Weekend away and other people's kids

[MrsAldoKane]

Me and DP are getting married and we weren't going to bother with stag and hen parties because of covid and not knowing what's likely to happen - plus we're just not really party people.

His best man asked DP if he was sure though, and offered to organise something anyway, even if we had to postpone. Best man suggested we do a weekend away in a big house somewhere with friends as a joint hen/stag do and after some chat, me and DP agreed, and thanked best man for suggesting it and organising etc. It's much more our style, lots of sport and cooking, less partying/drinking/penis straws/strippers. So far, so good.

Me and DP agreed we wouldn't invite children. I had a miscarriage earlier this year, and although I'm 90% fine and our friends have some really lovely kids - I'm not really sure I want to spend the stag/hen do setting up activities to suit young children while I'm still childless and sad about it.

My DP was talking to his best man who said 'if you don't have children Mrs best man won't be able to come because our daughter can't be left with anyone else' - I can't imagine it was a guilt trip type thing but that he said it in quite a factual way. I don't know him that well but from what I know of him a guilt-trip just isn't his style. I'm not annoyed with him.

My DP instantly said 'oh no, we'll deff want Mrs best man there - I'll speak to MrsKane and sort it out'. Sigh. So now I think I've got a few options.

1. Get on with it, invite kids and suck it up.
2. Tell DP to have a stag do without me - I'll do something else with my friends.
3. Accept I'm going to look like the bad guy who banned kids and Mrs best man from the stag/hen do.

I think I'll end up going with 1 because the other options just make me look a bit petty - but AIBU to be a bit pissed off with DP? I never asked to have a joint hen/stag do - when it was suggested I specifically asked whether he'd rather do something with his friends where he didn't have to worry about accommodating me he said he'd rather have me and our friends from my side there.

[MrsAldoKane]

@2bazookas

The "do " is for you and DP.

Its absolutely fine to say "It's our do; and we really do NOT want any strippagrams, children, anchovies or porn",

Lol - exactly! I quite like anchovies but I'm on board with the rest of it...

[YellowTwinklyStar]

Best man sorry. But yes no.3

[Janaih]

Definitely option 3. It's a stag/hen weekend. Nobody in their right mind would want to bring kids.
Even if there is to be no rowdy behaviour and penis straws, children will massively change the dynamic. OP and her fiancé must be the main event.

[pigsDOfly]

Well, if you add children into the mix it's not going to be your sort of thing is it? So, not so much lots of sport and cooking, more lots of planning things that work around other people's children; even if it's only one child it will change the dynamic.

It's your hen do and your DP's stag do. Either do them separately or you ban children and the best man's wife can't come; it's not her hen do so if she can't come, so be it.

You and DP should be the people being considered here. If you don't want children to come, and I can't imagine why on earth anyone would want other people's children at their stag/hen do, children can't come.

Don't be over ruled about this.

[Betty000]

To be fair if Mrs BM’s DC cannot be looked after by anyone else then she’s hardly going to be able to enjoy any part of the weekend without her dc clinging to her. Do what makes you feel happy

[MrsAldoKane]

@katy1213

Your first instinct to do nothing was best. Why do you need a weekend away to celebrate your wedding? Surely turning up for your (child-free) wedding is celebration enough.

The wedding isn't child-free actually, although I can see why you think it would be. Also - to quote the old MN mantra - it's an invitation not a summons. If people don't want to come to the weekend away that's 100% up to them.

[MrsAldoKane]

Thanks everyone. I think I'll just show DP this thread later. Not sure what he'll think about my secret marriage to Aldo Kane, but I'm sure he'll get the gist when it comes to the weekend...

[GrumpyHoonMain]

Nobody brings a child to a stag / hen-do. Your DF was an idiot for even suggesting it. If kids are there nobody will be able to drink and then the whole vibe of the trip changes - and becomes more stressful for the childless people because they will have to adjust (not the other way round). And more stressful to the parents because they have to run around their kids all day.

Just tell your DF to turn it around on his mate and ask how a stag / hen do with kids would work, as he doesn’t want the hen-do part to be compromised by women left holding the baby when the guys have a drink. Because that is what happens on joint events where you invite kids - or worse the childless people will all go out for drinks leaving the mums behind. Every night. Lol

[Silverfly]

Could DP quietly mention the miscarriage to his best man so you don't look like the bad guy? I agree with other posters that you don't need to give a reason other than that you don't want children there - but it might help the best man and his wife understand your point of view.

[AryaStarkWolf]

Yep echoing the choir here, it's hen/stag trip, kids shouldn't be there, if the friend's wife can't go, so be it

[Thatisnotwhatisaid]

Shame for Mrs BM but she’ll have to stay behind or Mr BM can, whichever fits- maybe they could split the weekend in half or something. It may not be a penis straws and stripper kind of event but it’s still a bloody stag/hen do, not a family day out.

[JorisBonson]

Noone needs to say anything. It's a stag / hen do! Who on EARTH takes kids to one of those?? I'm flabbergasted it's even been mentioned.

[TheGlitterFairy]

option 3 - it's your weekend, why should you have to compromise.

[Sunshin388]

Option 3 or nothing at all for either of you. I'm already angry on your behalf. You already said you don't want separate hen/stag dos. Do NOT go for option 1. This is meant to be a party for YOU. DP needs to fucking get on board and stand by you, not make you the bad guy, wtf is wrong with him????

My wedding and everything around it slowly went from what I wanted to something accommodating everyone else and I ended up not even being able to look at my own wedding photos. Because no one stood up for me, because I didn't want to be the bad guy, so I accommodated everyone's request. Every request on its face was not unreasonable. But they add up and the more you give in, the easier it is to make even more concessions. Learn from others' mistakes amd stand your ground.

Bringing a child in this setting is an unreasonable suggestion.

[Brieminewine]

It’s a stag/hen do not a family weekend away!

Tell DP it’s adult only or you and the hens will do your own thing!

[DeciduousPerennial]

2 or 3.
I can’t believe stag put your OH on the spot and I can’t believe he then said he’d check with you.

Honestly.

[cabingirl]

Weddings are stressful enough without having to force yourself to put on a brave face through something that is making you uncomfortable.

Stick with option 3 but before that I agree with PP who said get DP to have a really good chat with best man about what he was thinking planning for the weekend in the first place. I have a sneaky feeling Mr Best Man wasn't planning to do any childcare himself but was thinking 'the boys' would go out and do some fun manly things while 'the girls' could have wine chats back at base while taking care of any kids there.

[Love51]

from the pov of a guest - I'd be annoyed to arrange childcare for my kids to attend an adult weekend and turn up to find there were kids present. I have some pent up swearing which needs to happen and I don't swear where kids are allowed.

[Allwokedup]

I’d only let best man kid be there. No other kids. One of my sisters bridesmaids tried to bring her daughter on our hen and I put her straight, and said it was a big drinking weekend not appropriate for a young child. They were fine with it.

[BitOfFun]

He said he'd check with you; he checked, you said it was adults only. Done.

[Turkishangora]

Stick with no kids. I made loads of concessions for my hen and wedding and neither ended up really being what I wanted. Also attended "no kids" weddings after sorting out childcare for my 2... To see people there with their kids. It's v annoying. I don't blame the wedding couple though...I think some people guilt trip you into stuff like that and you end up giving in as you want them there.

Conversely it is really hard for couples with kids of there's literally no one else to have them. This is the situation for some people, esp if the kids wake up at night wanting their parents.

[Cantrecall]

Omg no. Who wants kids at a hen/stag do what a ridiculous suggestion.

Absolutely do not give in!

[FlyingBum]

Option 3. Would other couples even want to come if there were going to be kids there? It totally changes the dynamic - fitting around lunch/dinner/bed times, not making too much noise once they're in bed, getting woken up early by other people's kids. No thanks. If I was going away for the weekend without my kids I definitely wouldn't want to be stuck with someone else's!

[YoniAndGuy]

Your DP has fucked up.

I can guarantee you that if you DO allow kids, you will piss a whole load more people off than Mrs Can'tBePartedFromDD. It will completely change the entire weekend.

Ok when everyone has kids. Not ok otherwise.

Tell DH to speak to BestMan and be clear that HE spoke too soon and no, it's not going to be suitable for children: yes there will be late nights, loudness, drunkenness or, more importantly, the option to be free to do those things without 'Shh! Emmeline is in bed! ' being an issue. It's an adult's weekend party, the end.

Just No!!!

[YellowTwinklyStar]

@Silverfly

Could DP quietly mention the miscarriage to his best man so you don't look like the bad guy? I agree with other posters that you don't need to give a reason other than that you don't want children there - but it might help the best man and his wife understand your point of view.

DP has already made a mess of it, OP shouldn't have to have her personal business shared becuase DP didn't think.