Help me curse the scumbag who stole from me

[CautiousPractice]

Today I discovered that some utter scumbag has manged to obtain my bank details and spent my money on betting sites over the course of a day. This money was the deposit for my wedding.

Obviously I am dealing with getting my money back, and the other stuff you have to when this happens, but this asshole will probably just get away with it.

So, i've spent my lunch coming up with imaginative curses to wish upon him.

I curse him to always drop his toast topping side down on the hairiest patch of carpet.
To always be 1 digit out on the lottery numbers.
To get explosive diarrhoea whenever he's in a high stakes situation, like meeting a pretty girl, or a job interview.
To get intense crotch itches whenever hes chopping chillies, so that he ends up with fire crotch.
To never get an erection when he needs/wants one, but to always have one when he does not, like at a funeral, or a school or playground.
For his trousers to always be just a little bit too small and short, no matter how well they fit in the shop.

If you have anymore, I would welcome them.

[AnotherCupOfTeaVicar]

@SarahBellam

May he accidentally buy alcohol free beer.

Brutal
😀

[sashh]

May he forget his passport every time he tries to fly.

May his blood taste sweet to any and every biting insect.

May his duvet never quite cover his feet in winter.

May he be followed by rats like the pied piper.

May he never have a decent haircut.

May his take away delivery always be cold and late.

May his supermarket delivery always have something spilled on it.

May his shoes feel like stilettoes after a night out.

May he always sit behind a tall person at the cinema.

[toffeebutterpopcorn]

Or his trunks every time he goes swimming. Unlike ds of course, who was handed a spare pair this morning - literally a brand new pair put in his hand - as he swore to me that his old (and potentially too small) ones were already in his bag. We had a long discussion about how the new pair might be a little large but have a drawstring so they’d be ok.

Give me strength. He’s 16 not 6 for gods sake!

[BlowDryRat]

May he always be followed by an annoying, unswattable fly.

[Ellenthegenerous]

May his tea cup perinnially be empty

[Maggiesfarm]

May his Foreskin be forever Rumpled.

[sashh]

May his lottery numbers all be one digit away from a win.

May his back always itch in the one place he cannot reach.

May his farts always be loud at the theatre and smelly in bed.

May he never be able to find matching bed linen.