Off hand comment by stranger

[LiJo2015]

Ill keep it short. I met a friend yesterday for coffee. As i was stood there with my 8 month old in a sling jigging her to sleep, another mum with a baby in a sling came to sit down, with i presume her mum and dad. I said hello and acknowledged her baby in the sling - we talked a little and her mum commented about her daughter (the mum with a baby in the sling) was a doctor at the local hospital. As an ex-trainee doc myself i asked which med school she went too. I then responded i was no longer training. Her mum commented what a waste of tax payers money.... it is this last comment that stuck with me and has upset me and made me angry.

Leaving medicine was one of the hardest decisions i have ever had to make and the decision was forced really owing to a complete lack of empathy and support from the medical school owing to ongoing mental health difficulties i was facing. All 'support systems' they put in place only made matters worse for me. In my penultimate year, i pulled the plug.

So aibu and just overthinking this off-hand comment or was this stranger just thoughtless? Or both perhaps?

@l2b2

No. I think if id had stayed at southampton the outcome would have been different. Bristol was awful

@SpiderinaWingMirror

But in such a long training programme, often with the decision to do made before reaching adulthood, not everyone will make it to the end. That is true of any course. Yep, she was crass, and rude. I bet her daughter would curl up at her words. It hit you hard cos you didn't see it coming. You know you have to make peace with what happened. And part of that in my view is recognising that moments like that make you question your self worth. Acknowledge it and move on.

This is very very true. Sometimes getting further down the track you come to realise it is not the right decision / career path. No shame in that at all.

@l2b2

Bristol medical school was akin to the abuser. Drenched in gaslighting and superficiality. It worsened my mental health.

@Guavafish

Forget it these narrow minded ppl! Dont worry life is too short

Actually don’t forget it at all, as you’ve identified it’s a major trigger for you and will be an excellent issue to discuss and explore in your own therapy.

You’ve obviously had a very tough time and are quite easily triggered- I suspect that you’ll get many throwaway comments about psychologists, psychiatrists and all associated professionals ( all under one ignorant umbrella). You absolutely need to be able to deal with these and yes, understand why you need to share personal information that is clearly distressing for you with a total stranger.

Best of luck with it, I’m sure it will be an interesting journey.

NB I’m sure you are correct in your litigation comment, I am myself a litigant for that very reason. Successful.

OP- some of this could be identifying. You might want to ask for some of it to be removed.

I can understand her thinking it but not her saying it. People drop out all of the time, people leave when they are qualified. This is normal.

Rude. So rude and offensive I'd wonder about her mental health. Early onset dementia etc. Narcissistic etc

Ugh - nasty of her. Not her place to judge, but people like her judge everyone...

Her daughter's a doctor? Bully for her!

I run my own dog walking business. It's hard work and not the leisurely occupation it might appear to be.

I went to a friend's house and there was a woman there who said, "I know you, you're just a dog walker, aren't you?". I just smiled and asked her whether was still a shop assistant? Nothing wrong with being a shop assistant, by the way.

@BlueLobelia

Im strangely no ashamed of it. So dont mind if people know who i am. I dont want to hide what happened. I wished i could do more tbh, hence trying to see whether id have grounds for suing. My main reason for not pursuing this is the acknowledgment that it would be a long and stressing process.

This thread has been really enlightening tbh. Lots for me to reflect on moving forward. Thankyou to everyone who has taken the time to post.

@Wurrg

She was a dick. A total dick. Pity her that she needs to make wanky comments to strangers to make herself feel better.

Yes to this! 🌹

OP - I was going to say - after all this - hope you have a lovely evening planned - bubble bath, glass of wine, little treat?

maybe watch something engrossing or funny on TV later on?

@CleverCatty

Im going to the osteopath for my dodgy hips since giving birth and then getting a kfc for the family - this is probably my equivalent? 🤣

Thankyou for your kind words and suggestion though.

As someone who used to train clinicians in tropical medicine, let me tell you, the amount of female doctors who drop out of medicine after starting their families is huge, especially in hospitals. Most complete GP training so they can work part-time but I have also known doctors drop out of medicine to start related businesses, become photographers, writers, go into a completely different area of academia etc etc. There are a million and one reasons and nothing for you to feel bad about. The mother is obviously one of those ghastly women who wear their children's achievements as their own! BTW, as you yourself know, being a doctor entails absolutely nothing that can't be taught or can't be learned and passing the exams doesn't make you a good doctor or even a decent human being! Ignore her and make sure that you never, ever turn into one of 'those' mothers!

@LiJo2015

This thread has been really enlightening tbh. Lots for me to reflect on moving forward. Thankyou to everyone who has taken the time to post.

You are amazing OP :) You have alot of grace. I think you will be amazing no matter what course your career takes.

Maybe the other woman's mother thought you were an Elevenerife-r?

Maybe you're just the latest in a succession of people, who, whenever she refers to her daughter being a medic, respond with "Oh I used to do that/was going to do that/dappled a bit in that", etc, etc?

She sounds like the type who'd ask you when the baby's due, when you're not even pregnant.
Don't worry about it OP.

@Butchyrestingface

Ha! I had to look up elevenrifer-r 🤣🤣🤣

Since we can speculate till the cows come home re: WTF was going through that woman's head... it's actually possible it was something like envy that made her take you down a peg or two. Maybe she'd like to be a grandmother and has to shelve all that because her daughter is ambitious. Or maybe her daughter would have loved a child, but is infertile. Or something!

In other words we have absolutely no way of knowing how it made sense in her world.

@Alcemeg

Since we can speculate till the cows come home re: WTF was going through that woman's head... it's actually possible it was something like envy that made her take you down a peg or two. Maybe she'd like to be a grandmother and has to shelve all that because her daughter is ambitious. Or maybe her daughter would have loved a child, but is infertile. Or something!

In other words we have absolutely no way of knowing how it made sense in her world.

The doctor daughter was right next to her with her grandchild in a sling!

People will grasp at anything they feel gives them an ounce of superiority over another. It probably knocked the wind out of her sails when you said you'd been to medical school too and she felt the need to reclaim a little one upsmanship.

I used to work with a woman who never failed to mention that her husband is a hospital consultant every chance she got, it turned out he had been struck off of the register years ago for stealing drugs and forging over five hundred prescriptions.

A happy, well adjusted person wouldn't have made the comment she made, she'll almost certainly have her own issues.

@HaveringWavering
Ah yes! I forgot that bit 😂
Brain like a sieve, me!

Well I'm sure there's some perfectly nice explanation for this woman being a total arsehole 🤨

I find it really hard to work out what goes on in some people's minds, but sometimes it can be a real struggle to give them the benefit of the doubt, eh!

I'm interested that you posted on MN about this event, rather than taking it to your therapy session.

It might be helpful to consider why you did this.

@bluegreygreen

I'm interested that you posted on MN about this event, rather than taking it to your therapy session.

It might be helpful to consider why you did this.

🥴

It was a really ride comment to make.

It is also a huge waste of money and there should be an expectation of paying at least percentage back. My sister is a physiotherapist and did her MSc what working for the NHS which was funded by HEE. She signed a Clause to say she would lay back x percentage of the fees in the two years following her degree. Thats much fairer.