Help me curse the scumbag who stole from me

[CautiousPractice]

Today I discovered that some utter scumbag has manged to obtain my bank details and spent my money on betting sites over the course of a day. This money was the deposit for my wedding.

Obviously I am dealing with getting my money back, and the other stuff you have to when this happens, but this asshole will probably just get away with it.

So, i've spent my lunch coming up with imaginative curses to wish upon him.

I curse him to always drop his toast topping side down on the hairiest patch of carpet.
To always be 1 digit out on the lottery numbers.
To get explosive diarrhoea whenever he's in a high stakes situation, like meeting a pretty girl, or a job interview.
To get intense crotch itches whenever hes chopping chillies, so that he ends up with fire crotch.
To never get an erection when he needs/wants one, but to always have one when he does not, like at a funeral, or a school or playground.
For his trousers to always be just a little bit too small and short, no matter how well they fit in the shop.

If you have anymore, I would welcome them.

@SeventyEleven

I am not overly familiar with betting websites but wouldn’t any winnings come back into your account?

As in, back onto the same card? Or I guess he puts money in and then changes the settings so any time he wins it pays to a different account? Which must look a bit suspicious.

May he have crazy frog as an eternal ear worm.

Just cross your fingers he wins, then the money should be sent to your account. I was told that apparently its very rare for people to use people's details for gambling, because if they win they won't get the money. Oh really? I doubt an addict cares to be honest lady from the bank of Scotland.

May all his bets lose

May his steak always be slightly over cooked.
May his shoes always be half a size too small.
May he always have an itch in the middle of his back in that one space you just can’t reach.

May they never have a good nights sleep ever again.

May his takeaway forever be lukewarm.
May his white wash always have a stray red sock.
May his wifi fail in the last 30 seconds of every ebay auction he bids on.

Although also may he rot in hell with the scumbag who stole my bike.

May his anus be eternally and incurably itchy.

As you've now confirmed it's a he...

May his back be eternally itchy in a place he can never quite reach.

SeventyEleven
I am not overly familiar with betting websites but wouldn’t any winnings come back into your account?
As in, back onto the same card? Or I guess he puts money in and then changes the settings so any time he wins it pays to a different account? Which must look a bit suspicious

Oh, well, that’s ok then

May he always explosively shit himself in the company of every attractive woman/man , depending on his preference.

For him to grow a very small but dangly wart on the side of his forehead which looks enough like a tiny penis that whenever anyone meets him, they spend the entire exchange thinking “does that man really have a penis growing out of his head?”

May his arsehole grow tastebuds

May he hit every red light whenever he is running late.

May his next fart be explosive and burn all his hairs in the surrounding area

May all his itches be unreachable

May he wake in the morning with his sweaty hairy scrotum magically attached to the underside of his nose.

May his savings account be hijacked and the account emptied just when he had hit his saving goal for whatever he wanted.

@SignOnTheWindow

May his anus be eternally and incurably itchy.

Exactly what I was going to say, but you phrased it better!

May the milk always be slightly off every time he makes a cup of tea.

But my favourite (and it works as a blessing too) May he always get exactly what he deserves in life.

@Flaunch

May he always need a wee.

And even more desperately when in an endless and inexplicable traffic jam.

May he fall prey to a really obvious conman who robs him of precisely twice the amount he stole from you.

I like your curses but - are you sure the culprit is male?

May his team always lose.
May he always have incurable body odour.
May his clothes always catch on door handles.
May he forever have piles

May every drink he ever has spill itself down his front.