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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Weekend away and other people's kids

251 replies

MrsAldoKane · 20/04/2021 16:05

Me and DP are getting married and we weren't going to bother with stag and hen parties because of covid and not knowing what's likely to happen - plus we're just not really party people.

His best man asked DP if he was sure though, and offered to organise something anyway, even if we had to postpone. Best man suggested we do a weekend away in a big house somewhere with friends as a joint hen/stag do and after some chat, me and DP agreed, and thanked best man for suggesting it and organising etc. It's much more our style, lots of sport and cooking, less partying/drinking/penis straws/strippers. So far, so good.

Me and DP agreed we wouldn't invite children. I had a miscarriage earlier this year, and although I'm 90% fine and our friends have some really lovely kids - I'm not really sure I want to spend the stag/hen do setting up activities to suit young children while I'm still childless and sad about it.

My DP was talking to his best man who said 'if you don't have children Mrs best man won't be able to come because our daughter can't be left with anyone else' - I can't imagine it was a guilt trip type thing but that he said it in quite a factual way. I don't know him that well but from what I know of him a guilt-trip just isn't his style. I'm not annoyed with him.

My DP instantly said 'oh no, we'll deff want Mrs best man there - I'll speak to MrsKane and sort it out'. Sigh. So now I think I've got a few options.

  1. Get on with it, invite kids and suck it up.
  2. Tell DP to have a stag do without me - I'll do something else with my friends.
  3. Accept I'm going to look like the bad guy who banned kids and Mrs best man from the stag/hen do.

I think I'll end up going with 1 because the other options just make me look a bit petty - but AIBU to be a bit pissed off with DP? I never asked to have a joint hen/stag do - when it was suggested I specifically asked whether he'd rather do something with his friends where he didn't have to worry about accommodating me he said he'd rather have me and our friends from my side there.

OP posts:
Moulesvinrouge1 · 20/04/2021 22:32

Btw obviously as I have no childcare I just wouldn’t go rather than insist we all came along together.

But was the best man really angling for the weekend to include his children? Sounds like he was just stating a fact, as I have done many many times - got no childcare so can’t come, thanks for the invite, have fun!

VikingsandDragons · 20/04/2021 22:37

I adore my kids, but there is absolutely no chance I'd want to go on a weekend away in a big house with other people's! That just sounds stressful, without even considering it's a stag and hen do, which isn't a family event! The only size child I'd consider is a non mobile baby, because they mostly sleep and you can still have an adult conversation without worrying they're going to go into school on Monday and tell the joke about the girl from Nantucket.

BessMarvin · 20/04/2021 22:47

Wow there are some vicious comments on here about the wife being precious and not being able to leave their child. All she's done is know she needs to stay at home. We don't know why, child could be too young or have no one to look after them. She hasn't (from the information we have) demanded to bring them.

Moulesvinrouge1 · 21/04/2021 06:43

@BessMarvin

Wow there are some vicious comments on here about the wife being precious and not being able to leave their child. All she's done is know she needs to stay at home. We don't know why, child could be too young or have no one to look after them. She hasn't (from the information we have) demanded to bring them.
Totally. Some people have a strange combination of wanting to be spiteful about other women for fun plus totally lacking the imagination to think of a situation other than their own.
TolkiensFallow · 21/04/2021 06:56

Sounds like your DP meant well and probably just panicked in an what he felt was an awkward situation.

Personally I turn down child free things all the time, not because I can’t be parted from them but because I literally have no one to look after them. I suppose I could pay a professional to look after them but it would make the event unaffordable so I choose not to do it.

BUT I don’t expect anyone to change their plans and I’m not trying to guilt trip them, it’s just telling them my decision. Mr Best Man might have been just stating a fact and DP found it awkward so tried to resolve it.

Mistressinthetulips · 21/04/2021 07:04

@Livpool

3 - it's your weekend not theirs.

I love DS but a weekend without him and some friends sounds amazing. I'd day toodles to him and DH. And would wave DH off if it was vice versa

I'm not disagreeing with you but it would be so much easier to wave goodbye while you head off to a hen, and the next weekend dh to a stag, than an event that requires you both there at once. I could get an overnight child place about once a year, so I could use it for a wedding OR a pre-wedding weekend, but not both.
Looubylou · 21/04/2021 07:07

Don't know why you agreed to the whole thing to be honest - sounds like it's all about what BM wants. First instincts are usually best, rather than being talked into something else. If it goes ahead, hope you have a fab time.

Blondeshavemorefun · 21/04/2021 07:30

Is it a couple weekend or your hen his stag

Would Mrs best man be coming to your hen do

No kids at hen stag weekends

You can’t drink swear chill of kids

StCharlotte · 21/04/2021 08:35

I've been on a few trips like this. There's always some poor lone child that everyone feels they have to entertain. Anything but Option 1.

Liverbird77 · 21/04/2021 08:39

If I was Mrs Best man, and it was a party for my husband's friends, I'd not go.
I think they should respect the fact you said no kids, just as you'd respect the fact they can't both go.
I think you should stand firm. If necessary, your husband can explain the reasons to his friends.

Abouttimemum · 21/04/2021 08:50

We don’t really have anyone to look after DS so I’d probably just tell DH to go on his own. I’d have no desire to take him on such a weekend anyway!
Not everyone has access to childcare, but it shouldn’t spoil a weekend which should be all about you and DH.

Tooshytoshine · 21/04/2021 09:11

Do something separate... This holiday can happen at a different time after you are married.

A holiday with kids is a holiday for kids.

netstaller · 21/04/2021 09:13

It's your party you do what you want.

Pinkpeanut27 · 21/04/2021 17:43

100% have no children there if you don’t want them and do t feel bad . It’s not your problem to sort out child care . We often struggled for childcare when ours were young . In fact in 18 years we have probably had 6 nights away . That’s just how it is and I’m fine with it and also with the things I’ve missed . I can imagine that a weekends way with a child that ‘ can’t be left ‘ will also not include activities that child can’t do or food that child can’t eat ! You say it’s going to be sporty but I’m guessing you were not thinking bouncy castles and play grounds !
You didn’t really want anything

Spaceshiphaslanded · 21/04/2021 17:44

Mrs best man doesn’t want to come. This is her get out. Choose option 3. Enjoy x

Sparkletastic · 21/04/2021 17:45

OPTION 3
OPTION 3
OPTION 3
OPTION 3

Tessabelle74 · 21/04/2021 17:45

How can Mrs Best Man have a good time with her child there? YANBU to not want children there, totally different dynamic than an adults only trip

readingismycardio · 21/04/2021 17:47

Option 3. I know it's hard, i'm non confrontational too (🤡), but this weekend is about YOU and DP. That's it.

Re weddings: we did exactly what we WANTED and got some eye rolls (one of my so called friends ended up not coming) and it was the best day ever and I am so happy I did it our way.

jwpetal · 21/04/2021 17:54

This is the time to start standing up for what you want. Not in a diva way but in a way that says this does not work for me. Trust your instincts and who you are. I think a weekend away with children as a hen/stag do is not something for you. It is something for everyone else. It will turn out a weekend about the children. Just say no. Or make a decision for yourself and be clear and strong. Wishy washy people pleasing is not an option.

C152 · 21/04/2021 18:05

Go with option 3, or just cancel the event, say you've re-thought it and decided it's not quite right for you guys right now.

Don't do anything because you're afraid of how others may view you.

Noshowlomo · 21/04/2021 18:25

Your way or no way OP. It’s your event!
I wouldn’t take my son- husband can stay home

DontBeRidiculous · 21/04/2021 18:37

By all means, let your partner know that you want an adults-only weekend away! You're not excluding kids from your wedding, so Mrs. Best Man and anyone else who can't come because they have no-one to watch their children can come and enjoy the wedding, instead.

Kids change the dynamic, and some of them (and their parents) have a way of making everything about them. That would be a totally different kind fo weekend, and that's not what you agreed to or want. That's fair!

cherish123 · 21/04/2021 18:40

Why do people need to bring spouses? If you want spouses, it's difficult not to have kids. I would not leave my DC for a whole weekend.

Herecomesspring1 · 21/04/2021 18:52

@MrsAldoKane Grin

What was the outcome of this? What option did you go for?

And how did he take to you being Mrs Aldo Kane?

Oblomov21 · 21/04/2021 18:55

3

Get Dh to tell him: "Actually I've talked to OP and we would like it to remain child free. So if it's just you that's ok. We can arrange to do something with Mrs best man another time".

"In the meantime sort it out mate, your kid can't be left with anyone else? FFS"

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