Weekend away and other people's kids

[MrsAldoKane]

Me and DP are getting married and we weren't going to bother with stag and hen parties because of covid and not knowing what's likely to happen - plus we're just not really party people.

His best man asked DP if he was sure though, and offered to organise something anyway, even if we had to postpone. Best man suggested we do a weekend away in a big house somewhere with friends as a joint hen/stag do and after some chat, me and DP agreed, and thanked best man for suggesting it and organising etc. It's much more our style, lots of sport and cooking, less partying/drinking/penis straws/strippers. So far, so good.

Me and DP agreed we wouldn't invite children. I had a miscarriage earlier this year, and although I'm 90% fine and our friends have some really lovely kids - I'm not really sure I want to spend the stag/hen do setting up activities to suit young children while I'm still childless and sad about it.

My DP was talking to his best man who said 'if you don't have children Mrs best man won't be able to come because our daughter can't be left with anyone else' - I can't imagine it was a guilt trip type thing but that he said it in quite a factual way. I don't know him that well but from what I know of him a guilt-trip just isn't his style. I'm not annoyed with him.

My DP instantly said 'oh no, we'll deff want Mrs best man there - I'll speak to MrsKane and sort it out'. Sigh. So now I think I've got a few options.

1. Get on with it, invite kids and suck it up.
2. Tell DP to have a stag do without me - I'll do something else with my friends.
3. Accept I'm going to look like the bad guy who banned kids and Mrs best man from the stag/hen do.

I think I'll end up going with 1 because the other options just make me look a bit petty - but AIBU to be a bit pissed off with DP? I never asked to have a joint hen/stag do - when it was suggested I specifically asked whether he'd rather do something with his friends where he didn't have to worry about accommodating me he said he'd rather have me and our friends from my side there.

[Springsnake]

My dh sister got married and decided no kids ,mine were young and , no one would look after them ( SEN ) so I couldn’t go ..I was sad, love a meal out ...but nothing could be done .it was her day.
It needs to be the day you want op 100%.don’t be guilt tripped in to anything other than what you want xx

[Mistressinthetulips]

@Hardbackwriter people like thehorsethatneverbolted fail to understand that some people have different circumstances to them - perfectly possible to never have a weekend away with the dc when they are young, not everyone lives round the corner from a willing relative

[Hardbackwriter]

[quote Mistressinthetulips]@Hardbackwriter people like thehorsethatneverbolted fail to understand that some people have different circumstances to them - perfectly possible to never have a weekend away with the dc when they are young, not everyone lives round the corner from a willing relative [/quote]
I just find it a bit bizarre that if anyone posts on MN saying they expect family to provide childcare they're told they're entitled CFs, but that if they say they don't have childcare then they're making it up and just can't be bothered. My parents actually do help us with childcare to help with working - for which I'm really grateful - but have made it clear that having children who still need night feeds and who don't reliably sleep through overnight is not something they're up for, and consequently have had DS1 exactly once overnight, while I gave birth to DS2 - surely they're not the only grandparents in the UK to feel this way?!

[nanbread]

Just do something separate. You can still hire a house, just a smaller one.

[Sparechange]

“ So you’re telling us that mr and Mrs best man never get to go away for the weekend? They will have SOMEONE that can have the problem child I bet you. It’s just easier for them to have kids included. I speak from experience here. If they really wanted a kid free break they would have one trust me.”

We’ve never had a weekend away since DS was born. He is 3.5 now

We literally have no one who could look after him.
That doesn’t make him a problem child.

It makes us a couple with no family on my side, and parents that live abroad on DHs side

[gottakeeponmovin]

I think Mrs Best Man is being stupid. If it was just friends going away I think it would be different and you need to accept that other people have kids and they are part of their family. That doesn't change because you've had a miscarriage. However if this is a stag and hen do then I absolutely wouldn't want to have kids there either and I think that's fair.

[Liverbird77]

@Sparechange that's an unfair assumption.
We have nobody to look after our children and have never been away by ourselves. We don't even go out for a dinner or coffee by ourselves.
That's just the way it is. I am not complaining because we are happy with the family we chose to have. I have had to decline even attending a friend's wedding because it isn't logistically possible with nap/dinner time.

[Liverbird77]

@Sparechange sorry...I see now you were quoting someone else. We are in the same boat!

[gottakeeponmovin]

If you don't have family around it is impossible to get someone to look after your child

[florababy84]

@thehorsealreadybolted It's so strange that you think everyone has someone to leave their children with for an entire weekend. That's a massive favour to ask, even of family. I guess you could pay to leave them with a babysitter or nanny but that might be beyond their budget for a whole weekend.

[hazandduck]

Ok I only read up to page 5-6 so maybe someone has already suggested this, do you reckon the best man really wants a stag do with his best mate one last time before he’s married, he pushed for it after all, so maybe he used his kid having to come as a way to push you to say no to the combined hen/stag in the hope of getting a regular men only stag do to organise? Your DP may even be in on it 😆

Anyone in their right mind will know nobody would go for what he suggested! Of course kids don’t go on hen/stags!

I know you don’t want a regular hen do, I am teetotal so didn’t have a massively boozy one but I did have a lovely weekend with my best friends in a big house, just us girls, we ate junk, had a hot tub, played games, chatted, afternoon tea, pampered. It was like a big sleepover that got me really excited for the wedding. You don’t have to write one off for yourself as they really don’t have to be L Plates and sashes if it’s not your thing.

[Blondeshavemorefun]

So @MrsAldoKane. What’s the outcome

[thehorsealreadybolted]

I took the “can’t be left with anyone else” as one of those kids who kicks off if they’re not with their mother. This is something that happens a lot especially when the child is pandered to. Kids that have to be left at nursery etc by working parents are seldom like this. It’s something that the couple need to sort really or they’re making a rod for their own backs. Yes some people don’t have readily available child care for every whim but I must have just been lucky to have friends and family who would do, if it was something out of the ordinary like a wedding or special event.

[xmb53]

Your wedding, your weekend. Invite who you want. Up to them if they go or not.

[Hardbackwriter]

I must have just been lucky to have friends and family who would do, if it was something out of the ordinary like a wedding or special event.

Yes, you are! Bizarre that you can't conceive that not everyone has. Thanks for the parenting tips, though - so sorry that I've spoilt my newborn so that he brattishly demands breastfeeding. I really must stop pandering to him.

[CattingTime]

But for everyone saying some people don't have childcare/family/money for babysitters -

Surely you would simply decline the invite? Not expect to bring children along on a hen/stag weekend?

I'd have no issue with people declining, that's absolutely fair enough. But I would have an issue with someone asking to bring their kids to an adult event.

[Hardbackwriter]

@CattingTime

But for everyone saying some people don't have childcare/family/money for babysitters -

Surely you would simply decline the invite? Not expect to bring children along on a hen/stag weekend?

I'd have no issue with people declining, that's absolutely fair enough. But I would have an issue with someone asking to bring their kids to an adult event.

Totally agreed - but it's not clear that this couple have asked to bring the child, just said that they won't both come if children aren't invited. I do think it's odd that they didn't phrase it as 'since children obviously won't be coming Mrs BM won't be there' so maybe they are angling for an invite for the child, in which case they're very unreasonable, but we (and OP, who wasn't actually there for the conversation) aren't sure. It isn't inherently an obvious lie or a self-indulgence to say that they can't both come and have someone else take the kids, though, as some posters have insisted.

[noscoobydoodle]

I've missed lots of events, weddings, hen did etc to look after my kids. My husband has too. We don't have another option for overnight childcare so if it's an adult event that involves an overnight then one of us misses out. I wouldn't expect to take the kids and quite frankly I get to go out to adult only events so infrequently that i'd be gutted if I arrived at a hen do to find little kids there. This reflects the experience of my friends so maybe Mrs BM would think the same too (I'm not sure if you asked my husband he would have a clue). I would say no kids allowed- if it's not far away maybe Mrs BM can get a babysitter/family to watch her children and come for a fee hours (I've done that before for a similar event) but that's for her to work out.

[Ofallthethings]

Option 3. It's your stag/hen, you don't need to accommodate children if you don't want them there, mrs bestman or bestman can't come.
Don't be bulldozed into this, you only get one of these.

[Moulesvinrouge1]

@thehorsealreadybolted

So you’re telling us that mr and Mrs best man never get to go away for the weekend? They will have SOMEONE that can have the problem child I bet you. It’s just easier for them to have kids included. I speak from experience here. If they really wanted a kid free break they would have one trust me. And if they really cant, well they have made their kid like that so they are the ones that must suck it up - not you

This is just goady and nasty so I’m going to ignore you. If you read the thread you’ll understand that the world is bigger than your extremely limited ‘experience’. I don’t think Mrs BM probably was angling for her kid to be invited. But, as painstakingly explained, not everyone has someone who can babysit. You are very silly, go away.

[nanbread]

@thehorsealreadybolted can't seem to imagine a reality different to their own... we were DESPERATE for a kid free break and it took us 7 years to get one.

[thehorsealreadybolted]

“I’m going to ignore you” whilst replying directly to me. You’re hilarious

[SnackSizeRaisin]

Part of having young children is accepting that you will have to turn down a lot of social events. On the other hand most people with young children don't have childcare that can have them.over night. So if you have several friends who have young children, and you would want both the man and the woman to come, you are going to have a problem.
I don't think anyone will be offended at no children, but it will probably mean few of the mothers will come, so if that's an issue then plan separate events for men and women.

[SnackSizeRaisin]

I took the “can’t be left with anyone else” as one of those kids who kicks off if they’re not with their mother

You are pretty obviously not a parent yourself! For a start it's a big ask to leave a child for a whole weekend, even with a relative. The relative will probably have to cancel all their own plans. It's probably too much for a lot of grandparents. The family may be too far away or even abroad or the person may not have any family. Many parents will not feel comfortable leaving a child under 5 or so for that long. Plus it's quite disruptive to the child as well. Leaving a young child with friends for a whole weekend is unlikely to be an option until the child is secondary school age. Especially for something like a stag do. Obviously people are willing to put themselves out more for a medical emergency.