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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you judge women who stay with men who don't see their children?

337 replies

BlatantPineapple · 19/04/2021 16:41

A close friends situation got me thinking about this sort of thing...

Basically her Dad has older children from before she was born who he never sees and she has never met.

He has been married to her Mum for a long time now and she has two brothers. She says he's always been a good Dad to them but I know she finds it strange that she has siblings out there somewhere who she has no idea about.

Whenever she mentions it I just can't help but feel really sorry for his older children. How hurtful it must be to know your Dad is a good father to other children but never bothered with you.

I also wondered how I'd feel as his wife (my friends Mum). I don't think I'd be able to be with a Man who did that, would you? Would you judge a woman who was with a man who'd abandoned and never seen his children?

OP posts:
SuziQuatrosFatNan · 19/04/2021 17:34

Funny how so many hear about these psycho bitches second hand but never encounter such women themselves in their own lives, whether through work or school mum socialising or whatever. You'd think with the legions of deranged bitter exes stalking the land that other women would have at least met one or two.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 19/04/2021 17:38

And I agree with you, OP, and don't think your question was unjustified at all. Everybody knows that the men who willingly walk away from their children and simply choose to step out of their lives are disgusting; but it is baffling as to why a woman would see a man like that and think "Yes, he's the one for me - and any future children I might have with him".

Even without any children at all in the mix, it's a bit like women who knowingly and willingly have an affair with a married man, encourage him to leave his wife for her, and then before long, have the biggest shock and surprise when he repeats the known behaviour again.

Jellybabiesforbreakfast · 19/04/2021 17:39

I don't really judge the new partner. I just see them as soon-to-be abandoned family number 2. If a man couldn't hack family life with his first family, there's a much higher chance he won't be able to hack it with his second family. It will be interesting to see how long our esteemed PM Boris sticks it out with Carrie and the little one, for example.

Tbh, a lot of men, both in broken and in seemingly functional families, get away with being a bit crap. Many of them seem to be conditioned to think that someone (mummy or wifey) will come along and (sometimes literally) clean up their shit for them.

2bazookas · 19/04/2021 17:44

You don't know any of the circumstances so shouldn't be judging what the Dad and his then partner did (or didn't) do decades ago.

There are plenty of reasons (when parents part company) why one of them may lose touch with the children through no wish or intention of their own.

Think , mother returning home to another country , moving abroad with new partner. Or just, moving to the opposite end of the UK to start a new life , clean break, with a new name, and disappear.

Before the internet and electronic records, it was pretty easy to drop out of sight. Many people had no bank account, wages, rent, bills and benefits were all paid in cash.

PuttingOnTheKitsch · 19/04/2021 17:45

One of DD's friends has never seen his dad. This man knew he had a son, even remarked how much he looked like him and has shown no further interest, ever.

I judge the heck out of him and anyone who says that sort of behaviour is acceptable. There are far too many of them around and the harm they do to children is incalculable.

Tallybeebloom · 19/04/2021 17:45

I would need to know the full story first. There are definitely guys who use the 'pyscho ex' excuse but there are also guys who do actually have spiteful exes who will do anything to hurt them, including blocking them from seeing their children. Just as their are women with awful exes who will go to extreme lengths to have control over their ex-partner.
As a couple of PPs have said, a court wouldn't deny access on the say-so of a parent without evidence of harm or potential harm, but even if a court order is in place, the resident parent can just not hand the kids over and nobody can do anything.

Someone very close to me is going through this right now, all he wants is to see his kids but his ex just refuses. He's paying a fortune in legal fees going through the courts, she doesn't turn up and the date kept getting re-arranged, each time costing him more money, until she eventually got brought in by sheriff officers for contempt of court, she apologised and was sent away, judge told her she has to stick to the court agreed access arrangement, she then doesn't and the whole cycle starts again. In the meantime she's telling the children the most awful things about him, including that he's not actually their dad. All literally because he got a new partner, over 2 years after they had split up.

I just wouldn't judge without all the information, but if it did happen to be a guy who just wasn't bothering with his kids (because I know they exist too) then I would judge someone who was with them, and judge someone who was prepared to have more children with him themselves even more.

Gatehouse77 · 19/04/2021 17:46

My father was like this but we were all adults when he swanned off. I still don't understand how his second wife went into a relationship with someone who was estranged from 75% of his 'previous' children 🤷‍♀️
And it was because he was a crap father!
I don't think he was much better with the second lot of kids either. Some aspects were very different though and they have been spoilt in a way that would never have happened with us. I don't begrudge them that at all - they are merely a product of their circumstances but it added to the lack of respect for him.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 19/04/2021 17:48

@2bazookas

You don't know any of the circumstances so shouldn't be judging what the Dad and his then partner did (or didn't) do decades ago.

There are plenty of reasons (when parents part company) why one of them may lose touch with the children through no wish or intention of their own.

Think , mother returning home to another country , moving abroad with new partner. Or just, moving to the opposite end of the UK to start a new life , clean break, with a new name, and disappear.

Before the internet and electronic records, it was pretty easy to drop out of sight. Many people had no bank account, wages, rent, bills and benefits were all paid in cash.

That's such a lazy excuse. Even if you or your ex moves away you still make the effort to keep in contact with your children, if you don't then you are a bad parent.
notalwaysalondoner · 19/04/2021 17:48

Yes, in theory - but my best friend's relationship was the product of an affair (admittedly we were 20 and no one was married, so not quite the same, but she'd been with her boyfriend for 4 years at that point) and I remember thinking 'how will her new boyfriend ever trust her not to do that to him?' But 10 years on they're still very happy, married, with a child, and extremely committed. So patterns don't always repeat themselves.

But if he hasn't even tried to keep in touch then yes, I couldn't do it. I think most/all women in this situation believe the stories about the ex-wife being the one who won't let them see the kids, they fought tooth and nail etc. as it's easier than believing you're in love with a heartless child abandoner.

secular39 · 19/04/2021 17:50

@JennyBond

I would not be able to understand how a woman would want to have children with a man who has form form abandoning children.

How do you know that all men in this situation abandon their children? My uncle tried and tried for years to keep contact with his son. But his ex wife was an evil bitch and wouldn’t let him. He would have done anything to see him.

Should have tried harder.
HunterHearstHelmsley · 19/04/2021 17:51

Not necessarily. You never know the full story. My BIL has an older child who he fought tooth and nail to see. Eventually it got to the point that he literally couldn't afford to keep fighting. He and my sister have all the court papers evidencing this. If you ask his ex, he never tried and she worked terribly hard trying to get him to see them.

Charsy01 · 19/04/2021 17:52

100 percent agree. I don’t know how a woman can date a man who’s abandoned their children. I know in some instances the mother can be make it very difficult but if the man has truly abandoned their kids then gone on to have more its plain awful.

I’ve seen it from all angles

  • I’ve never known my father. He has a wife and children. Who’s meant to be a great dad. Why was I not good enough?!
  • I’ve also seen it somewhat with my own DS. He does see his dad but barely (once every few months despite living 5 minutes away). He favours his new partner and their children more than DS. It’s heartbreaking.

-also seen it in my own family - well my in laws. My mother in law is with a bloke who hasn’t seen any of his SIX children since they were kids (I know this as I actually know one of them from school? He just doesn’t bother with them at all. Mother in law and him don’t have children together but he was a stepdad to my partners much younger siblings. I don’t know how my mother in law could invite such a man into their lives and play stepdad with their kids. So sadly yes I do wonder what she’s doing with him.

Sadly it’s more common than what people think!

Tallybeebloom · 19/04/2021 17:55

I would also add to my above post- the person I know who is in this situation has a decent enough paying job that they can just about manage the court fees (although they don't have much left after bills and living expenses), there would be plenty of men making far less money for whom it just wouldn't be actually possible to afford the court fees to constantly fight for access if it was such an ongoing never ending thing as it seems to be for this person. At some point people in that position will need to eventually give up (which is awful on all fronts but if they've fought as far as they can go, what else can they do?)

GrimDamnFanjo · 19/04/2021 17:55

I have a friend whose partner has basically abandoned his 4 kids and married another woman with whom he has a baby.
Charitably he has gaslit his wife about my friend and their relationship of over 20 years during which he was persistently unfaithful.
It's the absolutely heartless way he has abandoned his kids, emotionally and financially. I assume she can't really know the extent of his behaviour...

IbrahimaRedTwo · 19/04/2021 18:01

It's not the women who abandon their children, never to see them again, it's men

It's the women who get with those men that we are talking about.

If you marry a man who has abandoned his children you are a twat. End of story. And you deserve each other.

Elmo311 · 19/04/2021 18:01

Yep

ImInStealthMode · 19/04/2021 18:03

It's a hard no from me. My own Dad walked out on me (and my Mum) without a backward glance for his OW, they went on to have a son who so far as I can tell he was an engaged and loving parent to. Meanwhile he never really bothered with me again & the related issues took years for me to unravel.

There's no way I could be involved with anyone who was able to do that to their child.

FrippEnos · 19/04/2021 18:03

@SuziQuatrosFatNan

Funny how so many hear about these psycho bitches second hand but never encounter such women themselves in their own lives, whether through work or school mum socialising or whatever. You'd think with the legions of deranged bitter exes stalking the land that other women would have at least met one or two.
Just a thought but maybe they are all working to a script saying that he just walked away?

I have worked with several father that walked away.
I have also worked with several fathers that would turn up every week, paid for and went to mediation -never quire court- got so many promises that they could see their children only for the cycle to start again.

I also know several mother who are very vocal in saying that their ex would never see the children again.

There are nasty people on both sides of this.

IEat · 19/04/2021 18:05

Unless you know the full story wouldn’t it be better not to judge. Having an opinion is not the same as judging. Things happen in peoples lives

KindnessCrusader · 19/04/2021 18:07

@FrippEnos when I was with him he told me about two psycho exes. So add us 3 mothers (that we know about) and that's five whole psycho women he's dated.
Seems unlikely.

IbrahimaRedTwo · 19/04/2021 18:08

Unless you know the full story wouldn’t it be better not to judge

What full story? His lies?
There is no full story that makes it ok to abandon your children. I'll judge all I like.

Sugarbelle · 19/04/2021 18:09

I probably would yes, but then my own biological father had nothing to do with me - I didnt meet him until I was 20 so i think this would make it worse for me.

ImInStealthMode · 19/04/2021 18:09

@ImInStealthMode

It's a hard no from me. My own Dad walked out on me (and my Mum) without a backward glance for his OW, they went on to have a son who so far as I can tell he was an engaged and loving parent to. Meanwhile he never really bothered with me again & the related issues took years for me to unravel.

There's no way I could be involved with anyone who was able to do that to their child.

I realised I answered the question slightly amiss here. A no from me for the Man himself, and a yes I would judge the woman who's with him. I don't think I could be friends with anyone who condoned that behaviour.

anon12345678901 · 19/04/2021 18:10

I would yes, reason being I know someone who did abandon his first child, he then got married to someone who knew he had walked away and never bothered by his choice, now he's done the same to her and their kids. I find it hard to feel sympathy for her, I feel it for the kids but I can't feel much for her, she knew what he was like, shouldn't have been surprised.

BluntlySpoken · 19/04/2021 18:11

It's not always the man who abandons the children there are also some very spiteful selfish mothers who stop the father seeing the children.
I've seen it with a family member. 12k in courts and solicitors to get no where because the mother up sticks and leaves everytime the father 'won'

However i may possibly judge if it was the father who decided for no reason to not bother.