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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Weekend away and other people's kids

251 replies

MrsAldoKane · 20/04/2021 16:05

Me and DP are getting married and we weren't going to bother with stag and hen parties because of covid and not knowing what's likely to happen - plus we're just not really party people.

His best man asked DP if he was sure though, and offered to organise something anyway, even if we had to postpone. Best man suggested we do a weekend away in a big house somewhere with friends as a joint hen/stag do and after some chat, me and DP agreed, and thanked best man for suggesting it and organising etc. It's much more our style, lots of sport and cooking, less partying/drinking/penis straws/strippers. So far, so good.

Me and DP agreed we wouldn't invite children. I had a miscarriage earlier this year, and although I'm 90% fine and our friends have some really lovely kids - I'm not really sure I want to spend the stag/hen do setting up activities to suit young children while I'm still childless and sad about it.

My DP was talking to his best man who said 'if you don't have children Mrs best man won't be able to come because our daughter can't be left with anyone else' - I can't imagine it was a guilt trip type thing but that he said it in quite a factual way. I don't know him that well but from what I know of him a guilt-trip just isn't his style. I'm not annoyed with him.

My DP instantly said 'oh no, we'll deff want Mrs best man there - I'll speak to MrsKane and sort it out'. Sigh. So now I think I've got a few options.

  1. Get on with it, invite kids and suck it up.
  2. Tell DP to have a stag do without me - I'll do something else with my friends.
  3. Accept I'm going to look like the bad guy who banned kids and Mrs best man from the stag/hen do.

I think I'll end up going with 1 because the other options just make me look a bit petty - but AIBU to be a bit pissed off with DP? I never asked to have a joint hen/stag do - when it was suggested I specifically asked whether he'd rather do something with his friends where he didn't have to worry about accommodating me he said he'd rather have me and our friends from my side there.

OP posts:
TroubleUsedToBeMyBusiness · 20/04/2021 19:00

I really really wouldn't suck it up. You need to be 100% comfortable with what you propose. Fwiw I think you need to take a big step back and decide if this is really going to be what you want anyway

HollowTalk · 20/04/2021 19:00

It's hard to believe that people think children should be there at this sort of weekend.

ineedaholidaynow · 20/04/2021 19:00

Who would be organising the guest list for this weekend away?

AnxiousWeirdo · 20/04/2021 19:08

Wait.... What? Since when are children even considered on stag / hen dos?!?

Iwanttomakepartner · 20/04/2021 19:08

“ I have small children and the idea of going away to a stay in a house with mine and other people's small children after spending the last year locked in a house with my own children is my idea of hell”

Yep.

No kids.

HollowTalk · 20/04/2021 19:10

Wouldn't you assume the best man's wife would say, "FFS it's their stag do, they won't want our children there?"

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 20/04/2021 19:11

I’m not sure I would really think of this as a stag and hen do. If I was invited to think I’d just see it as a group of friends going away. Childfree if that’s what organisers want and people going are happy with and able to do, but just a nice social activity. I wouldn’t go expecting raucous hen type activities. So I think focussing on whether it’s appropriate or normal to have kids on a stag or hen do is kind of irrelevant. It’s whether they’re invited to this particular getaway and, if they’re not, whether that means in reality that a lot of people won’t come.

therocinante · 20/04/2021 19:18

Your DH dropped the ball a bit here. Shame Mrs BM can't come but it's a completely valid reason, I'd go with option 3.

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 20/04/2021 19:19

In fact the more I read of the thread the more confused I am. OP is at pains to say she and her fiancée aren’t party people and so don’t want the usual stag/hen do set up, but then everyone is up in arms that you can’t take kids on stag or hen dos. I thought the whole point of the gathering was that it wasn’t that kind of event. So it just comes down to whether or not OP and her partner would prefer to open it up to kids or not, weighing it up against the possibility that I’m reality having no kids means it’s unlikely all the friends will come. So just decide and let people know and then wait and see how many commit to coming. It’s really not a big deal and I’m struggling to understand all the hoo-ha. Best man just factually said his wife (unsurprisingly) wouldn’t be able to come and the partner said he’d chat to OP about it. So have a chat, make a decision and let him know what you decide. Really no need for all the drama!

It sounds to me like actually Op just wishes she could have a chilled friendly weekend away with all their friends but is struggling with the reality that couples with young children generally don’t do that stuff in the same way anymore. It must be tough if you want kids and have had a miscarriage OP but your friends are at different points and you have to be realistic that planning a whole weekend away with both of all couples but no kids is going to be really tricky. Just decide what’s most important to you and crack on without all the drama!

TedMullins · 20/04/2021 19:24

Whether they’re calling it a stag and hen do or a weekend away or a non-party is irrelevant - they don’t want kids there and that’s fine! Some parents will be able to make arrangements to have them looked after, others won’t. Them’s the breaks. They’re at different life stages and that’s fine but that doesn’t mean OP is unreasonable to want to prioritise childfree activities and friends. It’s kind of inevitable friendships will change and drift when some people have kids and others don’t. It isn’t an affront to anyone, it’s just working around different situations. In this instance, the OP and fiancé want a childfree gathering so it’s up to others to work around them or decline the invite. I’m sure on other occasions OP would be happy to see her friends with kids in tow.

BorderlineHappy · 20/04/2021 19:34

Im having flashback to the one who brought her dd and dh to the hen do.And then bagged the best room.

@MrsAldoKane is the friend with the dc your friend.Or is she coming cause her dh is going.

I would either do 3 or 4 and cancel the wole thing.

I can guess why they suggested it and then casually dropped that nugget in about not being able to be away from dc.

EL8888 · 20/04/2021 19:37

3 all the way. Children will kill the vibe and dynamic of the weekend

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/04/2021 19:47

@MrsAldoKane

Me and DP are getting married and we weren't going to bother with stag and hen parties because of covid and not knowing what's likely to happen - plus we're just not really party people.

His best man asked DP if he was sure though, and offered to organise something anyway, even if we had to postpone. Best man suggested we do a weekend away in a big house somewhere with friends as a joint hen/stag do and after some chat, me and DP agreed, and thanked best man for suggesting it and organising etc. It's much more our style, lots of sport and cooking, less partying/drinking/penis straws/strippers. So far, so good.

Me and DP agreed we wouldn't invite children. I had a miscarriage earlier this year, and although I'm 90% fine and our friends have some really lovely kids - I'm not really sure I want to spend the stag/hen do setting up activities to suit young children while I'm still childless and sad about it.

My DP was talking to his best man who said 'if you don't have children Mrs best man won't be able to come because our daughter can't be left with anyone else' - I can't imagine it was a guilt trip type thing but that he said it in quite a factual way. I don't know him that well but from what I know of him a guilt-trip just isn't his style. I'm not annoyed with him.

My DP instantly said 'oh no, we'll deff want Mrs best man there - I'll speak to MrsKane and sort it out'. Sigh. So now I think I've got a few options.

  1. Get on with it, invite kids and suck it up.
  2. Tell DP to have a stag do without me - I'll do something else with my friends.
  3. Accept I'm going to look like the bad guy who banned kids and Mrs best man from the stag/hen do.

I think I'll end up going with 1 because the other options just make me look a bit petty - but AIBU to be a bit pissed off with DP? I never asked to have a joint hen/stag do - when it was suggested I specifically asked whether he'd rather do something with his friends where he didn't have to worry about accommodating me he said he'd rather have me and our friends from my side there.

So the situation is :
  1. Neither of you wanted hen/stag do's
  2. His best man did
  3. Neither of you wanted children at the do the best man instigated
  4. His best man did

I'm sensing a pattern here ...

Seriously, revert to your original plan - no hen/stag.

Titterofwit · 20/04/2021 19:49

I cant think of anything worse than a house party with lots of people I dont know. I wouldnt accept an invitation like this personally and dont know many who would. Being in a house with men you do know is bad enough but you know that the men would opt out of all housekeeping activities and the ladies would get t run round after them since most of them wouldnt have their other halves with them.
As the PP said separate accommodation might work .House party no.

Dontbeme · 20/04/2021 19:54

@MrsAldoKane Take option 5, you stay home and let your DP "enjoy" a weekend of hangovers in a house full of other people's kids screaming the place down first thing in the morning. He will learn a valuable lesson about keeping his mouth shut. Your best man sounds like a chancer.

BeeDavis · 20/04/2021 19:56

It’s her problem she can’t bear to leave her children.. if she can’t come, she can’t come! Don’t know why she’d think you have to accommodate her life choices for your wedding celebrations!

MixedUpFiles · 20/04/2021 20:00

It sounds like OP and Best Man just envisioned very different weekends. Not sure where the fiancé lands. Best Man is clearly in the family friend weekend trip camp and not really thinking of this as a stag/hen per se.

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 20/04/2021 20:03

What a couple of drips. I bet if the precious kid can't come they will both pull out because We Come As A Family.

Coffeepot72 · 20/04/2021 20:07

@WhereYouLeftIt excellent summary of the situation

MaryIsA · 20/04/2021 20:08

@2bazookas

The "do " is for you and DP.

Its absolutely fine to say "It's our do; and we really do NOT want any strippagrams, children, anchovies or porn",

But what’s a hen do without all those things ? [sad face]
bloodyhell19 · 20/04/2021 20:09

Option 3. MrBestMan would want to sharpen up and realize it's for you and your future DH, not a weekend getaway for his family.

CattingTime · 20/04/2021 20:14

@BorderlineHappy

Im having flashback to the one who brought her dd and dh to the hen do.And then bagged the best room.

@MrsAldoKane is the friend with the dc your friend.Or is she coming cause her dh is going.

I would either do 3 or 4 and cancel the wole thing.

I can guess why they suggested it and then casually dropped that nugget in about not being able to be away from dc.

I remember that one!! Is it in Classics? It was excellent.
Caterina99 · 20/04/2021 20:16

Does Mrs Best Man even WANT to come? Like is she your friend? I wouldn’t particularly want to go on a weekend away with DHs friends and their partners( who are perfectly nice) and I absolutely wouldn’t want to bring my kids. That just sounds like me stuck looking after the kids while he has a nice time with his mates. I might as well do that at home.

Different if Mrs Best Man is a close friend of yours!

And also no I’d not want to go on a weekend away with other people’s children. Or bring mine to a stag/hen weekend

BrownEyedGirl80 · 20/04/2021 20:22

3.Sorry best man we've had a talk about it and we really want a child free trip.Really looking forward to seeing Mrs best man and kids at wedding though Smile

osbertthesyrianhamster · 20/04/2021 20:24

I can guess why they suggested it and then casually dropped that nugget in about not being able to be away from dc.

Yep. That's why I'd go with option 4. MrBestMan is envisioning a family weekend away. This isn't going to fly. You didn't want a do anyhow. So just him the two of you have done more thinking about it and would prefer no do's at all.

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