Weekend away and other people's kids

[MrsAldoKane]

Me and DP are getting married and we weren't going to bother with stag and hen parties because of covid and not knowing what's likely to happen - plus we're just not really party people.

His best man asked DP if he was sure though, and offered to organise something anyway, even if we had to postpone. Best man suggested we do a weekend away in a big house somewhere with friends as a joint hen/stag do and after some chat, me and DP agreed, and thanked best man for suggesting it and organising etc. It's much more our style, lots of sport and cooking, less partying/drinking/penis straws/strippers. So far, so good.

Me and DP agreed we wouldn't invite children. I had a miscarriage earlier this year, and although I'm 90% fine and our friends have some really lovely kids - I'm not really sure I want to spend the stag/hen do setting up activities to suit young children while I'm still childless and sad about it.

My DP was talking to his best man who said 'if you don't have children Mrs best man won't be able to come because our daughter can't be left with anyone else' - I can't imagine it was a guilt trip type thing but that he said it in quite a factual way. I don't know him that well but from what I know of him a guilt-trip just isn't his style. I'm not annoyed with him.

My DP instantly said 'oh no, we'll deff want Mrs best man there - I'll speak to MrsKane and sort it out'. Sigh. So now I think I've got a few options.

1. Get on with it, invite kids and suck it up.
2. Tell DP to have a stag do without me - I'll do something else with my friends.
3. Accept I'm going to look like the bad guy who banned kids and Mrs best man from the stag/hen do.

I think I'll end up going with 1 because the other options just make me look a bit petty - but AIBU to be a bit pissed off with DP? I never asked to have a joint hen/stag do - when it was suggested I specifically asked whether he'd rather do something with his friends where he didn't have to worry about accommodating me he said he'd rather have me and our friends from my side there.

[aliloandabanana]

I can see why you don't want children there but then you can't expect people with children to come as couples without their children - not everyone has babysitters on hand who can have their children overnight.

It sounds like it should be a weekend for adults but then it's unlikely to be a couples weekend, so I think you and your partner need to decide what you want it to be - is it you and your female friends and your partner and his male friends, or is your joint friends as couples? (Or whoever it is that's been invited already). To be honest, I'd find it odd if it was you and your female friends and your partner and his male friends, if I was the partner left at home!

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Option 3.

Would Mrs BM even have been invited on your hen?

I can see option 3 potentially being problematic though if there are a bunch of women (hens) in relationships and men (stags) in relationships in the same house without their partners though. Alcohol and all that...

[Notnownotneverever]

I would do option 2. And just say why don't you go and have a fun weekend with the boys. Then just have an evening meal out as a Hen. I have no idea why English Hen dos are such a horrendous nightmare. Just have a fun night out. Then the Best Man's partner/wife can come too because the Best Man will be around to stay with the child.
Also I don't think you are being petty at all. Do they know you had a miscarriage and you are struggling a little? Most people would understand that even if you only explain it to the Best Man.

[JorisBonson]

Totally agree @YoniAndGuy. I'd be fucked off if I turned up for a big weekend with my mates and there was kids there.

[Fairyliz]

If hes not booked anything yet I would say no to it and have separate stag/hen dos.

It doesn't have to be too much just a nice meal with friends at a good restaurant if you prefer something low key.

[jackstini]

100% no children!
It's your stag/hen dos - kids would totally screw up the chilled out point of it. I would imagine everyone else invited/going would be well pissed off to find out a child would be there - I would be!

If I found out before - I wouldn't go. If I found out when I arrived - I would be really annoyed

I would say 2 options:
1 - Separate weekends away - you with your friends & him with his

2 - Joint weekend away but no kids & either Mrs Best Man does not come or she and her husband come for 1 night each - only if it's close enough and she is a close enough friend to you

[Skyla2005]

Stags and hens all going away together is weird a anyway never mind with children aswell. Go out with your friends

[Blondiney]

No kids. Put your foot down!

[PussyCatEatingEasterEggs]

Option 3. Kids have no place at a stag/hen do, even if it's a "tame" one.

[Tash45]

I would choose 3, no brainier. Stop worrying about other people. I think best man was just being honest and straight so can you.

[Candyfloss99]

This is absolutely ridiculous. Of course children don't come to a hen /stag weekend.

[TedMullins]

The best man is bonkers. Why does everyone have to come as a couple? If you’re friends with both people in the couple then fair enough but it doesn’t sound like you know the wife well. Does your husband know her? If she can’t or won’t leave the child with anyone else then she stays home. Her husband can return the favour some other time when she wants to go out with her friends. I can’t believe it would even cross their minds that it would be a kids thing! If the best man then declares that if she can’t come he won’t come either/won’t organise it then you’re left with the option of organising something yourselves or sticking with the original plan of doing nothing.

[Belladonna12]

It's your party and if children are there it's not going to feel that way, especially if it makes you feel down. I would do either 2 or 3.

[Disfordarkchocolate]

Christ. Who invites their children on a stag/hen do? This is like the 'friends inviting themselves on honeymoon' thread but probably worse.

[PureAndEasy]

Your DH needs to go back to his best man and say he has been thinking about it and he does not want any children at his stag do. No need to involve you in this. It's his best man and his fault for not looking horrified the instant somebody suggested bringing kids on a stag do was a good idea.

[Jellybabiesforbreakfast]

It depends how big a problem this is going to be for your couple friends...

Totally your preference whether you go for option 2 or 3 (option 1 is a non-starter as your weekend will end up resembling a creche and utterly ruined).

If it's only Mrs Best Man who will be unable to come and you're not particularly close to her, go for option 3

If actually you're likely to end up with one "half" of every couple, as @Mummyoflittledragon said, that's likely to be an awkward dynamic and not much fun. In this case, go for option 2.

[Ambo21]

You know what? .... this is YOUR time.. you and your partner.. nobody else has to be accommodated... if you do not want a stag/hen party then do not be coerced into having one. Tell everyone you have talked it over together and have decided not to bother.. just have the wedding and honeymoon that YOU want.. for YOU.
There are few enough occasions in life when you can truly please yourselves without taking anyone else into consideration. Your wedding ( and associated arrangements) should be one of them.

[angieloumc]

@Allwokedup

I’d only let best man kid be there. No other kids. One of my sisters bridesmaids tried to bring her daughter on our hen and I put her straight, and said it was a big drinking weekend not appropriate for a young child. They were fine with it.

Not really fair to all the other parents who've had to find childcare or not come is it? You can't just let one child come and not others.
As most pp I'd go with option 3.

[HedgePutty]

Of course you don’t agree, it’s not a family holiday for your friends it’s for you, say if they want them there then you’re hav separate as you initially wanted.

[nancywhitehead]

Stag/ hen do's are surely one thing in life that are just inherently not child-friendly. Traditionally they are all about freedom and "adult time" before getting married.

If you're taking kids then it's just a holiday with friends. Completely different feel.

[Youdontknowwhatyoureonabout]

I wouldn’t want to go on a weekend away and spend it with other people’s kids.

3.

[thenewduchessofhastings]

@MrsAldoKane

There's always one "I can't possibly go anywhere without my little darling/darlings" guest

These people annoy me.I've 4 kids.Arranging a child free night or two away for something eg a wedding takes military style planning and may mean divvying up kids between family members etc but possible especially with advanced notice.

[Alfaix]

Option 3, although we had a no kids wedding that meant that Mrs Best Man and baby didn’t come! I didn’t like kids then.
I now have one but no way would I take him on a grown up stag/ hen weekend.

[MsTSwift]

Bloody cheek.

Though I am getting flashbacks to a thread a while ago where some loon took her toddler to a hen weekend...

[Baileys123]

Sounds like its a party for them not you