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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I selfish Brother’s Wedding

491 replies

HuxleyDog · 18/04/2021 11:16

Not a day has gone by over the last couple of years when I haven’t thanked my lucky stars that things have worked out for us.
We got married just before the world span off its axis. Our jobs were secure and we decided to try for a baby and this is due at the end of July.
All this is in direct contrast to my brother. He has lost his job and his wedding has been cancelled twice. This wedding has now been rearranged for August, the same venue as previously but fu a weekday. My baby will be either a couple of weeks or a couple of days.
I could tell when I told him on Zoom there was an issue. He came into the garden a week ago and said that the baby wasn’t invited. I was devastated. He spoke about unfortunate timing. My mother told him and future SiL the reality of having a new born and how we can’t be separated and if there were issues the baby would be taken out. My brother apparently looked embarrassed but future SiL said baby would be a distraction from the wedding with aunts and cousins naturally wanting to see him.
Now if you’re with me so far I have come to terms with this. I feel sorry for them because of Covid etc that they’re not getting the wedding they want. I have told my brother that I will come alone to the ceremony all being well and DH will pop into reception to wish them well now here is my AIBU. DH is no longer invited. He was only invited as he is my husband and they don’t want him popping in and causing a distraction. I am so upset it is actually hurting.
There is no backstory. We have all always got on. There has never been any hint of either of them being anything other than down to earth.
Would you be upset? Would you say anything?

OP posts:
EscapeDragon · 18/04/2021 13:35

@Sausageroll67

“ What is it about weddings that really exercises people’s selfish gland”

Oh maybe the £1000s they are spending on it? Selfish to me is wanting to inflict your kids into social situations when it’s an adult only environment.

A church is not an adult only environment.
PinkiOcelot · 18/04/2021 13:35

I would just decline to go at all. They’re being really pathetic.

Sexnotgender · 18/04/2021 13:35

I’d go and tell everyone that neither your tiny newborn or your husband were invited. They’re being absolute arseholes and I’d let people know why you were alone. But I’m a dick.

I’m 6 days postpartum and could probably attend an event. However this is baby number 3 and I had an incredibly straightforward birth. After my first I barely left the house for weeks and was a wreck.

GreyhoundG1rl · 18/04/2021 13:35

I don't quite get your dh "popping in" to the reception; to suggest this you must have already known he wasn't invited? Confused
And if they've specified (rightly or wrongly) no children, why would they want your dh popping in presumably with the baby? They'll know perfectly well that he can't exactly be asked to leave at any point, so they'll both be there for the duration?
All that said, I wouldn't actually go, in your position.

Grimbelina · 18/04/2021 13:36

They or one of he/she don't want you/your husband/your baby there, probably to do with some insecurity/jealousy. You very probably won't want be able to go/won't want to leave your baby and have probably had a lucky escape. Sadly it doesn't bode well for their marriage and future happiness. Focus on enjoying the rest of your pregnancy and your baby.

GeneParmesanPrivateEye · 18/04/2021 13:36

@rawlikesushi

I can't decide whether I'd decline or whether I'd go just so that I could tell everyone that dp and my baby aren't invited, not even to pop in for half an hour, through watery eyes whilst choking back a sob. Shits.
Ha, this...

In all honesty, 2 days/2 weeks post partum, I would not be arsed to dress up for a wedding. With my 2nd, I couldn't have done, even if I wanted to.

I'd certainly not bother for people who had disinvited my husband and newborn. I reckon they will be cringing down the line if they decide to have a child of their own.

Muchasgracias · 18/04/2021 13:37

Is it possible that due to limited numbers they don't want to give a place to your husband if he will simply be “popping in”?

Whatever their reasons, I agree they have behaved badly and understand your upset. I can never understand how weddings bring out such crazy in people.

Jenasaurus · 18/04/2021 13:37

The reason your SIL doesnt want your DH waiting outside the church with your newborn is because people arriving for the ceremony will come and coo over the baby before going in the church and there is the risk someone will invite them inside. I honestly think this is your SILs reason for disinviting your DH, nothing about the relatioship with him. She is being unfair and very bridzilla like, If I was you i would decline the invite, wish them a good day, but if asked why you havent gone, just tell the truth, that both your baby and your DH were not allowed to attend so you chose to stay with them.

Scottishskifun · 18/04/2021 13:37

Sounds like your SIL is being a massive bridezilla and wants the attention to be on her for their "special day" and is jealous of the thought of attention on a newborn instead of her!

Personally I would just decline and wouldn't go at all focus on your baby and your own family bubble. Don't get drawn into ridiculous antics of a bridezilla nobody wins against a woman stomping her foot about a newborn!

RampantIvy · 18/04/2021 13:37

I don't understand brides who feel that they must 100% be the centre of attention the entire day, because in reality they aren't. Can anyone honestly say that they have spent the entire day at a wedding focussing entirely on the bride and nothing/no-one else?

We had a toddler at our wedding. I can't even remember if she tried to steal the show or not. In the grand scheme of things it is really not important.

HoppingPavlova · 18/04/2021 13:38

What’s your relationship with your mum like? Will she tell the truth if people there ask? Likely Bridezilla will direct the narrative as you refused/didn’t want to attend. Your mum could counteract that by saying ‘Pity OP can’t come. Bride was worried baby would upstage her so asked for it to stay home. OP was still happy to come with DH outside with baby when she needed to feed but Bride didn’t want him on the grounds, even though it’s public. Such a shame and OP is gutted they have had to miss brothers wedding. Never mind, I’m sure we’ll have a good time’. Rinse and repeat to everyone she meets when they ask where you are.

People are entitled to have whoever they want/don’t want at their wedding, no problem. But this is basically prohibiting OP from attending at all by not allowing her DH to hang around outside in a public space (????) with the newborn so she can duck out when needed. A low, low act.

fairydustandpixies · 18/04/2021 13:39

Don't go. End of dilemma.

Spidey66 · 18/04/2021 13:39

I do get childfree weddings, but exceptions need to be made for newborns, and IMO babies up to a year. They need breastfeeding, for one. It's not like you're taking up a seat or a meal. Even an older baby who is maybe being weaned will likely have food brought by tgge parents and/or have little bits from the parents plate.

I don't think you've got any option to say no. It's the risk you take when you have a blanket ban.

Spidey66 · 18/04/2021 13:39

Any option but to say no.

wizzywig · 18/04/2021 13:40

Why is it so bad to be upset you can't go to your own brother's wedding? I was probably one of those odd ones who did do whole day event after the birth and didn't have weeping episiotomy wounds, leaky boobs

Rejoiningperson · 18/04/2021 13:42

To be honest, health wise it is not a good idea for either you or the baby to attend an event with others. It’s such a major event, childbirth, and babies have very immature immune systems. In the first month all should be quiet, calm and at home.

Shame your brother sounds like he doesn’t have a clue!

Concestor · 18/04/2021 13:43

I think I wouldn't reply at all. Let them chase you. And then don't reply for a while, leave it as late as possible and then eventually say "oh I didn't think I was invited at all, I mean you actually disinvited DH and told me you don't want your niece/nephew there so I assumed you didn't want me there either".

There's no way they can't respond to that without looking like the dicks they are.

I'd be so upset and angry OP, they are behaving really badly. Can't your mum or dad have a word? Mine would.

JaniceBattersby · 18/04/2021 13:44

Some people just lose the plot when it comes to weddings. They’ll probably look back in a couple of years and realise they were being complete twats but it’ll be too late by then. I definitely wouldn’t even think about going.

Radioheadbanz · 18/04/2021 13:46

I don't get this. A wedding is a great time to have all the generations under one roof and celebrate a lovely event. I don't understand why a woman who is getting married., and presumably wants DC herself would be so callous towards her new family.

Your SIL is an idiot. Talk about shooting herself in the foot before she even gets married. I know she is marrying your DB but pissing off her SIL and MIL is not a good start to a marriage.

billy1966 · 18/04/2021 13:47

What has changed in the last 30 years with weddings that some women have to behave so badly?

I never heard a whiff of it when myself and my circle were getting married.

We invariably had weddings with between 100-150 people and truth be told we barely mentioned them.

We certainly would have dreamed of boring the arse off those around us.

My mother definitely organised the finer details and I just went along with it, not really having an opinion one way or the other.

I do remember stressing to the hotel the absolute importance of all hot food to be hot having been at a wedding where the food was tepid and thinking it spoiled an otherwise lovely meal.

Other than that, I just got on with it.
No drama whatsoever.

This too would have been the case in the other weddings of my friends.

When did all this drama and 'zilla behaviour come from?

It sounds so upsetting for those witnessing it.

Alsohuman · 18/04/2021 13:49

future SiL said baby would be a distraction from the wedding with aunts and cousins naturally wanting to see him

And here we have it. Do you see this wedding really happening with an unhappy groom four months before the event? And if it does, the marriage lasting very long?

Weddings are supposed to be about families celebrating together and supporting one another. Any bride with an ounce of humanity would be happy to facilitate a first meeting between a newborn and their family. Especially now.

BungleandGeorge · 18/04/2021 13:49

They’ve made it clear that they don’t want children at the wedding, it’s unreasonable for your husband to turn up with a baby. Yes they are right that everyone will want to see the baby and it’s unlikely it will be a quick ‘pop in’ . It’s not what I’d do but I think they are perfectly entitled to do so if they want. I’d go to the ceremony if you are able to (depending if baby is late is there a chance you won’t have had it?). He’s your brother it will make him happy and it’s only 1/2 hour.

TrashPanda · 18/04/2021 13:50

I wouldn't go and I wouldn't feel bad about it. I would send them a message along the lines of 'After all the difficulties and upheaval already caused by the pandemic they understandably want to make definite plans for their wedding. As you have a baby due around the time of the wedding and babies are notoriously unreliable at arriving 'as planned' and you have no idea how you will be on the day of the wedding, that you will bow out now so they can make definite decisions for the day without the uncertainty.'
I would be sad to miss the wedding but based on how I felt after my 3 were born I would have had a rubbish time that soon after birth anyway.

EverdeRose · 18/04/2021 13:51

I sould politely decline the invitation. Make it clear that you won't be parted from your newborn, to be honest it's ridiculous for it even to be suggested.

If anyone asks why you're not going, tell them thd truth.

Cam77 · 18/04/2021 13:52

@billy1966
My guess . Either :
A) people don’t behave worse - we just hear more about because of social media.
B) social media. For the addicted, they are the star of their own show nowadays. Other people are just supporting actors or extras.