Page 12 | I'm jealous of mums with more than 1 child

greendress789 · 2021-04-21T17:04:24+00:00

I'm jealous of mums with more than 1 child because it's what I want but just can't seem to have. I have a DC through IVF and have spent the last 4 and a half years trying to conceive a sibling. Multiple IVF failures. Miscarriages. Tens of thousands of pounds spent. My son cries for a brother to play with. It breaks my heart! Today at the park a school mum was there with the 3rd child she accidentally conceived during lockdown. Lockdown for me meant my IVF was cancelled and then a failed cycle at the end of 2020. Not sure why I'm posting here. Just to get it out I think. I can't talk to my husband as it's upsetting for him too. Ideally I would've loved 3 children but that's never going to happen. 😢

IhateBoswell · 21/04/2021 20:28

I honestly can’t believe the number of posters (who haven’t experienced secondary infertility) telling OP the same shit over and over 🙄

majesticallyawkward · 21/04/2021 20:31

That sounds really rough on you OP. No advice at all, I've been there with the infertility and it's shit, draining and heartbreaking. Do you have plans now lockdowns are easing?

I see we had a house on the useless bs early on 'just relax' and 'you can always adopt' like it's some magic answer. It's not, relaxing won't cure infertility no matter how many anecdotal stories are paraded out and adoption isn't fix-all. I'm sure the PPs meant well, but please keep that to yourself.

Original poster

greendress789 · 21/04/2021 20:31

@bevm72yellow

Sorry that you are struggling through all of this. We grow up thinking what way our lives will look like and for many it takes a very different route. full of disappointment sometimes. And nobody truly understands "the gang" you are in unless they are in that same "gang" of people who struggle to conceive. You sound bursting with the need to love more children and be heard. I hear you. And no you are not failing your little boy by not" providing" a sibling. When he grows up he will not feel "failed".

Thank you for this ❤️

OP posts:

willstarttomorrow · 21/04/2021 20:32

OP, I have a miracle only child. I do understand your anguish to some extent. However, whilst DC has expressed wanting a sibling, particularly after DH died and we had to become used to being a weird little twosome, she never cried about it. She asked me about adopting a Syrian baby (strange conversation in the car when listening to the news), bringing a sibling home- because of my work, I sometimes unfortunately have find homes for children away from their families.

OP, I know you are insistent that your DC is not mirroring your feelings. However, children are sponges and this is how they learn. As parents, how ever uncomfortable it is, sometimes we have to admit to ourselves that children are impacted by things happening in the home. Because they are. I totally got it wrong when DH died, parents I work with believe if the kids are in another room/asleep they have no idea what is happening within their house. You totally need to work through your grief about not having child number 2, but please do not kid yourself that child 1 is oblivious.

BrumBoo · 21/04/2021 20:32

@marmitepasta

Whilst I very much understand you feeling sad, I think in time you will come to accept your situation and be grateful for the child that you do have.

@marmitepasta, do you think any of this post is appropriate? What possessed you to press the post button? Are you devoid of empathy, braincells or both?

MiniCooperLover · 21/04/2021 20:33

I had to have a chat with my child when he was around 6 and explain we'd tried very hard to have a brother or sister and couldn't and he cried his heart out. He'd just thought one would arrive somehow and even at 6.5 he really wanted a baby in the house. He loves his cousins and all his friends younger siblings and it's the saddest I've ever seen him be. We never projected to him, he just wanted company. It's hard OP. And to whoever said it fuck off with the 'just relax' 🙄

Sobeyondthehills · 21/04/2021 20:33

@greendress789

Also it's not all about my DC wanting a sibling. I want to experience pregnancy again. Breastfeeding. The new baby experience. Instead I have boxes and boxes of clothes, the pram, cot, baby stuff in the loft waiting to be reused.

I had all this as well, the only reason I got rid of it, is because we were moving to a smaller place and we couldn't take it with us.

It really hurt the day I started to get rid of it.

Whereisthewarmth · 21/04/2021 20:33

Op I imagine it's been said but I can't stress enough about siblings not getting on... Having two can be incredibly hard!! And if they fight it can drain the life and soul out of everyone...

Comparison is the thief of joy..

priccey · 21/04/2021 20:34

Oh I'm so sorry for all you've been through and the horrid comments on this thread.
I think your feelings are absolutely normal, you can experience gratefulness and sadness all at the same time contrary to what many people say.
This lockdown has been tough for only children and I have friends who have been asked constantly for a sibling by their DC, some seem to have a strong desire where others don't.
I'm an only child and had a happy childhood, close to my parents. I think the worst part was being asked by people whether I wished I had a sibling, probably by the same people who would of told my parents to just relax.

Whereisthewarmth · 21/04/2021 20:35

Also, most dc miss something... Grand parents, a parent, parents.. Cousins....

Worldwide2 · 21/04/2021 20:36

I'm sorry you can't have what your heart really wants, I think it would be so much better for you to try to make peace with it. Draw a line under it and move on so to speak. I say this because still being in the mind of wanting to try and hoping you can't move on.
Focus on your dc, as an only they can have your undivided attention and love. You can do so many fun things with dc easy than with multiples. Enjoy him op and enjoy life, don't think about what you can't have and think about what you do have.
I hope you come to terms with it. Wishing you the best.

Sobeyondthehills · 21/04/2021 20:37

@Whereisthewarmth

Also, most dc miss something... Grand parents, a parent, parents.. Cousins....

Just stop typing

triceratopsmama · 21/04/2021 20:38

@Whereisthewarmth

Also, most dc miss something... Grand parents, a parent, parents.. Cousins....

Jesus Christ, sod off somewhere else if you can't say anything nice

LimpyLarry · 21/04/2021 20:38

I had secondary infertility (diagnosed), fell pregnant with my miracle baby and we lost him at 21+4 (TFMR). My dc1 asks for a sibling, asks why his brother died, asks when we'll get another baby that comes to live in our house and not in heaven. He is old enough to understand that we were excited, then bereft, and that now there's lots of "we're not sure /maybe one day and maybe never..." and it's hard.

It is heartbreaking to not be able to have the pregnancies, babies, children you thought you'd have.

I'm sorry to all those who have suffered here

iminthegarden · 21/04/2021 20:38

I really feel for you. It's very hard when the option is taken from you. I was told we couldn't conceive then I saw pregnant ladies at every turn and it consumed me. No one can sympathise at how agonising it can be unless they've been in your shoes. We did eventually have two children through ivf and I desperately yearn for a third I know I can't have, even though I know and appreciate how lucky we are. It's very odd, but very real emotion.

JackieWeaverHandforthCouncil · 21/04/2021 20:39

OP your feelings are entirely valid and it’s not abnormal that your child cries for a sibling. Outing but this has all happened to me, it’s real. And it fucking hurts. I spent a lot of money trying to conceive a sibling. It didn’t work.

I could barely raise a smile when people told me they were expecting their 2nd, 3rd. People couldn’t wait to tell me how their DCs were BFFs.

I will never forget once when at the end of a play date my DD cried because we were going home and she had nobody to play with and everyone else had a bother or sister apart from her. She did this in front of the other parents and what made it even harder was that I’d gained a rep for being the only FT working mum when most of them were SAHM or PT. I’d had comments previously that I was career focused so they probably assumed I only wanted one because I was career obsessed but they didn’t know I was having to wake up at 5am to inject myself with God knows what to try and and conceive.

In the end my DH suggested we adopt our second and we did. It was the joint best thing we ever did.

I’m not saying it’s right for you but I’ve been there. Take care x

Maireas · 21/04/2021 20:40

@Whereisthewarmth

Op I imagine it's been said but I can't stress enough about siblings not getting on... Having two can be incredibly hard!! And if they fight it can drain the life and soul out of everyone...

Comparison is the thief of joy..

It has been said.

winniesanderson · 21/04/2021 20:40

I have not had fertility difficulties so I can't begin to understand how you're feeling. However I have a huge age gap for other reasons. (A long stint as a single parent). And my eldest did cry, many times, for a sibling. Especially around the age of 6/7. There was no possibility of having one, so I definitely wasn't projecting!

Scrfgkesjwjrf · 21/04/2021 20:41

I feel the same, OP, so I have complete sympathy for you. It is awful. But there is no chance of another for us. I am getting used to the idea, will never be happy with it, but am grateful every day for the one I have. That said, it doesn’t change the feeling when I see mums with more than one, or friends with DC similar age to mine announcing pregnancies. No answer but 100% sympathy. All the idiots posting crap on this thread can piss off. Ignore them. Your feelings are real, valid and shared by many others.

GoldBar · 21/04/2021 20:43

There is so much shit on this thread. People can take their "blessed", "relax" and "you're projecting" comments and shove them up their arses.

OP, I'm sorry . Not only have you not had the second child you wanted, but I imagine your life has essentially been on hold for much of the past few years. Not wanting to drink too much, taking supplements, doing pregnancy tests, taking time off work for treatment, being poked and prodded, planning for a baby who didn't arrive.... It must have been absolutely shit for you and, if people can't understand that, they're complete idiots.

There are a lot of advantages to having an only child but it's not what you want. So, if you can afford it, I'd keep trying a little longer but set a deadline for accepting it's not going to happen and considering other options like adoption if you feel you are up to it (with the caveat that adoption of course is a totally different sort of challenge). One thing less to worry about at this stage is the age gap. Since any second child isn't going to be a playmate as such for your child, it takes the pressure off from conceiving right now. Often siblings with bigger age gaps are very close because the rivalry is lacking. My mother adored her older sister as a child (9 year age gap).

Original poster

greendress789 · 21/04/2021 20:43

@JackieWeaverHandforthCouncil

OP your feelings are entirely valid and it’s not abnormal that your child cries for a sibling. Outing but this has all happened to me, it’s real. And it fucking hurts. I spent a lot of money trying to conceive a sibling. It didn’t work.

I could barely raise a smile when people told me they were expecting their 2nd, 3rd. People couldn’t wait to tell me how their DCs were BFFs.

I will never forget once when at the end of a play date my DD cried because we were going home and she had nobody to play with and everyone else had a bother or sister apart from her. She did this in front of the other parents and what made it even harder was that I’d gained a rep for being the only FT working mum when most of them were SAHM or PT. I’d had comments previously that I was career focused so they probably assumed I only wanted one because I was career obsessed but they didn’t know I was having to wake up at 5am to inject myself with God knows what to try and and conceive.

In the end my DH suggested we adopt our second and we did. It was the joint best thing we ever did.

I’m not saying it’s right for you but I’ve been there. Take care x

Thank you for sharing your story ❤️

OP posts:

Original poster

greendress789 · 21/04/2021 20:44

@GoldBar

There is so much shit on this thread. People can take their "blessed", "relax" and "you're projecting" comments and shove them up their arses.

OP, I'm sorry . Not only have you not had the second child you wanted, but I imagine your life has essentially been on hold for much of the past few years. Not wanting to drink too much, taking supplements, doing pregnancy tests, taking time off work for treatment, being poked and prodded, planning for a baby who didn't arrive.... It must have been absolutely shit for you and, if people can't understand that, they're complete idiots.

There are a lot of advantages to having an only child but it's not what you want. So, if you can afford it, I'd keep trying a little longer but set a deadline for accepting it's not going to happen and considering other options like adoption if you feel you are up to it (with the caveat that adoption of course is a totally different sort of challenge). One thing less to worry about at this stage is the age gap. Since any second child isn't going to be a playmate as such for your child, it takes the pressure off from conceiving right now. Often siblings with bigger age gaps are very close because the rivalry is lacking. My mother adored her older sister as a child (9 year age gap).

You sound great 😃

OP posts:

EarringsandLipstick · 21/04/2021 20:46

@Whereisthewarmth

Op I imagine it's been said but I can't stress enough about siblings not getting on... Having two can be incredibly hard!! And if they fight it can drain the life and soul out of everyone...

Comparison is the thief of joy..

Despite everyone pointing out how utterly unhelpful & callous these type of posts are, they still keep coming.

Why would you post this? OP has been so clear about her feelings, and why she's grieving. To post something so thoughtless takes my breath away.

It's irrelevant to OP & her feelings how other people's children get on or not. And so insensitive to say - I'd bet OP would give anything to be wrangling squabbling DC into bed right now.

EarringsandLipstick · 21/04/2021 20:47

@Whereisthewarmth

Also, most dc miss something... Grand parents, a parent, parents.. Cousins....

Ah you weren't done first time round 😲

welshladywhois40 · 21/04/2021 20:47

Hi - I am going to throw a hand hold - we did manage to make a 2nd child but only after 2 heartbreaking miscarriages.

So yes you are allowed to be upset and want more.

I really hope you find a way to complete your family