Page 7 | Defeated by my fatness - am I alone?

10storeylovesong · 21/04/2021 22:54

I could have written your post wordfor word. I am smart, competitive, ambitious, energetic, goal orientated. I have a highly stressful professional job which I am so good at. I have two children and feel I am a good mother. I have people telling me all the time how they don't know how I fit in what I do in a day. I walk around 15000 steps a day.

But I am 5 stone overweight and have the most horrendous relationship with food. I have a hip condition which started it, and now have arthritis in my knee and sore ankles. I wake up every night with pain from the carpal tunnel caused by being overweight. I hate myself. It still isn't enough to stop me from eating.

mermaidsariel · 21/04/2021 23:51

@SecretSpAD

I totally agree that it all starts in your head. The times when I have have lost weight easily have all been usually at the end of a great holiday, or when we have moved house and I am feeling positive, or something else is going on which makes me feel good. I have never done it when I was feeling low, stressed or powerless. I have tried many times writing down reasons why I need to do it, setting targets, visualising wonderful holidays etc. It never works. I find for me personally, pressure and expectation makes me give up because I feel stressed by it

That's how I feel. Years ago I was working on a project with women who were overweight to explore their feelings (not as wanky as I'm making it sound because I'm being vague as outing). Their views were exactly the same as this. It is so important to get to the right place mentally as emotions and food are interlinked for a lot of people.

I'm not a food addict. Many women aren't food addicts. We are just exhausted by life and can't cope with the extra mental load of thinking about diets, weighing food, cooking different food to fussy kids (not a problem I have to be fair), thinking about having to buy the ingredients for the meals in the depressing meal plans.

I don't know about everyone else, but I look at a meal plan for a diet and see no coffee, no alcohol, and think fuck it. I'll stay fat because I can't cope with it all.

Then I drink wine and have to be up at the crack of dawn to give the first lot of medication to my dog, listen to my daughters fears about school and bullying (we're moving her at the end of the academic year), my husband calls and he is stressed because he's working closely with a bunch of cunts and desperate to retire but can't because of covid - then I have 16h ahead of me most days of dealing with patients as a GP and in my other role as a clinical lead for something covid related (can't say what as outing) which is mostly stress and firefighting.

And I realise I'm using this thread as therapy so sorry and I'll shit up now to you all.

💐Gosh I really feel for you. You sound worn out. I totally get it. Here’s to better times ahead.

mermaidsariel · 21/04/2021 23:52

Just realise that was an ice cream and not flowers! Some message for me there I feel...

DumpedByText · 21/04/2021 23:53

Sorry you feel like this, I'd suggest googling Dan Wheeler 80/20 plan, he, talks a lot of sense 😊

OvertiredandConfused · 21/04/2021 23:54

Another one joining the club. I have a fabulous, very senior role and I know I’m good at my job. I’m also about five stone overweight. I was slim and active five years ago but I have MS and my mobility has deteriorated. I now use a wheelchair most of the time out of the house. I’ve also had several periods where I have been on high dose steroids.

Last year I worked so hard and managed to lose 2 stone. Since October it has gradually crept up and I’ve put at least one stone back on again. I detest see myself in the mirror or seeing photographs of myself. I dread meeting up with friends or going into the office because I’m embarrassed about the image I am presenting. I’m 51 now and feel like a frumpy and invisible old woman

For me, the combination of the inability to exercise and the fact that it’s a real struggle for me to prepare my own meals means it’s just too difficult. I don’t know how to break out of the cycle

Charles11 · 22/04/2021 00:12

It’s because it’s an addiction. Fasting is the only thing that works for me. Like an alcoholic gives up alcohol, carb/sugar addict needs to give up carb/sugar and fasting or low carb diet will work but it had to be a permanent change otherwise a small amount just triggers a binge (bought the t shirt)

Marguerite2000 · 22/04/2021 01:19

@FirmlyRooted

Isn't it astounding how much time women spend worrying about weight?! I do the same and sometimes I tell myself to stop worrying about weight and focus on more important things on life...

Weight is very important.

QueenOfPain · 22/04/2021 01:39

I could have written this post last year, then I had weight loss surgery and thoughts of food, weight, lack of energy, diets, low self esteem etc no longer plague my life.

The weight loss just happens without much input from me, so long as I stick to the basic rules post surgery. High protein, drink my fluids, small portions chewed well, take my vitamins, etc.

I know it’s not for everyone but if it’s right for you it’s really very freeing. We have a very active thread on here with lots of Mumsnetters who have had or plan to have the surgery. You’d be most welcome.

I’ve lost 5 stone 9lbs since Jan this year.

Megan124 · 22/04/2021 02:27

@BreathingDeep

Today marks yet another day where I wake up, full of good intentions that today will be the day I change things and take steps to make my life better, and yet by lunchtime, it's all turned to rat shit and I'm back to feeling defeated by my eternal chub.

I currently weigh around 5 stones more than I should. I know this is horrendous. I am unhealthy, unfit and unhappy. I avoid mirrors at home and reflections while I'm out. I turn down invitations. I have a wardrobe bursting with clothes that don't fit and I loathe myself for staying this way.

My weight weighs me down ALL the time - from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to sleep. Yet, despite this as a driver, I seem unable to tackle it once and for all which makes me feel even more ashamed.

Away from my weight, life is good. I'm capable, energetic, positive and decisive. I'm incredibly ambitious. I have a wonderful family and great friends but I'm aware I use 'being busy' as an excuse not to do a lot of things, losing weight being one of them.

I've gone deep and challenged myself on how I feel right now, how I want to feel, what my goal is, visualised how it would feel to be at that goal, examined what steps I need to take to make it happen, and still... it's always something I put off until tomorrow.

How can I be so capable in life and yet feel so lost when it comes to the food and drink I put in my mouth? This isn't a call for sympathy or derision, I just wondered if I'm alone in this?

You could try intermittent fasting. This might help you loose a bit of weight and also help control how much you are eating. It doesn’t work for everyone but could be worth a try x

Jessica60 · 22/04/2021 02:37

@FluffyBlueJumper

I haven't rtft, sorry. I was like you, OP, and when I finally decided to do something about my weight, I lost over 7st. (16:8, keto and lots of strength training and Hiit).

Other posters have probably already given you very good advice re weight loss. I would just like to point out that losing weight has been good for my health, energy levels (and vanity...) but it has not solved any of the other problems in my life.

How long did this take?

avamiah · 22/04/2021 02:38

Megan124,
Are you stupid or fasting yourself ??

OnPlanetJanet · 22/04/2021 04:02

I could have written your first post word for word OP. Still could.

I've tried fasting, slimming world, Paul McKenna, WW, MFP etc. I've had success on all of them (except slimming world) losing a few stone but then gradually putting it back on again. I'm either on or off a diet, I have NEVER managed to maintain .

The one I will never do again is Cambridge. I did that years ago, the weight dropped off. It was vile though. I felt gross, I was always hungry, my breath stank, the products were horrible apart from the chocolate shake (the chewy bar things, what the hell were those even made of, rubber and verrucas?) and it was soooooo antisocial - I couldn't eat with my family, social occasions were a nightmare and worst of all, after all the misery, as soon as I came off it, the weight piled on at speed plus more. Every person I know who has done this diet had a few months of being loads slimmer until like a cartoon they just ballooned back up again. I can't advocate against it enough! Sorry I don't know if that is helpful but knowing how bloody hard it is to find the resolve to get started losing weight, I'd hate to see it being wasted on this.

Good luck to you OP, I do hope you find something that works for you. Everything crossed for you, I understand the misery being trapped in a prison of your own making.

Roussette · 22/04/2021 07:08

Can I ask... all those of you who say they walk 15,000 steps a day... just how?
I'm mid sixties and walk just about every day... I go for exactly an hour, and it's approximately 4 km and 6,000 steps. I would be out hours to achieve 15,000! Maybe I don't walk fast enough or something

bambootle · 22/04/2021 07:51

@roarfeckingroarr

I genuinely don't understand how - feeling as you do - you don't just not eat that extra food. I'm not being a dick, I just genuinely can't imagine doing something day in day out that made me feel so dreadful about myself.

It really isn't difficult to understand. Do you understand other addictions like alcoholism and smoking? Food is an addictive substance too - especially sugar.

I'm a recovering alcoholic. At least I can have a dry house. What's someone with a food addiction supposed to do? Imagine if someone on here posted on an alcoholism thread saying, "have you tried just having ONE shot of vodka? Or switching to something healthier like having an OJ in in?".

bambootle · 22/04/2021 07:55

@Roussette

Can I ask... all those of you who say they walk 15,000 steps a day... just how?

I'm mid sixties and walk just about every day... I go for exactly an hour, and it's approximately 4 km and 6,000 steps. I would be out hours to achieve 15,000! Maybe I don't walk fast enough or something

@Rousette Fitbits massively overestimate people's step count. I'd read this, but wanted to check for myself so I've got an old fashioned pedometer and have compared.

With the pedometer I'm clocking up 10 or 11,000 - that's with an hours dog walk and up and back to school plus general scurrying around.

You can adjust a Fitbit to make it more accurate, but a lot of folk don't know this is even an issue: community.fitbit.com/t5/Other-Charge-Trackers/Over-counting-steps/td-p/1565924

Roussette · 22/04/2021 08:01

Ahhhh OK... I just track my steps on my walk. I look at how far in km, how many steps, and the pace. I don't track anything just faffing about at home or in the garden. I do it on my phone on a walking app. That might explain it a bit!

And makes me feel a bit better, thanks @bambootle

Also, totally agree on your previous post too, in that people just don't understand. I have two very naturally slim, beautiful figure friends. T If you are naturally a size 8 or 10 and you eat and drink what you want whenever you want, I suppose you wouldn't... one of my friends eats more than me, she goes up and down a pound or two, that's it!

howmanydaystillxmas · 22/04/2021 08:19

OP I could have written your post about 3 years ago. I was approaching 40, zero energy and felt depressed and miserable. On the face of it I had everything, 2 healthy DC, great career etc.

I had grand plans of spending the year before my 40th sorting myself out. I had allowed my weight to drag me me down in my 30's. I got to
2 months before my 40th and looked at myself in the mirror. I asked myself whether I wanted my 40's to be the same as my 30's? I asked myself whether even if I lost half a stone before I turned 40 would I feel better than I did right now?

I got a PT and went for it. On my 40th birthday I was 25lbs lighter and 8 months later was in total 50lbs lighter. I've since managed to maintain the weight.

I can now recognise what my patterns of behaviour were. Self destruction because I didn't think I was worthy of losing weight. On reflection I also wonder whether I was fat because I was depressed or depressed because I was fat.

Good luck OP, look at this as a journey rather than a destination. Wherever it is it'll be better than how you felt yesterday.

bambootle · 22/04/2021 08:23

@Roussette

Ahhhh OK... I just track my steps on my walk. I look at how far in km, how many steps, and the pace. I don't track anything just faffing about at home or in the garden. I do it on my phone on a walking app. That might explain it a bit! And makes me feel a bit better, thanks *@bambootle*

Also, totally agree on your previous post too, in that people just don't understand. I have two very naturally slim, beautiful figure friends. T If you are naturally a size 8 or 10 and you eat and drink what you want whenever you want, I suppose you wouldn't... one of my friends eats more than me, she goes up and down a pound or two, that's it!

That explains it. I quite like my clunky pedometer for its lack of faff. Walking is great exercise and for all kinds of other reasons too. I find it v. relaxing and the closest I get to meditative.

You sound ideal to try out intermittent fasting by the way - from your previous post. If you're not waking up hungry it should be relatively easy to move to that if you were to try it. I don't do IF every day, but I'd say 3 or 4 days a week I "put off breakfast" until 12 or 1. It definitely works for me. I don't stick to any sort of fixed eating window - just work out roughly when I ate my last thing the night before and then put off breakfast the next day. I've also started upping the protein in my meals and reducing the carb size and keeping an eye on portion sizes (without measuring anything).

It's about finding what works for each of us I think. I know that I won't stick to a rigid diet with a lot of rules, and that I'll give up on anything that involves a lot of weighing, counting or measuring. Other folk love these approaches though and so My Fitness Pal, for example, works brilliantly for them. I know that I won't stick to something that involves cutting out a food group either (so reducing carbs rather than eliminating works for me). I've gone from a size 18 to a 10 now with this adhoc and random approach.

aintnothinbutagstring · 22/04/2021 08:47

I've given up on diets, I've started running instead and I hate, hate, hate, have always hated running but it's less effort, motivation wise, than to faff around with counting calories or carbs. I just don't have time for that anymore. It seems to making a difference though still early days 🤞 Walking is good, but I think you really need to get your heart rate up, and you only get the continued burn off with moderate to high intensity exercise.

Msmcc1212 · 22/04/2021 09:28

Totally get where you are coming from OP.

Tiny tiny small goals can help. Like really tiny. Whatever the goal is break it down to its tiniest parts. And no ‘dead person goals’ like ‘I’ll give up sugar forever’.

Self compassion when you don’t hit a goal too. It’s hard. There are many reasons why we eat more than we need and some of them are very powerful physical urges

I’ll try and post an image of all the factors that lead to us eating more than our bodies need and how they all interlink. It’s soooo complex. So don’t beat yourself up for being human.

Msmcc1212 · 22/04/2021 09:33

debategraph.org/Details.aspx?nid=365986

Look at the image of all the factors and how they interlink. Is there any wonder so many of us eat more than our body needs?

One small tony step at a time.

fairycakes1234 · 22/04/2021 09:37

I could have wrote your post. If anyone met me they would think i am happy and positive and and I am for the most part, its just the bloody weight as well, I'm about 3 stone overweight, (14 stone) and everyday i think about it, I also avoid mirrors, and there was a time you couldnt get me away from a mirror, now i almost cry when i see myself, I don't think Im ugly or anything like that, but I know I would look a lot better with the weight gone. I also look at pictures from about 2 years ago and would love to get back there. I have bought the pinch of nom books, they are really good, the food is delicious, easy to cook and all calorie counted. If you are on facebook check out all the success stories. The majority are doing it by calorie counting and I have started doing that too, a long way to go but Im feeling a bit more positive. I also bought the little tracker book where you write everything down (its 14.99) and my husband thinks its a gimmick, and why cant I just write in a little notebook but I like that each day its marked out your goals and a few recipes and inspiration. . I have lost a stone but it took ages but then I'm nearly 50 so I think slow and steady wins the race. I have also tried every diet under the sun but I think the calorie counting really does work. Start today and be positive. So many women in the same boat. I have had to give up my wine though because its lethal and I let my guard down when I have had a bottle (no point in pretending its just a glass). Anyway best of luck. Start today and think to yourself you will have a stone gone by this time next month. Best of luck xx

Original poster

BreathingDeep · 22/04/2021 10:05

You are all so amazing, thank you so much for being so honest and sharing your struggles too. While I would never wish this on anyone else, I'm glad that there are plenty of us and it's not a battle we're facing alone. Strength in numbers and all that.

So, I've started today as I mean to go on. Rather than a latte, I've had a cup of tea, and I'm now halfway through a 1ltr bottle of iced water. My lovely husband treated me this morning to a pastry from a local coffee shop to 'cheer me up', and while they are insanely good, when he wasn't looking, I secretly palmed it off on our son who happily engaged with the deceit. Small steps, but positive ones.

OP posts:

Janeaustensquill · 22/04/2021 10:59

Yes I’m part of the five stone to lose in my 50s club too. Have struggled all my life, lost and gained stones, joined every club going. Used to be 2 stone overweight at my worst, then read about intuitive eating. It made me feel like I never wanted to diet again. But somehow it gave me permission to eat and I gained 3
More stone in a year. I think different things will work for different people so sharing all our experiences is great. I do realise though that I have absolutely no belief that I can do this. I can’t even imagine myself slim any more. I hate the thought of lumbering into summer yet again with bagfuls of clothes under the bed I can’t wear. I’d be so thrilled to be only 2 stone overweight right now. The good weather has made me feel panicky as I only have 2 pairs of trousers and 4 tops I can fit into. And they are all winter clothes which I’ve worn constantly for over a year.
I’m up for a support group if others are. Thanks for starting your thread, OP. It is comforting to know that other people are struggling so much with this.

ittakes2 · 22/04/2021 11:00

You are not alone!