Help me curse the scumbag who stole from me

[CautiousPractice]

Today I discovered that some utter scumbag has manged to obtain my bank details and spent my money on betting sites over the course of a day. This money was the deposit for my wedding.

Obviously I am dealing with getting my money back, and the other stuff you have to when this happens, but this asshole will probably just get away with it.

So, i've spent my lunch coming up with imaginative curses to wish upon him.

I curse him to always drop his toast topping side down on the hairiest patch of carpet.
To always be 1 digit out on the lottery numbers.
To get explosive diarrhoea whenever he's in a high stakes situation, like meeting a pretty girl, or a job interview.
To get intense crotch itches whenever hes chopping chillies, so that he ends up with fire crotch.
To never get an erection when he needs/wants one, but to always have one when he does not, like at a funeral, or a school or playground.
For his trousers to always be just a little bit too small and short, no matter how well they fit in the shop.

If you have anymore, I would welcome them.

[ravenmum]

It's statistically more likely to be a man, but if it is a woman, may her bra be slightly wrong fitting in such a way that it looks terrible from behind and she doesn't realise until several months later.

[amusedbush]

May his poops be jaggy ones for the rest of his life.

May he be stuck beside a chatty stranger on every flight he takes.

May he never be able to find a tupperware lid or a sock without a hole at the toes.

[Alwaysconfuddled]

May every traffic light be on red

[MrsMoastyToasty]

May his underpants give him a perennial wedgie.

[HumousWhereTheHeartIs]

May an unexpected Direct Debit always leave his account the day before pay day

[Anjo2011]

May the same thing happen to him/her in the future and these all of their small problems become big ones. Also, may they stand on as many upturned plugs and as many Lego pieces as possible.

[CautiousPractice]

To answer questions - The first site accidentally said He, and that he'd changed details for pay out. I said that it was a dumb system, she said she would pass my feedback on to the team that deals with that.

Second site were less data protection minded, said it was a he, and that looking at the account he'd done this a few times using different cards for pay in, then changing for pay out, to what was clearly his own as it was always the same account for pay out. I again said the system was dumb and an invite for fraud, comments passed on.

Third - still waiting on call back, but can only assume its the same asshole. He also made the most deposits on this one, so can only assume hes really shit and won nothing.

Im loving all the curses. Helping to cheer me up a little.

[OfaFrenchmind2]

May he always find a short curly hair in his food.

[MichelleScarn]

May all his post have insufficient stamps on it so they have to go to the post office and pay to receive it.

[gamerchick]

Really glad I don't have online banking when I read stuff like this. Hope you get your money back OP. Cheeky fucker.

[HumousWhereTheHeartIs]

May he drop every mobile phone down the loo

[ToffeePennie]

May they always have a Hella Durum just in the painful part of their foot that never quite can be gotten out.

[OfaFrenchmind2]

May he always have a small child kicking his seat in the plane.

[Sstrongtn]

May his fingernail always go through his toilet roll.

May he live in interesting times as Pratchett would say.

May his tap closest to his bed always drip in a non rhythmic fashion.

[JaneJeffer]

I have an old Irish curse for him - droch áird chuige lá gaoithe, which means may he be badly positioned on a windy day.

[Atalune]

May he forever miss the breakfast window at McDonald’s and instead of a sausage and egg McMuffin at 11am he has to have a smelly Big Mac.

May he forever be plagued by lost and misplaced keys.

[HarebrightCedarmoon]

May he walk forever with prawns sewn into his clothes, and get painful piles when he sits down.

Really glad I don't have online banking when I read stuff like this

Naïve to think your details could not be stolen otherwise. With online banking I'd know in seconds about any spending I don't recognise.

[amusedbush]

@MrsMoastyToasty

May his underpants give him a perennial wedgie.

Perennial perineal discomfort, you could say

[GloriaSicTransitMundi]

May dogs mistake him for a lamppost, and may next door's tomcat pee in his bed.

[AnotherCupOfTeaVicar]

That every cup of tea he orders has had the rim licked and every plate of food he orders has been dribbled on

[GloriaSicTransitMundi]

@amusedbush

Perennial perineal prickly painful perforations, permanently

[procrastinationexpert]

May he spill his newly-made tea on his crotch when he's sitting in his pants watching his team lose.

[wesowereonabreak]

May something or someone in the neighbourhood wake him up every hour of every night for the rest of his life.

May he has to live the rest of his life over a cheap and questionable fish shop.

[Tlollj]

May every fart be a shit.

[4cats2kids]

May a flesh eating bug infect his penis