Mil claiming to be a orphan at 54.

[Thedarksideofthemoon30]

Sorry, I’m really annoyed and upset.

I’m 30 and my mum died when I was 19. My dad had a life changing stroke when I was 16, which caused him to lose his voice, leg, arm and gave him slight brain damage. He lives in assisted living now.

My husbands grandad died before Xmas, I completely understand it’s her dad and she would be devastated but she’s been wishing him dead for years.

Aibu to think that 1, you are lucky to have many years with your parents and 2, you aren’t a fucking orphan.

Argh.

OP I know exactly how you feel.
I suppose she was technically correct but I think it was incredibly insensitive of her to say it to you.
I disagree with all these people saying the age doesn't matter. There's a massive difference between being in your twenties to in your fifties when your parents die, for example.
I lost my mum before my wedding and my dad a few years later, so I'm an 'orphan' at 40. I'm painfully aware that all my friends still have both parents, and quite prepared to admit I'm jealous! And terribly sad that my mum never met my children.

You don't get to decide how she feels. I know someone that was hit really hard losing their mother that they didn't really get on with, she described it in a similar way despite being 60 herself.
You can also grieve the relative / relationship you wanted rather than the one you had, if that makes sense.
Having no living parents does make people feel differently in my experience, and their age isn't relevant. You don't get to your fifties and disown them because you don't need them any more.

I would reckon she wants attention from you DH and she thinks she can draw his empathy if she uses terminology that he uses to describe the woman he loves the most- you.

I see what you are saying and why your MIL might be irritating but your loss isn't more important than her loss and you don't have the right to deny anyone their sense of grief. It is not a competition.

I’m not a horrible person.

You are someone who has started a thread about someone else grieving wrong.

@newnortherner111

Being upset, unhappy, bereft, any other sadness when you lose your last parent is normal, indeed if you don't miss them in any way it is sad that your relationship with them ended that way.

An orphan is a child without parents, not an adult. YANBU OP to be annoyed.

But the OP is also an adult and her father is still alive, yet she says she "feels like an orphan". Which is her prerogative, she feels how she feels and that is nobody else's business. I didn't feel like I had no mother until she had actually died despite having "lost" her, or at least a real relationship with her, to Alzheimer's a good number of years earlier. But that doesn't make me right and the OP wrong - just different. So shouldn't tbe OP's MIL be afforded the same courtesy? Nobody can truly know how they would feel in someone else's circumstances as we are all influenced by our own experiences of loss and everyone grieves differently.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

ancientgran I still think it’s a ridiculous comment sorry I do. To lose a parent as a child, maybe more so a mother isn’t just about the loss (which will be hard at all ages) but the profound impact on all the Years to come, so many missed moments, fucks you up for life in many ways.

Thank you for correcting how I feel. I will try to change my feelings just for you. I didn't realise I wasn't allowed to feel what I feel. I realise my mistake and will check in regularly to make sure I'm allowed to feel what I feel.

Ok now?

Losing a parent at a life stage when you actually need to be parented is not comparable to losing a parent in late middle age.

I agree that it's a very different experience, @canary1. It doesn't mean that a middle-aged adult won't grieve profoundly, but they don't "need" their parent in the same way that a child or very young adult (as the OP was) does.

YABU. A few years ago when my grandad died my dad commented that he is an orphan now. He was about 66 at the time. I didn't belittle his grief to point out that as he is an adult (with grandchildren let alone children) he can't be an orphan.

She isn’t an orphan because an orphan is a child. All adults lose both parents eventually if they’re fortunate enough to live to at least middle age anyway.

Grief isn’t a competition OP, you’re a peach aren’t you

Well that's ok then

It’s not a competition but I understand why you feel like you do. Some people are lucky to have their parents around for a long time and some sadly aren’t. The same as grandparents. I never met my grandads and I only knew one grandma till I was 25. I was lucky in that respect I guess.

My brother died recently. Does that make me an "only child" at age 41? No of course it fucking doesn't. Your MILs attitude would irk me, but I realise that is my issue to deal with.

My father died young , I was an only child, and when my mother died I also felt orphaned as an adult. I realised all my childhood memories of holidays and Christmases were just mine alone with no-one to reminisce with.

I believe you that you aren't a horrible person. Death brings back awful memories and I imagine it will be the same for your mil.
I hope that this doesn't affect your relationship with her. Take care of yourself as I am sure that the reason you feel how you do is because of your own grief x

Bereavement isn't a competition

My best friend and I have both lost both of our parents (Me: DF suicide when I was 15, DM dementia etc at 34 [3.5 months ago])(BF: DF cancer when she was 29, mother brain aneurysm about 4 months later). We jokingly refer to ourselves and each other as orphans between ourselves but I certainly wouldn’t to anyone else (apart from maybe my DP?)

Having said all that I would probably turn a blind eye to an adult calling themselves that, at least for a while.

It is a bit of a strange thing to say, but perhaps her father was the last person to know her as a child. That connection to childhood is very important and I know people grieve for that. Grief comes in many forms.

I really feel for you. Your MIL sounds really insensitive and I think yanbu to be upset about her tactlessness.

By the way, you 'only' have to lose one parent for UNICEF to class you as an orphan. And in the Irish side of my family, any child whose mum has died is classed as an orphan. Losing a parent when you are young, is really difficult and something you have to keep reprocessing as you age.

There is a book called Motherless Daughters which I found very helpful and understanding. Also cruse counselling.

Good luck op.

I think you’re making a lot of fuss about nothing, technically she is now an orphan and you hear a lot of adults say it. She may not of liked her dad but it doesn’t change the facts. Let it go it’s really not doing any harm.

@SuperCaliFragalistic

My brother died recently. Does that make me an "only child" at age 41? No of course it fucking doesn't. Your MILs attitude would irk me, but I realise that is my issue to deal with.

I am sorry for your loss. I don't understand your comment though - I lost my sibling as a child, the loss could not turn me into an only child when I had not started as one - though I did spend a long period as the only child in the house. Losing someone doesn't erase them, only child and orphan are not comparable terms.

WTF. What’s your problem OP?

My mum is in her late 80s and has severe dementia. She doesn't have long left to live and already I'm dreading all the 'she had a good innings' and 'it's a blessing' comments. I want to be allowed to grieve for my lovely mum, not be told I should just move on, because these things happen. Of course it isn't the same as losing a parent as a child, but I'll be reacting to my own experience, not somebody else's.

@BrightYellowDaffodil

Well, technically she is as she doesn't have any parents left. It might seem a little odd as she's an adult but she's grieving FFS. Let her deal with it as she wants.

I'm sorry things were so tough for you at a young age, but I hope to Christ you haven't actually told her that she should be grateful for having had so many years with her father (with the implied reminder that you didn't). It's not the Misery Olympics or a competition as to who has more 'right' to be sad.

Completely agree.