Do you judge women who stay with men who don't see their children?

[BlatantPineapple]

A close friends situation got me thinking about this sort of thing...

Basically her Dad has older children from before she was born who he never sees and she has never met.

He has been married to her Mum for a long time now and she has two brothers. She says he's always been a good Dad to them but I know she finds it strange that she has siblings out there somewhere who she has no idea about.

Whenever she mentions it I just can't help but feel really sorry for his older children. How hurtful it must be to know your Dad is a good father to other children but never bothered with you.

I also wondered how I'd feel as his wife (my friends Mum). I don't think I'd be able to be with a Man who did that, would you? Would you judge a woman who was with a man who'd abandoned and never seen his children?

Not the same scenario but my grandma once told me about her mother who had seperated from her husband and had left her two children with her neighbour while she went to work, the husband came and picked up the children with the woman he was having an affair with and took them. She couldn't find them and never saw her daughter again, her son she managed to look up as an adult. My grandma was a product of her second marriage
The father and the woman told the children that their mother had abandoned them. I would judge that women and man far far more.

@SuziQuatrosFatNan

Funny how so many hear about these psycho bitches second hand but never encounter such women themselves in their own lives, whether through work or school mum socialising or whatever. You'd think with the legions of deranged bitter exes stalking the land that other women would have at least met one or two.

I know one first hand - a family member. Her ex has taken her to court so many times but for years she madd sure she was out when he was due to collect his daughter. Among other things she accused him of coming to her house and beating her up badly on her birthday, except she never had any injuries and he was working in Singapore that week. Every time they went back to court the judge gave her a lecture that she must slow access and that was it. Even though is supposed to have half the holidays, every year he has to go back to court over it. No one knows why she dies this. She does have diagnosed MH issues.

No, I would judge the man.

I have done, yes. A friend married a man who didn't see his child - we were told the ex-wife was very difficult and made it very hard for him to have access. There was something about him that I really didn't like but couldn't put my finger on - he liked everything a certain way, and I got a bit of a controlling sense off him. I was told I was unreasonable.

Jump forward ten years and they have split up. Apparently he was abusive and a wife-beater, and her family had to stage an intervention to get her out. Their child witnessed these assaults and has started to hit their mum if he doesn't get what he wants. I feel very sorry for her, but I do judge her - she has her own money (he didn't control that), she had a supportive family, and there was nothing stopping her walking out after the first time he hit her. Apart from being very religious and thinking that divorce was wrong and marriage vows were forever.

I know one first hand - a family member. Her ex has taken her to court so many times but for years she madd sure she was out when he was due to collect his daughter. Among other things she accused him of coming to her house and beating her up badly on her birthday, except she never had any injuries and he was working in Singapore that week. Every time they went back to court the judge gave her a lecture that she must slow access and that was it. Even though is supposed to have half the holidays, every year he has to go back to court over it. No one knows why she dies this. She does have diagnosed MH issues.

This is almost the exact same situation as the person that I know. I think people saying that the courts will always want to allow access don't understand thay even if they do, they actually have very little power to do anything if the RP just continues to refuse access. They can threaten jail time for contempt or with removal of custody, but they don't really want to follow through with these things because of the huge impact it would have on the children. So they just threaten and tell the RP to allow access, send them off, they continue to refuse, NRP needs to go back to court again, and the cycle just continues.

What I'm starting to realise from this thread though is that people very much see it through the lens of their own experiences. The person I know is adamant that what is happening to him happens to loads of men, because he works in a male-dominated industry and hears so many stories from other men about how they have been refused access. Because of his own experiences he automatically assumes them to be true and the same as what he's going through.
I think it's the same in reverse for women who have had an ex who hasn't bothered with their kids, if they speak to another woman who says the same they'll believe it to be true because they have that experience themselves. In both circumstances people may be spinning a particular story to fit the image they want to portray, but in reality unless you're really involved, you're unlikely to know the truth of it.

@Tallybeebloom I agree with that and I'm a complete anomaly because I'm a NRMum whose ex has alienated my daughter from me.

Many seem to think it's a simple solution of going to court, but like others have said if the RP really wants to cut you out they can.

I'm not looking for sympathy. I'm at peace with it now but it's shit for all concerned.

My DP was one of those. His ExP married, changed her name, blocked his number and moved away. He wasn't on the BC and he wasn't able to get in contact with her until he received a letter from the CSA nearly 10yrs later (funny, she'd had a change of circumstances). I don't know of anyone else who has ever been so happy to receive that letter! (Also he now has regular contact!)

Don't judge without all of the info.

Yeah I would judge them both. I would think the woman is either an ignorant fool or some kind of desperate vulnerable character being manipulated by the man.

@SuziQuatrosFatNan I know one first hand as well. Mad as a box of frogs. Kids have a new dad every year or two and the old ones (together with their actual dads) arent allowed anywhere near them. Constantly buys and discards pets too. Lots of issues.

People like that are rare (I can name far more dads who have just ditched the kids and ridden off into the sunset) but they do exist.

Yes I would judge.

I judge both. But we all judge each other and strangers daily...

I had a friend I'd known since we were in single-digit years old. He has 2 children from his first marriage that he doesn't see or pay maintenance towards. He has nothing kind to say about his ex-wife and for some reason he never seems to have a shortage in attracting reasonable-appearing women and who come across as intelligent functioning citizens. I ended our friendship when I realised he wasn't "just hurting from the divorce" but was actively choosing to be a douchebag. The multiple women in his life wil gladly defend his actions and shack up with him. Oh, he's so hard done by!

From my professional role working with families, I now understand it's not that uncommon. I imagine a lot of women choosing to be in relationships with these men aren't shouting about it from the rooftops.

It's hard this

as my dad has children before me - 2 with the same woman. The oldest I'm really close with but the other is really horrible and does some awful things. their mum cheated on my dad and only got a dna test done a few years ago when she said she was actually my dads and they called him for this but they refused dna when he requested one via the court 20 years prior as he refused to pay for her until he knew as she asked for money but said she wasn't his ? So I totally agree with this but he did pay for my oldest sister and he is a brilliant -sometimes moody menopause dad but we're all so close

My husbands dad has 2 daughters who we've been told he spoils rotten etc and he left my MIL when she was pregnant. She met my husbands dad and that's how it is. He tried to contact when he was 18 but oh decided it wasn't for him as he had his family and his dad!

My husband on the other hand has a son from a previous relationship when he was Young and the woman won't let him see his son. He did it via court etc and she went MIA , we got a text a few years ago and she said she moved over seas but could we send money an clothes. She is still around near us but he's a lot older now and don't want to confuse him more then what his mum has, she used to be very bad on drugs so they live with her parents, we have spoke to solicitors but just trying to figure what's best without confusing and emotionally messing up a child who's 13 and hormones and puberty in that mix !! as we was told he used to ask in school why didn't he have a dad" - his Nan told one of my family members and didn't realise she was my family!!

We've all diifferent sides here so I'd never judge. You really don't know what's gone on x