To not want kids after 30?

[Pennyblossomx]

I suspect I'll get flamed for this. But I just don't want anymore kids after I turn 30. I'm 26 got an almost 3 month old and a 5 year old and I just can't see myself wanting a baby after 30. AIBU?

YANBU. I had my children at 42 and 44 so at the other extreme to you. Each to their own. I'm sure a lot of the more obvious points have already been made but one thing that occurs to me is that at such a young age you have a lot of options open to you in terms of potential childbearing that someone like me hasn't. That probably makes me want it more, whereas you know you could at any time so write it off easily. I have a big online friendship group and I notice the ones most likely to say "never again, OMG I'd die" then announce "oops pregnant, oh totally shocked, actually it's great" are the youngest ones. The older ones set out the limited cards they have available with incredible care and attention. Not to say you'll change your mind though- two children is still a lot and it must be hard giving up your party years for motherhood.

I am always amused by the 'had some children in my early twenties and more in my thirties I had a lot less energy in my thirties', well yes you'd already had children and didn't spend your twenties suiting yourself, and just as you were getting some freedom back you decided to do it all again, no wonder you are exhausted, it's nothing to do with being over thirty! 😂

@KingdomScrolls

I am always amused by the 'had some children in my early twenties and more in my thirties I had a lot less energy in my thirties', well yes you'd already had children and didn't spend your twenties suiting yourself, and just as you were getting some freedom back you decided to do it all again, no wonder you are exhausted, it's nothing to do with being over thirty! 😂

I wasn’t going to say it but yes. There’s also the point to be made that older first time mums who conceive naturally or can make IVF work for them in the UK are incredibly healthy and fit; and often do have more energy. The longevity benefits of later motherhood are described in the Telomere effect if anyone wants to read it.

You already have kids so it’s not a bad decision to make.
I want kids around 34-35 when I should be stable in my own house, garden, business etc.

@PetraRabbit

YANBU. I had my children at 42 and 44 so at the other extreme to you. Each to their own. I'm sure a lot of the more obvious points have already been made but one thing that occurs to me is that at such a young age you have a lot of options open to you in terms of potential childbearing that someone like me hasn't. That probably makes me want it more, whereas you know you could at any time so write it off easily. I have a big online friendship group and I notice the ones most likely to say "never again, OMG I'd die" then announce "oops pregnant, oh totally shocked, actually it's great" are the youngest ones. The older ones set out the limited cards they have available with incredible care and attention. Not to say you'll change your mind though- two children is still a lot and it must be hard giving up your party years for motherhood.

You can’t have it all in life (like with anything). Clearly some are offended by OP I don’t know why they bothered to comment. It’s always the same older mothers claiming young mums must be overly exhausted... for me there’s no question if you have a baby younger the chances are you do have more energy didn’t we all 23?

I can see the other side too that some want to get the their careers in order and that makes perfect sense as well.

It’s not unreasonable. You started having children early, at 21 so why would you still want to be having them a decade later? IMO many want the baby stage over and done in a shorter period rather than across more than a decade. Also children closer in age some prefer.

But again, the OP has been annoyingly goady BUT lots of posters have used this as a chance to put younger mothers down. Why? You know the logic that kids after 30 being too old is bloody daft. Why rise to it? I’m a young mother, my child is extremely disabled and I don’t want to do this again, but wouldn’t bat an eyelid at someone of 30/40 having DC Maternal age is getting older. Quite natural considering the average life expectancy now, and an improvement (yes, just improvement), with regards to equality between men and women, so women now more likely to spend time doing further training, career prospects etc.

Nice to know I’m thought of so low. To make matters worse, my carer will probably never ‘kick off’ now because my DC is disabled and needs wraparound care

@PlanterGents

But again, the OP has been annoyingly goady BUT lots of posters have used this as a chance to put younger mothers down. Why? You know the logic that kids after 30 being too old is bloody daft. Why rise to it? I’m a young mother, my child is extremely disabled and I don’t want to do this again, but wouldn’t bat an eyelid at someone of 30/40 having DC Maternal age is getting older. Quite natural considering the average life expectancy now, and an improvement (yes, just improvement), with regards to equality between men and women, so women now more likely to spend time doing further training, career prospects etc.

Nice to know I’m thought of so low. To make matters worse, my carer will probably never ‘kick off’ now because my DC is disabled and needs wraparound care

Absolutely this. OP was definitely being goady but a lot of the other comments I've seen on here are negative about women who have children before age 30. There's no need for that either.

OP I that’s a wise decision....you’re clearly a little bit silly and two of your offspring in the gene pool is probably quite enough. You get that pill down you 👍🏻

Eh? Apologies as I’ve only read your opening post but how on earth would you be unreasonable? 2 is plenty anyway (says me with 3!)

I felt that I was ranting since I kept on going on and on, instead of keeping it short and sweet.
You said 'baby' so I assume you have one child.
I have 3 kids under 3. So a 2 year old, 1 year old and a 4 month old. I know that if I had them in my thirties, there is no way I could manage. Waking up every three hours in the night to breastfeed, and then staying awake the whole day because my kids sleep at different times, feeding them, entertaining them etc.
And as for being 'old' at 30, well I'm sure I'm.going to find out how it feels to be 30 in 5 years time, if I'm lucky.

If people want to have all their kids before they're 30, good for them. Some of us didn't meet our life partners until we were at least that age so kids naturally came later. It just depends on what happens in your life.

I agree with you.
I have a 1 year old and a 3 year old and have just turned 31.

I think about it in terms of getting to 50 and having gone through the horrific early years of waking up through the night, getting up at 4am, wiping shitty arses. For me, it has been beyond exhausting (I also have a condition which makes me excessively tired anyway), so it's just been awful in that sense.

I can understand how it is different for everyone though, and if it had been more of a struggle for me to conceive and carry my babies, then I would have had them at 45!

@Onairjunkie

Hi guys. I’ll probably get flamed for this but I’m so glad I didn’t waste my 20s producing children and instead spent it studying, travelling, working, saving, partying, more studying, way more travelling, loads more working and saving, a shit ton more partying, studying for a doctorate, buying a house, partying, more partying, more travelling and partying. I don’t know why just the idea of having kids and not being able to do any of those things just freaks me out, you know? 💁🏼‍♀️

In response to your reply*

@Mickey1234

This post made me laugh a little, not at you or anything, just I said the exact same thing at 30. I had my first at 23 and second at 30. Fast forward 10 years and at 40 I had my third and am currently pregnant with my fourth at 42!!! 😅. My point is, absolutely your choice and nothing wrong with it at all. You can also change your mind later if you fancy more and are blessed like me and can have them 😁 x

Ha love this! What a blessing x

It's a personal choice so how can it be unreasonable or reasonable? It just doesn't matter.

I don't see the point of your post?

You wouldn't want them over 39, I would never have had them before 30 - so what neither of us are right or wrong.

I'm the same, wanted three children by 30 and not later, but I have two children and a puppy! Third child didn't appear but I am happy and grateful for the two I do. I'm 37 and just feeling like I am getting back on top of my career - I took 3 years in total, not consecutively off which I loved but now I can focus on what I want to achieve with both children in school and that bit more time. I love that I have a bit of me time to socialise and exercise (when lockdown isn't in the way) and couldn't cope with sleepless nights or have the energy it takes to love another person! My friends are having their babies now - first and second ones and whilst the I envy their excitement and happiness, I really couldn't have another baby now I want to chill on my 40th not chase after a toddler.

According to national statistics since the 1920s the average woman has had 1 child before 30 and one child after.

Because it is an average many will differ.

It's a bit goady to suggest that yours is better.

Not that it's anyone's business, but I spent my 20s trying to repair the mental damage caused by my childhood, so that I didn't pass the trauma down to the next generation. My dd was born when I was mid 30s. I had a home, secure income and post therapy. Not everyone is in a position to have kids in their 20s. And those who do also tend to have more in their 30s.

I think the OP is either being goady or feels insecure in her choices, tbh. Not sure which.

Personally I love being 40 and having a 4 year old.

I had zero energy in my 20s and lots in my 30s, why are people assuming that you turn into a week and incompetent mess at 30??!!

*weak

So many confusing threads today.

You're not unreasonable for not wanting kids after 30, it's your life. You would be unreasonable, however, if you judged other people for having them after 30. From looking at how my peers are starting families, I'd say the majority haven't started families yet, and those who have were late 20s early 30s when they started. Most of them, anyway.

@Keepitonthedownlow

I had zero energy in my 20s and lots in my 30s, why are people assuming that you turn into a week and incompetent mess at 30??!!

I don’t think people are saying that. But what you did at 21 is not what you did at 40... everyone mellows as they get older and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Yes @bul21ia but all the 25 year old posters saying that they wouldn't be able to cope with 2+ kids in their 30s, what do they think happens when you turn 30? Actually I was also naive, when I was 20ish I thought at 30 your out on your slippers and smoked a pipe and put on your slippers. 40s was nursing home territory.

Obviously I'm being facetious but the only thing that is likely to make you feel tired is having kids, your energy levels are not that much different in your 20/30s. In my experience and most people in know. You don't fall off an energy cliff at 30.