Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you judge women who stay with men who don't see their children?

337 replies

BlatantPineapple · 19/04/2021 16:41

A close friends situation got me thinking about this sort of thing...

Basically her Dad has older children from before she was born who he never sees and she has never met.

He has been married to her Mum for a long time now and she has two brothers. She says he's always been a good Dad to them but I know she finds it strange that she has siblings out there somewhere who she has no idea about.

Whenever she mentions it I just can't help but feel really sorry for his older children. How hurtful it must be to know your Dad is a good father to other children but never bothered with you.

I also wondered how I'd feel as his wife (my friends Mum). I don't think I'd be able to be with a Man who did that, would you? Would you judge a woman who was with a man who'd abandoned and never seen his children?

OP posts:
ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings · 19/04/2021 18:13

@SuziQuatrosFatNan

Funny how so many hear about these psycho bitches second hand but never encounter such women themselves in their own lives, whether through work or school mum socialising or whatever. You'd think with the legions of deranged bitter exes stalking the land that other women would have at least met one or two.
Absolutely! It's remarkable isn't it. Armies of crazy exs withholding contact with their children, and yet most women have never met one. By contrast of course we are to believe that NAMALT and the number of M who ALT is teeny tiny, just a miniscule handful of bad apples - yet shockingly most women have met a very large number of them. Truly a head scratcher.
trevthecat · 19/04/2021 18:13

I do but I have children who have a father that doesn't see them. I see it from this side. I could never be with a man who made no effort

BluntlySpoken · 19/04/2021 18:15

Oh and in RL, My dh ex was one of these mothers who did everything in her power to try to stop dh having Dsd, her reason 'because she's my daughter why should u share her'
She actually said that in court and we have the transcript from it.
DH actually ended up with more time than he asked for because she was being so damn obstructive. And after what she put him through for 3 years, I wouldn't blame him if he did decide not to see Dsd. Thankfully he didn't.
We still have issues with the ex now but we're just counting down the time till dsd is if age we don't need to communicate via her dm.

crashbandicoot4 · 19/04/2021 18:22

I wouldn't because I know that the NRP has fuck all chance if the RP is determined to keep them away.
I've seen parental alienation up close and the damage it does to all in the vicinity

Jellybabiesforbreakfast · 19/04/2021 18:23

I don't buy a lot of these arguments around "selfish mums" using children as weapons and maliciously stopping their dads seeing them. The story is often a bit more nuanced than that. For example, dad wanting mum to split the travel for contact time despite doing nothing for the kids the rest of the time and mum telling him to fuck off. Mum then becomes the "selfish mother" in that scenario since she won't put herself out to make sure dad can see the children. Or mum moves away with the kids closer to her family so she can have their support to enable her to work. She's "stolen his kids" even though he wasn't bothered enough to put himself out to help look after them himself so mum could get a job.

CarelessSquid07A · 19/04/2021 18:25

I definitely judge both. I was abandoned as a child by my df. I would also take anyone who says that her ex doesn't bother with the kids with a pinch of salt as well.

I know my dm upped sticks and disappeared and insisted there was violence etc. I'll never know whether it was true or not as I don't believe a word she says about anyone she doesn't like and he died when I was a teenager.

But I was still essentially abandoned and the thought of him having another family who he loved would have been unbearable to be honest.

Now as an adult I know more about the situation and the fact is neither of them had any business getting married let alone having a baby, neither of them were capable partners or parents and it was always going to end in a pile of rubbish.

IbrahimaRedTwo · 19/04/2021 18:26

And after what she put him through for 3 years, I wouldn't blame him if he did decide not to see Dsd. Thankfully he didn't

Why wouldn't you blame him? Giving up on your kid because your ex is difficult is not ok. It's never ok. It means you couldn't be bothered.

If someone took my children from me I wouldn't give up after 3 years of hard work. I wouldn't give up after 30 years of it.

FrippEnos · 19/04/2021 18:27

[quote KindnessCrusader]@FrippEnos when I was with him he told me about two psycho exes. So add us 3 mothers (that we know about) and that's five whole psycho women he's dated.
Seems unlikely. [/quote]
We are all putting anecdotes forward.

I have no idea about your ex.
You have no idea about the people that I have met or their circumstances.

My Ex wife used to beat me, from those on here you would think that I am lying or that it was done as she was defending herself.

In truth she was a nasty piece of work that was abusive.

I believe that some men are arseholes that walk away from their children.
I also believe that some women are arseholes that stop their exes from seeing their children.

As someone upthread said

his truth, her truth and the truth.

Rewis · 19/04/2021 18:29

I would judge the man. However, it would be a dealbrekaer for me (I'm sure there are a few exceptions where I could understand that it might happen).

I wouldn't judge a woman who was with a man like this. I would maybe wonder myself why she took him but I wouldn't judge her.

Bibidy · 19/04/2021 18:33

I wouldn't judge her at all.

I used to feel more judgemental towards the men, but that was before I'd experienced the situation through a couple of male friends whose exes had made it their missions to cut them out of their kids lives.

One had parents who helped him out with court costs by remortgaging their house and so he was able to maintain access despite being accused of all sorts of false allegations by his ex; the other didn't have the means and so he hasn't seen his son in years as the mother made it impossible. She was constantly agreeing times he could see the boy, then changing it, then she'd be out when he got there, then she moved away, then she cut contact with the dad's parents as well. He has tried to get back in contact but she'll just dangle it in front of him and then at the last minute tell him actually no, it's best if he doesn't see his son. He just doesn't have the mental fortitude to keep going through it anymore and tbh I can't blame him for that.

So no, I don't judge now.

bpirockin · 19/04/2021 18:33

Hard to say without knowing the full story. Sometimes people make it better for one partner to cut all contact than stay around and fight, which is no good for anyone.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/04/2021 18:34

DH’s very good friend did this. We had no idea. We’d known him for years as a childless unmarried man. Apparently she gave him too much grief and it was easier not to see them.... or pay for them. He told is he’d left them several years earlier and before we met him. He didn’t even know where they lives. He was a real go with the flow type personality and never made waves. He didn’t feel shame. I honestly think he thought he was doing his best.

Omg did we judge. The friendship fizzled out from that point. I would struggle to have respect for a man, who left his children. Therefore, yes I would judge.

user1487194234 · 19/04/2021 18:34

Yes I do judge

malificent7 · 19/04/2021 18:35

Yes i would judge like fuck...and the man too.

IbrahimaRedTwo · 19/04/2021 18:35

For every poor man whose big bad ex kept him away, there are a thousand who walked away all by themselves.
Stop excusing the massive majority because of a tiny minority. It's idiotic.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 19/04/2021 18:36

I'm one of the children where the father was summarily pushed away and refused access as punishment/because I was her property - he went on to have further children.

He was apparently never the same afterwards.

She even lied about his name so I couldn't trace him as an adult, deciding that she'd tell me when she determined it to be the right time.

Well, the right time for her turned out to be after he died (she didn't know this and I had no interest in telling her because she wouldn't care; it would have probably given her great pleasure to hear that she left it nine weeks too late - I'd unwittingly spoken to him in the course of my first job the month beforehand.

Bibidy · 19/04/2021 18:36

Funny how so many hear about these psycho bitches second hand but never encounter such women themselves in their own lives, whether through work or school mum socialising or whatever. You'd think with the legions of deranged bitter exes stalking the land that other women would have at least met one or two.

Have you really never met any??

Amongst my friends, there is one who is already a 'nightmare ex' - I just wrote on another thread about how she demanded to attend the birthday party for her son that his ex and gf were having at their house with their friends! She went absolutely wild about it. I also have another close friend who has been pretty clear that if her child's dad split up with her 'he would never see my daughter again'.

They are out there, trust me. And these 2 are my actual friends!

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 19/04/2021 18:37

@IbrahimaRedTwo

For every poor man whose big bad ex kept him away, there are a thousand who walked away all by themselves. Stop excusing the massive majority because of a tiny minority. It's idiotic.
Thanks for letting me know I'm an idiot because I know there are women like that out there.
Devlesko · 19/04/2021 18:37

I feel sorry for them because they obviously think he'll become Prince Charming.
So many women have low bars, not just on this, it's really sad.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 19/04/2021 18:38

OP... from your post:
Obviously I can only go off what my friend has said. She hasn't been able to get much out of him about it apparently other than he was young and wasn't with their Mum long and wasn't ready for a family. As far as she is aware he hasn't made any effort to see them but obviously that doesn't mean he hasn't.

So, what's to judge here? You have scant information. You'd judge your friend though? And invite others to do so also?

Weird.

Bul21ia · 19/04/2021 18:38

Do you know the ins and outs OP? I think it depends on the era and so on... when you watch shows like long lost families it’s complex.

Theunamedcat · 19/04/2021 18:38

Two sides to every story true but my exes wife is batshit crazy ive spoken to her on the phone and corrected her she still thinks I'm a liar for example one day he didn't turn up we waited and waited dd was agitated there is a park in the next road so I text him we are going to the park meet us there and go she rings me he has forgotten his phone we go back to the house leave a note the neighbours had been out the entire time (ten minutes) and not seen him he never showed up that day or since she rang me up screaming and slagged me off to everyone that I deliberately took her out and left no note to spite him he was supposed to collect her from school and didn't show up we waited an hour on top of that before I took her to the park but im the one stopping him seeing his precious "first born" child

He actually saw her regularly till he got his wife pregnant

The thing is he has a child from when he was 16 he abandoned her too his wife doesn't believe that either she claims im a troublemaker for asking about it when I found out (years later) so she isnt even his first born she is just the first one she "knows" about

I have zero respect for her she has willingly and maliciously separated them and blamed everyone else for her actions

toocold54 · 19/04/2021 18:39

I would not be able to understand how a woman would want to have children with a man who has form form abandoning children. I would judge, yes. But I would judge the man more.

Absolutely this.

I met someone who I thought was almost perfect and then I found out he had a child but had no contact with so I ended it. A lot will say the mother stopped me etc but then you would go to court to get access.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 19/04/2021 18:39

What does 'I'd judge like fuck' even mean? How does that manifest itself? I'm genuinely curious about this as it appears on so many threads.

MintyMabel · 19/04/2021 18:40

Nope. I wouldn’t choose to be with someone like that myself (unless there was a solid backstory), but I’m not about to judge another person for their choices, especially when I barely know any details.

My sister had a relationship with a guy who didn’t see his daughter for about 8 years. His wife had moved her to Australia to be with the new man in her life. He initially denied her permission to go but she took him to court, asking for permission for her new husband to adopt the girl and he had a choice to either let her go or risk losing her forever. In the end they came back because the relationship broke down, but he’d never have been able to afford to visit her over there.

Everyone has their own reasons to be with someone, it isn’t my place to decide they are wrong.

Swipe left for the next trending thread