Off hand comment by stranger

[LiJo2015]

Ill keep it short. I met a friend yesterday for coffee. As i was stood there with my 8 month old in a sling jigging her to sleep, another mum with a baby in a sling came to sit down, with i presume her mum and dad. I said hello and acknowledged her baby in the sling - we talked a little and her mum commented about her daughter (the mum with a baby in the sling) was a doctor at the local hospital. As an ex-trainee doc myself i asked which med school she went too. I then responded i was no longer training. Her mum commented what a waste of tax payers money.... it is this last comment that stuck with me and has upset me and made me angry.

Leaving medicine was one of the hardest decisions i have ever had to make and the decision was forced really owing to a complete lack of empathy and support from the medical school owing to ongoing mental health difficulties i was facing. All 'support systems' they put in place only made matters worse for me. In my penultimate year, i pulled the plug.

So aibu and just overthinking this off-hand comment or was this stranger just thoughtless? Or both perhaps?

But i know i am compelled to tell people what i used to do as i know my sense of self worth and identity was so tightly wound up in becoming a doctor. I do still have a strong sense that i failed.

I'm sorry this happened to you, OP, she was nasty. But I agree with PP's who suggest that you need to find a way, perhaps through counselling, to let go of this history. Telling strangers about it and reliving your sense of failure isn't healthy, you need to focus on the future.

What a bitch she is

@Wurrg

She was a dick. A total dick. Pity her that she needs to make wanky comments to strangers to make herself feel better.

It was a waste of money. The NHS and universities should be ashamed of themselves for wasting money by not being more supportive of trainee doctors.

But that's what I probably would have said to her at the time.

Of course some will drop out because they decide it's just not for them - but again, but that's the case for most career paths.

It's not you, ignore them.

She's looked at your baby and heard you comment and gone "went to medical school, got pregnant, dropped out, man will keep me" and then been a cow about it. So a. she's being judgemental b. She's imagining the reasons which fit her judgment because HER darling daughter would NEVER get pregnant in medical school and let down the family reputation.

Ignore xx

She was rude and it's none of her business, but she's not incorrect is she?

My random guess is the woman thought you gave up medicine to have children and that you were judging her daughter's path of having children and being a Dr. Or she is a total bitch. Either way she is still a total bitch.

What a cow.

I hope she or her daughter is reading and they recognise themselves.

i know my sense of self worth and identity was so tightly wound up in becoming a doctor. I do still have a strong sense that i failed
Op as you're training to be a psychotherapist, I assume you're accessing your own counselling or will need to start shortly? You Def need to work on this sense that you've failed and this is what you're doing instead to make it a solely positive choice about your succeeding in life.

@lottiegarbanzo

"What I would say to you, is please sort out your own issues before you go much further with psychotherapy. I suspect you'll be forced to as part of the training. But bitterness has no place in therapy. Nor does a sense of superiority over different forms of treatment (if you were to apply your 'no empathy' schema to your future patients' GPs and psychiatrists, for example). "

You're absolutely right. I will be starting my msc in sep after completing level 4 training. There is a massive emphasis on personal therapy. The difference in training is actually quite remarkable and despite me starting out thinking i was a 'good listener' because of medicine, i soon learnt i was the opposite! I have to do alot of unlearning of the medical approach as it simply has no place in the therapeutic relationship

@SleepingStandingUp

Seeming private therapy is an essential part of the psychotherapy training

@SleepingStandingUp

Seeking

[quote LiJo2015]@SleepingStandingUp

Seeming private therapy is an essential part of the psychotherapy training[/quote]
Yes I know, that's what I meant, that you must have started it already or be about to depending on when you started your training

Another thing to remember, OP, is that a successful career doesn't automatically make you a "successful" person.

I know several people who on paper seem v. successful, but other areas of their lives are a mess. Being a good Mum to your DD, for example, is another definition of success.

She said something silly but I don't get why you told your business to a stranger.

I wouldn't be upset about this comment made to you, as there are always going to be nasty people around everywhere, who make rude and snide remarks about lots of things, and there would be no point in challenging them.

She could have kept that comment to herself. There was no reason for her to share it other than to make you feel crap.
I dropped out of Operating Department Practitioner training... so I "wasted" the taxpayer's money in terms of the paid tuition fees (it was NHS funded at the time) and bursary. I feel bad about it but there is nothing I can do about that... what would people want? For me to pay the fees back?

I think you sound very restrained, if I'd been on the end of that comment she would have got a swift reply stating all the different ways the Tories have wasted tax payer money (and how much) and how very odd it was that she seemed to see fit only to comment on my personal choices as a 'waste of tax payer money'. Ridiculous woman.

Don't feel bad about your choices, if the NHS wasn't as underfunded as it is support systems might be better and it might be a better working environment. Plus, I'd rather somebody who realises it's not for them bowed out and wasn't out there treating people anyway. Better all round!

I think you could substitute any number of careers in this thread for ‘trainee doctor’ and get similar experiences. Your experience is not unique. Many workplaces are brutal. Mentally tough. Competitive. Intrinsically ‘unfair’. That is life.

You need to let go of your experiences as a Trainee Doctor. It is in the past and of no direct relevance now. You did not fail; it just didn’t work out for you.

No need to tell strangers, or anyone for that matter. And any views of a stranger are irrelevant anyway.

Concentrate on the present.

Well you know what they say Op.

Those who mind don't matter.

Those who matter don't mind.

@Talkingmouse

"I think you could substitute any number of careers in this thread for ‘trainee doctor’ and get similar experiences. Your experience is not unique. Many workplaces are brutal. Mentally tough. Competitive. Intrinsically ‘unfair’. That is life. "

You are absolutely right. Although i will say it stung and stings like a bitch to have been so appallingly treated by a so-called caring profession. By one of my own.

Oh, for sure. Good luck developing your psychotherapy career

@Talkingmouse 💐

Was your experience the same at both Southampton and Bristol OP?

Forget it these narrow minded ppl! Dont worry life is too short

But in such a long training programme, often with the decision to do made before reaching adulthood, not everyone will make it to the end. That is true of any course.
Yep, she was crass, and rude. I bet her daughter would curl up at her words. It hit you hard cos you didn't see it coming.
You know you have to make peace with what happened. And part of that in my view is recognising that moments like that make you question your self worth. Acknowledge it and move on.