Page 11 | Do you judge women who stay with men who don't see their children?

BlatantPineapple · 2021-04-19T15:41:24+00:00

A close friends situation got me thinking about this sort of thing... Basically her Dad has older children from before she was born who he never sees and she has never met. He has been married to her Mum for a long time now and she has two brothers. She says he's always been a good Dad to them but I know she finds it strange that she has siblings out there somewhere who she has no idea about. Whenever she mentions it I just can't help but feel really sorry for his older children. How hurtful it must be to know your Dad is a good father to other children but never bothered with you. I also wondered how I'd feel as his wife (my friends Mum). I don't think I'd be able to be with a Man who did that, would you? Would you judge a woman who was with a man who'd abandoned and never seen his children?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 20/04/2021 12:58

Not sure I would judge, I know men who don't see their kids because they are feckless bastards, men that don't see them because of a vindictive ex, and menthat have managed to make step families work.

What I would say is without fail the f

aSofaNearYou · 20/04/2021 13:03

@IbrahimaRedTwo

I don't think it's reasonable to expect someone to follow you back to your own home country, and I'd say someone who does that is likely doing it in the hope that the other parent doesn't follow

I think you are missing the point. It's not about whether its reasonable to expect someone to move to follow you, or expecting them not to. What I am saying is what kind of parent doesn't want to? If your children were moved to another country by their other parent, would you not follow them? Would you move as far as you could in the other direction?

I mean I get what you are saying, I would follow my DD anywhere, but there is a distinct lack of empathy for what it is actually like to be a NRP with a low amount of access, experiencing parental alienation, and be faced with a decision like this. The honest truth that people don't want to admit is that sometimes circumstances can degrade your relationship with your kids to the point where you know it is never going to be what it should be. Totally uprooting your life to live in a different, random country might not automatically mean a fruitful bond. Sometimes people do end up in a situation where they have to let go, or would gain very little from not doing so. It's unfathomable to RPs who are not used to anything obstructing their bond with their own children, but it is a sad thing that does happen.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 20/04/2021 13:03

Sorry fat fingers posted to soon

Without fail the feckless bastards have all gone on to continue to be feckless bastards and not make a success with their 'new' family. So if the person in question was in a long term stable relationship with the man being a good father to the new children I would assume there was more to it than him just abandoning his other children

Ofallthethings · 20/04/2021 13:09

@Soubriquet

Absolutely judge them yes

There is a dad at my dc’s school who has left his partner with whom he has two dc and has raised another from a baby (so 3 kids) and has gotten with another mother from the school who has her children.

He has now rejected all contact with his children and completely cut off everything from his adopted child.

When he’s picking up his gf’s kids from the school, he ignores his kids

I absolutely judge him for it and find him a complete bastard

Wow that is absolutely awful. Those poor kids, imagine how much that must hurt. I would judge the man a lot more , if he was not making any effort to see his kids, but I suppose I would probably think the woman was being quite naive.

IbrahimaRedTwo · 20/04/2021 13:30

I mean I get what you are saying, I would follow my DD anywhere, but there is a distinct lack of empathy for what it is actually like to be a NRP with a low amount of access, experiencing parental alienation, and be faced with a decision like this. The honest truth that people don't want to admit is that sometimes circumstances can degrade your relationship with your kids to the point where you know it is never going to be what it should be. Totally uprooting your life to live in a different, random country might not automatically mean a fruitful bond. Sometimes people do end up in a situation where they have to let go, or would gain very little from not doing so. It's unfathomable to RPs who are not used to anything obstructing their bond with their own children, but it is a sad thing that does happen

I understand that, and I feel terribly sorry for those people who it happens to. But IME its not usually the case. Much more often they just can't be bothered, or make a very small effort. More than one in 5 fathers with a second family have zero contact with the children from the first. Why is that? It's not all mean exs keeping them away.

hamandcgeese · 20/04/2021 13:32

He wasn't with her for long

hamandcgeese · 20/04/2021 13:34

Quote fail .. anyway he managed to have children not just a child with someone he wasn't with for long.

I do know someone who really tries to see their kids but the ex doesn't want it. There's two sides, but he says she poisoned them against him.

Marshasthorn · 20/04/2021 13:44

Depends on the situation but there are always two sides to a story and then the truth.

I know a man who is a father to 5 children.

First three with ex wife. He doesn’t have any contact with them.

2 grown up kids to his current wife who he’s an amazing father to.

Story is the first three kids are unbearable and only want him for his money.

Though the story comes from one of the kids from his second marriage and he is not the most honest person either.

So fuck knows what’s gone on there.

I do know huge family arguments erupt when he talks about leaving $$s for his kids with ex wife.

He’s worth a few million.

RightOnTheEdge · 20/04/2021 13:51

I had a boyfriend when I was 20 who had two kids he didn't see.
He was all oh my evil ex won't let me see them blah blah!
He did eventually start to see them after we had been together a few years and I totally started to doubt his side of the story.
Now I'm older and have dc of my own then I see it through totally different eyes. I would find it very difficult to find a man attractive who didn't see or fight for his children.

BlueDahlia69 · 20/04/2021 13:59

This Thread is shocking

IbrahimaRedTwo · 20/04/2021 14:04

Story is the first three kids are unbearable and only want him for his money

That he would talk about the children he abandoned that way says a lot, don't you think? Maybe they do now only want him for his money, if they have never got any actual parenting from him.

Bibidy · 20/04/2021 14:23

@IbrahimaRedTwo

It's not right that she made that choice

You have no basis for saying that at all. There are a thousand reasons she may have been right to make that choice.

But you have even less basis for saying that she 'probably had good reasons'.

On the face of it, the decision is not the right thing to do as it means the children are separated from their other parent and are so far away that it's difficult for him to have a relationship with them, even if he'd stayed in the UK - and we only have the 'on the face of it'.

I think you're being naive to think that some mothers just can't be arsed to deal with their children's fathers anymore once they've split and so do make moves like this to primarily suit themselves, as if the children are only theirs. (Not to say this was the case in this specific example).

TrustTheGeneGenie · 20/04/2021 14:24

@IbrahimaRedTwo

Story is the first three kids are unbearable and only want him for his money

That he would talk about the children he abandoned that way says a lot, don't you think? Maybe they do now only want him for his money, if they have never got any actual parenting from him.

You are allowed to dislike your own adult children. Hth.

Jellybabiesforbreakfast · 20/04/2021 14:29

Story is the first three kids are unbearable and only want him for his money.

Well, if he hasn't bothered to build a relationship with them, it's not surprising they've decided that his only use is a walking ATM. As social workers can tell you, most children are almost pathetically eager to love even the most useless parents. And children with absent parents often show hugely disproportionate loyalty to the absent parent and make excuses or blame the other parent for them not being there. It's often only when they grow up and later have children themselves that, looking back, they realise how shit their dad (or mum, in the very few cases where she abandoned the children) was in reality.

Crimeismymiddlename · 20/04/2021 14:35

The man yes, the women I would just assume always have it at the back of their mind that he will do the same to them.

Marshasthorn · 20/04/2021 14:35

@IbrahimaRedTwo

Story is the first three kids are unbearable and only want him for his money

That he would talk about the children he abandoned that way says a lot, don't you think? Maybe they do now only want him for his money, if they have never got any actual parenting from him.

That’s not him talking about the children that way. It’s the second wife’s kids who talk about it that way. The second wife’s kid also believe only him and his sibling are entitled to his millions not the other 3.

As far as I’m aware dad is the one who brings up the convo about inheritance and his current family shut it down.

He divorced his first wife , they argued a lot and split. He did have a relationship with the kids but it’s when the second wife got pregnant that the relationship with his first family deteriorated.

Like I said there are two sides and the then the truth.

Regardless I think it’s a miserable situation for everyone involved.

I’m not defending either! I’m just telling you what I know and what I know may not be the truth because it’s only one side of the story coming from the person who is adamant that his father’s millions belong to him!

He’s also quite good at accusing his own sibling about being a money grabber !

I’m not this person’s friend. He is a childhood friend with my partner.

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 20/04/2021 14:54

Absolutely. And I have nothing but contempt for the ones who fall for "my ex is crazy and won't let me see the kids" bollocks. Lots of them on MN.

alwayswrighty · 20/04/2021 15:39

This thread depresses me. I mean some people can't just up and move to the other end of the country if the RP does because of work/other family (parents). Life is never black and white.

Of course there are shit NRPs and there are shit RPs too every circumstance is different and people make decisions based on the information they have to hand at the time. You can't blame someone for that.

Bibidy · 20/04/2021 15:48

Of course there are shit NRPs and there are shit RPs too every circumstance is different

This is the crux of it.

Sometimes one parent is shit and just can't be bothered, and sometimes one parent does what they can to make it impossible for the other to continue a relationship with their children.

There's no one-size-fits-all.

IbrahimaRedTwo · 20/04/2021 16:22

As far as I’m aware dad is the one who brings up the convo about inheritance and his current family shut it down

And he lets them. And he let his first lot of kids go when he had a second lot and from the sound of it the second lot are horrors.

Marshasthorn · 20/04/2021 17:04

@IbrahimaRedTwo

As far as I’m aware dad is the one who brings up the convo about inheritance and his current family shut it down

And he lets them. And he let his first lot of kids go when he had a second lot and from the sound of it the second lot are horrors.

You’re invested

I can put you in touch and you can take it out on him if you would like?

gabsdot45 · 20/04/2021 17:11

My husband's dad left them when he was a teenager and he has hardly seen him since. He left DH and his brother and sister for a woman with 3 children the same ages as DH and his siblings. By all accounts he's been a good step dad and has 2 more kids with his new wife. They're a very close family from what I can see. DH has no relationship with his dad, he's a kind of distant uncle figure.
The sad thing is DH's brother has done almost the same thing with his kids.

FrippEnos · 20/04/2021 17:12

IbrahimaRedTwo

I think you are missing the point. It's not about whether its reasonable to expect someone to move to follow you, or expecting them not to. What I am saying is what kind of parent doesn't want to? If your children were moved to another country by their other parent, would you not follow them? Would you move as far as you could in the other direction?

A colleague who paid maintenance, had weekend and mid week contact never missed a payment or a chance to see his child should leave (or take) his new wife and child to a new country because his ex did a midnight flit with her new husband?

Yet here is the kicker, His family had money, enough money to fight his ex and managed to get 100% residence of his DC. (yes there is a huge back story)

The ex wife has never made an effort to come and see her child.

prawntoastie · 20/04/2021 18:50

Usually because the mother makes it impossible for the man to have a relationship with the child without making his life hell. The man just cannot be bothered with the threats of jail or the puppet strings.

I’m a woman who is with a man who had little access to his child because of the spiteful mother. I have seen him try.
I am also the sister of a man who has been threatened, lied on and life made hell because of a spiteful mother.

And please don’t mention family court like it is that simple and free. Plus why should grown adults who child is both the parents have to argue and fight in court over seeing their kid.

When my mum split with my dad she had no issues letting us see our dad, speak to him etc and my sister spilt with her child’s father never any issues.

Some women are spiteful and think they own the man after having a child with him however some men are what less and couldn’t care less about their kids.

prawntoastie · 20/04/2021 18:51

Sorry wrote that in my car hope it makes sense