Weekend away and other people's kids

[MrsAldoKane]

Me and DP are getting married and we weren't going to bother with stag and hen parties because of covid and not knowing what's likely to happen - plus we're just not really party people.

His best man asked DP if he was sure though, and offered to organise something anyway, even if we had to postpone. Best man suggested we do a weekend away in a big house somewhere with friends as a joint hen/stag do and after some chat, me and DP agreed, and thanked best man for suggesting it and organising etc. It's much more our style, lots of sport and cooking, less partying/drinking/penis straws/strippers. So far, so good.

Me and DP agreed we wouldn't invite children. I had a miscarriage earlier this year, and although I'm 90% fine and our friends have some really lovely kids - I'm not really sure I want to spend the stag/hen do setting up activities to suit young children while I'm still childless and sad about it.

My DP was talking to his best man who said 'if you don't have children Mrs best man won't be able to come because our daughter can't be left with anyone else' - I can't imagine it was a guilt trip type thing but that he said it in quite a factual way. I don't know him that well but from what I know of him a guilt-trip just isn't his style. I'm not annoyed with him.

My DP instantly said 'oh no, we'll deff want Mrs best man there - I'll speak to MrsKane and sort it out'. Sigh. So now I think I've got a few options.

1. Get on with it, invite kids and suck it up.
2. Tell DP to have a stag do without me - I'll do something else with my friends.
3. Accept I'm going to look like the bad guy who banned kids and Mrs best man from the stag/hen do.

I think I'll end up going with 1 because the other options just make me look a bit petty - but AIBU to be a bit pissed off with DP? I never asked to have a joint hen/stag do - when it was suggested I specifically asked whether he'd rather do something with his friends where he didn't have to worry about accommodating me he said he'd rather have me and our friends from my side there.

[IrishMamaMia]

I think no. 3 and it should be no big deal.
Sounds much better suited to and adults weekend away.
There should be no bad feeling, you can always do another weekend away at some point if you all want to, post wedding.

[JorisBonson]

@MsTSwift

Bloody cheek.

Though I am getting flashbacks to a thread a while ago where some loon took her toddler to a hen weekend...

I remember that. Now I'm angry again.

[viques]

Option 3. You agree to one the floodgates will open.

[EasterEggBelly]

I don’t understand why Mrs best man can’t leave their child with someone? What is the reason? Is it a valid reason? If it is I’d suck it up.
If it isn’t I’d go with having my own do at the same time with my own friends and let your DP have a “fun” weekend whispering after 9pm so not to wake up the kids.

[IrishMamaMia]

I think you could also 'remember' some activities you have to include which are ridiculously unsuitable for children ;)

[MadMadMadamMim]

Don't make a big deal of it. Just say, Oh I'm sorry to hear Mrs BestMan might not be able to make it. I'm afraid it's adults only, though. Hope you can sort something out.

Don't budge. Be faintly surprised if you have to that anyone would believe that on an adult weekend away with friends you would want to include their child on it.

[MissLucyEyelesbarrow]

@YoniAndGuy

Your DP has fucked up.

I can guarantee you that if you DO allow kids, you will piss a whole load more people off than Mrs Can'tBePartedFromDD. It will completely change the entire weekend.

Ok when everyone has kids. Not ok otherwise.

Tell DH to speak to BestMan and be clear that HE spoke too soon and no, it's not going to be suitable for children: yes there will be late nights, loudness, drunkenness or, more importantly, the option to be free to do those things without 'Shh! Emmeline is in bed! ' being an issue. It's an adult's weekend party, the end.

Just No!!!

This with bells on. It is DP's fuck-up. DP gets to sort it.

[seashells11]

Imo there's no dilemma at all. No kids, that's it....

Imagine if it was just a hen weekend, kids wouldn't be going, nor for a stag weekend. Mrs best man can't go, it's no big deal.

[MayorGoodwaysChicken]

I understand you wanting it to be child free; however in reality the idea of a couples weekend away with all the adults and no kids just isn’t practical once most of your friends have kids. DH and I don’t have anyone we could leave our kids with for a weekend unless it was an emergency so one of us would have to stay behind. I imagine lots of other people may be similar. So I would expect to end up with one half of most of the couples there (probably the men) and the others at home. So while it’s a nice idea, I can only see it working well in most friendship groups if everyone is pre-kids. Be careful, you may find yourself on your husbands stag do with most of the women at home with the kids. If that’s a likely reality then I’d shelve the idea and do something separately. Also I would expect lots of drop outs last minute if both parents say they’re coming - a badly timed cold and the babysitting falls through etc etc

[1FootInTheRave]

I'd not be too impressed to turn up to a weekend away and find kids there.

[shouldistop]

I can't leave ds2 with anyone else as he's breastfed, I wouldn't expect to come to something like this, nor would I want to with kids in tow.
I can imagine a casual convo where dh might say "oh shouldi can't leave ds2 so she won't be coming" but he wouldn't be angling for it to be changed.
Could option 4 be that it's not brought up again, go ahead with the child free plans. I doubt they'll start questioning it.

[Floralnomad]

Your husband to be sounds like he needs to grow a spine , it was obviously supposed to be a child free event and he’s basically passed the buck so that you look like the bad guy . It’s a child free event , if they don’t want to come then they have the option .

[MattyGroves]

There's always one "I can't possibly go anywhere without my little darling/darlings" guest

There's no need for this. I literally don't have anyone who would take my children overnight. I would love a weekend off. Very happy to leave my little darlings and we pay for evening babysitting with no problem but it's difficult to find someone to do a whole weekend and very expensive.

That doesn't mean the OP should have kids on her hen weekend - of course it's reasonable for that to be childfree - but it's not the case that everyone has family to babysit at will.

[pictish]

It’s got to be a 3. 1 and 2 aren’t really options. I know it’s going to be difficult to say no...but if you don’t, the weekend is up the pole. Either that or cancel it. Don’t go along with it...it’s supposed to be a stag/hen weekend. You’d end up spending an arm and a leg on a weekend away with other people’s kids. I’d resent that and I think you would too.

[littlefireseverywhere]

If go with option 2 & work out what you do want, if anything!

[Aquagirl19]

Option 2 or 3. It's tough titty for mrs best man!

[Dacquoise]

In the words of the great Helen Mirren 'I wish I had told more people to fuck off'. Do exactly what is best for YOU and don't worry about awkward people. They're not thinking of you but what's best for them. Don't let them guilt you, unintentionally or not.

[MumW]

You're clearly going to struggle emotionally with the kids there, which is perfectly understandable and it's your right to say no, it's not what you want to do for your hen party which you weren't bothered about having anyway.
I'd say throw the ball back
1: Joint hen/stag with no children
2: DP can go off on the stag weekend with his mates and you'll happily stay at home (and invite your friends for dinner/drinks, if that's what you fancy)

[osbertthesyrianhamster]

I'd cancel the entire thing. You didn't want anything, and everything is dependent on Covid and tbh, these big do's rarely work well, too many parties and hurt feelings, squabbles over money, cooking, who gets one room.

Your DP to say, 'We've thought about it further and really don't want any sort of stag/hen do of any sort. Thanks for the offer, though.'

The end of all this type of stuff.

[Notaroadrunner]

If the others find out that this child is going I imagine a lot of them will be pulling out. There's no way in hell I'd go to a hen weekend if there were kids at it. Dh's friend is ridiculous to even think it would be an option. Tell your partner to call his friend and say he's copped on and realised that kids at a hen/stag do is absurd.

[MrsDoctorDear]

Cancel that, it's a shit idea. Apart from kids there will be issues sharing costs, arguing over rooms and everything else.

Mr Best Man just fancies a weekend away with his family in a lovely big house which he doesn't want to pay for all by himself.

[CattingTime]

No no no. No kids.

[TheVeryThing]

Some people seem to be assuming that all their friends are couples, meaning that only half their friends could attend?
Has OP said this somewhere and I've missed it?
That certainly wouldn't be the case for DH and I. While we might be friendly with our friends' partners they wouldn't necessarily be invited to a stag/hen do.
It's just one of those things when you have kids who can't be left or no childcare, only one person can go and it's not a big deal if one half of the couple is closer to the person.

[CandyLeBonBon]

@TokenGinger

This is a problem with your DP, rather than the BM and MrsBM. It sounds like he said it quite matter of factly, as in it's just one of those things. She might not even be too bothered about going. Just say to your DP you want to stick to the original plan.

If I was MrsBM in this situation, I really wouldn't mind staying home. We genuinely don't have anybody who could have DS overnight for us so we couldn't both go, and the idea of taking DS along and feeling stressed every time he's messing around, playing up etc., when everybody else just wants to relax wouldn't appeal to me at all. She might not want an enforced weekend away with DC in tow.

I'd honesty much rather my DP go along and enjoy himself and stay home with DS in his comfortable environment.

Yeah I'm the same. I had to forego things when mine were little because my eldest struggled with other people. It's hard but it's life sometimes.

And if I'd taken him, I'd have been worried about him not sleeping/making me a party pooper etc.

Sounds like best man knows what's what. You dp really shouldn't pressure you like this.

Sorry for your loss

[worksleep]

3 and don't feel bad it's a hen/stag weekend and I totally get how you feel after your miscarriage.