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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you judge women who stay with men who don't see their children?

337 replies

BlatantPineapple · 19/04/2021 16:41

A close friends situation got me thinking about this sort of thing...

Basically her Dad has older children from before she was born who he never sees and she has never met.

He has been married to her Mum for a long time now and she has two brothers. She says he's always been a good Dad to them but I know she finds it strange that she has siblings out there somewhere who she has no idea about.

Whenever she mentions it I just can't help but feel really sorry for his older children. How hurtful it must be to know your Dad is a good father to other children but never bothered with you.

I also wondered how I'd feel as his wife (my friends Mum). I don't think I'd be able to be with a Man who did that, would you? Would you judge a woman who was with a man who'd abandoned and never seen his children?

OP posts:
flippertygibbit · 19/04/2021 19:35

No - my DP does not see his son due to the behaviour of his ex. All our £ and property is left to his son with a letter, saying we've always known where he is and how he is and how he's always been in our thoughts. We've resisted all temptation to slate his mother and tell the truth about what went on, it would be pointless. Sad all round really. I wouldn't judge until you know the full story.

Comeonmommy · 19/04/2021 19:36

My friend's husband has an older child he doesn't really see. He has tried everything snd always paid on time. The ex refuses to let him see his child and has told the child so many horrific lies about him it's heart breaking. How can you judge him? The courts don't care and the ex just cries snd tells the child how evil dad is dragging them back to court snd how upsetting it is etc - he can't win!!

WyfOfBathe · 19/04/2021 19:37

I wouldn't do it myself, but I wouldn't judge without knowing all the details.

My stepdaughter lives with me and her dad. Her mum hasn't had contact in years and doesn't pay maintenance. She has complex mental health issues and isn't well enough to look after a child (the courts agree) but I wouldn't judge someone for having a relationship with her. I would worry if she had more children though.

Gingertam · 19/04/2021 19:51

I would judge the men. It's up to the women if they stay with the men, but I couldn't be with a man like that. I've never felt the same about a friend's husband after she told me he had grown up kids he hadn't seen since his divorce years ago. The mother wasn't even difficult with contact, it was just that she moved " to the other end of the country". My friend's children have half siblings they don't even know about. I also think it's a bit of an excuse a lot of the time that they can't see their kids. Probably a few genuine cases, but lots of men just can't be bothered when they start another family with somebody else.

Dizzydream · 19/04/2021 19:52

There are some women who seem to go for total deadbeats...my abusive ex who has been in court for dv against 3 women (i was the first) and who had children with all 3 of us who he is not allowed to see by courts say, has never been single from what I can tell and even the two women after me who knew his behaviour to me and that he was allowed zero contact with my children went on to get with him and have babies with him. Some women genuinely don't care what their partner has done before them and believe they will be the one they change/stay for.

Thisnamewasnttaken123 · 19/04/2021 20:00

I always remember my ex writing on Facebook over how much he missed his children.
He couldn't eat or sleep without them..
He had so many people feeling sorry for him.
Absolutely amazing actor.
Truth was he didn't want my kids.
He would ask my little boy why he was ringing him when he would ring him and tell him to go away.
Tell my little boy to his face he didn't want him when he came around to harass me.
He wouldn't come and see my kids and had an obsession with hounding me.
It's like double the abuse, claiming you are a victim when you are the abuser, it's all types of fucked up.

bogoffmda · 19/04/2021 20:00

Varied reasons but yes I do. My Ex slowly reduced contact as is new partner made life so difficult - I have no respect for either of them now.

Thankfully he left her but the damage to our eldest is not forgotten by the DC. YOunger one less affected.

Accept there are varied reasons but if you truly want to you will maintain contact - come whatmay

feellikeanalien · 19/04/2021 20:07

Having seen the lifelong issues my late DP had because his dad abandoned him when he was a baby, along with his four brothers and sisters, I would totally judge any man who did this. He had no contact with them whatsoever and to this day we don't know if he is dead or alive.

The thing that I found most surprising was that DPs mum told me that his dad was the love of her life. She had married twice again after he left (didn't have any more children with them) but, despite all he had done she still felt like that. If any man did that to my DD I just couldn't feel like that about him.

As for a woman who had a relationship with such a man I would think the chances of the same thing happening to her would be fairly high but would wonder what he had actually told her before making any judgement.

alwayswrighty · 19/04/2021 20:11

No I wouldn't judge. Mainly because I'm a NRP Mum. My ex husband has completed the parental alienation and now my 10 year old won't even speak to me, let alone see me.

It costs thousands to go through court, and I cannot afford to keep trying that route. Plus after 5 years it is mentally draining and I got to the point I nearly had a breakdown, so yes, no judgement from me.

Handsoffstrikesagain · 19/04/2021 20:13

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

FancySomeChips · 19/04/2021 20:17

Yes I’d judge her and him.

Society needs to start making these men pay for abandoning their kids, they and any future partners should be social outcasts for dumping children.

BlueDahlia69 · 19/04/2021 20:22

@alwayswrighty

No I wouldn't judge. Mainly because I'm a NRP Mum. My ex husband has completed the parental alienation and now my 10 year old won't even speak to me, let alone see me.

It costs thousands to go through court, and I cannot afford to keep trying that route. Plus after 5 years it is mentally draining and I got to the point I nearly had a breakdown, so yes, no judgement from me.

Im sorry to read this, and your situation is not unusual.

I too do not judge.

alwayswrighty · 19/04/2021 20:29

@BlueDahlia69 I've resigned myself to it being one of those things.

I do pay child support I hasten to add. Children still cost money! One day she'll see.

Aimee1987 · 19/04/2021 20:46

I would judge a parent who walked away and voluntarily had nothing to do with their kids.
However both the public perception of parent ( ie. Mum should always be the main carer) and the court systems were not in the favour of the father up untill fairly recently (latest in the 2000s)
I know a friend who lived with his dad till he was 4 and never saw his mum. After he turned 4 she showed up and said I want my son back. Dad had been resident parent for all his life but court handed him back to mum who then refused access to his father ( he kept fighting but got nowhere). She was an alcoholic who made his life a living hell. Hes now no contact with his mother but has a fractured relationship with his father and half siblings on dads side.

I wouldn't be so quick to jump to the conclusion that he just walked away unless you knew the story.

BlueDahlia69 · 19/04/2021 20:49

[quote alwayswrighty]@BlueDahlia69 I've resigned myself to it being one of those things.

I do pay child support I hasten to add. Children still cost money! One day she'll see.[/quote]

yes ... sadly parental alienation is real 🌸

toocold54 · 19/04/2021 20:50

My friend got with a man who had 6 kids, all with different women and believed him when he said they were stopping him from seeing them. She got pregnant by him anyway and when she was a couple of weeks near her due date found out another women was pregnant by him just a few weeks apart. He ended up not being a part of those children’s lives and he’s now with someone else who is apparently pregnant.
When though she is my friend I definitely judged her (probably more just for being so stupid) but I of course judge him a million times more.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 19/04/2021 20:53

My BILs ex even tried to stop my niece going to the same primary as her DD. There was literally no reason for her not to go. The ex just didn't like it. She'd eff and blind at us in the street. The school had to stop her going in ad hoc because of all the lies she was telling. Her child is probably going to have to change primary school in year 4 because of her behaviour. Luckily, her social media is fully open so we know how she will try to spin it and know what evidence to present.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 19/04/2021 20:55

Also, I have a friend who had a child with a total dickhead. He saw her son the day he was born and never since. She sends school photos and a Christmas card with photos every year so if her child ever questions her she can show she tried.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 19/04/2021 20:55

I would judge both where one doesn’t see existing children.. Even more so if they have more children.

Angrypregnantlady · 19/04/2021 21:02

I don't agree with the "she won't let him see them" excuse. How many mothers here would just accept that the father of their children won't let them see their kids?
You'd just sit there complaining that he lives too far away/ won't agree a contact schedule that works round your job/ won't tell you where he lives even. No. You turn up at every school, every relatives house, You'd save every penny you made to pay for lawyers. You'd fight tooth and nail for your kids. You wouldn't go out and find yourself a new boyfriend and replace your kids with new ones.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 19/04/2021 21:02

How any woman could go near a man that didn’t financially provide for his own children is beyond me

I know but given many of both sexes don’t financially provide for their children it’s very common.
If there were harsher penalties for failing to work and provide maybe there would be less of it going on and society would change its views and things would improve.

Babygotblueyes · 19/04/2021 21:02

My step dad was not allowed to see his children after he left their mum. He tried everything, and even resorted to hiring a PI every year to check up on them when it became clear he would not be able to see them. So for parents like that, I wouldnt feel badly about them. But for people who dont make the effort, yes, I would wonder about them and certainly would not want to be with them myself.

ddl1 · 19/04/2021 21:09

It does depend on the situation. If he just isn't bothered about his own children, I would most certainly judge him! I would probably judge the new partner to a degree, though it depends slightly on the situation: if the first family are adults, it's a bit different from ignoring your own young children. Still not good, though. On the other hand sometimes it's the ex who's refusing to let the man see his children.

MarcelinesMa · 19/04/2021 21:25

Yeah I judge, rightly or wrongly. Same as I do the ones who know their partner isn’t paying child support. I know a few women who are with men like this and they’re all so open about it, there’s always a totally lame excuse for why the loser man doesn’t pay child support or see the kids and it’s usually all his ex’s fault.

pollylocketpickedapocket · 19/04/2021 21:31

This is my dad. I did actually meet my siblings when I was about 10 and I’ve had sporadic contact, we see them for a while than contact stops. One sibling has fuck all to do with dad at anytime and though I don’t blame him, he is a terrible father to his own children too.
I feel my mum has let my dad get away with treating her appalling for the length of their relationship and while I love my mum, I give my dad a wide berth. He was a shit father and I keep my dd away as much as possible. If it wasn’t for my mum I’d definitely be no contact.