Partner only notices how much I do when I stop doing it

[WorkingStepMum90]

Hi All,

I've just had a blazing row with my SO around (surprise surprise!) housework. We went out for a walk and I made a comment about how I feel proud that I'm finally getting myself back into a routine. Like many others, I found the second lock-down extremely difficult. I had taken on my first management level role, signed up to an 18 month apprenticeship and had to juggle this with looking after my two step children. I also lost my Nan very recently who was a huge part of my life. It was just a lot and admittedly, my once regimented cleaning routine took a bit of a backseat.

When I mentioned how I thought this was going well, his response was "Yes, it's amazing how if you don't stay on top of the housework everything else seems to fall apart too." (meaning cooking, working out, shopping etc.) I'm not sure if I'm being overly sensitive here, but I was expecting something a little more supportive so my feelings were quite hurt. Firstly because I wouldn't have said things have 'fell apart' as such, I just had to make housework less of a priority with everything else we have going on. Secondly, it's as if these two months of taking a step back somehow discredits the fact that in the 5 years we have been together I have always worked my socks off to have an immaculate home, a fresh meal on the table every night as well as having a career of my own.

Admittedly, I did get my back up a bit and said that if it's fallen apart since I've taken a step back then maybe this shows that I'm not the problem, as if everyone else was pulling their weight there wouldn't be this stark difference. I immediately regretted biting because he then proceeded to make the conversation about how he cleans the bathroom every week. Firstly, he doesn't- but we won't go into that haha. But even if he did, that is barely the tip of the iceberg in a 5 bedroom house that two kids live in. However, the thing that really annoyed me about this was that he tried to turn the conversation around so that he was the victim and it was me that never thanked him for helping with the chores.

Am I being completely unreasonable here in thinking that he is not 'helping' me with the chores so doesn't deserve praise for it anymore than I do? This is his house too and we all live here so why should I have to praise him every time he changes a bin liner or wipes a surface over? I don't want to go as far in saying he is sexist, because I don't necessarily believe he is like this because I'm female. I just think he's grown very accustomed to me doing everything and interprets my recent behaviour as laziness.

How can I explain to my SO that I'm not a robot that runs at 100% every day. I am a human being who has had an extremely challenging couple of months and he needs to either accept that the housework is not a priority at the moment, step up and do it himself or hire a cleaner.

I know this is such a cliche argument and realise what a crap feminist I am, but I honestly have no idea how I can resolve this without apologising for something that I don't think I should be apologising for.

@billy1966 bit harsh. I was clearly naive to think this was a safe forum to ask for advice. Completely unnecessary to call my self respect into question. I take on board any constructive criticism, but to say you would weep if I was your daughter? I pray to God if your daughter ever is in this situation she is treated with more compassion.

It's actually better seeing this type of thing in AIBU because it gets more traffic and this OP seriously needs to hear from as many possible what a wrong 'un this one is. billy and MrsTerry are spot on.

[quote WorkingStepMum90]@billy1966 bit harsh. I was clearly naive to think this was a safe forum to ask for advice. Completely unnecessary to call my self respect into question. I take on board any constructive criticism, but to say you would weep if I was your daughter? I pray to God if your daughter ever is in this situation she is treated with more compassion. [/quote]
I have a daughter and whilst I'd show her compassion, I would indeed weep privately because you can't see it, either, just how abusive this man is, how horribly you are being used. If your sister is with another waster, what did you learn about relationships growing up?

This type of man is very common. Runs through a relationship with kids because of his shitty behaviour and finds someone much younger, vulnerable to put up with this type of crap.

It's really awful to see nice women throwing away their lives on men like this.

@WorkingStepMum90 but how can you say you have self respect? You let this man lump all his childcare responsibilities and household responsibilities on you, you pay more of the mortgage and if you don’t do it all he fights with you over it and you don’t feel you can stand up to him and tell him how he’s completely taking advantage of you. I would really ask for this to be moved to relationships. They would likely know some material you can read to help you see how you’re being used.

You realise you are just a housekeeper, nanny and someone that brings some money in.

I never understand why women take on this role at all. Stop being a doormat, stop being treated like a slave and with so much disrespect.

Men are more than capable of running a house and running one well. I have numerous gay male friends in couples who have immaculate homes, can wash, iron and organise gifts for their families.

It is not the 1950's FFS!

[quote ForeverAintEnough12]@WorkingStepMum90 but how can you say you have self respect? You let this man lump all his childcare responsibilities and household responsibilities on you, you pay more of the mortgage and if you don’t do it all he fights with you over it and you don’t feel you can stand up to him and tell him how he’s completely taking advantage of you. I would really ask for this to be moved to relationships. They would likely know some material you can read to help you see how you’re being used.[/quote]
Plenty has already been suggested. The Freedom Programme, which can be done online, to start. Download the books, 'Wifework' 'Why Does He Do That?' and 'Living with the Demoninator'.

But there's not fixing a sexist, tight, abusive man. They have to be ditched or you waste your life on them. They're incapable of loving someone else in a healthy and mature fashion, even their own kids.

To be fair billy1966 usually gives very good advice and is normally very helpful. I can see you are insulted, but perhaps give her post a little more thought. Maybe you need a kick to realize how much you are being used.

[quote WorkingStepMum90]@billy1966 bit harsh. I was clearly naive to think this was a safe forum to ask for advice. Completely unnecessary to call my self respect into question. I take on board any constructive criticism, but to say you would weep if I was your daughter? I pray to God if your daughter ever is in this situation she is treated with more compassion. [/quote]
All of us would be saddened if our daughters were with exploitative men who were using us for their own life and parenting shitwork because they think that's what women are for.

Why are women nice to men who treat them with such contempt? There is no reward for this, you know.

I can take your annoyance, no problem.

You need to find YOURS.

Boy would I weep if you were mine.

Wasting your precious life on a tight user that targeted you.

We are reading your story every bloody day on MN and it boils my blood.

You have a good job that you are obviously valued in.

But you are wasting your precious life with an older man who needed a nanny and a cleaner, and a teacher for the past year....oh and to over pay the morgage too.

Have you idea of just how disrespectful he must be of you to bitch about the house with the huge workload you have.

Give your head a wobble and a shake and see what we can see in front of us.

Your sister is also in a bad situation.

You are worth 10 of him.

10 of him.

Wake up and see what is right in front of you before it is too late.

Please don’t put up with such an awful unreasonable selfish man. It’s shocking to read that women still have to deal with men like this.

What does your partner do for you, specifically for you? What do you get out of the relationship!

I agree with billy I was just trying to put it a different way. This man does not love you because he shows you no respect. He will never change. This is who he is. He's in his 40s already. He's emotionally and financially abusive, those are actually crimes, btw.

He targeted you and groomed you to put up with this. And you deserve so much more.

Pit new house rules in place, a cleaning rota everyone helps out with including the children. Makes it fair then and no one needs praise

@HalzTangz

Pit new house rules in place, a cleaning rota everyone helps out with including the children. Makes it fair then and no one needs praise

Pointless. He's a sexist abuser and Disney dad. Not her job to housekeep for them, either. He'll never do it.

I think billy had to be harsh (but fair) because you don't seem to be hearing what everyone is saying. You've used 'we' in your latest post as if you see a future together.

You don't have 50/50 responsibility for the kids, HE does.

Write a list of all the chores and then divvy them up between you, your dp and his dc

Make it an equal split.

It's about time he learnt how to cook and clean as well as his dc.

Going by your username, you’re 30/31. You’ve already said you’d like to have kids but it might not be feasible financially at the moment. But at the same time, this is the prime age to start trying. Before you even consider having kids, have a think about how the division of labour can be more equitable. You are already doing more than your fair share and just because you’ve taken a breather from all the extra things you do, you’re on the receiving passive aggressive comments.

Have a think, what are you truly gaining out of this relationship? What is he bringing to the relationship and what are you? Is it fair? Can you see yourself continuing another 10 years or so on the same road? Only you know the answer to those questions.

Also, a relationship doesn’t have to have physical violence to be abusive. There are situations of domestic abuse, where there is more coercive control, gaslighting etc so it’s not as easy to tell what’s wrong, but you just feel in your guts that something just doesn’t feel right and then you start doubting yourself.

The only problem is that we are already over-stretched financially and I don't see how it will ever be an option for me.

He is. You split, you sell the house or he buys you out and then you move on and find someone who doesn't have two bloody kids to support already and have your own child with him. He doesn't have 'we' in his vocabulary just him, No. 1, and all who are there to serve him.

Why aren’t you sitting down with him and divvying up the tasks? Including cooking.

That’s what I would be doing now

@Chloemol

Why aren’t you sitting down with him and divvying up the tasks? Including cooking.

That’s what I would be doing now

Is she being paid as a Housekeeper, part of which role is to divvy up tasks and oversee them to the other lackeys? No. He will not do the tasks, ever, because he's sexist AF. He'll never do a task of his own initiative, because in his sexist, abusive mind, all life work is women's work. The OP is there to do the grunt work, including paying more than her fair share for a massive house - OP you'd be able to buy your own place to build your own equity without this millstone round your neck.

You are making his life a thousand times easier and he is making your life a thousand times harder. Maybe when all was going smoothly in your life you were able to juggle all these balls. I'm sure you thought he was watching you from the sofa with huge admiration for you as you hoovered around his feet after presenting them all with a homecooked meal and then clearing it all up afterwards. Unfortunately things cropped up in your life and its thrown you off balance. You have needed support and care and surprisingly for you he hasn't supplied it??? What a surprise!
He was holding you in high asteem at all. He wasn't thinking how wonderful you are to be paying for more than half of everything, doing all the shit jobs for his 2 children, all the housework, all the cooking, all the homeschooling, all the mental and physical load of keeping a family going.
Maybe being a wife and substitute mother is still some sort of novelty? The novelty sounds like its wearing off. You are just wasting your young years on domestic servitude with no consideration for the fact that you are a kind, decent young woman.

I'm guessing he's older than you and you've been in abusive relationships before (plus maybe grown up around abusive / unhappy relationship dynamics) so you can't see how unhealthy a dynamic this is.

Just because you've previously been with a a 10/10 wanker doesn't mean you should accept being with a 7/10 wanker. He's still a rubbish partner.

Can you step away for a while and have a think about what you want from the relationship. If you do want to stay together but also have everything change or just step away and make a clean break.

Is there somewhere you could go for a month. Stay back with parents or with a best friend or even don't pay the mortgage share for a month and get a nice local Airbnb. Let him live alone and parent his own kids. It needs to be an extended period otherwise they are just marking time until you come back and fix everything for them.
Pack yourself up some treats and goodies. Empty the freezer of any lovingly preprepared meals, run down cupboards snacks such so they cannot just coast for a couple of weeks on things you have prepared and worked hard at.

Arriving on page 6, and before even reading the full thread, from the OP I just knew that people were going to (rightly!) ask about you doing the donkey work with his kids!

Exactly how is your therapist the go-to expert on housework contributions from pre-teens?!!

My 12yo strips her own bed. Admittedly, she’s shit at getting duvet covers back on 🤣
But she can do the sheet and pillows whilst I wrestle it.

She didn’t do much with the bed at 9 - mostly, bounce around getting in my way 😏 but she did carry some linen down to the washer, or pass me pegs - that sort of task.

Keep the therapist for therapy, not parenting! And get those child AND THEIR DAD to strip their own beds!

@missnevermind

Great suggestion for the OP to leave the lazy twat to parent his children for a month.

See how he likes skivvying for them.

Awful to think of a woman giving up HER chance and opportunity to have a child of her own because she has spent her best years being used as free childcare and housekeeper for a selfish man and his kids.

So sad.