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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you judge women who stay with men who don't see their children?

337 replies

BlatantPineapple · 19/04/2021 16:41

A close friends situation got me thinking about this sort of thing...

Basically her Dad has older children from before she was born who he never sees and she has never met.

He has been married to her Mum for a long time now and she has two brothers. She says he's always been a good Dad to them but I know she finds it strange that she has siblings out there somewhere who she has no idea about.

Whenever she mentions it I just can't help but feel really sorry for his older children. How hurtful it must be to know your Dad is a good father to other children but never bothered with you.

I also wondered how I'd feel as his wife (my friends Mum). I don't think I'd be able to be with a Man who did that, would you? Would you judge a woman who was with a man who'd abandoned and never seen his children?

OP posts:
AccidentallyOnPurpose · 20/04/2021 18:54

@prawntoastie

Usually because the mother makes it impossible for the man to have a relationship with the child without making his life hell. The man just cannot be bothered with the threats of jail or the puppet strings.

I’m a woman who is with a man who had little access to his child because of the spiteful mother. I have seen him try.
I am also the sister of a man who has been threatened, lied on and life made hell because of a spiteful mother.

And please don’t mention family court like it is that simple and free. Plus why should grown adults who child is both the parents have to argue and fight in court over seeing their kid.

When my mum split with my dad she had no issues letting us see our dad, speak to him etc and my sister spilt with her child’s father never any issues.

Some women are spiteful and think they own the man after having a child with him however some men are what less and couldn’t care less about their kids.

Do you have children? At what point Would you have given up?
aquashiv · 20/04/2021 18:58

I'm very suspicious when I hear the mum stops contact as an excuse for not seeing children. If I loved my kids I'd fight tooth and nail to see them. Courts are very very reluctant to stop contact so I'd call bull shit on that one

Cissyandflora · 20/04/2021 19:18

@aquashiv

I'm very suspicious when I hear the mum stops contact as an excuse for not seeing children. If I loved my kids I'd fight tooth and nail to see them. Courts are very very reluctant to stop contact so I'd call bull shit on that one
Totally agree. At what point would you give up on the children? Would a woman say- oh the dad is so spiteful that I’ve had to let him keep the children and I don’t see them because he’s so awful. Unfortunately my child’s father was one of the deadbeats. Tattoos of his children’s names so that people would see what a man he was. Yet no visits. No contact ever. He said it was because he couldn’t get on with me so it was best he stayed away. He lives a short distance from us still. Never visited.
EmeraldShamrock · 20/04/2021 19:23

Sorry wrote that in my car hope it makes sense It's clear what you wrote, it didn't make sense.

Wishitsnows · 20/04/2021 19:26

Yes, I do judge men who don't see their children. They always have some sob story of crazy ex. I don't believe that can be the case so often and they are the poor innocent party. I don't understand the subsequent women with these men believing everything they say. You can self represent at court and then bend over backwards to ensure a relationship with the father. I also don't understand the women who do all the work when the dads do see their children. It would be like being an unpaid babysitter.

alwayswrighty · 20/04/2021 19:35

@AccidentallyOnPurpose I'm not the poster you were referring to when asking the question, but I am a non resident Mum and I gave up after my finances were depleted, after the stress had caused me meningitis and after my daughter believed her Father's lies to the point she has blocked me on everything.

Court is expensive. My barrister is £1500 per day to get nowhere. So yes, I've given up and if that makes me a bad person in your eyes then so be it. You haven't got a clue.

Pebbledashery · 20/04/2021 19:38

Just adding my two pence in.. If I was seeing a bloke who didn't see his kids for whatever reason.. Absolutely I would ditch him faster than you can say Court order!! I would never respect a man like that.

namechangeaga1ne · 20/04/2021 19:39

I went out with someone who told me he had a kid living abroad and wanted me to go and meet her with him and make it a holiday. The kid was five and they split before she was one. He said his ex was being very difficult etc. I couldn't get past it, but didn't try too hard. Fathers should try to be there for their kids. Period.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 20/04/2021 19:40

@aquashiv

I'm very suspicious when I hear the mum stops contact as an excuse for not seeing children. If I loved my kids I'd fight tooth and nail to see them. Courts are very very reluctant to stop contact so I'd call bull shit on that one
You're right, they promote contact and what happens if the rp doesn't allow contact to happen?

Fuck all. Back to court you go.

Then what do you think happens?

TrustTheGeneGenie · 20/04/2021 19:40

@Pebbledashery

Just adding my two pence in.. If I was seeing a bloke who didn't see his kids for whatever reason.. Absolutely I would ditch him faster than you can say Court order!! I would never respect a man like that.
So you'd ditch him even if it was completely his exs fault and there was nothing he could do?

Nice.

Pebbledashery · 20/04/2021 19:52

@TrustTheGeneGenie I wouldn't get involved with a man who had contact issues in the first place because you'd get sucked into it all.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 20/04/2021 20:03

[quote Pebbledashery]@TrustTheGeneGenie I wouldn't get involved with a man who had contact issues in the first place because you'd get sucked into it all.[/quote]
Yep, this. No matter what the reason. If he really does have a "crazy ex" who won't let him see the kids I wouldn't want to be involved with him, too much drama.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 20/04/2021 20:10

[quote Pebbledashery]@TrustTheGeneGenie I wouldn't get involved with a man who had contact issues in the first place because you'd get sucked into it all.[/quote]
That's fair enough, and tbh I wouldn't even get with a man with kids again, but I find it unfair to tarr them all with the same brush.

Pebbledashery · 20/04/2021 20:14

I wouldn't say i would never get with a man with kids.. I'm a single parent and I always think if I met someone it would probably be easier to meet a single dad as they understand DD would always come first.. But in that circumstance, he would have to have regular contact with his child, amicably coparent and not have a bat shit crazy ex who thinks I'm trying to be an evil step mum... 🤔

TrustTheGeneGenie · 20/04/2021 20:17

@Pebbledashery

I wouldn't say i would never get with a man with kids.. I'm a single parent and I always think if I met someone it would probably be easier to meet a single dad as they understand DD would always come first.. But in that circumstance, he would have to have regular contact with his child, amicably coparent and not have a bat shit crazy ex who thinks I'm trying to be an evil step mum... 🤔
Yeah, dp and his ex were amicably co parenting, all I will say is things can change very quickly. If me and dp ever split, I wouldn't take the chance again.
ClarkeGriffin · 20/04/2021 20:46

@aSofaNearYou

Yep because why does she think that's correct behaviour? It's literally rewarding him with sex for abandoning his children, and setting yourself up for the next round of abandonment.

I know it's not really the point but "rewarding him with sex" is such an odd way to describe being in a relationship with someone. Where does that come from?

Its not how I would describe a normal relationship, but if you are choosing to be with a guy you know doesn't give a shit about his kids, doesn't pay for them etc you are literally rewarding that behaviour by giving him what he wants, whatever that is. And generally guys want sex. Why choose a guy like that in the first place, who clearly only gives a shit about himself and his needs? All he's thinking is 'cool I got away with it and found some other woman to shag until she gets pregnant and I dump her too'.
aSofaNearYou · 20/04/2021 20:51

Its not how I would describe a normal relationship, but if you are choosing to be with a guy you know doesn't give a shit about his kids, doesn't pay for them etc you are literally rewarding that behaviour by giving him what he wants, whatever that is. And generally guys want sex. Why choose a guy like that in the first place, who clearly only gives a shit about himself and his needs? All he's thinking is 'cool I got away with it and found some other woman to shag until she gets pregnant and I dump her too'

It's a bit of a leap to say someone that for whatever reason doesn't see his kids must be only interested in sex. They're not really connected issues.

ClarkeGriffin · 20/04/2021 20:53

@aSofaNearYou

Its not how I would describe a normal relationship, but if you are choosing to be with a guy you know doesn't give a shit about his kids, doesn't pay for them etc you are literally rewarding that behaviour by giving him what he wants, whatever that is. And generally guys want sex. Why choose a guy like that in the first place, who clearly only gives a shit about himself and his needs? All he's thinking is 'cool I got away with it and found some other woman to shag until she gets pregnant and I dump her too'

It's a bit of a leap to say someone that for whatever reason doesn't see his kids must be only interested in sex. They're not really connected issues.

Didn't say only interested in sex? Said he's likely to be wanting sex. But giving him whatever he wants is just rewarding him for being a shit father.
needsahouseboy · 20/04/2021 20:58

I'm the psycho ex that stops him seeing his child......erm nope, I've even got email proving that he has decided not to see his son. What's worse is he told my son that it was me stopping him and that has stopped him previously. I'd had enough and showed him the emails. He knows his Dad is a lying prick but wants some form of contact and that is my sons choice.
My twatty ex hasn't seen him for 3 years, back in contact in November......guess when he is going to see him in person.....August!! Fucking August!! Yet it's me that stops him seeing him. His wife is vile in my eyes as she has literally done nothing to encourage contact and funnily enough never wanted children. She is as bad as him in my eyes.

aSofaNearYou · 20/04/2021 21:03

Didn't say only interested in sex? Said he's likely to be wanting sex. But giving him whatever he wants is just rewarding him for being a shit father.

It's semantics I know, I just feel like "rewarding him with sex" is a pretty unhealthy stereotype for both sexes.

ClarkeGriffin · 20/04/2021 21:31

@aSofaNearYou

Didn't say only interested in sex? Said he's likely to be wanting sex. But giving him whatever he wants is just rewarding him for being a shit father.

It's semantics I know, I just feel like "rewarding him with sex" is a pretty unhealthy stereotype for both sexes.

And it's more unhealthy to be willing to be with someone as shit as that. If it means giving people like that a stereotype, so be it. Why be with someone who thinks abandoning their kids and not caring in the slightest is a good thing?

It's a bit odd that you're almost defending these kind of people. I don't get why when they really don't deserve it.

PollyPepper · 20/04/2021 21:33

I'd judge. I'm a stepmum to 4 SK's and if DH didn't see them I would never have married him.

ClarkeGriffin · 20/04/2021 21:33

@aSofaNearYou

Didn't say only interested in sex? Said he's likely to be wanting sex. But giving him whatever he wants is just rewarding him for being a shit father.

It's semantics I know, I just feel like "rewarding him with sex" is a pretty unhealthy stereotype for both sexes.

If it helps too, a family members wife abandoned him and their children for another man who gave her more presents than he did. Exchange sex for jewellery and you've got your reward again.

Doesn't really matter what it is. You're rewarding them by not being disgusted by it.

aSofaNearYou · 20/04/2021 21:44

*And it's more unhealthy to be willing to be with someone as shit as that. If it means giving people like that a stereotype, so be it. Why be with someone who thinks abandoning their kids and not caring in the slightest is a good thing?

It's a bit odd that you're almost defending these kind of people. I don't get why when they really don't deserve it.*

I'm not defending them, I'm questioning the use of the phrase in any context. It creates an unhealthy view of both men and women and how they interact with one another. It's just unnecessary.

ClarkeGriffin · 20/04/2021 21:52

@aSofaNearYou

*And it's more unhealthy to be willing to be with someone as shit as that. If it means giving people like that a stereotype, so be it. Why be with someone who thinks abandoning their kids and not caring in the slightest is a good thing?

It's a bit odd that you're almost defending these kind of people. I don't get why when they really don't deserve it.*

I'm not defending them, I'm questioning the use of the phrase in any context. It creates an unhealthy view of both men and women and how they interact with one another. It's just unnecessary.

How would you view them then?