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Original poster

Do you judge women who stay with men who don't see their children?

337 replies

BlatantPineapple · 19/04/2021 16:41

A close friends situation got me thinking about this sort of thing...

Basically her Dad has older children from before she was born who he never sees and she has never met.

He has been married to her Mum for a long time now and she has two brothers. She says he's always been a good Dad to them but I know she finds it strange that she has siblings out there somewhere who she has no idea about.

Whenever she mentions it I just can't help but feel really sorry for his older children. How hurtful it must be to know your Dad is a good father to other children but never bothered with you.

I also wondered how I'd feel as his wife (my friends Mum). I don't think I'd be able to be with a Man who did that, would you? Would you judge a woman who was with a man who'd abandoned and never seen his children?

OP posts:
toocold54 · 19/04/2021 18:41

I also know of many friends whose dads weren’t around and are now in contact with them as adults and they’ve completely believed all the lies that they tell them like the mother stopped them etc. And they’ve almost turned on their mums because of it.

Moonwhite · 19/04/2021 18:43

My Dad's wife only stayed with him on condition that he broke off all contact with his children, and he was happy to do it.

He contacted me on FB last year because they split up. Over twenty years since he'd last spoken to me, and he has two teenagers I've never met. I just blocked him.

Jellybabiesforbreakfast · 19/04/2021 18:44

It's strange how men who have an "unreasonable" ex often also have children who can survive on oxygen alone and weave their own clothes from moonbeams. So it's not necessarily to pay any maintenance for them.

SimonJT · 19/04/2021 18:51

It depends on the individual situation.

My dad stopped seeing us not long after he left our mum, we were physically punished if we went to his home at the weekend, him refusing us actually protected us from her. Social services and the police failed us, so the option of staying with our dad wasn’t available as our mum had successfully convinced the police that our injuries were caused by our dad.

Theunamedcat · 19/04/2021 18:52

Plus they use the fact that i moved 8 miles away and got married myself as a "reason" not to see her because apparently when you remarry that means he is no longer moraly and legally responsible for his own child that then falls onto the stepfather in the situation the fact that he hadn't seen her for 5 years for no reason meant nothing I should have closed the case with csa I was being greedy he literally paid less that £100 that was after he was taken to court he had to pay a fortune in fines over less than £100 owed

Pointless utterly pointless

KylieKoKo · 19/04/2021 18:53

There's a thread on the SM forum where I have suggested that some of the tension felt by SMs might stem from the the fact they are often blamed / judged for their partners behaviour. Some of the responses on this thread are proving me right.

Women are not to blame for men's behaviour. It is not up to women to make sure that their partners are good dads. Men need to step up and own their actions and we need to start holding men accountable rather then expecting women to be the ones to police them.

PurleaseSqueeze · 19/04/2021 18:55

Women are not to blame for men's behaviour

No they aren't but why would you want to be with someone who was a shit Dad? Surely that's not a good quality in a partner? Especially if you're planning on having a family of your own with that person.

I would see it as a huge red flag personally.

PurleaseSqueeze · 19/04/2021 18:56

I feel like it's condoning it in a way. Men who do this should be shunned by society and that's including new partners, not allowed to merrily skip off into the sunset with a new loving wife and more kids.

IbrahimaRedTwo · 19/04/2021 18:57

Women are not to blame for men's behaviour. It is not up to women to make sure that their partners are good dads. Men need to step up and own their actions and we need to start holding men accountable rather then expecting women to be the ones to police them

That so totally misses the point. It's not about blaming women for mens behaviour. It's about judging those women for their own behaviour. If you get with a man who has chosen to abandon his children there is something wrong with you. By being with him you are helping to legitimise his behaviour. By having children with him you are making terrible choices.

We ARE holding the men accountable. It's the women who get with these men who are not holding them accountable!

PurleaseSqueeze · 19/04/2021 18:58

Basically it would make me wonder about your own morals if you were happy to be in a relationship with such a person.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 19/04/2021 18:59

Yes, I judge. I think they have shockingly low standards. But then, there's zero way I'd have gone with a man who had kids at all when I was single and childfree. 9 times out of 10, there's a good reason why the mother of children ends the marriage, just read the relationship boards on here.

UnforgottenPunk · 19/04/2021 19:01

Funny how so many hear about these psycho bitches second hand but never encounter such women themselves in their own lives, whether through work or school mum socialising or whatever. You'd think with the legions of deranged bitter exes stalking the land that other women would have at least met one or two.

Believe me, you will have done. What they let their friends see can be very different from how they act behind closed doors.

I'm not saying there aren't a million deadbeat dads out there. But women and the need for control go very much hand in hand.

Cissyandflora · 19/04/2021 19:02

I think men often pretend that they have been cut off through no fault of their own. I was told this story. That the man just couldn’t get access to the child. I bought the story completely. We then had a child. He disappeared. I have no doubt at all that he will be saying he is the tragic victim of awful women. Not at all true. So yes- I absolutely would judge. And it’s not good enough to just not see your child because you don’t want to be with the mother.

anxietyanonymous · 19/04/2021 19:05

How do you know 'he doesn't bother with them'? Thats a huge generalisation.

There are many fathers who have exhausted all options in the courts for example. Who have wanted desperately to have access and had it denied or children moved across country or lies spread against them or it blocked at every turn. Sometimes after years of fighting they decided to let it go and live in peace for everyones sake. He has been a good father to your friend-which means even if he has made mistakes in the past he has learnt from them.

We mustn't be judgemental no-one is perfect and everyone has a story.

Deidretheelf · 19/04/2021 19:09

Yep. But of course he'll be different with your children Considering he’s been married to the friend’s Dad for long enough to have an adult daughter, I’d say he probably was.

NUFAN · 19/04/2021 19:10

@WellJuhnelle

My maternal grandfather has two children, born before my mum, who I don’t know anything about, except that they exist. My mum is 60 now and he has been a brilliant dad, grandad and great grandad who dotes on all of us. I find it all really strange that he can have that relationship with us but nothing to do with his other children.

I’d love to know the truth about it all but I’m not sure even my mum knows 🤨

How do these things happen? If you’re a good parent to one bunch, how do you not have the desire to be a good parent to the other children? I genuinely don’t get it. How can you just wipe the slate clean and start again? It’s so strange.
drpet49 · 19/04/2021 19:11

* I feel like it's condoning it in a way. Men who do this should be shunned by society and that's including new partners, not allowed to merrily skip off into the sunset with a new loving wife and more kids.*

This. And on that basis, yes I would judge.

drpet49 · 19/04/2021 19:12

* My maternal grandfather has two children, born before my mum, who I don’t know anything about, except that they exist. My mum is 60 now and he has been a brilliant dad, grandad and great grandad who dotes on all of us. I find it all really strange that he can have that relationship with us but nothing to do with his other children.*

^You are delusional if you think a man who has abandoned his other children is a brilliant dad.

SmokedDuck · 19/04/2021 19:12

I don't think I would if I didn't know much about the situation.

It seems awful on the face of it, but sometimes there are reasons that this happens beyond the wishes of the father. Or things work out in a bad way, but it's because they were very young, or an addict, etc, and those things are no longer relevant.

I have a relative in my dad's generation who had a child when still a teen. The mother, and maybe more, her mother, didn't want him involved at all. He's married now, has kids and grandkids, but has never met this older child, I think once time had passed it seemed like opening up a can of worms.

I also know cases where seeing the kids seemed to cause more upset than anything else, often based on the parents not being able to get along. Maybe it was weak for the father to just give up, but I don't know that it can always be laid just at his door.

Anyway, the point being that most of the time you don't really know what has happened in that detail when you are talking about people you aren't very close to.

Happycat1212 · 19/04/2021 19:13

This is interesting reading as I’m shocked at how many people apparently know men who have been stopped from seeing their children, my ex won’t see our children, he refuses to. He’s never even had them over night or done the school run, in fact he’s never been to their school! My oldest is in year 5 Hmm he would only see them IF he could come to my house, and that was only ever a few hours once a fortnight as soon as I put my foot down and told him he couldn’t come to my house anymore guess what? Doesn’t want to see them anymore. I’m sure he tells everyone I’ve stopped him 🤷‍♀️ He’s hardly going to admit the truth is he. Anyway he doesn’t seem to struggle to meet women so they obviously believe his lies (although he has previously admitted to me he doesn’t tell them he has children...)

HirplesWithHaggis · 19/04/2021 19:15

@UnforgottenPunk

Funny how so many hear about these psycho bitches second hand but never encounter such women themselves in their own lives, whether through work or school mum socialising or whatever. You'd think with the legions of deranged bitter exes stalking the land that other women would have at least met one or two.

Believe me, you will have done. What they let their friends see can be very different from how they act behind closed doors.

I'm not saying there aren't a million deadbeat dads out there. But women and the need for control go very much hand in hand.

Yup. Also numerous threads here about controlling MILs, bridezillas etc. Apparently they're totally reasonable when it comes to who sees the kids and when. Hmm
CornishGem1975 · 19/04/2021 19:17

I wouldn't judge, unless I knew all the facts.

RickiTarr · 19/04/2021 19:18

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

Why is your thread premise to judge women, OP? It's not the women who abandon their children, never to see them again, it's men.

And what 'judging' do you do? Tutting? Eye-rolling? Throwing rotten tomatoes? Is it useful?

I do sort of understand OP’s point in that I’d feel condemnatory of the man but bemused by the woman’s choice to be with him, especially if she chose to them have children with him. That’s because I identify with other women and consider their positions “from the inside” more than I do men’s. I judge men by their actions from the outside.

Also, in practice, when I do meet these couples, it often turns out that the man has branded his ex mad and vengeful and his new partner has believed this version of events, which I always have doubts about.

It’s about women and motherhood and the lines men feed us, to me.

eatsleepread · 19/04/2021 19:27

Sorry, but I'd be super judgy Grin

StillWeRise · 19/04/2021 19:35

@Waxonwaxoff0

I've seen too much nonsense from men with so called "crazy exes". If a man told me his ex wouldn't let him see the kids, I'd automatically think he was lying unless I saw proof with my own eyes, and even then I'd wonder if it was his fault for whatever reason. The only woman I know who doesn't let her ex see the kids did so because he was an alcoholic and a danger to them.
this is what we should be teaching girls in school I wouldn't judge a woman whose OH had abandoned his kids, but I'd be worried for her and any children she had. I'd think she was naive. We can all do better than that, and rather have no partner than one who is at best pathetic and immature and at worst abusive.