I'm jealous of mums with more than 1 child

[greendress789]

I'm jealous of mums with more than 1 child because it's what I want but just can't seem to have.

I have a DC through IVF and have spent the last 4 and a half years trying to conceive a sibling. Multiple IVF failures. Miscarriages. Tens of thousands of pounds spent.

My son cries for a brother to play with. It breaks my heart!

Today at the park a school mum was there with the 3rd child she accidentally conceived during lockdown. Lockdown for me meant my IVF was cancelled and then a failed cycle at the end of 2020.

Not sure why I'm posting here. Just to get it out I think. I can't talk to my husband as it's upsetting for him too.

Ideally I would've loved 3 children but that's never going to happen. 😢

Whereisthewarmth (indeed, where is it?), maybe you will read the full thread next time before posting, especially if it’s about a sensitive topic, where the OP is genuinely struggling.

I can’t believe the “just relax” thing is still being trotted out. I don’t post on the fertility boards because our journey is over. No amount of “relaxing” would have helped though. To conceive an egg has to meet a sperm, get lucky, and find somewhere to implant. That won’t happen for lots of people without help. I went on to have a larger family and my youngest longs for a younger sibling, so I doubt it’s just OP “projecting”. Your little boy sounds lovely and loving. I think it’s far more likely he just thinks it would be more fun with another kid there. People talk a lot of shit about family size and what motivates it. I know that there’s a lovely little “back story” about us that basically paints me as a baby craving excessive weirdo. Truthfully I wanted a large family as a teen, but I have one because IVF meant that was what happened. The trite little stories people love to invent are a burden. You sound so lovely OP, and I love the sound of your open child welcoming home. I’m sorry it’s hard.

I'll confess that I haven't read the entire thread - just scrolled and read a handful of comments.

To those saying that it's not normal for a child to cry for a sibling - who are you to say what is normal or abnormal? Have you been in OP's shoes? We don't all have exactly the same experiences with our DC, so please refrain from being unkind.

I'm also an IVF Mummy. It took 6yrs for us to fall, after our fifth ICSI cycle. My daughter is now 5. After she was born, I gave up my well paid job to be there in her early formative years, as I didn't want to miss a thing. As such, financially, a sibling was off the cards. I couldn't risk paying £10,000+ for each attempt (possibly five or more times again) with no guarantees of success.

I'm in a SSR and have PCOS and Endometriosis, so conceiving was never going to be easy anyway! I have always felt blessed to have our little miracle.
However, as she's got older, she regularly asks for a sibling, and tells anyone who'll listen how much she wants a brother or sister to play with. My wife and I are both very hands on, and play with her regularly and we do so much together as a family.
However, she says she's lonely when we're having to do 'jobs' (cooking, cleaning etc). It's gotten to the point that she's made up an imaginary friend to keep her company on these few occasions when she has to play alone, and it breaks my heart that I can't give her a sibling. I always imagined myself having two children, and I grew up as one of four so can't imagine being in her situation.

I feel you, OP.
Sending love to you and your son.

I know people are calling for this thread to be moved but it's important for people to see the reality of not being able to conceive and how it affects you.

I think you are right OP.

I have been so moved by the posts here. People are going through so much. Thank you all for sharing your experiences. ❤️

@FedUp1984

I'll confess that I haven't read the entire thread - just scrolled and read a handful of comments.

To those saying that it's not normal for a child to cry for a sibling - who are you to say what is normal or abnormal? Have you been in OP's shoes? We don't all have exactly the same experiences with our DC, so please refrain from being unkind.

I'm also an IVF Mummy. It took 6yrs for us to fall, after our fifth ICSI cycle. My daughter is now 5. After she was born, I gave up my well paid job to be there in her early formative years, as I didn't want to miss a thing. As such, financially, a sibling was off the cards. I couldn't risk paying £10,000+ for each attempt (possibly five or more times again) with no guarantees of success.

I'm in a SSR and have PCOS and Endometriosis, so conceiving was never going to be easy anyway! I have always felt blessed to have our little miracle.
However, as she's got older, she regularly asks for a sibling, and tells anyone who'll listen how much she wants a brother or sister to play with. My wife and I are both very hands on, and play with her regularly and we do so much together as a family.
However, she says she's lonely when we're having to do 'jobs' (cooking, cleaning etc). It's gotten to the point that she's made up an imaginary friend to keep her company on these few occasions when she has to play alone, and it breaks my heart that I can't give her a sibling. I always imagined myself having two children, and I grew up as one of four so can't imagine being in her situation.

I feel you, OP.
Sending love to you and your son.

Mine also makes up imaginary friends and has even made a profile for them on our Netflix 😩

@GrumpyHoonMain 30! My goodness 💐

• just to be clear op my own dc are bereft in many ways, and I'm shocked at how my post has been taken.

Of course your feelings of grief, loss etc are valid and of course I'm not trying to compare or say one is valid over another.

I've yearned and been utterly smashed and broken hearted over many issues I can't magic up for my dc..

I've simply learned the hard way and through bitter experience.. To learn to accept where we are... Every day and all around us we are reminded of our loss.. And it's painful but I try and focus on what we have now. I've not lived fully in the moment and then had what I had taken away...

I'm really sorry if my post sounded callous.. It' was actually meant in the best faith from someone who has suffered loss, is adept at death and funerals and loss and pain and feels strongly about trying to make the best of the here and now.

op.

And please, don't @ me to anyone else.

I'm jealous of people with one as I don't have any but that doesn't take away from your suffering.

Going through multiple miscarriages and IVF is traumatic enough, without having to cope with your DS crying for a sibling. You could maybe try providing your son with a basic explanation about how it's not completely within your control whether he gets a sibling.

Hi OP, I am so sorry for your fertility struggles. I hear you too and your feelings in your situation are totally valid. You sound like you are doing a brilliant job with your son.

I struggled with infertility/miscarriages and it was totally awful and took me to a very dark place.

It’s just shit, no two ways about it. I hope you find peace and acceptance.

Love xxx

That was your choice though. Mines been taken away from me.

Absolutely OP. I can't believe there are still posters talking about the difficulty of having multiple children.

Those posters have valid issues too, of course. But not on this thread.

For example, I'm a single parent to 3 wonderful but eh, spirited, children. My abusive marriage ended when they were v small. I have often (practically daily) worried about how I have failed my DC, how I am not often even close to being the best mother. It's really eaten away at me, the thought that they didn't ask for this situation. But as OP says, I chose to have DC, I was fortunate to have that choice. The fact that everything has not worked out as I wished is sad. But it can't compare with OP & others being denied something so intrinsic & important to them.

@Whereisthewarmth

Yours was an insensitive post, no matter how well meaning you meant it, and then to follow up with your second comment. If you thought @SaturdayRocks post was unnecessary and unpleasant post think about how both of yours were, unnecessary because in 13 pages yes people had to thought to say it and unpleasant because its a shit thing to say to someone who doesn't have the choice of having 2

Regardiing your son crying because he wants someone to play with - mine (twins) used to get annoyed and sometimes angry because the other is always there! I used to deal with it simply by saying "I get it, but you can't always have what you want". You shouldn't let his wants upset you - you love him, he's well card for I'm sure, he can have friends within lockdown rules - but he can't have everything he wants and he's to be firmly told that.

If you can’t cope with 2 then give me 1. I spent 10 years suffering through infertility treatments and had 30 early miscarriages to have one. I still have a lot if life and energy and could have 4-5 more and give them the perfect life and childhood.

@GrumpyHoonMain

I'm really sorry. 30 miscarriages - my God 😢

Grumpy I wasn't talking about my own.
I have close friend whose struggling to a severeve degree and know of others with issues, I had 2 siblings and also didn't get on with them and one to an extreme degree, to the point of fear of physical violence, extreme actions taken and police involvement.

Also it's not all about my DC wanting a sibling. I want to experience pregnancy again. Breastfeeding. The new baby experience. Instead I have boxes and boxes of clothes, the pram, cot, baby stuff in the loft waiting to be reused.

This is what's killed me. And the putting it all away after getting it out. I can't bring myself to give it away yet, it should be being worn by my DS2 but he's gone. I feel robbed.

I completely hear you and your sadness for yourself and your boy. I loved the post from the only child. I love to read this sort of thing myself. I can't have more yet feel the same as you often. Telling people to just be grateful is not going to wash right now I imagine. Allow yourself to grieve for the possiblity a second won't happen. Feeling this way is totally valid and processing it is healthy. I doubt you need to relax! You just need to be with it and then figure a way to make the most of each day you have. There are positives and coming out of lockdown may make it easier to generally feel more positive. I recruit as many play friends as possible and do alot with DC and their friends to make up for that sense of loss I feel.

I’ve known since DD was born that she would be an only child and 4 years on it’s still really hard to accept because it’s not a choice that I’ve made. Over several cycles of IVF, I had a stillborn DS, and an extremely premature DD. Should I be able to summon the mental and physical strength and funds for more IVF, and be lucky enough to become pregnant with my rubbish egg quality and DHs poor sperm count (neither of which will be improved by relaxing ) the odds are not in my favour to bring home a healthy full term baby.

Lockdown has been tough because DD didn’t see another child for months on end, no cousins, no play dates or nursery as she was shielding. I can sense that she wanted someone to play with, and I felt awful because I wanted her to never be lonely (as I was as a child).

DD does ask for a sibling, but we change the subject. She’d make a great big sister. Most of the mums that I got to know have had their second child, some are on the way to having their third - so I completely understand your feelings. It is definitely a type of grief.

Adoption or fostering is not an option for us because my DH is against it.

Please know that you’re not alone in your feelings. I hope you find peace

@LimpyLarry

Also it's not all about my DC wanting a sibling. I want to experience pregnancy again. Breastfeeding. The new baby experience. Instead I have boxes and boxes of clothes, the pram, cot, baby stuff in the loft waiting to be reused.

This is what's killed me. And the putting it all away after getting it out. I can't bring myself to give it away yet, it should be being worn by my DS2 but he's gone. I feel robbed.

I'm so sorry 💐

@Blueroses99

I’ve known since DD was born that she would be an only child and 4 years on it’s still really hard to accept because it’s not a choice that I’ve made. Over several cycles of IVF, I had a stillborn DS, and an extremely premature DD. Should I be able to summon the mental and physical strength and funds for more IVF, and be lucky enough to become pregnant with my rubbish egg quality and DHs poor sperm count (neither of which will be improved by relaxing ) the odds are not in my favour to bring home a healthy full term baby.

Lockdown has been tough because DD didn’t see another child for months on end, no cousins, no play dates or nursery as she was shielding. I can sense that she wanted someone to play with, and I felt awful because I wanted her to never be lonely (as I was as a child).

DD does ask for a sibling, but we change the subject. She’d make a great big sister. Most of the mums that I got to know have had their second child, some are on the way to having their third - so I completely understand your feelings. It is definitely a type of grief.

Adoption or fostering is not an option for us because my DH is against it.

Please know that you’re not alone in your feelings. I hope you find peace

Hi @Blueroses99 I have been on these boards for years so I know your story of J and A, in fact I looked at your blog the other day! Sending you 💐

I've yearned and been utterly smashed and broken hearted over many issues I can't magic up for my dc.

Yeah Warmth me & probably most posters here too.

It doesn't get around the trite nature of your comments to someone talking about infertility.

There's a time and a place to talk about your hurt & issues.

To tell a poster glibly that comparison is the thief of joy, on such a deeply emotive subject that one can't understand unless one has been there (and I haven't) is appalling. What is it you're at a loss to understand?

And the putting it all away after getting it out. I can't bring myself to give it away yet, it should be being worn by my DS2 but he's gone. I feel robbed.

This is a heart-breaking sentence.

I'm so so sorry Larry

OP I completely empathise with you and your little one. We were in the same position. The only present my DS asked for at Christmas was a sibling. He was absolutely desperate. He cried on Christmas Day when Santa hadn’t brought him one. Dh and I were completely bereft because we knew I couldn’t carry another child, I suffered from pregnancy related issues (had no problem getting pregnant but they were never successful due to my blood pressure being so high during pregnancy).
We adopted. We are now the very proud parents to two fabulous children. It hasn’t been the easiest journey but it’s been so worth it. Adding to your family doesn’t have to mean another birth child. I can’t imagine not having the family I have now, and I have my struggles to thank for that.
There is always hope, you sound like you have a lot of love to give. It may be worth considering for you too.
I hope you are all ok

Sorry you're going through this OP

My first child was a result of IVF and during lockdown I found out I was pregnant naturally which was a massive shock, but a lovely one, she was born in October. Our fertility issues were all on my side and I was told we would never be able to conceive naturally, but we did, so there is hope and I hope you get your miracle.

I was an only child growing up, and I never felt lonely and have some beautiful memories; if your dear LO remains an only child, I'm sure you will make his childhood the best you can

@Ohnomoreno

I can imagine it would be upsetting. I guess we always want what we don't have. I have three children, and am quite depressed about the incontinence, the constant noise, the loss of my career, the struggle to make them all feel equal all the time when they're all so different. Obviously I theoretically had a choice to have an abortion(failed contraception), so I guess it's different in that you don't have any forks in the road. I enjoyed the first two years when we had just one child much more than anything since. Everything since then has been unrelenting and constantly finds me wanting in patience, kindness and confidence. I dunno, I guess it's hard either way.

I am so sorry. That really is very sad.

I feel for you OP. You seem to be in the middle of the cycle of wanting and praying and it is so difficult. It's hard to describe but when you are in the midst of it, it is incredibly stressful and heartbreaking. If you find room for acceptance that heartache does fade. You are not there yet, I think. I wish you the best and hope your wishes are fulfilled.