Defeated by my fatness - am I alone?

[BreathingDeep]

Today marks yet another day where I wake up, full of good intentions that today will be the day I change things and take steps to make my life better, and yet by lunchtime, it's all turned to rat shit and I'm back to feeling defeated by my eternal chub.

I currently weigh around 5 stones more than I should. I know this is horrendous. I am unhealthy, unfit and unhappy. I avoid mirrors at home and reflections while I'm out. I turn down invitations. I have a wardrobe bursting with clothes that don't fit and I loathe myself for staying this way.

My weight weighs me down ALL the time - from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to sleep. Yet, despite this as a driver, I seem unable to tackle it once and for all which makes me feel even more ashamed.

Away from my weight, life is good. I'm capable, energetic, positive and decisive. I'm incredibly ambitious. I have a wonderful family and great friends but I'm aware I use 'being busy' as an excuse not to do a lot of things, losing weight being one of them.

I've gone deep and challenged myself on how I feel right now, how I want to feel, what my goal is, visualised how it would feel to be at that goal, examined what steps I need to take to make it happen, and still... it's always something I put off until tomorrow.

How can I be so capable in life and yet feel so lost when it comes to the food and drink I put in my mouth? This isn't a call for sympathy or derision, I just wondered if I'm alone in this?

My advice: try fasting and give up bread, rice, pasta and potatoes.

Ps you sound utterly fabulous

An alternative approach is to forget about what you're eating but focus on when you're eating it. I experience the same trigger points at the same time, every day. So it's not so much about changing what I eat, but the rhythm of the day.

My self-control wanes during the day, so I'm saintly until about 4pm then I find it increasingly hard to avoid the late afternoon Jaffa cake, wolfing down a packet of Wotsits while I'm chopping up the vegetables for supper or scarfing a bowl of Apricot Wheats before I go to bed.

If I want to lose weight, I have to change my evening routines e.g. make supper on time, keep busy then go to bed early, so that I'm spending the late evening watching TV or reading in bed, well away from the fridge. Cleaning your teeth shortly after supper helps too!

You do need to have a conversation with your DH so he doesn't unwittingly sabotage you efforts.

I'm lucky that DH is also trying to lose weight so we are doing it together.

First of all I would get rid of all those clothes that don’t fit and are making you feel bad. Buy some new ones in your size that make you feel good as you are. Then decide to do a form of exercise that you enjoy and that makes you feel good. Then break your weight loss journey into small chunks and decide that you are going to celebrate each time you meet a mini goal. Start treating yourself like you are worth celebrating NOW rather than thinking you will be worth something in the future when you get to X weight. You are strong and attractive now. Your weight loss is about getting healthier, not about adding to your worth as a human being. If you trip up, don’t beat yourself up, it is not a sign you have failed. It’s a sign you are trying. Get back on the horse straight away. Finally, never go hungry. Choose a weight loss plan that allows you to feel satisfied as you are way more likely to be able to stick to it.

Hello OP. I was exactly where you are in August with 5 stone to lose and you have my complete and utter sympathy. I've been trying to lose weight for years with diet after diet all costing a fortune and/ or taking up a lot of time then simply putting it all back on again time after time and usually more.

In August, I decided that this time I wasn't going to try dieting. I wasn't even going to cut anything out. i was just going to try to eat less - slightly smaller portions, two or three chocolates instead of half a dozen, one slice of toast instead of two etc. etc. To my joy, it seems to be working.

I don't care how slowly I lose the weight and sometimes I put it back on again but the general trend is downwards. Sometimes I see saw around the same weight for a week or two. In the past I felt like a failure if I put a little bit on whilst dieting but this time I just think well that's life.

I have shit days when I just binge and eat anything and everything in sight usually around my period. I have days when something was so lovely I have a second portion... but over all I'm going downwards.

I've lost 3 1/2 stone now and its not really felt any effort because in essence I've given nothing up, I've not got sad and stressed when I didn't lose anything and I'm not calorie counting or consciously dieting. I just cook a bit less, eat a bit less and accept bad days happen. It definitely want' me who ate a whole pack of jaffa cakes, 3 packs of crisps and a huge portion of macaroni cheese for lunch last week

I also got a fitbit and try to do 10000 steps every day. Lots of days I don't manage it but its a target. Some days I'm proud if I manage a 10 minute walk

I don't care how slowly I lose weight. I don't care when I hit my target. In one way the longer it takes the better because I'm hoping my new habits will be ingrained and I will just be able to carry on having good days, bad days but over all improved.

Sorry this is long and I've no idea if it helps. Its just working for me so far.

It really isn't too trivial to go for counselling. It only seems trivial to you because you're used to it. I put on 5 stone with my pregnancy and the effect of carrying so much extra weight around was horrendous. That's not to say that counselling is the answer though - I think there's a great variety in the quality of the councillors that are out there.

I think that part of the problem is that the kinds of foods that make us fat have a drug like effect on the brain. And drugs can be v hard to give up.

Another thing I believe is that you must put yourself first. You must allow yourself to say no to others, not to worry about spoiling their routines or their fun. So often I'd find myself eating/drinking something because it was easier than explaining or arguing. "Go on, one piece of cake won't hurt." "I can't eat on my own." Diet saboteurs are everywhere!

I lost 10 stone 3 years ago. I swore I wouldn't get big again, but alas, I have. I have PCOS, EUPD and a sweet tooth. I am severely obese and need to lose 10 stone again.
11 days ago, I started Intermittent Fasting with the body fast app. I do the 16:8 fasting. You fast for 16 hours and eat for 8 hours. My eating window is between 12pm and 8pm. During the fasting window, you only consume water or unsweetened black tea or coffee if you want to.
In 11 days, I have lost 9lbs. I am walking 10,000 steps a day (puffing, sweating and panting) and just eating low carb. I am now drinking at least 3 litres of water a day. I have so much more energy aswell. It isn't a diet. You are just eating reasonably during your 8 hours.
Give it a try OP. I am finding this so much better than the usual "diet" programs.
Xx

listsandbudgets I think your approach is a brilliant one, and I'm going to adopt it.

@listsandbudgets that is how I have wanted to lose weight. I think I will try this method too. Do you weigh yourself regularly?

Hi @BreathingDeep,

I'm in the same position (about 5 stone to lose) and keep stopping and starting diets. I've been doing ok for the last fortnight and I think a few things have helped:

1. Don't keep any high calorie snack foods (cake, crisps, choc etc) in the house or if you have to for other family members then have someone else hide them and/or lock them away. If you have kids they can eat fruit instead.

1. Work out what you're going to eat the night before each day and then stick to it or better still have a similar calorie controlled breakfast and lunch each day followed by a smallish portion of dinner.

So I have porridge for every breakfast, vegetable soup and a sandwich thin with 1 piece of protein (e.g. slice of cheese, slice of quorn/chicken/ham) for lunch and then a small portion of dinner with lots of veg, followed by cooked apple/blackberries for dessert.

1. Drink lots of water and don't try to restrict your eating too much- you want to have lots of volume of fruit and vegetables rather than barely eating.

@LisaLops

I lost 10 stone 3 years ago. I swore I wouldn't get big again, but alas, I have. I have PCOS, EUPD and a sweet tooth. I am severely obese and need to lose 10 stone again. 11 days ago, I started Intermittent Fasting with the body fast app. I do the 16:8 fasting. You fast for 16 hours and eat for 8 hours. My eating window is between 12pm and 8pm. During the fasting window, you only consume water or unsweetened black tea or coffee if you want to. In 11 days, I have lost 9lbs. I am walking 10,000 steps a day (puffing, sweating and panting) and just eating low carb. I am now drinking at least 3 litres of water a day. I have so much more energy aswell. It isn't a diet. You are just eating reasonably during your 8 hours. Give it a try OP. I am finding this so much better than the usual "diet" programs. Xx

I'm going to try this from tomorrow.

@bambootle
Yes, thank you, I do think I'm an ideal faster. I just don't feel hungry much and breakfast has to be forced.

@LisaLops

I lost 10 stone 3 years ago. I swore I wouldn't get big again, but alas, I have. I have PCOS, EUPD and a sweet tooth. I am severely obese and need to lose 10 stone again. 11 days ago, I started Intermittent Fasting with the body fast app. I do the 16:8 fasting. You fast for 16 hours and eat for 8 hours. My eating window is between 12pm and 8pm. During the fasting window, you only consume water or unsweetened black tea or coffee if you want to. In 11 days, I have lost 9lbs. I am walking 10,000 steps a day (puffing, sweating and panting) and just eating low carb. I am now drinking at least 3 litres of water a day. I have so much more energy aswell. It isn't a diet. You are just eating reasonably during your 8 hours. Give it a try OP. I am finding this so much better than the usual "diet" programs. Xx

It might be a diet to some extent Lisa, as you're eating low carb and limiting when you eat. Some people with binge-eating issues might find this kind of restriction quite difficult to stick to (I would) but if it works for you then that's great.

@meadowlines I weigh myself two or three times a week.

DP kindly brought me some scales that connect to my phone via blue tooth and records everything in an app. Its really satisfying seeing it go down but its also helped me see where I gain every few weeks around my period.

Op I feel your pain. I'm 3st overweight and I'm constantly feeling like I'm defeated by my fatness.

I have no clothes that fit, but I don't want to buy any in my size as I refuse to be this big, but I'm stuck in a cycle of sleep deprivation (another story) working and looking after a toddler which a husband that does nights.

I start the day off with good intentions but by mid afternoon it goes south. I also "reward" myself with food, but with bad food.

I know where I am going to wrong but seem incapable or stopping.

I hope you find something that helps x

I've been 3 stone overweight for the last 30 years OP . I've lost and gained the same half stone maybe 50 times. 2 months ago on the 20th February I downloaded the Noom app on a whim. I don't know if it's the way it's structured but I've just done as I'm told and I've lost 21lbs. Haven't really exercised much, just stuck to my calorie limit. Eat ordinary foods just so much smaller portions. The app says I'll have lost 3 stone by mid July and I believe I will. I have no idea why this time is different but it just feels like it is. If I can do it you can too. So much of what you said chimes with me. It cost me about £100 but I think it might just change my life.

Sugar is a painkiller. Self hatred is a wound. I don't just mean metaphorically, I mean physiologically. If you keep hurting yourself with your hate you will keep needing more painkillers. It's like cutting yourself and wondering why you can't quit your mystifying dependency on plasters. You cannot hate yourself thin.

Try being kind to yourself in other ways. Thank your body for keeping you in this wonderful life and treat it as you would a beloved child. You deserve to be as happy and healthy as you can be.

Really good advice from @listsandbudgets. I wouldn't do anything drastic like fasting. I know it works but it's a massive change and you might struggle badly.

Make small changes to begin with like cut out fizzy drinks, or no crisps. You need small goals and be consistent. If you slip up, start again the next day. If you slip up again, try the following day as well. Keep trying. You can do it.

Hey, just to give some encouragement. I had a baby 8 1/2 months ago (in August 2020.. After birth I was really, really fat (85 kilos). I also had a horrible birth, forceps delivery and 2.1 litre blood loss, which was very traumatic for me.

After Christmas 2020 I went on a high fat, low carb diet. I started, eating lots of oily fish, nuts, seeds, chicken, vegetables, fruits and started cutting out carbs.

I cut out all sugar/junk food, but did have some cheat days.

I also restricted my calories to 1200-1500 a day.

I didn't do loads of exercise, just took my baby to the park. I also have started doing youtube pilates/yoga in the last 4 weeks.

4 months later I now weigh 70 kilos.

I lost 15 kilo/2.3 stones in 4 months.

I'm now half a Kilo away from my goal weight.

If I can do it, you can do it as well! x

@Marylou2

I've been 3 stone overweight for the last 30 years OP . I've lost and gained the same half stone maybe 50 times. 2 months ago on the 20th February I downloaded the Noom app on a whim. I don't know if it's the way it's structured but I've just done as I'm told and I've lost 21lbs. Haven't really exercised much, just stuck to my calorie limit. Eat ordinary foods just so much smaller portions. The app says I'll have lost 3 stone by mid July and I believe I will. I have no idea why this time is different but it just feels like it is. If I can do it you can too. So much of what you said chimes with me. It cost me about £100 but I think it might just change my life.

That’s really encouraging. How great for you!

Oh, forgot to add: I use the app Nutracheck and log everything I eat in a day. It gives me the exact calory breakdown.

@HalfShrunkMoreToGo

Please try to do this, you can, I am and if I can anyone can.

Break it down into lots of little pieces rather than a big goal of 5 stone. And find out what motivates you, for me I love a good spreadsheet and being able to see my progress.

I use MyFitnessPal to track my food, even the high calorie junk food that sneaks in here and there. If i have a day where I go over then I start again the next day.

This is what weight loss has looked like for me.

Any chance you will be able to share that spreadheet with us, through Google docs or something? That looks amazing. No worries if not.

It is just so so hard to lose weight, everything in your OP I could have written. It is all I thought about day in day out and the shitter I feel about it, the worse I eat and drink. I am also constantly putting myself on some sort of deadline of losing such and such an amount of weight by such and such a time and getting in a complete and utter panic when the time is running out and I haven't met that deadline. My expecations were constantly too high of I must lose 10-14lbs a month and everyone around me seems to be able to lose weight really quickly.

This time round I decided I wasn't going to try and lose weight for a particular deadline as I just feel under pressure, but I was going to just lose weight as and when and for me. To date I have lost just over 2 stone by only cutting out 1 thing and that was alcohol. I stick to a calorie limit across the week but I haven't restricted it too much and it means I can have chocolates, sweets, crisps and icecreams if I want as long as I stick to my calories. I realise it is not good advice to tell people to eat crap all day but some days I just do that....I log everything in MFP and some days a third of my calories is snacks of rubbish, but I don't beat myself up by that, I just think so what, it is within my calorie allowance and over time I can work on controlling the quality of my calories. Some days I do have purely healthy days of salads and vegetables but not every day.

The not stressing about that has made it much easier to get it going for the longer term....we can all eat very healthily and stick to a low calorie consumption for a month and lose a stone, but keeping it going much past that is when I would give up and give in because I would feel deprived. This way I am eating everything but just not touching alcohol and I don't feel deprived.

I am losing about 5-6lbs a month and that's absolutely fine with me!

This last month I have only lost 3-4lbs and in the past I would have thought of that as some sort of failure and a disaster and would have claimed I was not losing weight or was plateauing, but this time I have realise that yes of course I am losing weight, slowly and hopefully sustainably!

I also try and fast about 16-18 hours a day which helps keep to that reduced calorie allowance, oh and I am exercising every day.