Off hand comment by stranger

[LiJo2015]

Ill keep it short. I met a friend yesterday for coffee. As i was stood there with my 8 month old in a sling jigging her to sleep, another mum with a baby in a sling came to sit down, with i presume her mum and dad. I said hello and acknowledged her baby in the sling - we talked a little and her mum commented about her daughter (the mum with a baby in the sling) was a doctor at the local hospital. As an ex-trainee doc myself i asked which med school she went too. I then responded i was no longer training. Her mum commented what a waste of tax payers money.... it is this last comment that stuck with me and has upset me and made me angry.

Leaving medicine was one of the hardest decisions i have ever had to make and the decision was forced really owing to a complete lack of empathy and support from the medical school owing to ongoing mental health difficulties i was facing. All 'support systems' they put in place only made matters worse for me. In my penultimate year, i pulled the plug.

So aibu and just overthinking this off-hand comment or was this stranger just thoughtless? Or both perhaps?

I would have probably said something dumb like, ‘you are a waste of tax payers money’ and walked away with my nose in the air but I’m very childish.

Don’t beat yourself up about one silly woman. You owe her nothing. She isn’t worth your thoughts.

Good luck in your future career.

That woman probably has a banner strung across the front of her house declaring the fact her daughter is a doctor. Whilst out and about she probably flags down traffic to inform them of them too.

What a mean old bore you met.

When i get told about friends kids starting on medical training my heart sinks tbh as i know how utterly brutal and unforgiving it is. It was ironic that when i finally pulled the plug my husband said i had become more caring. Medical training makes you harsh and critical and ironically boots out any sense of empathy or compassion. This is absolutely necessary owing to the training and the job - but i strongly feel this approach is so damaging to what the role could be whilst ensuring the health of the doctor themselves including the health of that doctors nearest and dearest.

I have a friend who tells everyone she’s a qualified dentist to big herself up in front of working women. But she never worked after graduation as she got married to a high earner very early and had kids straight away. She likes her lifestyle and won’t ever change it.

Nothing wrong with saying she’s a housewife or SAHP and in our community both are looked upon very positively. But by dwelling on the past she opens herself to so many comments and judgements and unsolicited advice. I wish she just stopped talking about it and focussed on her present.

What IS a waste of tax payers money is not supporting trainees so that they get to the point where they can’t complete their studies.

she's a bitch and I'd ignore her.

sounds like one up-manship and bragging (in front of her DD!)about her DD and trying to put you down at the same time.

I heard that highest suicide rates (years ago) was amongst medical students, doctors etc, someone told me - and you said this further down the page.

Just thank God she is not your mother .Can you imagine her response if her daughter decided it wasn't the career for her
I think it shows courage to walk away from something you have put a lot of time and energy into .

Nasty cow
She obviously has no achievements of her own to be proud of so piggybacks off the fact her daughter is a Doctor. She probable starts sentences with “my daughter (did I mention she was a Doctor?) is xyz”
Better to change your mind about becoming a Doctor than be a bad one OP, it wasn’t your vocation and that’s fine

@bellinisurge

"Waste of tax payers' money" said by someone who probably doesn't realise we pay tuition fees for higher education in this country. Ignore.

exactly this. I wonder what amazing career this woman had too and did she waste or not tax payers money whilst training for it??!!

Oh OP I'm not surprised you're smarting from that. How dare she?

If she'd replied 'oh that's a shame after all your training' that would be understandable and would reflect how hard the decision must have been, but a comment like that, I'm just speechless.

It's so hard but try not to take it to heart. She doesn't know you, your circumstances, your personality, your heart. You wouldn't go to her, as a complete stranger, for advice so don't take her unfair comments to heart.

Huge kudos to you too, for having the balls to acknowledge something you'd put your heart and soul into, for years, wasn't for you anymore. That's incredible, well done.

@Hoppinggreen

Nasty cow She obviously has no achievements of her own to be proud of so piggybacks off the fact her daughter is a Doctor. She probable starts sentences with “my daughter (did I mention she was a Doctor?) is xyz” Better to change your mind about becoming a Doctor than be a bad one OP, it wasn’t your vocation and that’s fine

bet the daughter next to her was cringing inside at her mother spouting such rubbish.

That's what you get for making polite small talk with a stranger. It's people like this make me think Sartre was right when he said 'hell is other people'.

She's the dick here OP, not you. Don't be carrying that baggage for her; she doesn't deserve one single moment of negative energy.

Eugghh, the “my child is a Xxx” type.
Totally unnecessary comment made to you. I’m sorry for that.
But as you referred to upthread, please do think about not revealing so much info to strangers. You don’t even have to speak to them!
You didn’t fail. You left because it was the right decision for you. And it sounds like you’re making another excellent decision now re Psychotherapy.
Good luck!

It’s just noise OP.

Every single person will make judgements about others. Every single person. We can’t help it.
Fortunately for most of us we can engage our brain and conscious / critical thought before we open our mouths and express it.

This lady clearly does not possess the ability to critically analyse her own subconscious judgements, which is a shame because it’s probably unlikely she is a bad person. Had it been her daughter who suffered with mental health issues to the point of needing to drop out of training then her attitude would no doubt be different.
If you had challenged her then I imagine she’d be mortified to be held accountable for a blanket judgement which absolutely no context or understanding of the particular details.

Please don’t let one random comment from someone who isn’t emotionally competent enough or even tactful enough to realise making sweeping statements in relation to a total strangers situation is totally rude, unnecessary, unreasonable and incredibly stupid. As in it makes her look dumb as shit.

To me you sound like someone who is taking a long path to get to their destination, you never have to apologise or validate your path to other people especially not random café snobs.

@LiJo2015

When i get told about friends kids starting on medical training my heart sinks tbh as i know how utterly brutal and unforgiving it is. It was ironic that when i finally pulled the plug my husband said i had become more caring. Medical training makes you harsh and critical and ironically boots out any sense of empathy or compassion. This is absolutely necessary owing to the training and the job - but i strongly feel this approach is so damaging to what the role could be whilst ensuring the health of the doctor themselves including the health of that doctors nearest and dearest.

With all due respect that’s absolute bullshit. I appreciate you had a bad experience but I have many doctors and medical students in my family and friend circle and they are often the most caring and compassionate people I know. All of them have volunteered to work shifts for free, and the retired doctors came out of retirement putting themselves at huge risk to give vaccinations. The Junior doctors are swamped but often stay on after shifts (often on an unpaid basis because their hospitals requite overtime payments to be authorised) just to comfort patients.

Medicine might not have been right for you, and you might not have been properly supported through it, and that’s okay but that’s not the case for everyone.

Wow, what a bitch!
It's sad to see the money spent teaching her manners was well spent.

You wasted nothing, you found out it wasn't for you. Better before 'sticking it out' and making yourself miserable in the process. Be kind to yourself, you really do deserve it.
for you.

Fuck her.
Basically.

People like her are exactly the type of people we don't want anywhere near medical education or the NHS. I bet her daughter was mortified.

I can't imagine how you found the courage to walk away at that point, no one would do that lightly and the fact that her first thought isn't that tells you all you need to know. I'm sorry you didn't get the support you needed and we have lost someone with the potential to be an excellent doctor.

Yes tax payers do fund parts of your training but we also get our moneys worth out of you on your placements, especially in the later years of the training where you are used as an extra body more often than a student.

Empathy just really passes straight over some people doesn't it.

Good luck with your new career, I hope you also consider psych medical education at some point if that interests you, your experience would be invaluable for medical students.

You are obviously sensitive about giving up med school - so why on earth bring it into a conversation with a total stranger?

Odd thing to do.

It’s not a very kind thing to say to someone, so I totally understand why you were upset. It’s none of her business though.

^This with bells on. Honestly, don’t let someone like her get to her, she’s so not worth it. (I would have been upset by her, too, though, so I do get it.)

My sister was a consultant paediatrician (now retired ) she didn't have any children out of choice because of the dedication needed for her job . She's not a person to do things by halves as you can imagine I'm sure and so she didn't feel she could dedicate enough to motherhood while having such a demanding job . But what a shame really. You have definitely made the right decision and certainly don't need to justify yourself to judgy strangers ! That woman will have no idea what the demands of that job is and was completely ignorant and rude . As others have suggested I wouldn't bother sharing personal details with the likes. Of her ever again. Wishing you every success in you chosen path .

How did this even come up in conversation? How do you get from “oh we both have babies, how old is he/she?” to “my daughter is a DOCTOR dontcha know?”. Did you not say anything in response?

And this must all have been at high volume too due to social distancing. What a bitch.

OP sounds like you did the right thing about your medical training. Do not let people like her second guess you. I bet she is a SAHM who has never paid any tax herself and lives her life through her daughter and husband.

Its interesting that someone posted about not telling people private info - this i think is good advice. But i know i am compelled to tell people what i used to do as i know my sense of self worth and identity was so tightly wound up in becoming a doctor. I do still have a strong sense that i failed. I know in everyday conversation where something like this comes up part of me just tells my story as in a natural exchange but also in a way to feel that little bit worthy? Does that make sense?

Look, OP, I think that this is more about you than the offhand remark of a stranger -- you set this up (as I think you do realise) by implicitly asking for admiration/fellow-feeling, whether this was conscious or unconscious, and then the stranger refused to give it to you and actually smacked you down. This happens to most of us in minor ways on a day to day basis, but I think your own vulnerabilities make you more hurt by it. You sound as if you're aware of why you actually told this stranger far more than you needed to and gave her to tools to hurt you.

She's probably not even a taxpayer (usually people who make these idiotic comments aren't). Ignore.

🌈🌼She was very rude and boastful about her dd.
Op,you don't need a title to prove your worth,at the end of our lives the person who has to face up to our actions in this life is ourselves and therefore no validation is required from other people.Believe in yourself and be proud of yourself.🌺