Help me curse the scumbag who stole from me

[CautiousPractice]

Today I discovered that some utter scumbag has manged to obtain my bank details and spent my money on betting sites over the course of a day. This money was the deposit for my wedding.

Obviously I am dealing with getting my money back, and the other stuff you have to when this happens, but this asshole will probably just get away with it.

So, i've spent my lunch coming up with imaginative curses to wish upon him.

I curse him to always drop his toast topping side down on the hairiest patch of carpet.
To always be 1 digit out on the lottery numbers.
To get explosive diarrhoea whenever he's in a high stakes situation, like meeting a pretty girl, or a job interview.
To get intense crotch itches whenever hes chopping chillies, so that he ends up with fire crotch.
To never get an erection when he needs/wants one, but to always have one when he does not, like at a funeral, or a school or playground.
For his trousers to always be just a little bit too small and short, no matter how well they fit in the shop.

If you have anymore, I would welcome them.

[headhurtstoomuch]

May it happen to him and some sod steals his bank details and buys expensive handbags, holidays and eat at the Ritz every day for a week.

[ConcussedPigeon]

May he be covered in paper cuts and rolled in salt.

[wesowereonabreak]

erectile dysfunction and adult acne.

misspelt tattoo.

[listsandbudgets]

May he contract threadworms and nits and never be able to rid himself of them.

May his washing machine break mid cycle with his best clothes in it.

May his ears and toes develop an endless cycle of fungal infections.

May his sleep be infested by nightmares and his mattress always be lumpy.


I'm sorry OP what an awful thing to happen to you. Hope the bank can sort it out.

[MumW]

May he have constant sciatica.

[fabulousathome]

May his buyer exchange but not complete, repeatedly.

May his radiators leak.

[ChardonnaysPetDragon]

May he never find a parking space when it’s raining.

[angelofthenorth72]

@Flaunch

May he always need a wee.

And never be able to find a public toilet that's open

[LadyLindaT]

There is a bus with his name on next time he crosses the road.

[listsandbudgets]

I'm beginning to feel just a tinsy winsy bit sorry for this person if ALL the curses hit him simultaneously

[Bvop]

all traffic lights he approaches must turn to red

[lovemyflipflops]

May he always see a shadow in the corner of the room of someone who is never there -

[Pebbledashery]

May he soil his pants in irrevocable style on his wedding day just as he says "I do",

May he choke on his food in a restaurant Pierce Brosnan style in Mrs Doubtfire

May he do squats in the gym trying to impress his potential wife and his pants split exposing his hairy, disgusting backside.

May he die in his own piss and vomit

🤮🤣

[GrandDuchessRomanov]

I've got a mini voodoo doll OP. I've just stuck several very large and long hat pins into it for you.

That'll learn em!

[Mabelface]

May he dribble a bit when he goes for a wee, leaving a very visible wet patch on the crotch of his trousers

May his shoes always have a stone in

May he develop a permanent ear worm of agadoo.

[NeverDropYourMoonCup]

May his new next door neighbours on one side own a small, anxious dog that hates being left alone whilst they are deaf as a post (evidenced by the volume they leave their television on 'for the dog' all day and night) and on the other side, consist of a Dad learning the drums, Mum into amateur operatics, one child learning the violin and the other the trumpet. When they aren't completely redecorating, starting with sanding the floors every evening and weekend, then stripping wallpaper by hand, then sanding down the woodwork. and may they then decide that house isn't big enough and get planning permission to double the footprint, casting his garden in permanent shade, and to have a loft conversion. All of which Dad is doing after work/drum practice, so he takes 5 years to complete it all. Which is when Mum decides it's time to redecorate again.

[ScrambledSmegs]

May he be cloaked in an aura of kippers till the end of his days.

May he receive an inexplicable paper cut from every wad of toilet paper.

[dodobookends]

May he accidentally rub his eyes every time he chops chillies.

[Joinedjustforthispost]

Really sorry this happened op, it also happened to my poor dad who is semi retired and is a paramedic, his bank completely blocked his account whilst it took weeks to investigate just to prove my dad had done everything to be careful with his details etc. We helped him out with money just so he could afford to put fuel in his car to get to work! It got sorted after about 6 weeks and he got his money refunded, some sh@CautiousPractice

[HowToBringABlushToTheSnow]

@Hoppinggreen

May his next shit be a hedgehog

Hahaha amazing

[Pebbledashery]

May his wife leave him, divorce him and take him for absolutely everything.

[Kpo58]

May his nipples fall off in the shower and clog up the plug hole.

[MotherOfAllZipFiles]

May he always work night shift when the clocks go back

May he always wake up at the same time every night at 02:34am and cannot get back to sleep as every embarrassing moment/ severe regret haunts him continuously

May the biggest spider has ever seen in his life drops on his head as he has a shower, and shampoo gets in his eyes and he cant find said spider

May he always find a long hair in his food (definitely not envy)

[Pebbledashery]

Some of these are making me LOL!!

[Bluetrews25]

May the big, hairy, tattooed, mean, hard controlling bloke he shares a cell with in prison take a fancy to him.