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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Weekend away and other people's kids

251 replies

MrsAldoKane · 20/04/2021 16:05

Me and DP are getting married and we weren't going to bother with stag and hen parties because of covid and not knowing what's likely to happen - plus we're just not really party people.

His best man asked DP if he was sure though, and offered to organise something anyway, even if we had to postpone. Best man suggested we do a weekend away in a big house somewhere with friends as a joint hen/stag do and after some chat, me and DP agreed, and thanked best man for suggesting it and organising etc. It's much more our style, lots of sport and cooking, less partying/drinking/penis straws/strippers. So far, so good.

Me and DP agreed we wouldn't invite children. I had a miscarriage earlier this year, and although I'm 90% fine and our friends have some really lovely kids - I'm not really sure I want to spend the stag/hen do setting up activities to suit young children while I'm still childless and sad about it.

My DP was talking to his best man who said 'if you don't have children Mrs best man won't be able to come because our daughter can't be left with anyone else' - I can't imagine it was a guilt trip type thing but that he said it in quite a factual way. I don't know him that well but from what I know of him a guilt-trip just isn't his style. I'm not annoyed with him.

My DP instantly said 'oh no, we'll deff want Mrs best man there - I'll speak to MrsKane and sort it out'. Sigh. So now I think I've got a few options.

  1. Get on with it, invite kids and suck it up.
  2. Tell DP to have a stag do without me - I'll do something else with my friends.
  3. Accept I'm going to look like the bad guy who banned kids and Mrs best man from the stag/hen do.

I think I'll end up going with 1 because the other options just make me look a bit petty - but AIBU to be a bit pissed off with DP? I never asked to have a joint hen/stag do - when it was suggested I specifically asked whether he'd rather do something with his friends where he didn't have to worry about accommodating me he said he'd rather have me and our friends from my side there.

OP posts:
osbertthesyrianhamster · 20/04/2021 20:26

@BrownEyedGirl80

3.Sorry best man we've had a talk about it and we really want a child free trip.Really looking forward to seeing Mrs best man and kids at wedding though Smile
Maybe they don't kids at the wedding, either!
BrownEyedGirl80 · 20/04/2021 20:31

@osbertthesyrianhamster yes of course there's that but the impression I got was that it was this trip in particular she wanted child free or else she'd have said in the op

Angrypregnantlady · 20/04/2021 20:38

What kind of idiot thinks to bring kids on a stag/hen do?! Ridiculous.

Astella22 · 20/04/2021 20:38

Option 3 - everyone else will thank you. Who cares if MrB.Man and his Mrs think ur the bad guy. Honestly how rude to try visit their child in an adults only weekend, if they can’t leave their daughter with anyone else then that’s their issue.

Livpool · 20/04/2021 20:41

3 - it's your weekend not theirs.

I love DS but a weekend without him and some friends sounds amazing. I'd day toodles to him and DH. And would wave DH off if it was vice versa

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 20/04/2021 20:42

@HeyDemonsItsYaGirl

What a couple of drips. I bet if the precious kid can't come they will both pull out because We Come As A Family.
That’s so nasty. Did it occur to you that not anyone has alive, healthy and willing family members to just drop their children off with? Or that lots of children have hidden additional needs that mean leaving them isn’t possible or fair? If you’re lucky enough to have healthy kids and family who are willing to have them for whole weekends then think yourself lucky and don’t be so sneery towards others who may not be so fortunate.
BorderlineHappy · 20/04/2021 20:44

That’s so nasty. Did it occur to you that not anyone has alive, healthy and willing family members to just drop their children off with? Or that lots of children have hidden additional needs that mean leaving them isn’t possible or fair? If you’re lucky enough to have healthy kids and family who are willing to have them for whole weekends then think yourself lucky and don’t be so sneery towards others who may not be so fortunate.

And.
You still dont bring kids to a hen/stag do.
One of you stays home.Thats the beauty of kids,you cant get to do what you want all the time.

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 20/04/2021 20:47

The best man is being piled on here but unless I’ve missed something I don’t see what he’s done that’s so wrong! He hasn’t been unpleasant, just mentioned that his wife wouldn’t be able to come. Surely if the OP was more self aware she’d realise that planning a weekend with couple friends is likely to cause difficulties if several of them have small children...? It’s not like he suggested taking his toddler to Vegas with the lads - there is nothing about this plan that suggests it’s in any way a real stag or hen do, it’s just friends going away together. Everyone’s assuming the guy is somehow insistent on his kids coming but as I understand it he just said his wife wouldn’t be able to come without them...pretty unsurprising really?

CandyLeBonBon · 20/04/2021 20:48

@HeyDemonsItsYaGirl

What a couple of drips. I bet if the precious kid can't come they will both pull out because We Come As A Family.
ODFOD
MayorGoodwaysChicken · 20/04/2021 20:49

@BorderlineHappy

That’s so nasty. Did it occur to you that not anyone has alive, healthy and willing family members to just drop their children off with? Or that lots of children have hidden additional needs that mean leaving them isn’t possible or fair? If you’re lucky enough to have healthy kids and family who are willing to have them for whole weekends then think yourself lucky and don’t be so sneery towards others who may not be so fortunate.

And.
You still dont bring kids to a hen/stag do.
One of you stays home.Thats the beauty of kids,you cant get to do what you want all the time.

Yes I agree with you. And so does the best man by the sound of the OP-he just said if it was childfree his wife wouldn’t be able to come!

I was simply responding to a poster who was being horrible about people who don’t just leave their kids all the time with no idea if they actually can!

CattingTime · 20/04/2021 20:50

@BorderlineHappy

That’s so nasty. Did it occur to you that not anyone has alive, healthy and willing family members to just drop their children off with? Or that lots of children have hidden additional needs that mean leaving them isn’t possible or fair? If you’re lucky enough to have healthy kids and family who are willing to have them for whole weekends then think yourself lucky and don’t be so sneery towards others who may not be so fortunate.

And.
You still dont bring kids to a hen/stag do.
One of you stays home.Thats the beauty of kids,you cant get to do what you want all the time.

In which case you decline the invite to a stag/hen do.

You do not expect to bring the children.

billy1966 · 20/04/2021 21:00

I would be so pissed off with your wimpy husband to be that he couldn't just answer that it was child free.

I presume he knew that it was your preference but he was too much of a wimp to just say so and have your back.

If that is the case and he is thzt big a wuss I would be so unimpressed.

There is nothing more unattractive that a weak man who hasn't got your back.

Personally I would think you have bigger things to think about if he did the above.

Flowers
harridan50 · 20/04/2021 21:20

Tbh it sounds like he made a random comment, It sounds like a friends weekend away rather than a stag/hen do. Neither of you like parties so it is just a chilled weekend. If most of your friends have children a random few may not be able to come if it is child free

lottiegarbanzo · 20/04/2021 21:21

Is Mrs Best Man a good friend of either of you? Maybe of your DP but not you? So she wouldn't be at your hen do. She wouldn't be on a stag do either. So why would she be there at all?

Weekend away with friends is one thing. Weekend away with friends and their other halves is another (whether it works depends on how well you know the OHs and the OHs each other, I think). Them, their OHs and any DCs is another thing again.

Do you know most of these friends as couples, rather than as friend plus (lesser known) partner? Do a lot of your friends have DCs? So, if you made it just your friends and his friends, not necessarily expecting partners and no DC, would most people you'd want come?

I think if best man wants to organise a families' weekend away, he should do that, independently of you.

The best thing about a hen weekend, for a mother, is surely the opportunity to spend rare, relaxed, adult time with friends.

I would think this was a weird thing to be invited to as a family, for a couple who don't yet have kids. I also think that set-up would invite endless 'look what you're letting yourselves in for, this'll be you in a couple of years' comments. Not what you need.

So I'd either go for option 3, or separate the hen do, or drop the whole thing.

Saltyslug · 20/04/2021 21:26

DH or yourself can email them and say you’ve had a chat and both want the weekend to be child free. You’re very sorry but having kids present would change the weekend dynamics too much. You’re looking forward to seeing kids at the wedding though

Saltyslug · 20/04/2021 21:27

If DH wanted kids at his stag do he can have them. You can organise a separate child free hen do instead

Wizzbangfizz · 20/04/2021 21:27

Yanbu - and why on earth would they want to bring them! Come alone ffs.

Chloemol · 20/04/2021 21:44

Nope, no kids

So either do separate do’s or be the bad guy

Or third option cancel and don’t do anything and spend the money on something else, which is what I would do here

museumsandgalleries666 · 20/04/2021 22:02

Rearrange the weekend away to take place after the wedding, ie first anniversary celebration, , for friends, spouses and children. Let someone else (best man) organise it.

Then arrange your own low key joint hen/stag meet up for drinks, or not, as you see fit, in a bar starting after 8pm....

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 20/04/2021 22:02

I think I would pull out in a way that makes it clear that it's the best man has pushed you out. It does sort of sound like he's pushed you and your fiancé into hosting a nice break for his family.

"Sorry best man, I wasn't that keen on a hen do at all and only went along with it because you suggested it. Now it's sounding progressively less enjoyable with every update, so I'm out."

rachelgreensroom · 20/04/2021 22:04

I've never ever heard of kids at a stag or hen or joint do. It's definitely about you and your partner and you're not obliged at all to have children there! Could Mrbestman have said it without really thinking about it, as in maybe Mrsbestman is actually looking forward to a child free weekend and they can arrange childcare? Or if it's not too far from home, maybe Mrsbestman can come for a day and not stay over? Whilst it's nice to be thoughtful, it's not really your problem if she can't make it and if your close friends family are there that's the main thing!

Moulesvinrouge1 · 20/04/2021 22:12

[quote thenewduchessofhastings]@MrsAldoKane

There's always one "I can't possibly go anywhere without my little darling/darlings" guest

These people annoy me.I've 4 kids.Arranging a child free night or two away for something eg a wedding takes military style planning and may mean divvying up kids between family members etc but possible especially with advanced notice.

[/quote]
It’s not always possible - I promise you. Who do you suggest has my disabled son who needs overnight care? My mother with Dementia, my dead father or my non-existent siblings? Or my in-laws, in another country?! Honestly it’s not just that we’re all neurotic ffs

2Rebecca · 20/04/2021 22:17

I think the joint stag/ hen do is a bad idea if it means married couples then come as there are then childcare issues. Having them on different nights so the other partner can look after the kids is more sensible.

Youdose · 20/04/2021 22:19

Option 3, no brained. It’s their look out that they can’t have anyone else mind their kid. Why would you want kids there?? Specially if you don’t have any. I wouldn’t want to go with my mates and all their kids... and I have kids!

Misty84 · 20/04/2021 22:30

Please, for everybody’s sanity on here, go with Option 3!!!!!