I would never want to be with a man who had used a prostitute

[ATieLikeRichardGere]

I hope I haven’t unwittingly ever been. When I know some friends of friends who have on stag dos etc. I find it really hard to reconcile with the fact that they then have girlfriends, wives, children. I can forgive people a lot of things, and I sort of believe that everything should be forgivable, but for some reason my visceral reaction to this is very extreme. I feel like I can more easily find sympathy for a terrorist, which probably isn’t rational, but I just feel like this is something I can’t accept. It’s so upsetting.

The number of Female sex workers far outweigh the number of male sex workers. And when you look at how 98% of sexual predators are men, it puts a very different spin on it. Nope, it's 20%.

If sex workers actually wanted to sleep with these men they'd do it without the financial coercion

I love teaching, but I wouldn't do it for free.

Well said @MostTacticalNameChange not to mention other jobs don't involve the risk of serious damage and assault on your body by another human who is stronger and wealthier than you. I can't believe people are so thick as to actually make these comparisons

@Witchcraftandhokum

If sex workers actually wanted to sleep with these men they'd do it without the financial coercion

I love teaching, but I wouldn't do it for free.

Well same here, but consent to teaching and consent to sex are slightly different now aren't they?

It also doesn't fit the mn narrative that some "sex workers" aren't coerced and enjoy their jobs.

The number of Female sex workers far outweigh the number of male sex workers. And when you look at how 98% of sexual predators are men, it puts a very different spin on it.

And I suspect that the majority of male prostitutes are hired by men rather than women?

I couldn't be with a man who had paid for actual sex with a prostitute.

Having said that, when DH and I were younger in our 20s, he went to strip clubs on stag dos etc and I didn't really mind, but I was quite 'cool wife' back then. I have learnt a hell of a lot since then, as has he I think, and I think I would feel completely different about it now.

@Witchcraftandhokum

It also doesn't fit the mn narrative that some "sex workers" aren't coerced and enjoy their jobs.

The whole point of paying for sex is the women only give the men sex in exchange for money. How is that NOT coercion?

I don’t think anyone is saying that there are no sex workers who are there freely. There will be some obviously, possibly a lot of them. The issue is with the men who pay for sex. They won’t know that the woman they’re paying for sex is there willingly. I couldn’t be with a man who does this.

Yanbu OP, however I do find the phrase 'used a prostitute' fairly offensive also. Sex worker is the accepted term.

I always say this, but anyone who is in favour of the legalisation of prostitution and thinks that 'sex work is work' should spend a few hours reading the 'reviews' on a site like UK Punting. If prostitution was legal in the UK, then it would be completely legitimate to talk about an actual human woman like an object you have purchased from Amazon and are leaving a review for.

No.

I was a dancer in a strip club, I went to work and got paid for my time, just like any other job. I had friends who were escorts, same thing. A job we chose to do.

@BrumBoo

I do see that there is an appropriate time for using of sex workers and when its done properly I have no issues with it.

I genuinely cannot think of one good reason sex work should exist.

Lucrative done well

@Witchcraftandhokum Yeah but since you a)know what you're talking about, and b) don't dress up everything you don't like because you're massively conservative as "feminism", I'm sure all these very considerate women who only want to look out for other women will come down on you like a tonne of bricks.

I'm dealing with this at the moment. Had a hard line. In fact a double hard line as a feminist and also as someone who had an ex that confessed to this prior to meeting me. We split in awfully seedy (not prostitution) circumstances and I always thought that the red flag should have been enough. That ex probably admitted to it to me (after probing) a few weeks into our 2 year relationship.

That was 20 years ago.

I'm currently dating someone that did it twice. About 20 years ago. I asked (probed again, attitudes to porn, sex, stripping etc) about 6 months in and was, and still am, fekking devastated. Almost ended it then. 2 years later, I do still consider it at times, just because of this. And, as he also used to frequent lap dancing clubs (with work pals) for a while. Again, same era, 20 years ago.

I dunno. Some mornings I wake up and think that this, in itself, is reason for me to not proceed. It's a serious relationship; we do t lie together though. I love him. He's a gentle, sensitive, kind type. No concerns about it now, or anything similar. Would (of course), never ever have thought it of him.

I could tell you mitigating circumstances, although I know deep down there aren't any, ever. I am completely anti sex Industry in all its guises. I spend a lot of time thinking of the mitigation. Have to.

Industry he was in, mates he had, hedonism, thoughtlessness. Most of the time I can live with it, but worry whether it will just eat away at me, whether this year or in ten years.

I know I have done things that I would never do now. Have changed. I don't actually believe in leopard and spots, as I and many others can and do change in all sorts of ways. But yes, is this just always unforgivable, ultimately?

Bizarrely most of my mates that have met him and that I have confided in, despite feeling quite strongly on the issue, think that I should leave it in the past. That it's something of it's time and place, and that's he's not "like that".

Am always interested in others experiences of this... if you can move on. And I am not talking about current use, Christ that goes without saying that he'd be out. Am talking about telling you, some time into a loving and gentle relationship, about it happening a long time ago.

YABU to think everything should be forgivable. Terrorism, rape, cold-blooded murder of innocents, and child molestation spring to mind as things I'd never forgive. (That's what God is for, imo. God may forgive, but I can't.)

However, YANBU to find it impossible to forgive a man for going to a prostitute. Everyone is allowed his or her own line in the sand.

ohnomoreno

It's a complete deal breaker for me. Not all men do it/would do it. Most find it abhorrent.

A boyfriend years ago told me about unwittingly going on a lads holiday (work friends he didn't know that well) to Prague where the main focus was seeing sex workers each day. He described spending the days largely alone in the city. He was quite disturbed by the whole experience and didn't find it easy to talk about. That broke the spell of all men do it for me.

@GeorgiaMelissa I’m sure no one here supports forced labour, and also rape, which is occurring in Xinjiang. It is awful. It’s on my long long list of awful things happening, along with events in Yemen and Syria, climate change, and plenty more that I don’t know what to do about. There’s so much awful out there. Yes, indirect, unintentional exploitation is also a huge problem. I think lots of us are probably trying to do something. Regardless, prostitution is still exceedingly grim and buying this “service” is very direct, knowing exploitation. Can’t we have a zero tolerance policy for all of it??

@IdblowJonSnow some “sex workers” prefer “prostitute” so after listening to one such account, I went with it.

I've name changed for obvious reasons but I just wanted to say thank you to the many women here who take a hard line against the exploitation of sex workers.

I am an ex prostitute, unfortunately. I was introduced to 'the game' when I was very young, I was in an abusive relationship as are alot of the women in my (then) position. I seldom sit and reflect back to when it started as it's too painful. I wasn't sure whether or not I wanted to post anything at all.

PP is absolutely spot on about the sex workers need to disassociate during the act. I genuinely don't believe a single one of us ever enjoys sleeping with those men. I didn't. Not once. Never.

They made my skin crawl and the self proclaimed 'nice guys' we're the worst ones of them all.

I actually preferred the stony faced and cold clients who barely spoke to me over the ones who tried to 'befriend' me and pretended to give a shit about me as a person whilst using my body for money.

I don't care what their reasoning was for visiting me, they shouldn't have. Nobody is entitled to sex nor is it a need or necessity.

Many of my clients were forgettable but the ones who left me with the most trauma were the 'nice guys' I touched on above.

I have been stalked by three separate clients, all whom started off as wanting to be my friend because they cared so much about me. Little did they know or care that their intrusion and nosyness was getting me beaten at home. These were seemingly normal blokes, with normal jobs, you wouldn't pick them out of a crowd. Deluded, dangerous idiots who convinced themselves I enjoyed my 'job' and enjoyed having sex with them.

I was one of the lucky ones who got out without being killed or seriously injured by a client, but the anecdotes shared with me by other sex workers were enough to make my blood run cold. It's an extremely dangerous environment to be in and you attract all the dregs of society with their taboo perversions and total lack of respect for women.

It won't come as a surprise to many of you to hear that I have a total aversion to sex now, despite having moved on from that way of life and settled down with my own family.

If by any chance any men are reading this, do not buy sex. Please. We don't like you, we don't enjoy having sex with you and the vast majority of us are not doing it because we want to or have other viable choices.

@TemporaryNCapril21 thank you for sharing your story - I feel like your last paragraph should be on a T-shirt, or part of a campaign. Wonderfully insightful post

Nobody died from not having sex.

My ex partner told me he had sex with two prostituted women (or “hookers” as he put it), in front of about 60 men on a stag do. Said it was one of his proudest moments of his life when he shot his load over their faces. And all the men cheered.

I lost all respect for him then and things just deteriorated to the point where I realised he was degenerate.

I’ve never been with a man since or had sex in years. It affected me profoundly.

Why even YABU/YANBU this? If your personal line is that you like men but don't want to get involved with a man who has previously bought (or, I guess, "rented"? "Used"?) a woman for sex, then go with what you know - who cares what MN thinks?

@Awalkintime
DeadlyMedally there is no comparison and how ridiculous to suggest it
They're both purchases of the device of another person's body. What makes them different?

If consent can be bought then it in effect legalises all rape and sexual assault so long as money is given to the person.

I almost feel as if this is a troll.
If I were kidnapped, forced into my office and made to work against my will, this would be multiple crime regardless of how much I was paid.

If someone breaks into my house and steals my TV, this is theft, regardless of how much money they leave in it's place.

Monetary compensation can be part of the consideration for consent. Very few people have the luxury of having a job doing something they would have done for free. Oftentimes the money on offer is the biggest contributing factor to consent to work.

It's no different with sex work.