Help me curse the scumbag who stole from me

[CautiousPractice]

Today I discovered that some utter scumbag has manged to obtain my bank details and spent my money on betting sites over the course of a day. This money was the deposit for my wedding.

Obviously I am dealing with getting my money back, and the other stuff you have to when this happens, but this asshole will probably just get away with it.

So, i've spent my lunch coming up with imaginative curses to wish upon him.

I curse him to always drop his toast topping side down on the hairiest patch of carpet.
To always be 1 digit out on the lottery numbers.
To get explosive diarrhoea whenever he's in a high stakes situation, like meeting a pretty girl, or a job interview.
To get intense crotch itches whenever hes chopping chillies, so that he ends up with fire crotch.
To never get an erection when he needs/wants one, but to always have one when he does not, like at a funeral, or a school or playground.
For his trousers to always be just a little bit too small and short, no matter how well they fit in the shop.

If you have anymore, I would welcome them.

May the hot babe he matches with on Tinder be a hairy handed catfish

My go by course: step into dog poo before important meetings or dates.

Best quote of the day, may his next shit be a hedgehog.

May all his shoes gives him blisters.
May his fingers always have papercuts.
May his breath smell forever rank.

May herring gulls everywhere shit on his head/ice cream/fish and chips/pint EVERY time he ventures out.

May his wife find out what a stealing scumbag he is and leave him, splashing the details all over FB so everyone knows.

May both sides of his pillow be hot.

I wish him diesel in his petrol tank which he doesn't notice until his engine dies and when he replaces it I wish him early transmission failure I'm the 3rd lane of the M25 at rush hour.

Then perhaps an unfortunate bout of gonorrhea.

May he step on Lego with bare feet every morning for the rest of his days.

or an upturned electric plug.

I curse him with a thousand itches he can never reach

Thank you for all of your curses, some of you are very imaginative. After a long day, about 70 phone calls, and lots of stressed tears, my bank have refunded all of the money. The 3rd betting site also confirmed a male person. Once the fraud teams and all the curses catch up to him, he is going to have a very bad day indeed.

The money is now back in my account, so I will be able to book our wedding. We are planning a very low key micro wedding/elopement for next year (after my bridezilla sisters), so this was a huge chunk of our budget to have had stolen and I'm very grateful to have it all returned so quickly.

All our collective cursing has willed the money back I reckon!

Glad it’s sorted. Congratulations on the wedding!

Yay!

May he always find half a worm in his apple

May he develop a severe allergy to his own semen

May he always get two flat tyres at the same time, in the middle of nowhere, pissing down with rain and no phone signal. At night.

May his underpants always be two sizes too small

may his phone battery always die at an important moment.

may he get grit in his contact lens

I hope both sides of his pillow are warm in the summer- no cooler sides for him.
And I hope his phone charger only works at one certain angle and he has to hold it in his phone for it to charge.
And I hope he jumps from a great height onto an upturned plug.

May both sides of his pillow be hot.

Now that’s just mean...

Glad you sorted it OP.

May all his train journeys be plagued by rail replacement bus services.

That he gets grade 4 piles

I hope he stubs his toe on the way to bed every night.
May he develop breath so appalling that everyone within three metres of him projectile vomits on his shoes.
May he spill tuna juice down his last clean shirt before an important day at work.

May the helpful employees at your bank be showered with delicious chocolates and bunches of flowers.

May he forever find that his online purchases are always out of stock.

May he step barefooted into a pool of cold cat sick on the stairs at 3 in the morning, so that it squidges between his toes.

May he get raging indigestion every time he eats his favourite meal.

May he develop tonsils stones unknowingly so that he repels everyone away with his repugnant breath but he doesn’t know why.

May he get a splinter up under his toenail.

May he get a bit of grit in his eye that’s impossible to find but always there irritating the hell out of him.

@MangoBiscuit

May his tea drinking always be interrupted, until it is just a little bit too cold to really enjoy, but not enough to bother making a new one.

Ooh, you're a hard woman @MangoBiscuit - I'd hate for you to be my enemy!

May a pigeon shit on his head every day for 1000 days!

ps: so glad you had the money refunded! I think these curses should transfer to all scamming thieves!