Weekend away and other people's kids

[MrsAldoKane]

Me and DP are getting married and we weren't going to bother with stag and hen parties because of covid and not knowing what's likely to happen - plus we're just not really party people.

His best man asked DP if he was sure though, and offered to organise something anyway, even if we had to postpone. Best man suggested we do a weekend away in a big house somewhere with friends as a joint hen/stag do and after some chat, me and DP agreed, and thanked best man for suggesting it and organising etc. It's much more our style, lots of sport and cooking, less partying/drinking/penis straws/strippers. So far, so good.

Me and DP agreed we wouldn't invite children. I had a miscarriage earlier this year, and although I'm 90% fine and our friends have some really lovely kids - I'm not really sure I want to spend the stag/hen do setting up activities to suit young children while I'm still childless and sad about it.

My DP was talking to his best man who said 'if you don't have children Mrs best man won't be able to come because our daughter can't be left with anyone else' - I can't imagine it was a guilt trip type thing but that he said it in quite a factual way. I don't know him that well but from what I know of him a guilt-trip just isn't his style. I'm not annoyed with him.

My DP instantly said 'oh no, we'll deff want Mrs best man there - I'll speak to MrsKane and sort it out'. Sigh. So now I think I've got a few options.

1. Get on with it, invite kids and suck it up.
2. Tell DP to have a stag do without me - I'll do something else with my friends.
3. Accept I'm going to look like the bad guy who banned kids and Mrs best man from the stag/hen do.

I think I'll end up going with 1 because the other options just make me look a bit petty - but AIBU to be a bit pissed off with DP? I never asked to have a joint hen/stag do - when it was suggested I specifically asked whether he'd rather do something with his friends where he didn't have to worry about accommodating me he said he'd rather have me and our friends from my side there.

Option 3.
You sound sensible and won’t be offended if people with kids choose not to come.
Most people will jump at it!

I’m sorry for your loss

It’s a bit of an odd event all round though- why would you spend a weekend away together with a bunch of people who will all be at your wedding anyway and frame it as a pre-wedding “do”? Stags/hens don’t need to be raucous or tacky but is part of the idea not to have fun with your mates by yourself, in recognition of the fact that, once married, you will be even more likely to do everything together? To reminisce about the single fun you all used to have? To share hopes and fears about married life and get tips from the old hands? Nothing wrong with a fun couples’ weekend away but it’s a bit random to brand it as a stag/hen.

You can't exclude children from this kind of weekend away IMHO. It isn't stag or hen do. If you do then expect a number of people to turn down the invitation

As the mother of a child who also can’t be left with someone else I think you need to be very sensitive to this - they may both be desperate to be there but factually their child would need to be with them. You never truly know what other people’s circumstances are. I know that’s why you are contemplating options but I just wanted to stress it’s just not as simple when u are in this situation.

@MrsDoctorDear

Cancel that, it's a shit idea. Apart from kids there will be issues sharing costs, arguing over rooms and everything else.

Mr Best Man just fancies a weekend away with his family in a lovely big house which he doesn't want to pay for all by himself.

Yep! Been there, bought the tshirt. These days we'll do something like everyone has their own caravan/lodge/hotel or state room as a family or couple, but no more sharing a house/kitchen/bathroom/dividing up rooms, etc. Much less hassle.

And that way everyone pays for their own accommodation so no one person is stuck having used a credit card to book and having to chase money.

And then if one gets wind that another is bringing kids, there's all sorts of fallout.

Learned this lesson the hard way.

@KindChick

As the mother of a child who also can’t be left with someone else I think you need to be very sensitive to this - they may both be desperate to be there but factually their child would need to be with them. You never truly know what other people’s circumstances are. I know that’s why you are contemplating options but I just wanted to stress it’s just not as simple when u are in this situation.

But it is. MrsBestMan doesn't go. Or she goes and he does not. Or both don't go. That's the way it is. We have one that was very high needs when younger. You can't tell others to accommodate your child.

@KindChick

As the mother of a child who also can’t be left with someone else I think you need to be very sensitive to this - they may both be desperate to be there but factually their child would need to be with them. You never truly know what other people’s circumstances are. I know that’s why you are contemplating options but I just wanted to stress it’s just not as simple when u are in this situation.

She doesn't need to be sensitive - it's her hen do.

I'm a single parent and there have been many, many occasions where I haven't been able to go to things because I have no one (literally) to look after my children. And I suck it up. I'm a parent, that's the deal. I certainly don't expect my friends to change their plans for me.

3! It is ok to not want kids regardless and doubly so if you’re grieving a baby loss! It might help to tell them, but having been in exactly the same boat, I didn’t want to tell other people either. Once ended up in floods of tears in Waitrose on the way to see a friends’ new baby, I wanted to be happy for her, but I really wasn’t, I was just too sad at the loss & prospect of never having a family myself (currently have a 2.5 year old so I’m sure you WILL have a family, miscarriage is so common but it doesn’t make it any less shitty).

@KindChick totally disagree, it’s not a party for the child! I don’t get to go to things sometimes due to baby and also have worked hard to make sure I CAN leave my kiddo with someone else. This is just part of the deal with parenting. It’s not your job to make other people CHILDREN accommodated on your HEN night!!

@KindChick

As the mother of a child who also can’t be left with someone else I think you need to be very sensitive to this - they may both be desperate to be there but factually their child would need to be with them. You never truly know what other people’s circumstances are. I know that’s why you are contemplating options but I just wanted to stress it’s just not as simple when u are in this situation.

While you both might be desperate to be there, it's not about you. It just means that one of you can't go.

It's not fair to place that on the host in these circumstances.

It would also completely change the dynamics- will the parents try and dictate about food, meal times, activities depending on their age and particular needs. Would you need to be quiet after bed time etc.

Why would anyone want to take a child to a sten do?! The mind boggles. Some activities are for adults only and for very good reason. And it's ok that they are, children don't need to be invited to everything.

If I was your other friends I'd decline as I'd not want to go with a child.

If you want to go on a couples weekend away with no kids don’t expect couples with young children to come, some people might have a granny or a nanny but most don’t.

I think YABU because you think that not having children yourself means you can’t be near children and that’s not healthy.

He is rude asking. Who expects to bring kids to a stag and hen weekend.

@Franklyfrost

If you want to go on a couples weekend away with no kids don’t expect couples with young children to come, some people might have a granny or a nanny but most don’t.

I think YABU because you think that not having children yourself means you can’t be near children and that’s not healthy.

That's totally out of order and very rude to the OP. There's no kids there because it's an ADULTS weekend away. Not everything revolves around children.

As the mother of a child who also can’t be left with someone else I think you need to be very sensitive to this - they may both be desperate to be there but factually their child would need to be with them. You never truly know what other people’s circumstances are

It’s not your party. You don’t get to decide who can’t or can’t go. If you truely can’t leave the kids you stay home and look after them.

Option 3, tough shit! It’s your weekend!
Wtf brings kids to a stag/hen weekend?? What’s wrong with them?

Very happy to leave my little darlings and we pay for evening babysitting with no problem but it's difficult to find someone to do a whole weekend and very expensive.

For this sort of babysitting, you really need family or a nanny. It's not realistic to leave young children for a whole weekend with a complete stranger (or even a casual babysitter who you use occasionally).

Still don't think YABU to go with option 3 but the reality is that couples without grandparents or a helpful aunt (or uncle) nearby to babysit will need to nominate one person to stay at home.

As soon as you try and personalise things and “go your own way” it quickly becomes apparent why the majority do things a particular way!

Have separate evening or day only events. Single sex with just the friends you want to see. If you try and mash it up people get confused and issues like this arise.

I wouldn't attend a stag or hen do if I knew there were kids coming, I couldn't imagine anything worse, kids are banned for everyone, adults only

@KindChick

As the mother of a child who also can’t be left with someone else I think you need to be very sensitive to this - they may both be desperate to be there but factually their child would need to be with them. You never truly know what other people’s circumstances are. I know that’s why you are contemplating options but I just wanted to stress it’s just not as simple when u are in this situation.

No, absolutely not. Your friends are perfectly entitled to have childfree weekends away, especially for their stag and hen do! You chose to have a kid. Doesn’t mean your friends should always accommodate them. Either one of you goes or neither do.

Option 4. Cancel the whole thing and go with your first instinct to do nothing it have a quiet meal. As a mom to three young kids I find these invitations a nightmare...logistically I can't just drop everything required of me at a weekend after a crazy week at work. So I'd have to turn it down (and regularly do!). If by some chance I went, someone's random kid there would annoy we after I'd sorted my own logistics. I went on so many hen did in my early 20s when we were all at the same life stage...once people have kids it just can't be the same. A lovely meal out is easier to plan, can be totally inclusive and is proportionate...getting married is hardly like emigrating, you'll see your friends all the time after the wedding anyway! Just my opinion, but everyone's time and money is precious.

@FireflyRainbow

He is rude asking. Who expects to bring kids to a stag and hen weekend.

Yes. What a chancer. 'I'll organise it' but then pulls a stunt like this. That's why I'd go with option 4, cancel the whole thing.

I think YABU because you think that not having children yourself means you can’t be near children and that’s not healthy.

I have plenty of childfree friends who feel this way. There's nothing unhealthy about them. They don't want to be around kids.

Mine are older and I don't want to be around young children. That stage bored me to tears.

If I were going on a do like this and found out some were bringing toddlers and pre-schoolers, I'd cancel out. I like to do adult things now. Young children change the dynamic and I CBA'd with that any more.

@Franklyfrost

If you want to go on a couples weekend away with no kids don’t expect couples with young children to come, some people might have a granny or a nanny but most don’t.

I think YABU because you think that not having children yourself means you can’t be near children and that’s not healthy.

oh don’t be ridiculous. It doesn’t mean they ‘can’t be near kids’, it means they want an adult only event. If it means you can’t go then you can’t go! People’s kids are their babysitting arrangements are rightly not the priority when someone’s arranging their own party ffs!

"Me and DP are getting married and we weren't going to bother with stag and hen parties because of covid and not knowing what's likely to happen - plus we're just not really party people."..... remember this????

I ask again...who are you doing this for??🤔🤔

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