Mil claiming to be a orphan at 54.

[Thedarksideofthemoon30]

Sorry, I’m really annoyed and upset.

I’m 30 and my mum died when I was 19. My dad had a life changing stroke when I was 16, which caused him to lose his voice, leg, arm and gave him slight brain damage. He lives in assisted living now.

My husbands grandad died before Xmas, I completely understand it’s her dad and she would be devastated but she’s been wishing him dead for years.

Aibu to think that 1, you are lucky to have many years with your parents and 2, you aren’t a fucking orphan.

Argh.

I mean, neither of you are orphans technically

@DeepThinkingGirl

I would reckon she wants attention from you DH and she thinks she can draw his empathy if she uses terminology that he uses to describe the woman he loves the most- you.

OP isn’t an orphan either, her dad is alive

@Downton57

My mum is in her late 80s and has severe dementia. She doesn't have long left to live and already I'm dreading all the 'she had a good innings' and 'it's a blessing' comments. I want to be allowed to grieve for my lovely mum, not be told I should just move on, because these things happen. Of course it isn't the same as losing a parent as a child, but I'll be reacting to my own experience, not somebody else's.

OP has a dad in a similar position to your mum and is calling herself an orphan. So I think she’s the last person to judge really. Everybody is different

@VegCheeseandCrackers

Bereavement isn't a competition

If bereavement isn't a competition why would a 54 year old woman who has seen her dad into old age seek to "trump" OP by claiming to be something she isn't (an orphan)? MIL was making it a competition in a deeply selfish way given that OP came considerably closer to being a literal orphan.

I understand how you feel OP having been in a similar situation myself, but you can’t ever really say it. Just one to suck up I’m afraid - or sometimes I’ll off load on my sibling who obviously understands

Despite her being older she has still lost her dad which is understandably sad but no she’s not an orphan is she? She’s a fully grown
assuming fully independent woman!

I do get your point. I know someone who’s dad died when she was around late 40’s-50. She was undoubtedly upset but she was saying things like ‘I’m too young to lose a parent’ ‘this is unfair’ etc etc. I get that she’s upset but many parents have lost their parents at such a young age when they’ve not yet fully matured and still reliant on their parents. It seemed a bit of a weird thing to say she was ‘too young’ to lose a parent.

I once knew a woman who claimed to be a an orphan at 40. She also claimed lots of other things to get sympathy, but this was a recurring one. I'm pretty sure she did it for attention, and as someone whose parents also died when I was in my twenties/thirties, I also found it ridiculous. By the same criteria, everyone whose parents pre-deceases, as is the norm, will be orphans.

I think theres a certain type of adult who doesn't want to be a grown up but would really rather like other people to run around after them in loco parentis who refers to themselves as an orphan.

Oh, and I had to block the friend who was in her forties and still wittering on about being an orphan years after her parents died separately. She literally had strangers she only knew on the internet sending her money and finding her jobs. It was very, very strange.

Sounds like the kind of crap my sister comes out with.

If bereavement isn't a competition why would a 54 year old woman who has seen her dad into old age seek to "trump" OP by claiming to be something she isn't (an orphan)? MIL was making it a competition in a deeply selfish way given that OP came considerably closer to being a literal orphan.

But why do you think she was saying it "trump" anyone? Why would it be about the OP at all?

I lost both my parents last year. Although I'm not classed as an orphan (I'm in my 50's), I sure as hell feel like it some days. The 2 people who cared, supported and counselled me for over 50 years are gone. I will never see or speak to either one of them again and some days it hurts like hell. Anybody who says I should not be feeling how I am can get to fuck. My grief is mine to process the best way I know how, and if that means I sometimes think of myself as an orphan then so what? Nobody has any right to question it or belittle it, let alone judge it.

@AryaStarkWolf

If bereavement isn't a competition why would a 54 year old woman who has seen her dad into old age seek to "trump" OP by claiming to be something she isn't (an orphan)? MIL was making it a competition in a deeply selfish way given that OP came considerably closer to being a literal orphan.

But why do you think she was saying it "trump" anyone? Why would it be about the OP at all?

Presumably the OP to know about it then MIL must be talking about it to OP, though I suppose it could be via OPs husband. Either way MIL can expect OP to know what she's saying.

MIL must know OPs circumstances, and she must know that OP knows she hated her dad. Alternative explanation, MIL is totally self-centred and knows nothing about OP.

Either way claiming to be something you're not to increase sympathy is pretty bad form. To do it to someone who has more of a claim over that thing makes it much worse.

Imagine you had a serious car crash that left you with a limp. You could still walk fairly long distances, but anyone could see you're leg's not 100% right. Claiming that you're disabled looks like bad form from where I'm sat. To claim you're disabled to someone who'd been in a much worse crash and could only walk short distances... really bad form.

MIL is probably unaware that she doesn't know the definition of an orphan, and she's probably grieving. Which is why I think that OP is fully justified in bitching about the selfish old person on here. If we had evidence that MIL didn't really care about the dad's death and does know that she's not an orphan then OP would be well within her rights to be absolutely fuming IMHO.

I sympathise with you @Thedarksideofthemoon30. It sounds like life dealt you a tough blow, I cannot fathom how hard losing your mum at such a young age would have been. Grief is always hard and I do agree that it shouldn't be a competition in an ideal world yet it is often acknowledged that losing a child is the worst kind of loss but yet there are people on this thread who think losing a parent at 19 isn't worse than losing one in your 50s. Really? Both are hard of course but losing a parent in your 50s is to be expected. Losing a parent at 19 i imagine was unexpected and lonely with very few peers able to relate.

I lost a parent in their 50s, I was an adult but it was a massive shock and even now 10 years on, I only have one close friend who has lost a parent. On top of the feelings of grief I have, I also feel cheated that my parent should have had years of their life ahead.. they never met my children or attended my wedding. When my other parent dies I will of course be very sad but I won't feel the same depth of being cheated....why did all my friends have their parents at their wedding but I didn't etc etc, my parent has missed so much of my life. I think people are being really harsh on you OP, I was late 20s when I lost my parent and whilst it impacted me I had my own life etc. To lose a parent at 19 must have been awful and whilst grief is not a competition, I think people are unsympathetic to not understand why you may feel that way towards your MIL when she was 35 years older than you

My hunch is that there’s a hurtful back story to the OP’s reaction, for example, perhaps her MIL has minimized or been dismissive of the OP’s grief at losing her own Mum at 19 when she also had a newborn baby ( or wasn’t supportive at the time).
It can definitely happen in families. My PIL avoided me after my Mum died- no visits, phone calls, card or even a text acknowledging her passing. They just pretended it hadn’t happened.

My BIL (by marriage) recently lost his Dad and they’re doing the same to him! Some people are just hopeless in these situations and it can cause a lot of long term hurt.

I suspect there’s something similar behind this.

Grief isn't a mathematical calculation, i.e. the younger you are the worse it is. It really doesn't work like that and no one has a right to tell other people how they should feel when someone dies.

@ancientgran Of course no one has the right to tell someone how they feel but I think its disingenuous to think losing a parent at 54 impacts you or changes your life the same way it does at 19 when you're starting out as an adult and more likely to needs your parents. Obviously its not linear or a straight forward mathematical calculation but what I do know is when I lost my parent in my late 20s I wasn't expecting my friend who lost her mum at 16 to be wiping my tears because I understood despite how hard my loss was, and it was and still is hard, it pales into insignificance next to hers.

@trappedsincesundaymorn

I lost both my parents last year. Although I'm not classed as an orphan (I'm in my 50's), I sure as hell feel like it some days. The 2 people who cared, supported and counselled me for over 50 years are gone. I will never see or speak to either one of them again and some days it hurts like hell. Anybody who says I should not be feeling how I am can get to fuck. My grief is mine to process the best way I know how, and if that means I sometimes think of myself as an orphan then so what? Nobody has any right to question it or belittle it, let alone judge it.

I don't think anyone would judge you for how you feel or how you process. And no-one is going to care if you think of yourself as an orphan.

The problem would be if you went around claiming you were an orphan, when you're not, especially if you were claiming it to someone much younger than you who had a MUCH greater claim to feelings of being orphaned, given they had no parent capable of supporting them emotionally or financially by the time they hit 20 (ie when they were barely an adult as opposed to well into middle age).

I wish you all the best healing.

[quote Happyfeet1972]@ancientgran Of course no one has the right to tell someone how they feel but I think its disingenuous to think losing a parent at 54 impacts you or changes your life the same way it does at 19 when you're starting out as an adult and more likely to needs your parents. Obviously its not linear or a straight forward mathematical calculation but what I do know is when I lost my parent in my late 20s I wasn't expecting my friend who lost her mum at 16 to be wiping my tears because I understood despite how hard my loss was, and it was and still is hard, it pales into insignificance next to hers.[/quote]
I could not agree with you more.

[quote Happyfeet1972]@ancientgran Of course no one has the right to tell someone how they feel but I think its disingenuous to think losing a parent at 54 impacts you or changes your life the same way it does at 19 when you're starting out as an adult and more likely to needs your parents. Obviously its not linear or a straight forward mathematical calculation but what I do know is when I lost my parent in my late 20s I wasn't expecting my friend who lost her mum at 16 to be wiping my tears because I understood despite how hard my loss was, and it was and still is hard, it pales into insignificance next to hers.[/quote]
That's really strange. Your loss only "pales into insignificance" if you are comparing it to someone else's loss. Her loss would then "pale into insignificance" compared to someone else's too. Where does that get anyone??
Your friend could and should have "dried your tears" when appropriate as you grieved, why on earth does one loss mean you can't offer sympathy and support to a friend when it is her turn?

[quote Happyfeet1972]@ancientgran Of course no one has the right to tell someone how they feel but I think its disingenuous to think losing a parent at 54 impacts you or changes your life the same way it does at 19 when you're starting out as an adult and more likely to needs your parents. Obviously its not linear or a straight forward mathematical calculation but what I do know is when I lost my parent in my late 20s I wasn't expecting my friend who lost her mum at 16 to be wiping my tears because I understood despite how hard my loss was, and it was and still is hard, it pales into insignificance next to hers.[/quote]
I lost my father when I was 13, my husband lost his father when he was a baby, neither of us would be in the slightest bit upset by a grieving person grieving. I wouldn't for a moment be thinking, "But I lost a parent before you." I think never knowing his father must have had an impact on my husband but he certainly doesn't feel it did. He just says he didn't know him and you don't miss what you don't know.

I think a child losing both parents is different as the child has no security but my husband and I both felt safe and secure in our homes so I don't see it as more tragic because we were young. I was definitely more affected by my mother's death when I was late 40s.

I do think it was tragic that my father missed so much.

I would expect your friend to be wiping your tears as she would know how hard it is to lose a parent.

I worked with someone whose father died before she was born. Presumably my husband losing his father when he was a few months old pales into insignificance next to her.

My dad died young, but my mom lived to be a ripe old age. This didn’t make the pain any less, in fact it seemed worse when my mom died than my dad. Maybe it was because I’d lost both parents. People asked how old she was & I’d tell them, they’d just say “Oh well ...”. Like it was OK, it fucking well was not!

Are parents dying a competition now then? It doesn't matter what age you are it's fucking devastating

No, i don't think its a competition. Of course its devastating at any age. But I dont think its inappropriate to be sensitive to people's different circumstances either and that some people can only dream of losing a parent in their 50s. Of course it doesn't make it less sadder, I've never said that it does. I will be devastated when my parent now almost 70 dies. But I also don't think OP is being unreasonable to feel how she does when life threw her a shit hand in losing her mum at 19

@Mistressinthetulips I've perhaps not worded it in the best way but her losing her mum at 16 has severely impacted her life, it has damaged her in a way, my loss at 28 didn't. Losing her mum has changed the course of her life because she lost her mum at such a pivotal age and she struggled not just with grief but because unlike someone in their 50s none of her friends could relate. That's what I mean when I say my loss, which devastated me , pales into insignificance.