Off hand comment by stranger

[LiJo2015]

Ill keep it short. I met a friend yesterday for coffee. As i was stood there with my 8 month old in a sling jigging her to sleep, another mum with a baby in a sling came to sit down, with i presume her mum and dad. I said hello and acknowledged her baby in the sling - we talked a little and her mum commented about her daughter (the mum with a baby in the sling) was a doctor at the local hospital. As an ex-trainee doc myself i asked which med school she went too. I then responded i was no longer training. Her mum commented what a waste of tax payers money.... it is this last comment that stuck with me and has upset me and made me angry.

Leaving medicine was one of the hardest decisions i have ever had to make and the decision was forced really owing to a complete lack of empathy and support from the medical school owing to ongoing mental health difficulties i was facing. All 'support systems' they put in place only made matters worse for me. In my penultimate year, i pulled the plug.

So aibu and just overthinking this off-hand comment or was this stranger just thoughtless? Or both perhaps?

I always think being that much of a dick is its own punishment. Everybody you meet who isn't a dick will think "oh look, there is that woman who is a complete dick" and avoids you or is blankly polite so then you can only be friends with other dicks and never see the error if you ways... It's a vicious circle.

I remember when my partner was at medical school. They didn't sleep, eat and cried constantly. I would not have blamed them if they had chosen to quit. They kept going to please their parents and then as soon as they could left practicising medicine. Twenty years in they are an absolute expert, well paid and love their job. Surprisingly, the people who seemed to prosper unscathed in the toxic atmosphere were the medics who were absolute dicks...

@ChairmansReserve

You will be able to find the evidence for yourself.

Waste of tax payers' money" said by someone who probably doesn't realise we pay tuition fees for higher education in this country.
Ignore.

Tuition fees are only a contribution. Taxpayers pay around 45% of the full cost.

In what sense is 'litigation' (strange word to use in the UK) primarily caused by 'lack of empathic communication'?

No one said it was 'caused by' lack of empathic communication. Clearly what the OP means is most people start legal proceedings because they have experienced a lack of empathic communication.

@Tooshytoshine

'Surprisingly, the people who seemed to prosper unscathed in the toxic atmosphere were the medics who were absolute dicks...'

This was my personal experience too

The person had a point. You took up a much sought after place then dropped out.

VivienneMary wins goady comment of the day.

I was an academic high flyer, was on course for a great career then I got a severe post viral illness in my early 30s and everything went to shit. I had to find my self worth in other things. It has made me a better person I think. It takes a while to get past it particularly due to other peoples attitudes and lack of empathy and support but as you get older I think you give less of a shit what other people think anway.

Empty vessels make the most noise. There are always tactless people. You did your best at Med School, it did not work. I hate it when people who know nothing about you and nothing about your circumstances, make tactless remarks. If this woman thinks that everyone going to Med School makes it through, she is deluded. People leave schools, colleges, universities for a variety of reasons.

@DeclineandFall 💐

@LiJo2015 ChairmansReserve You will be able to find the evidence for yourself.

OK. I see. You just made it up.

Are you in the UK, by the way?

I get this a fair bit due to my job (nhs) and I normally just say oh right, pose it like a question and the majority of the time the person moves the conversation on... it's usually used to try and infer that their relatives knows more/same as me. Everyone gets treated the same in my clinic!

@IntermittentParps No one said it was 'caused by' lack of empathic communication. Clearly what the OP means is most people start legal proceedings because they have experienced a lack of empathic communication.

She very literally did say that. She said she 'knows it is the number one reason for litigation'.

She also refuses to provide any evidence to back that up.

Her posts about the medical profession are very strange, incoherent and don't sound or read in any way as if they were written by someone who has attended medical school for any time at all.

This is a really, really odd thread for many reasons.

She was rude and rather overbearing.

She made an assumption, that you chose to quit (probably putting 2+2 together to make the 5 of 'chose to abandon career for motherhood'). Her response was predicated on this idea of free choice.

You need to recognise that people are not psychic and, at the same time, they do not need to be told everything about you. They do not know and they do need to know. You do not need to lay yourself open to the judgement of strangers. People can and will think whatever they wish to think. They will often make assumptions and will often get things wrong.

The thing to do, in this or any situation where a topic is bound to come up in everyday chit chat but is tricky for you, is to choose your story, learn your lines and stick to them.

In your case I'd go for something like 'I trained as a doctor but was forced out through ill-health, sadly'. Most people won't probe for details of your ill-health. If they do, you have your next line ready e.g. 'oh it was a chronic condition that began during training. The med school just weren't able to be flexible enough to accommodate me long-term'.

That knocks on the head any moral peril in the face of the judgemental.

ChairmansReserve, perhaps it's deliberate, but you seem to miss the subtle distinction in meaning.
You also seem to have a bit of an agenda against the OP. Weird.

OP why do you care about the opinions of strangers. You don't know her, she doesn't know you and the general public is generally uninformed.

Worry about the people you do care about.

@notalwaysalondoner

That is incredibly harsh to say to a stranger.

Having said that, I find it astonishing that UK medical and especially dentistry students are not required to work in the nhs for a certain number of years before going private or emigrating, considering how much lower their fees are than the actual cost of their training. Dentists especially get so subsidised compared to the actual costs of their training then merrily go straight into private practice without giving anything back. But she knows nothing of your personal circumstances.

They also rush off to Australia and New Zealand after the training ends... I know of 2 that did this.... expensive and I agree there should be some years of 'payback'....

However, what the woman said was nasty and unnecessary.

When I worked in a gift shop of a tourist attraction one day I was replenishing some stock. A couple were standing close to me and the woman actually said to me "I bet your glad you went to university doing a job like this" even her partner looked shocked I just replied " well it's a good job I didn't go isn't it" and walked off. Strangers can be very rude. Please don't let this woman's attitude upset you it says more about them than you.

I walked away from my profession OP and had a similar comment made by the mum of a friend ... it stung a little - but was the right call for me - like your decision is ultimately the right one for you .... ultimately we are only ever responsible to ourselves - definitely not randoms

Ha ignore the old wench and focus on your beautiful baby x

Rule for life: never ever take to heart comments about you by people who don't understand your circumstances. I learned that when DS2 was very ill as a baby and I had neighbours accusing me of starving him when I spent pretty much all day every day trying to coax him to eat enough to stay alive.

Learn the art of selective deafness - if they don't know you, you can't hear them.

@IntermittentParps ChairmansReserve, perhaps it's deliberate, but you seem to miss the subtle distinction in meaning. You also seem to have a bit of an agenda against the OP. Weird.

There isn't a 'subtle distinction of meaning' between saying A is the reason for B, and saying A causes B. They are synonymous.

In any case, the OP has (a) clearly invented that 'fact' out of thin air, (b) refuses to answer really simple questions about whether or not she's in the UK, and (c) really, really doesn't write posts like someone who has been to medical school.

There is indeed something 'weird' going on in this thread and someone with an 'agenda', but it's not me.

I think op that it’s clear you’ve had a very negative experience due to mental illnesses and it’s impacted your view on the medical profession which is fair enough, but I think that bringing down a whole profession is wrong, there are hundred of thousands of wonderful doctors around the world who do absolutely fantastic jobs and are great people.

You need to let go of your anger and disappointment, with professional assistance if need be, as it will do you no good.

Support was and still is abysmal.
Very true but this has been the case since Adam was a boy and realistically will likely be the case until the job is taken over by robots. I’m not saying it’s right but it’s nothing new. One thing that has changed is people’s expectations as they come through, personally I’ve seen an enormous shift in this over the decades. I’m not saying this with any reference to OP as I don’t not know them or what their expectations were (and I have no need to), it’s just a general observation made over time.

There is indeed something 'weird' going on in this thread and someone with an 'agenda', but it's not me.

Crack on with thinking that then.

Never let anyone paint you as a failure for recognising and acting on the brutality of a system that discourages empathy! Well done OP.

As for the woman in the cafe, the only way her comment makes any sense is if she was making a joke. Sometimes it's hard to get your head round how weird other folk can be. Best not to try.

OP I am not sure it helps at all but my closest friend is a qualified solicitor. She paid for her conversion course then the practice course (not sure of the correct name). She spent £30 k of her own money on it. Then got a training contract which are like hens teeth. She got through that and qualified.

About a month after she qualified her oldest son had an accident and became wholly reliant on her. She gave up everything to be his carer.

People said to her ;'what a shame' and all the variations thereof. Her response was 'It was not the plan. But my life changed and my needs changed.' End of conversation for her as far as she is concerned.