I'm jealous of mums with more than 1 child

[greendress789]

I'm jealous of mums with more than 1 child because it's what I want but just can't seem to have.

I have a DC through IVF and have spent the last 4 and a half years trying to conceive a sibling. Multiple IVF failures. Miscarriages. Tens of thousands of pounds spent.

My son cries for a brother to play with. It breaks my heart!

Today at the park a school mum was there with the 3rd child she accidentally conceived during lockdown. Lockdown for me meant my IVF was cancelled and then a failed cycle at the end of 2020.

Not sure why I'm posting here. Just to get it out I think. I can't talk to my husband as it's upsetting for him too.

Ideally I would've loved 3 children but that's never going to happen. 😢

Just stop typing

@Sobeyondthehills

👏👏👏😂😂😂

I’m sorry you feel Crap, that your IVF was cancelled, that you’ve had so many disappointments. It sucks. And there’s no point telling you to be happy with what you’ve got, because these things aren’t logical, if we were logical, most of us would never even have one child. Whilst I have ended up with the two children I wanted, I did have two miscarriages and it felt like a long road, and when trying for a second I KNEW I should be grateful for my healthy, happy, lovely boy, but there was a gap there that wasn’t easily filled. I know my experience isn’t the same, but I’ve had a glimpse and it’s not nice.

So sympathies. Allow yourself your feelings and to grieve for the future you hoped for, there’s nothing wrong with that and you don’t need to feel guilty for it. It’s possible to be eternally grateful for what you have, whilst acknowledging that if you’d had the choice, it would have been different.

To the people describing it as grief. That's the right word. It's an underlying grief that my husband and I deal with EVERY SINGLE DAY.

I do recall this feeling. We struggled to have a second child (in the end we did) and to be honest it almost felt worse, the cravings for a child, when I already had one. I wanted to be pregnant again. I wanted to have a newborn again. I knew what I was missing out on...

So my point is I get it. Hugs.

I wanted more than one and have had to train my brain to look at the positives of having one. We are doing our best to give her a full and involved and fun and loving childhood.

She sometimes asks for a sister and my heart breaks (her little sister was born sleeping). But I smile and we go and do something else. I remind her that siblings argue and annoy each other too!

Am hoping she has a close life long bond with cousins and friends and meets a fabulous life partner.

I'm really sorry to hear this. I have seen you on the donor boards. I really hope you get the chance to be a mum. 🙏

Thanks. That made me cry. I'm trying not to get my hopes up as the crushing disappointment every month is too much. To be honest, I'm feeling like life isn't worth living.

I'm one of the people looking at you wishing I had what you have. I know that doesn't make it any better. I don't have anything supportive to say other than the pain is hideous and unless you've been there perhaps you can't understand it. I think sometimes we have to accept that it isn't going to go the way we want and make other plans or else life is just unbearable. Grasping for what we can't have is really painful.

I would consider fostering or adoption but I want the experience of a newborn and to breast feed. I also suspect, perhaps wrongly, that I wouldn't be accepted.

It sucks. I'm sorry.

bitheby

@mellongoose

I wanted more than one and have had to train my brain to look at the positives of having one. We are doing our best to give her a full and involved and fun and loving childhood.

She sometimes asks for a sister and my heart breaks (her little sister was born sleeping). But I smile and we go and do something else. I remind her that siblings argue and annoy each other too!

Am hoping she has a close life long bond with cousins and friends and meets a fabulous life partner.

I'm so sorry to read this💐

@Whereisthewarmth

Op I imagine it's been said but I can't stress enough about siblings not getting on... Having two can be incredibly hard!! And if they fight it can drain the life and soul out of everyone...

Comparison is the thief of joy..

@Whereisthewarmth - you are being roundly called out on your posts, and you deserve to be.

What you are saying has been said. Several times. And it was not helpful the previous times. To the extent that several people have pointed why it’s not helpful (like it really needs an explanation).

You don’t have to post on a thread, you know. If you can’t be bothered reading everyone’s posts - or at least just the OP’s - why on earth would you think we’d be so interested in what random old you has to say?

And then to come back, minutes later, still not having RTFT to post more inane nonsense?

Cop on to yourself.

Op, I have been trying for a child for four years almost and would give anything to be a mother, and I wouldn't dream of telling you to just be happy with what you've got. You're allowed to be heartbroken over this, your feelings are absolutely valid. I'm sorry you're hurting, I wish you all the best for the future.

@greendress789

To the people describing it as grief. That's the right word. It's an underlying grief that my husband and I deal with EVERY SINGLE DAY.

While I did describe it as this, for me it felt worse because there was always that tiny little bit of hope that it might happen well intentioned people kept saying.

"my aunt's 3rd cousin 4 times removed couldn't concieve but then one day she just relaxed and it happened straight away"

type thing and every day that goes past its another day you are not pregnant, another day you are getting closer to your cut off date, every period (that fucking decides to be late one month and you get your hopes up) is a kick in the stomach when it arrives.

And then you get the whole while you do have one comments so you should be grateful

When you get that and understand it, but you can't help the way you feel and you don't get why you can't do something as easily as millions of other women and you often get reminders in the most unusual of ways. My latest was not being able to carry my DS and knowing I would never be able to carry him about again and not have that chance again.

It really is shit and your feelings are absoloutly valid

@BrumBoo

I know it's not what you want but maybe if you relax a little it might just happen?

Sorry to distract from the op, but what the actual fuck @Mickey1234? Of all the shitty, stupid things to say to a woman with fertility issues, that had IVF for just one child, this is really the pits. Have you ever heard the phrase 'better to say nothing and thought a fool than open your mouth and remove all doubt'?

Well said @BrumBoo.

@Mickey1234 I’m infertile because I went through premature menopause in my thirties, which means we couldn’t conceive a much longed for second child. We don’t even have the option of IVF. Will relaxing reverse this? I wish someone had told all the OBGYN consultants we’ve seen!

I know Mickey1234 has been truly & appropriately taken to task about her massively stupid & insensitive comments, so I don't want to harp on.

I just want to say OP how truly sorry I am for what you are going through. I speak from the absolute privilege of having 3 DC, and not having experienced any of the heartbreaking difficulties you & others have had.

Your posts, and other posters' have been deeply affecting. I can only imagine what it must be like to not only deal with the physical & emotional effects of your fertility treatment, your feelings of loss & grief around not having more DC but also your DS' feelings & upset.

I have listened to close family & friends when they've been experiencing infertility. The pain they've gone through has been extraordinarily hard. In my entitlement, I blithely imagined myself with 4 children, I have 3, and to an extent, took it for granted it would happen. I do know how massively fortunate I am, to have 3 healthy children.

A family member was unable to have DC as he had no sperm. He had just had a painful & invasive operation to check if there might be even a small amount in his body, that could be used. Sadly there wasn't. His wife's family (who are really lovely, honestly) said 'ah you'd never know! What's for you won't go by you' (good Irish saying!) How do you respond to that? There was no way they could have DC (themselves, without a donor, at least.

💐 to you OP you sound wonderful, compassionate & determined. I wish you the very best.

Also thinking of the many other posters here who have experienced such hard times, loss & disappointment.

Saturday what an unnecessary and unpleasant post.

My post was given in good faith, and from very personal experience.

Sixty years ago, eight years after several miscarriages, my DPIL adopted a child to be a sibling for their only son. And it was 25 years of child rearing, only for them to realise that they didn't like the personality of the child once the child reached adulthood. As older people, they have nothing in common, and don't really like one another. Definitely not friends and will send polite Xmas cards once the surviving parent is dead. But in the meantime, both children are united in ensuring that an elderly lady feels loved for the rest of her life.

@bitheby

I'm really sorry to hear this. I have seen you on the donor boards. I really hope you get the chance to be a mum. 🙏

Thanks. That made me cry. I'm trying not to get my hopes up as the crushing disappointment every month is too much. To be honest, I'm feeling like life isn't worth living.

I'm one of the people looking at you wishing I had what you have. I know that doesn't make it any better. I don't have anything supportive to say other than the pain is hideous and unless you've been there perhaps you can't understand it. I think sometimes we have to accept that it isn't going to go the way we want and make other plans or else life is just unbearable. Grasping for what we can't have is really painful.

I would consider fostering or adoption but I want the experience of a newborn and to breast feed. I also suspect, perhaps wrongly, that I wouldn't be accepted.

It sucks. I'm sorry.

I understand. It took me over 2 years to conceive my DC. I felt despair like no other. I honestly wanted to throw myself down the stairs to get the pain out of me. My husband said the day he found out the ivf worked he walked to work with his head up after years of slumping down with the weight on his shoulders.

I know people are calling for this thread to be moved but it's important for people to see the reality of not being able to conceive and how it affects you.

I am wishing you all the luck in the world! I truly mean that 💐

Also it's not all about my DC wanting a sibling. I want to experience pregnancy again. Breastfeeding. The new baby experience. Instead I have boxes and boxes of clothes, the pram, cot, baby stuff in the loft waiting to be reused.

I had a lump in my throat reading this OP.

I hope so much for a happy outcome for you, if at all possible (I read your list of treatments & interventions & recognise how tough it's been and that it may not be possible now).

I can imagine it would be upsetting. I guess we always want what we don't have. I have three children, and am quite depressed about the incontinence, the constant noise, the loss of my career, the struggle to make them all feel equal all the time when they're all so different. Obviously I theoretically had a choice to have an abortion(failed contraception), so I guess it's different in that you don't have any forks in the road. I enjoyed the first two years when we had just one child much more than anything since. Everything since then has been unrelenting and constantly finds me wanting in patience, kindness and confidence. I dunno, I guess it's hard either way.

@EarringsandLipstick

I know Mickey1234 has been truly & appropriately taken to task about her massively stupid & insensitive comments, so I don't want to harp on.

I just want to say OP how truly sorry I am for what you are going through. I speak from the absolute privilege of having 3 DC, and not having experienced any of the heartbreaking difficulties you & others have had.

Your posts, and other posters' have been deeply affecting. I can only imagine what it must be like to not only deal with the physical & emotional effects of your fertility treatment, your feelings of loss & grief around not having more DC but also your DS' feelings & upset.

I have listened to close family & friends when they've been experiencing infertility. The pain they've gone through has been extraordinarily hard. In my entitlement, I blithely imagined myself with 4 children, I have 3, and to an extent, took it for granted it would happen. I do know how massively fortunate I am, to have 3 healthy children.

A family member was unable to have DC as he had no sperm. He had just had a painful & invasive operation to check if there might be even a small amount in his body, that could be used. Sadly there wasn't. His wife's family (who are really lovely, honestly) said 'ah you'd never know! What's for you won't go by you' (good Irish saying!) How do you respond to that? There was no way they could have DC (themselves, without a donor, at least.

💐 to you OP you sound wonderful, compassionate & determined. I wish you the very best.

Also thinking of the many other posters here who have experienced such hard times, loss & disappointment.

Thank you ❤️

I’ve known three people in your situation and I get that it’s genuinely awful. You feel like you don’t have control of your life and you see others effortlessly getting what you most want.

But - what’s very clear to me is that the person who is happiest in the long run is the one who came to terms with her lot. Yes, she’d have liked two or three kids and only had one. But she had one - and adores him. And, like everything else in life, there are pros and cons in every situation. So she tries to maximise the positive (more money, more time) and mitigate the negative (time spent with cousins, hosting play dates etc).

Plus (at the risk of sounding crass), when people talk of siblings, they think of kids playing and growing up together- usually a 2/3/4 year age gap. An 8 year gap (as my other friend discovered) is a different reality all together. (She’s thrilled with the second child, of course, but I don’t think it’s exactly the family she imagined. And I can’t help wondering if the trauma of the years of IVF and miscarriages affected her enjoyment of her first child. It was certainly a hellish time for her, which scars the memories of her DD’s first 7 or 8 years.

Your grief is natural. But I think - if you can - you need to try and accept that life didn’t turn out as you’d have liked and move on with the life and son you do have. Remember too - there are no guarantees that he would get on with a sibling - and with an 8 year gap they’d be very unlikely to play or have much in common. Try to focus on the positives of your life and convey those to your son. It’s hard, but I do think it’ll pay dividends in the end.

@bitheby

I'm really sorry to hear this. I have seen you on the donor boards. I really hope you get the chance to be a mum. 🙏

Thanks. That made me cry. I'm trying not to get my hopes up as the crushing disappointment every month is too much. To be honest, I'm feeling like life isn't worth living.

I'm one of the people looking at you wishing I had what you have. I know that doesn't make it any better. I don't have anything supportive to say other than the pain is hideous and unless you've been there perhaps you can't understand it. I think sometimes we have to accept that it isn't going to go the way we want and make other plans or else life is just unbearable. Grasping for what we can't have is really painful.

I would consider fostering or adoption but I want the experience of a newborn and to breast feed. I also suspect, perhaps wrongly, that I wouldn't be accepted.

It sucks. I'm sorry.

*Bitheby * I'm so sorry. Your post just exudes such pain & sadness.

I hope for happiness for you. At the very least, I hope for peace for you ... it's desperate that you are feeling life isn't worth living at the moment. ❤️

@MagnoliaBeige

You’re allowed to feel sad for struggling to have the family you’d dreamed of, being told “relax” and “be grateful you have one” is textbook crap people say to women with fertility issues

I have no advice not you’re not alone xxx

This. I have one child by IVF and would also have liked another. It's shit and unfair. I hear you OP.

@Ohnomoreno

I can imagine it would be upsetting. I guess we always want what we don't have. I have three children, and am quite depressed about the incontinence, the constant noise, the loss of my career, the struggle to make them all feel equal all the time when they're all so different. Obviously I theoretically had a choice to have an abortion(failed contraception), so I guess it's different in that you don't have any forks in the road. I enjoyed the first two years when we had just one child much more than anything since. Everything since then has been unrelenting and constantly finds me wanting in patience, kindness and confidence. I dunno, I guess it's hard either way.

That was your choice though. Mines been taken away from me.

Feel for you and in the same situation in that I have one child and can't have any more

Relaxing ain't gonna work for either of us.

I think the best that you can do is focus on all the benefits of having an only. No more baby phase, more money, child has 100% undivided attention: you can focus more on giving him/her the best of what you can afford. I also take
Comfort knowing I have lots of friends who are only child and they are all confident, happy, well rounded people.

@Whereisthewarmth

Op I imagine it's been said but I can't stress enough about siblings not getting on... Having two can be incredibly hard!! And if they fight it can drain the life and soul out of everyone...

Comparison is the thief of joy..

If you can’t cope with 2 then give me 1. I spent 10 years suffering through infertility treatments and had 30 early miscarriages to have one. I still have a lot if life and energy and could have 4-5 more and give them the perfect life and childhood.