I'm jealous of mums with more than 1 child

[greendress789]

I'm jealous of mums with more than 1 child because it's what I want but just can't seem to have.

I have a DC through IVF and have spent the last 4 and a half years trying to conceive a sibling. Multiple IVF failures. Miscarriages. Tens of thousands of pounds spent.

My son cries for a brother to play with. It breaks my heart!

Today at the park a school mum was there with the 3rd child she accidentally conceived during lockdown. Lockdown for me meant my IVF was cancelled and then a failed cycle at the end of 2020.

Not sure why I'm posting here. Just to get it out I think. I can't talk to my husband as it's upsetting for him too.

Ideally I would've loved 3 children but that's never going to happen. 😢

@DontBuyANewMumCashmere

I'm so sorry that you're in this position. Sometimes things are just shit, and it's ok to feel like this.

You can be grateful for your DS and still pine for a sibling, you can relax all you want but this won't help. I also doubt you're sitting at home crying and wailing YOU DON'T HAVE A BABY BROTHER and poking him until he picks up the cues... Kids often want playmates and it's natural, something he's obviously seen from books and TV or other families, not because you're projecting onto him!!

I hope you can either come to terms with having a fabulous only child who you will make a really close bond with, or have a miraculous pg sometime soon.
Crossing fingers for you.

Sorry you've had a lot of unsympathetic comments here.

Thanks 💐

I echo what others have said, secondary infertility is real.

When you can’t have the number of children you’ve wanted it’s life changing. It literally changes the life you’ve imagined into a life you didn’t imagine. It’s the same as saying to someone who has a life changing health diagnosis “be thankful for the parts of your body that do work”. Telling someone who’s coming to terms with their new life plan “be thankful for what you have” is so pointless and arbitrary. OP you’ll get there and you will be thankful eventually but in the mean time it’s fine to be jealous and sad

i agree crying for a sybling is very unusual especially at that age

Crying for a sibling is most unusual, you know.

No it's not.

Secondary infertility is incredibly painful. I'm sorry, OP.

Surrogacy may be an option.

We have an only child. It became clear during her birth that it would not be possible to have another. I was on such an emotional rollercoaster feeling so happy and relieved that I had been lucky enough to have one child given what went wrong but at the same time being sad there would never be another. It is quite a difficult set of emotions to describe.

Now we are 40 and she is 15 and I don’t really think about it much anymore but getting to that point took several years. Despite there being lots of only children there still appears to be quite a strong narrative around that children need siblings to be happy, that parents are a huge burden on only children when they are elderly etc. I don’t think this helped me as I felt bad for my child when there was no need to feel that at all.

I’m sorry that you are going through this OP. I’m sure you are a wonderful parent to your child and that that will always be the case whatever happens with your IVF. Lockdown has been hard for only children and funnily enough this is the first year my child has ever mentioned wanting a sibling so it doesn’t surprise me that your child has mentioned it too.

I suffered secondary infertility and can say the pain is like no other because you know what you are missing, and the age gap keeps widening.

I conceived Ds naturally. It took 7 years, £10k and loads of investigations and 4 rounds of ICSI with Pesa, one of the first cases in the country, against all the odds we were successful and had DD. There was an 8.5 year age gap.

Fast forward 22 years, DD is at Uni, DS is 30 and married. Two very different individuals with a massive age gap, they love each other dearly and get on better than I do with my sister with a 2 year age gap.

I say don’t give up OP, the pain and, yes, being envious of other people who conceive easily is unbearable and you can’t really discuss it with others. But stay positive if you can and keep going, whether that is more IVF, adoption or coming to terms with what you have xx

@Maggiesfarm please read the full thread.

@greendress789 I have an only. DD asks and has asked from about 3ish about a sibling but end of 2019 her cousins came to stay from abroad and they fought a lot so it put her off the idea quite a lot! She’ll still ask occasionally and we tell her that I can’t do it for MH reasons (she knows all about this) and that we love her so much we wouldn’t want to have to share the time and attention we have for her, and we also remind her that sometimes siblings just don’t get along. He best friend from school lives one road away so they play together a lot and have a cousin like relationship.

I know my situation is not the same as yours but I just wanted add that hiring bickering cousins could help 😂

Also, if it does happen for you, my DH and his half brother are a decade apart in age and have always been close. My brother and I are 2 years apart and are not close, so age difference is not always a factor.

Maybe this has made you look into adoption a little.

Whatever happens, it sounds like a very loving family

Yes come on OP, everyone knows the cure to infertility is relaxation 🙄

Of course it’s upsetting to not be able to have the child you so desperately want, whether you already have one or not. You are entitled to your feelings, they are valid.

I have an only child, she never cried over wanting a sibling, but then we weren’t in lockdown then, it must be a lot harder for only children now. Thank goodness they can finally go to school and meet their friends outside, it’s not perfect but it is something.

I really hope that you get what you want OP, and I hope that you are not upset by some of the insensitive comments people have made

I've not read all the comments. The first 2 were enough in fairness. You are allowed to be sad, you are allowed to grieve. I've got one child. We tried for 3 years for another because deciding it was too painful. Every now and again my son says he wishes he had a sibling and it breaks my heart. BUT, there's a lot of benefits to being an only child and only having the one. You're not alone ❤️.

I sympathise with you OP, as I would sympathise with someone who couldn’t have any children. I think it’s just really tough, wanting a child, or children and not being able to have them. Of course if you were with a childless couple I’d expect you to have a lot of sympathy for them and an appreciation that having one child is huge compared to none.

But still, there is something very hard about being unable to. My family relation has twins through IVF and is also quite grief stricken that she has had failed attempts to have more, and now has to call it a day. She has no one to share this with, as she feels that she would appear selfish. I know her well and she is very unselfish, really very kind and not needy. But there is a deep kind of sadness too. I think a few years of acceptance will help, but each IVF cycle is renewed hope and it is very, very hard to come to terms with that.

@Mumtwoboys90

i agree crying for a sybling is very unusual especially at that age

Read the full thread. He cries for a sibling when he's bored and wants someone to play with. He's not weeping and wailing 24 hours a day!

I’m sorry you’re in such pain.

Lockdown has been so hard for kids, not having others to play with. That will ease as things open up.

For you - I don’t have any wisdom to offer except sympathy.

For your child, I know lots of only children who are happy and settled. My husband is one and he doesn’t remember feeling lonely as a kid because he had lots of friends that were close and felt like brothers at the time.

Over time could you look into adoption or fostering as a way to have more children in your life if more biological children aren’t an option?

Knowing that you have one child doesn’t stop you being sad that you can’t have another. It’s just not fair.

Sorry that you are struggling through all of this. We grow up thinking what way our lives will look like and for many it takes a very different route. full of disappointment sometimes. And nobody truly understands "the gang" you are in unless they are in that same "gang" of people who struggle to conceive. You sound bursting with the need to love more children and be heard. I hear you. And no you are not failing your little boy by not" providing" a sibling. When he grows up he will not feel "failed".

My DS is a unique child, and is now 21, and at university. I miscarried what would have been his sib, when I was 46. There would have been a 2 year gap between them. And, after 19 years, am I unhappy: no. And nor is he. Because we have only one child, we have lavished everything we have into one child, and he has never been held back. He went to nursery at 3 and stayed with the same but enlarged group until he was 13, and then embarked upon a mix of schools that have shown him (1) that some people are wealthier than us and (2) that a lot of people struggle harder to get by in life. He's pretty well-balanced, seems to make friends easily and is popular; knows how to earn very good pocket money (as a chef). Looking at what I am allowed to see of his life, I think we did an okay job.

By way of consolation to the OP, not having the second and third child may not be the end of the world. Really, it may give you freedom to take some risks and find other fulfillments.

@MagnoliaBeige

You’re allowed to feel sad for struggling to have the family you’d dreamed of, being told “relax” and “be grateful you have one” is textbook crap people say to women with fertility issues

I have no advice not you’re not alone xxx

Agree with this, secondary infertility is really really hard.

I do think the wanting a sibling thing is complex, obviously the dream brother is not necessarily the reality of what he would get, we have a fairly large age gap due to secondary infertility (Clomid for the second) and although there are moments when they get on, sometimes my eldest says she would prefer to be an only child. They’re chalk and cheese and the younger one really knows which buttons to press. I have other friends who’s siblings do not relate to each other at all or fight like cat and dog.

I do think lockdowns and social distancing has been particularly hard on only children and I’m sure he will feel less lonely when he can see his friends indoors again.

But I just want to send sympathy, there’s nothing anyone can say to make it better, but I’m sure you are a wonderful mother and you need to try to see yourself as the superhero he sees you as (thanks to Meghan for that one), and whatever you decide to do from here, I wish you peace and happiness.

I have a friend who has one and has struggled now for 4 years to have a second

She is so sad and feels like she’s getting what she deserves as she had an abortion once when she wouldn’t have coped with a baby.

She feels she can’t complain as she already has one and should feel happy about that

She shouldn’t mask her genuine feelings as it’s not up to anyone else to say how she should be feeling

The same goes for you

Does your son have close friends who can come to stay? Young relatives who will come over to play?

What are your future plans OP? Do you have another round of IVF on the cards?

Also it's not all about my DC wanting a sibling. I want to experience pregnancy again. Breastfeeding. The new baby experience. Instead I have boxes and boxes of clothes, the pram, cot, baby stuff in the loft waiting to be reused.

Whilst I very much understand you feeling sad, I think in time you will come to accept your situation and be grateful for the child that you do have.

@marmitepasta

Whilst I very much understand you feeling sad, I think in time you will come to accept your situation and be grateful for the child that you do have.

Oh bloody hell marmite, I strongly suspect OP is already very, very grateful for the child she has - there's no 'in time' about it.

@Elletine

I just want to tell you *@greendress789* my heart breaks for you, if I knew you in real life I’d be straight round with chocolate and wine to listen to how you feel.

Please ignore the bullshit brigade. The most hugely insensitive and cruel bollocks I’ve ever seen on here has been on this thread. Your feelings are valid, your pain is real, and you deserve to be heard, not made to feel guilty or like you’re not relaxed enough!! FGS

Big big big hugs - I have no answers or thoughts but I send you so much love

Chocolate and wine would be gratefully received! However you feel guilty drinking alcohol when TTC in case it affects your fertility and I'm overweight from all the hormones and steroids I've pumped into my body 😩

I'm an only child who used to cry out for a sibling sometimes when I was young. But 1) I didn't understand that I can't have a sibling RIGHT THEN AND THERE, I just selfishly wanted a play mate, and 2) I grew up just fine. My parents made a conscious choice to have one child because we were poor and they focused all their resources on me. It meant we could afford holidays, private tutors etc when we couldn't have had that if they had another child. I think you'd be better off accepting you have an only child and start living life again. I'm sorry, you sound genuinely distressed and I get that, but maybe you're still in denial and that's not a good place to be.