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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Weekend away and other people's kids

251 replies

MrsAldoKane · 20/04/2021 16:05

Me and DP are getting married and we weren't going to bother with stag and hen parties because of covid and not knowing what's likely to happen - plus we're just not really party people.

His best man asked DP if he was sure though, and offered to organise something anyway, even if we had to postpone. Best man suggested we do a weekend away in a big house somewhere with friends as a joint hen/stag do and after some chat, me and DP agreed, and thanked best man for suggesting it and organising etc. It's much more our style, lots of sport and cooking, less partying/drinking/penis straws/strippers. So far, so good.

Me and DP agreed we wouldn't invite children. I had a miscarriage earlier this year, and although I'm 90% fine and our friends have some really lovely kids - I'm not really sure I want to spend the stag/hen do setting up activities to suit young children while I'm still childless and sad about it.

My DP was talking to his best man who said 'if you don't have children Mrs best man won't be able to come because our daughter can't be left with anyone else' - I can't imagine it was a guilt trip type thing but that he said it in quite a factual way. I don't know him that well but from what I know of him a guilt-trip just isn't his style. I'm not annoyed with him.

My DP instantly said 'oh no, we'll deff want Mrs best man there - I'll speak to MrsKane and sort it out'. Sigh. So now I think I've got a few options.

  1. Get on with it, invite kids and suck it up.
  2. Tell DP to have a stag do without me - I'll do something else with my friends.
  3. Accept I'm going to look like the bad guy who banned kids and Mrs best man from the stag/hen do.

I think I'll end up going with 1 because the other options just make me look a bit petty - but AIBU to be a bit pissed off with DP? I never asked to have a joint hen/stag do - when it was suggested I specifically asked whether he'd rather do something with his friends where he didn't have to worry about accommodating me he said he'd rather have me and our friends from my side there.

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 21/04/2021 19:50

@Oblomov21

3

Get Dh to tell him: "Actually I've talked to OP and we would like it to remain child free. So if it's just you that's ok. We can arrange to do something with Mrs best man another time".

"In the meantime sort it out mate, your kid can't be left with anyone else? FFS"

That’s ending is a bit shitty. Some people genuinely don’t have childcare options, especially for a weekend.
h1nch · 21/04/2021 20:03

YANBU - option 3

If you were going out/away for a "traditional" stag or hen party no one would dream of bringing their kids so why is this any different? This is YOUR party, you get to set the rules

Shrivelled · 21/04/2021 20:21

If you invite kids you might find that everyone else suddenly can’t make it 😂

SouthernComforter · 22/04/2021 10:23

You have a valid reason for not wanting to have children there - and, even if you didn't, it's your weekend so your choice. It's difficult not to feel guilty about these things, but I'd agree the message with your partner and both stick to it. You personally don't have to 'own' the decision - you can both say 'we've talked about it and, on this occasion, would prefer to celebrate with just our grown up friends' (or something like that). Don't deviate from the line or use each other as an excuse. You could always make it just one night away, if two nights is too difficult for most parents.

Pastnowfuture · 22/04/2021 11:10

I have an 11 month old who I couldn't leave with anyone right now. We literally have no family and due to covid he has only met friends a handful of times each outdoors. Plus I'm still breastfeeding.

If one of my friends was having an event like this I would totally appreciate the fact that they want it to be child free and I wouldn't expect to go or for plans to be altered for me. Luckily I have lovely friends who would understand and would never say something nasty like "In the meantime sort it out mate, your kid can't be left with anyone else? FFS"

The best man probably said it to explain why his wife won't be there rather than you thinking she doesn't want to be there or can't be bothered.

Go with option 3. If they are true friends you 100% will not be seen as the bad guy. Have a wonderful time X

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 22/04/2021 12:18

@Oblomov21

3

Get Dh to tell him: "Actually I've talked to OP and we would like it to remain child free. So if it's just you that's ok. We can arrange to do something with Mrs best man another time".

"In the meantime sort it out mate, your kid can't be left with anyone else? FFS"

You sound like a monumental twat. Yeah ok, people can just ‘sort out’ the fact that grandparents are dead/disabled/abroad. If you have this much empathy in real life I can’t imagine your friends are lining up to go away with you anyway. Are people honestly this thick/awful or was this written trying to be funny?
FM2013 · 22/04/2021 12:59

YANBU. It's not your fault they don't have childcare. Is Mrs BM a good friend of yourself? Would you be upset it she didn't attend?

Barmychick · 22/04/2021 13:58

ouch your dp really dropped you in it! Since you had discussed it , he needs to go back to bm and explain why no kids. Really who has kids at hen/ stag? Sounds as if it might end up symbolic and not at all what you want? I'd be inclined to scrub the whole idea and do what makes you comfortable.

Hardbackwriter · 22/04/2021 14:04

Ooh, I actually am Mrs BM! Well, not literally - I know I'm not because DH isn't best man and because there was no question of it being open to children - but DH and I were both invited to a stag do this summer (mutual friend, mixed sex event) and I'm not going because we'll have a 6 month old. It never occurred to me to take him - it clearly isn't an event for a baby - and when we said I wouldn't go because of DS2 that was just a fact/explanation, it wasn't any sort of suggestion he should come. Option 3 is 100% reasonable and would be even if it weren't for your loss, for which many sympathies.

Iwantanap · 22/04/2021 14:12

As a parent this wouldn't appeal to me to bring my kids to.
Just take a deep breath and think about what you actually want to do. Then do that.
Also sounds like a nightmare to organise so you could say that and you want to do something simple which is what you said in your op

notanothertakeaway · 22/04/2021 14:17

I think it's really unfair your DP landed you in it and makes you the bad guy, when you had both agreed the weekend should be child free

I suggest DP goes back and says "Sorry mate, you caught me off guard, but we've had a chat and we would prefer to keep this weekend for adults only" (which sounds a bit kinder than "we don't want children")

Mrs BM would likely be quite happy to stay home

JackieTheFart · 22/04/2021 14:22

Defo option 3.

Also what is actually going to happen with any kids there? Who’s going to look after them? What would be the point in Mrs Bestman coming and having to supervise her own child in unfamiliar surroundings? Coz bet Mr Bestman won’t be doing much of it...

OmniversalSpecies2021 · 22/04/2021 23:55

option 3

Stag and hen do's are an ADULTS ONLY thing - yours is not an excuse for a 'family weekend break' for another family.........

Biker47 · 23/04/2021 01:18

Correct response would have been for your partner to say; "That's a shame... will you still be coming though?" instead of throwing you under the bus to be the one to look like the bad guy.

stackemhigh · 23/04/2021 05:03

@katy1213

Your first instinct to do nothing was best. Why do you need a weekend away to celebrate your wedding? Surely turning up for your (child-free) wedding is celebration enough.
Because she wants to?!
thehorsealreadybolted · 23/04/2021 05:52

So you’re telling us that mr and Mrs best man never get to go away for the weekend? They will have SOMEONE that can have the problem child I bet you. It’s just easier for them to have kids included. I speak from experience here. If they really wanted a kid free break they would have one trust me. And if they really cant, well they have made their kid like that so they are the ones that must suck it up - not you

ArnoldJudasRimmer · 23/04/2021 06:05

Option 3. One of my kids is too young to be left, and I wouldn't want to leave the other with someone else anyway, however I'd never ask to bring them if they weren't specifically invited. It would mean me not going in that case, but wouldn't be your fault and I certainly wouldn't be upset.

Penners99 · 23/04/2021 06:08

Option 3 or cancel the whole thing

Hardbackwriter · 23/04/2021 06:34

@thehorsealreadybolted

So you’re telling us that mr and Mrs best man never get to go away for the weekend? They will have SOMEONE that can have the problem child I bet you. It’s just easier for them to have kids included. I speak from experience here. If they really wanted a kid free break they would have one trust me. And if they really cant, well they have made their kid like that so they are the ones that must suck it up - not you
What are you on about - you have no idea of the age of the child, whether they have any family support (you can use paid babysitters for an evening but finding one to do a weekend is quite different), etc. None of that means OP and her partner have to have them there - as I've said upthread I'm missing out on a similar event because I have a breastfed small baby and I think it's entirely fair that I miss out because it isn't reasonable to bring him - but why would you assume that they could just easily come without the children but can't be bothered?
DooleySpooley · 23/04/2021 06:59

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

20viona · 23/04/2021 07:24

Option 3

Saltyslug · 23/04/2021 07:33

It would completely change the tone of the weekend having even one or two children there. Time to put your foot down

thatwastheriver · 23/04/2021 07:45

Why are there so many threads on MN lately where the OP poses a questions, hundreds of people respond (and in this case it seems mostly with the same opinion) and the OP never comes back. I know we shouldn't expect constant updates but it would be polite to at least acknowledge the trouble people have taken to consider her question. No need to say what she decided.

Whoopsies · 23/04/2021 07:50

I currently have a pandemic child who can't be left with anyone but me or DH. So I'd feel it was a shame I couldn't go, but I would not be forcing my children on a weekend like that, no fun for anyone!

The90swereadecadeago · 23/04/2021 07:55

No the kids can’t come! Who brings them to a stag/hen weekend anyway? 🙄

I think they’re trying their luck, they’ll get childcare if pushed to I’m sure!

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