Partner only notices how much I do when I stop doing it

[WorkingStepMum90]

Hi All,

I've just had a blazing row with my SO around (surprise surprise!) housework. We went out for a walk and I made a comment about how I feel proud that I'm finally getting myself back into a routine. Like many others, I found the second lock-down extremely difficult. I had taken on my first management level role, signed up to an 18 month apprenticeship and had to juggle this with looking after my two step children. I also lost my Nan very recently who was a huge part of my life. It was just a lot and admittedly, my once regimented cleaning routine took a bit of a backseat.

When I mentioned how I thought this was going well, his response was "Yes, it's amazing how if you don't stay on top of the housework everything else seems to fall apart too." (meaning cooking, working out, shopping etc.) I'm not sure if I'm being overly sensitive here, but I was expecting something a little more supportive so my feelings were quite hurt. Firstly because I wouldn't have said things have 'fell apart' as such, I just had to make housework less of a priority with everything else we have going on. Secondly, it's as if these two months of taking a step back somehow discredits the fact that in the 5 years we have been together I have always worked my socks off to have an immaculate home, a fresh meal on the table every night as well as having a career of my own.

Admittedly, I did get my back up a bit and said that if it's fallen apart since I've taken a step back then maybe this shows that I'm not the problem, as if everyone else was pulling their weight there wouldn't be this stark difference. I immediately regretted biting because he then proceeded to make the conversation about how he cleans the bathroom every week. Firstly, he doesn't- but we won't go into that haha. But even if he did, that is barely the tip of the iceberg in a 5 bedroom house that two kids live in. However, the thing that really annoyed me about this was that he tried to turn the conversation around so that he was the victim and it was me that never thanked him for helping with the chores.

Am I being completely unreasonable here in thinking that he is not 'helping' me with the chores so doesn't deserve praise for it anymore than I do? This is his house too and we all live here so why should I have to praise him every time he changes a bin liner or wipes a surface over? I don't want to go as far in saying he is sexist, because I don't necessarily believe he is like this because I'm female. I just think he's grown very accustomed to me doing everything and interprets my recent behaviour as laziness.

How can I explain to my SO that I'm not a robot that runs at 100% every day. I am a human being who has had an extremely challenging couple of months and he needs to either accept that the housework is not a priority at the moment, step up and do it himself or hire a cleaner.

I know this is such a cliche argument and realise what a crap feminist I am, but I honestly have no idea how I can resolve this without apologising for something that I don't think I should be apologising for.

Wouldn't be difficult I meant.

And these kids you're parenting? They're his and he will move on to the next mug he can find and groom to wash his and his kids' socks. He'll do it in a trice. Because women to him are there to service men, including by paying 50/50, a real difference from the 1950s housewife set up.

A lot of us had one of these! Plenty of us have whilst young. Mine wanted me to have my wages paid into his account. Now that was a haahaa moment when the scales fell from my eyes and I walked. He was on and on about 'equality' 'earning your keep' '50/50' but it only applied to money.

Also a lot of digs towards women he'd see or knew, 'let herself go', expected Superwoman to work FT, hit the gym and look swell for him, and do all the lifework.

He messaged me a few years back after 20 years. Still single. 'Just never found the right woman'. Surprise surprise.

[quote WorkingStepMum90]@frazzledasarock I completely agree with you, I just wanted to make it 100% clear that I am not taking my situation lightly.

I know this is probably another can of worms I'm going to open, but I didn't think I wanted kids, but I'm starting to change my mind. The only problem is that we are already over-stretched financially and I don't see how it will ever be an option for me. My sister is also in a situation where she had a baby with a bad guy and she's stayed with him because she can't afford not to. I take comfort in the fact that financially, I could walk away at any time if I needed to.[/quote]
OP I'm going to give you some advice. Walk away. Go and find someone your age who wants children with you. This man will have some other sap in his bed before you've finished packing your bag because he just wants someone to run around after him and his children.

You're wasting your life here. You're going to deeply regret bringing up his kids at the expense of your needs.

Stay single for a while and focus on your career and apprenticeship. Then, once you've met someone decent and kind who genuinely loves you (you'll know because he'll be the opposite of this bell end) make it clear from the outset that you are not running around after him. Don't get caught up in a situation like this again.

You sound lovely; go and find someone who loves your kind nature and gives as much as you do to the relationship.

[quote WorkingStepMum90]@frazzledasarock I completely agree with you, I just wanted to make it 100% clear that I am not taking my situation lightly.

I know this is probably another can of worms I'm going to open, but I didn't think I wanted kids, but I'm starting to change my mind. The only problem is that we are already over-stretched financially and I don't see how it will ever be an option for me. My sister is also in a situation where she had a baby with a bad guy and she's stayed with him because she can't afford not to. I take comfort in the fact that financially, I could walk away at any time if I needed to.[/quote]
And you need to walk away yesterday, regardless of whether you want kids or not, because he's a shit excuse for a parent.

Okay you might want kids. Ask yourself this. Do you want to a partner who do fuck all to help with the baby? Because you're ridiculous if you think he'll be a different father to the DC he has with you. The man is showing you that he regards housework and childcare as women's work. Your work. Everything you're doing now? Drop a newborn and constant exhaustion on top of it and see how you feel. He won't help. In fact he'll scold you for not doing it all with the stepford wife smile you always give him.

If you don't think you deserve better in a partner, you potential DC deserve a better father.

I think the word for people like you is skivvy. He is using you as a cleaner, childminder and general dogsbody. Is it worth it to live in a nice house? I'm assuming its his house, because if not you are an even bigger mug than you appear to be. Wake up and move on, this is just an awful setup.

Oh OP it is a toxic situation, you are right! How on earth did you sleepwalk into it? You're a lot younger than me but my parents had a "traditional marriage" and when I was little I decided I was never going to marry because it meant you had to work and slave for your husband domestically and he took it all for granted and "told you off" if it wasn't up to his standards. Why? Because he's the man and its your place to look after him. I'd rather be on my own, I thought.

And yet I see threads on here regularly from much younger women putting up with exactly the same sort of shite I witnessed in the 70s and 80s!!! Ugh. How can you bear to shag someone who so obviously considers you his inferior, only fit to serve him (oh and subsidise the mortgage on his massive house that he needs for his children while you can't afford one of your own). Please hear the penny dropping ...

I knew he’d be older. And I knew he’d be tight with money too.

Can I ask what you’re actually getting out of this relationship? What does it give you that’s better than living by yourself or with a friend, with the chance of meeting somebody lovely, generous, kind and caring?

You could offer to swap your share of the "work" for a while. You do the x-box, the movies, the park and the bathroom, and he does the cooking, tidying and present sorting? After all, if you're both pulling your weight, he won't mind swapping, will he?

You sound so lovely and normal OP, you can do much better than this.

@FOJN

It's threads like this that make me seriously wonder why people express sympathy when I say I'm single.

Someone said to me today, "it must be hard being on your own", I'm not sure she believed me when I said I prefer it.

Ha I get this all the time too! Or worse when they try and set me up with their fat ugly friends who've been divorced three times - because being with someone I'd never fancy and who is obviously flawed enough that 3 women decided to divorce him, is better than my own company. Unfortunately for these 'match makers' I'm a bit of a prick and say how offensive it is that they assume I'd prefer their mates company to my own

[quote WorkingStepMum90]@ElizabethTudor you sound like a great mum and they will benefit so much from the life skills you are teaching them. And you know what, this is good enough for me that they are capable of stripping their own beds :)[/quote]
That’s very kind @WorkingStepMum90 but I think you may have meant to tag @Love51 in response to her post about getting her kids to strip their beds!

You've made a rod for your own back.
Your partner needs to step up. He's using you like an unpaid wifey/mummy.
Just do what needs doing for yourself and your partner needs to step up with the childcare.

why should I have to praise him every time he changes a bin liner or wipes a surface over?

Sorry but I am chuckling here as I saw a repeat of the Sarah Millican show where she says she came in late and her Partner was going "Ta Da!" He had changed the bedding and wanted praise BUT the pillowcases did not match the duvet! So he had to change them!

So you were furloughed and presumably took on more of the chores because of that. Fair enough.

But now you're back at work - do you both work similar hours? Does he agree (in principle) that you should both be doing 50% of the chores and childcare?

In which case, write out a long list of all the chores, sit down with him to agree how often these all need to be done, and then divide them up. Aim to keep the ones you enjoy (e.g. cooking), and let him take on the ones you don't (e.g. laundry?). Then leave his for him to do.

[quote WorkingStepMum90]@frazzledasarock I completely agree with you, I just wanted to make it 100% clear that I am not taking my situation lightly.

I know this is probably another can of worms I'm going to open, but I didn't think I wanted kids, but I'm starting to change my mind. The only problem is that we are already over-stretched financially and I don't see how it will ever be an option for me. My sister is also in a situation where she had a baby with a bad guy and she's stayed with him because she can't afford not to. I take comfort in the fact that financially, I could walk away at any time if I needed to.[/quote]
Then walk away.

Get some therapy/do the Freedom Programme, something to help you understand how to spot and avoid the abusive types, and find someone better, a relationship you deserve, because you deserve better than this. Don't embark on another relationship immediately.

And make damn sure you get your fair share from the jointly owned house.

And there's nothing wrong in getting kids to do some chores at those ages. It helps them understand that a nice house is something you have to help with.

I was with my ex for 30 years, with emotional, verbal, financial and even sexual abuse. Don't be me, get out now. He'll find someone soon enough to con into doing the chores, looking after the DC, paying more than a fair share, etc.

Do you have anywhere approaching equal leisure time? Why does he think you should be changing his DC bedding?

You should have more leisure time as you don't have any DC to look after? I don't mean being petty as I'm not cooking for them or food shopping but their laundry, shopping for their clothes and gifts are down to him.

Tricky that you have taken on all the mental load for his kids where he should be doing that. Can you take a step back? He sounds lazy and has used you as childcare. It might devastate the kids, but I think you should hand him the mental load for his own kids. When he repeatedly lets them down, you need to show him how shit it is for them.

A 9 and 12 year old are more than capable of changing their own beds.

So you swapped one abusive relationship for an older man with kids that he needed a young mug to skivvy for?.

He is NOT someone you want to have children with.

So you are also helping out his Ex?

They landed on their feet when he caught you.

You pay more of the morgage too, on top of doing all the skivvying AND minding his children. Wow!

Is this what you dreamed of?

Have you even an ounce of self respect?

He hasn't a drop for you.

He thinks you are SO dim that he actually has the gall to complain about the house work when he leaves it all to you. Just wow!
Unbelievable.

I feel so sorry for women like you.

Who raised you to have such non existent self worth, as to think this tight, lazy waster was the best you can do?

I would weep if you were my daughter.

God help you if this is all you think you want and deserve from your life.

What would he and the children's mother have done about hone schooling if you weren't there? What about the house purchase? Because I can see why he's with you. I'm failing to see why you're with him.

Old, tight, lazy, manipulative, sexist Disney dad. What's not to leave?

@WorkingStepMum90 I think you need to get this moved to relationships. Too are sacrificing your freedom, money, time and potentially having your own child to bring up someone else’s children when that someone doesn’t even appreciate all you do. It’s too much.

Whatever you do. Do not leave without getting half the equity from the house. You’ve been paying over the odds into this house. Don’t leave without getting your share.