is 100x worse, it’s a grief that is indescribable no matter how otherwise fulfilling your life may be.

What I have found helpful is grief counselling with my rather no nonsense psychologist. I hated psychotherapy and in particular hated fertility counselling, but proper CBT has been very useful to make it at least a bearable situation. I also hate the IVF social media community generally (fuck off with your pineapple socks) but if you can find the right ladies in a similar situation, then it can also be a tremendous source of supper.

*Support. Not supper!

I'm absolutely gobsmacked at some of the replies on here. Telling you to relax, and be grateful for what you have, seriously?! OP, I'm really sorry you are facing these problems. Wanting another child in no way reflects that you are not grateful for the one you have. I can't offer advice, but I can tell you that I was an only child. I longed for a sibling at times (and that was nothing to do with projection from my parents, they stopped at 1 out of choice). However, I was very close to my parents, they were my friends. My Dad was my best friend through my childhood, and honestly now if I could go back and change things I wouldn't. But, I get how you feel. There are 5 years between my two, and we had some problems where we thought there wouldn't be DC2, it broke my heart.

Sending you strength @Porridgeislife ❤️