Help me curse the scumbag who stole from me

[CautiousPractice]

Today I discovered that some utter scumbag has manged to obtain my bank details and spent my money on betting sites over the course of a day. This money was the deposit for my wedding.

Obviously I am dealing with getting my money back, and the other stuff you have to when this happens, but this asshole will probably just get away with it.

So, i've spent my lunch coming up with imaginative curses to wish upon him.

I curse him to always drop his toast topping side down on the hairiest patch of carpet.
To always be 1 digit out on the lottery numbers.
To get explosive diarrhoea whenever he's in a high stakes situation, like meeting a pretty girl, or a job interview.
To get intense crotch itches whenever hes chopping chillies, so that he ends up with fire crotch.
To never get an erection when he needs/wants one, but to always have one when he does not, like at a funeral, or a school or playground.
For his trousers to always be just a little bit too small and short, no matter how well they fit in the shop.

If you have anymore, I would welcome them.

[sashh]

May his lottery numbers all be one digit away from a win.

May his back always itch in the one place he cannot reach.

May his farts always be loud at the theatre and smelly in bed.

May he never be able to find matching bed linen.

[Maggiesfarm]

May his Foreskin be forever Rumpled.

[Ellenthegenerous]

May his tea cup perinnially be empty

[BlowDryRat]

May he always be followed by an annoying, unswattable fly.

[toffeebutterpopcorn]

Or his trunks every time he goes swimming. Unlike ds of course, who was handed a spare pair this morning - literally a brand new pair put in his hand - as he swore to me that his old (and potentially too small) ones were already in his bag. We had a long discussion about how the new pair might be a little large but have a drawstring so they’d be ok.

Give me strength. He’s 16 not 6 for gods sake!

[sashh]

May he forget his passport every time he tries to fly.

May his blood taste sweet to any and every biting insect.

May his duvet never quite cover his feet in winter.

May he be followed by rats like the pied piper.

May he never have a decent haircut.

May his take away delivery always be cold and late.

May his supermarket delivery always have something spilled on it.

May his shoes feel like stilettoes after a night out.

May he always sit behind a tall person at the cinema.

[AnotherCupOfTeaVicar]

@SarahBellam

May he accidentally buy alcohol free beer.

Brutal
😀

[SarahBellam]

May he accidentally buy alcohol free beer.

[toffeebutterpopcorn]

@CareBear50

May he have pubic hair for teeth, and teeth for pubic hair

My dad used to say something about may he have only two teeth in their head but not meeting?

[CliffordTheBigBlueDog]

"annie335

Hoppinggreen

May his next shit be a hedgehog

Or a bowling ball"

May his next shit be a hedgehog that has swallowed a bowling ball.

[cricketmum84]

May his condoms contain just a bit of deep heat.

This is my favourite so far 😂😂

[LouKelly]

You are a star and i second every one of your curses ,may you enjoy a long and very happy married life .

[annie335]

@Hoppinggreen

May his next shit be a hedgehog

Or a bowling ball

[CareBear50]

May he have pubic hair for teeth, and teeth for pubic hair

[sashh]

I'm enjoying the cursing, I must get a life.

May his bread go moldy before it is out of date.

May the tooth fairy visit and poke holes in his toothpaste tube.

May his toothbrush always smell of poo.

May he never find matching socks in the drawer.

May his shoelaces become tied together whenever he sits down.

May the yolks of any eggs he cooks turn solid.

[TheSecondMrsAshwell]

@ConcussedPigeon

May he be covered in paper cuts and rolled in salt.

Ooooh, that's very creative.

If it hasn't been said before, may his internet connection crash just before he finds out whether he's won.

May he wake up one night to find a large man holding a baseball bat in his room.

And the ultimate..... May his name and address be published on Mumsnet along with a list of his sins.

[VisitingtheInfidel]

Great to hear you’ve got the money back. What a relief.
I’m not sure where this came from but it’s been pinned on my noticeboard for years.
May the ones who have wronged me
walk always uphill
in the rain
against the wind.
May their children bring home strange friends
who expect to be fed vegan food
off recycled plates
at very short notice.
May their pets run up large and interesting veterinary bills
even though they seem completely healthy
and then turn out to be pregnant
with a very large litter
of rather strange-looking off-spring.
May their bank lose their direct debit mandates
and then find them all
twice
just before payday.
May their car decide to make an expensive noise
just before they are due to go on holiday
and may the mechanic make that tooth-sucking sound
when he is telling them about how long it will take to fix
and where the parts have to be ordered from.
May their garden grow weeds
even in the lawn
even in the patio tubs.
May some of the weeds be illegal substances
and may their neighbours rat on them to the local police.
And may they remember the wrong they have done me
and put it right
immediately.

[sashh]

Glad to see your update but he still needs more curses.

May his taps always have an annoying drip.

May the binmen forget his bins every week.

May his cup of tea always taste like it has a spoon full of cheap instant coffee in it.

May he forever book planes to the 'wrong' place and not find out until he is in the air. Eg Sydney Canada, Paris Texas.

May his condoms contain just a bit of deep heat.

May his radio / spotyfy / whatever permanently play country music.

May he always have a big black head on his nose that will not squeeze but will never develop into a spot.

May he have Dumbledore's luck when picking sweets.

May all his Xmas presents be things he doesn't like and have been bought in a closing down sale.

May one foot grow a half size.

May his sat nav forget left from right.

May his TV always tune itself to Piers Morgan shows.

[DefinitelyOdd]

May his shower never consistently hold a temperature again.
May the shampoo always find his eyes.
May his socks always be too tight around the ankle so his feet puff up (like mine did after giving birth!)

[angelofthenorth72]

May he always spill coffee down the front of his trousers before a Very Important Meeting

[Inarightpickleandpreserve]

Similar thing happened to me with some dude trying to buy a car at the opposite end of the country, or pay a deposit and take finance, I remember getting the call from the bank, hanging up and hoping the next time he goes to the seaside and gets an ice cream the Mr Whippy part falls off with the flake and the cone he’s left holding attracted dive bombing seagulls.
DD then took it a step further by adding when he was trying to escape the vicious seagulls he’d trip fall over split his shorts and get both wounded by pecking hungry birds and laughed at by all the nice people on the beach.
We may have gone down a rabbit hole on that conversation

[jollygoodbargain]

@MangoBiscuit

May his tea drinking always be interrupted, until it is just a little bit too cold to really enjoy, but not enough to bother making a new one.

Oh this one is harsh

[gillybombilly]

May he be in constant agony from piles the size of plums that shoot jets of pain up his bottom forevermore.

[prawntoastie]

Sorry he or she.

[prawntoastie]

He stole your card details to spend on betting sites...his life is already shit