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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I selfish Brother’s Wedding

491 replies

HuxleyDog · 18/04/2021 11:16

Not a day has gone by over the last couple of years when I haven’t thanked my lucky stars that things have worked out for us.
We got married just before the world span off its axis. Our jobs were secure and we decided to try for a baby and this is due at the end of July.
All this is in direct contrast to my brother. He has lost his job and his wedding has been cancelled twice. This wedding has now been rearranged for August, the same venue as previously but fu a weekday. My baby will be either a couple of weeks or a couple of days.
I could tell when I told him on Zoom there was an issue. He came into the garden a week ago and said that the baby wasn’t invited. I was devastated. He spoke about unfortunate timing. My mother told him and future SiL the reality of having a new born and how we can’t be separated and if there were issues the baby would be taken out. My brother apparently looked embarrassed but future SiL said baby would be a distraction from the wedding with aunts and cousins naturally wanting to see him.
Now if you’re with me so far I have come to terms with this. I feel sorry for them because of Covid etc that they’re not getting the wedding they want. I have told my brother that I will come alone to the ceremony all being well and DH will pop into reception to wish them well now here is my AIBU. DH is no longer invited. He was only invited as he is my husband and they don’t want him popping in and causing a distraction. I am so upset it is actually hurting.
There is no backstory. We have all always got on. There has never been any hint of either of them being anything other than down to earth.
Would you be upset? Would you say anything?

OP posts:
Lorw · 18/04/2021 13:09

Our weddings been rearranged from last month to beginning of October, my brothers girlfriend is due my niece at the end of September. I’m gonna put no pressure on them to come and won’t be offended if they don’t but if they want to they are welcome, I’d rather a newborn than an unruly toddler 😁😂

Don’t put pressure on yourself to go, your brothers made it impossible for you to be honest ☹️

sensiblesometimes · 18/04/2021 13:11

Go to the wedding , smile be happy for them , leave early. These are strange times . Move on and breath , Don't cause a rift , keep the peace. Life is too short .

orangecinnamon · 18/04/2021 13:12

@BuggerBognor

Your SIL is a ‘Zilla. Christ it baffles me why people (usually women) think others give a shiny shite about their wedding over and above the party/socializing. I barely gave a shit about my own. Do they think guests sit there gawping at the beauty of the bride and the tastefulness of the table centerpieces? People are batshit.
Grin yes exactly this. I can't understand it at all. Totally bonkers.

I vote a massive christening party or first birthday might be in order.

3Britnee · 18/04/2021 13:13

If you go op, do the same to her at your christening/naming party. Invite your db but not her as she isn't family and 'she'll steal your baby's limelight as a new wife'. Fuck her from now on.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 18/04/2021 13:13

@sensiblesometimes

Go to the wedding , smile be happy for them , leave early. These are strange times . Move on and breath , Don't cause a rift , keep the peace. Life is too short .
She may still be physically unable to as so close to having given birth Hmm. Why should a postpartum woman with a newborn baby be the one to put herself out to 'keep the peace' and not cause a rift? That's not her job, her job and obligation is to the newborn infant, not her brother.
ConnieCaterpillar70 · 18/04/2021 13:15

I'd say now that you won't be there, and you're not putting yourself under pressure with a new baby to get dressed up/be there. Just remember that they'll spend the whole day explaining why you're not there, not you. If they think that other guests won't notice they're very naive, especially if relatives are expecting to meet your baby for the 1st time.

You'll have better things to occupy you. Weddings make twats of a lot of people, sadly, and your brother sounds like one of them.

RobertaSloth · 18/04/2021 13:19

They’re being total dickheads. I don’t think you should go at all. Have a nice day at home with your baby and husband instead.

Liverbird77 · 18/04/2021 13:22

I would decline without a second thought. They are being horrible to you.
You can't predict how you will be, either physically or mentally after the birth. Also, the baby will be totally reliant on you (well, if you're breastfeeding).

They sound really immature. Are they very young?
When they have kids of their own they'll look back and cringe!

Buy them a nice gift and wish them well.

Congratulations on your baby!

Twolostsoulsswimminginafishbow · 18/04/2021 13:23

It sounds like you have a bridezilla on your hands. Don’t worry you can go to his next one...

Merryoldgoat · 18/04/2021 13:23

@BuggerBognor

Your SIL is a ‘Zilla. Christ it baffles me why people (usually women) think others give a shiny shite about their wedding over and above the party/socializing. I barely gave a shit about my own. Do they think guests sit there gawping at the beauty of the bride and the tastefulness of the table centerpieces? People are batshit.
Yup. My main concern about my wedding was whether I’d bought enough booze.

I can’t imagine anyone cared about much other than the food and party.

Personally I’d probably have a conversation with my brother.

‘DB - obviously I won’t be there as I can’t leave the baby - that’s fine. But you need to think about your life and if this is how you want it to be be as this is the start of a hopefully long marriage. Do what you want but remember you should have a say too.’

Then I’d just leave them all to their nonsense.

SofiaMichelle · 18/04/2021 13:23

@Sausageroll67

“ What is it about weddings that really exercises people’s selfish gland”

Oh maybe the £1000s they are spending on it? Selfish to me is wanting to inflict your kids into social situations when it’s an adult only environment.

I agree with this.

They don't want babies at the wedding. That's fine, it's up to them.

Outside of MN a lot of people hate the idea of babies at weddings. In fact, I'd say more don't want babies there than do.

Sausageroll67 · 18/04/2021 13:23

Why are people missing the point that it’s the brother and SIL to Be’s wedding and it’s their choice to have it as they wish? Children running about/childfree, heck even have a congregation full of people in clown outfits if they wanted! The amount of money people spend on weddings gives them the right to be selfish. Also, if the invite doesn’t suit your circumstances then it’s also your right to decline. All this slagging off of the couple is bizarre.

I don’t get the un inviting of the husband though, but as a PP speculated, that may be due to COVID number restrictions.

Oneeyeopen · 18/04/2021 13:24

I find this incredibly spiteful and nasty.
You won’t be on family photographs and one day I think your db will regret it.
If either of my adult dd had tried to pull this stunt I would have let them know that I felt disappointed in how badly I had raised them.
Our nephew had a no child wedding but made an exception for a newborn.
There’s some immature jealousy going on here!

DeclineandFall · 18/04/2021 13:26

I've just seen your DH isn't allowed to wait outside the church. They have well and truly lost the run of themselves. I'd be tempted the pair of you to go with the baby and wait outside for them to come out of the church.

I went to 2 weddings one summer where the same couple brought their baby when it was specifically not invited to either and just styled it out. Both bridezillas were raging. It was cheeky af but quite funny at one as the bride had gone into full on control freak mode.

campion · 18/04/2021 13:26

If your DH has been disinvited then you support him first,not your brother. You're a unit as far as this is concerned. I certainly wouldn't be going without him.

You're unlikely to be available anyway, but if you are,don't think of leaving your baby behind. We had a 3 week old at our otherwise child free wedding and it was a non issue. At that age they're usually sleep more than awake and anyone with an ounce of sensitivity would quietly take them out if they started crying.

Sensitivity is obviously not your future SiL's strong point when it's not about her.

HandsIntoTheFire · 18/04/2021 13:26

God I would be FURIOUS and so would my mum. Fuck the pair of them. They’ll look back on this and cringe.

honeybuns007 · 18/04/2021 13:28

Just make sure you have a clear narrative of this as I wouldn't be at all surprised if they create one in which you and your DH rejected them and chose not to attend for selfish or other reasons.

bloodyhell19 · 18/04/2021 13:28

I'm due in June & if I was in your situation, I wouldn't go. I wouldn't add to SIL's dramatics, but I'd mull it over and then decide whether or not to go after the baby is born. You'd only be going to the church anyway, so not adding to their numbers for meal/food.

For me though, I firmly believe when someone has shown you their arse, believe them the first time. Not only have they uninvited your husband, but also your child - that's all shades of wrong & also it's a lot of stress to dump on you when you're this pregnant.

Enjoy your baby & don't put yourself under pressure to be there for people who clearly don't give a damn. You'll be a new level of exhausted, tender, probably still bleeding & also coping with feeding. Is SIL also going to ban people asking about your new baby if you do go? She sounds like a crazy bitch.

HandsIntoTheFire · 18/04/2021 13:29

It’s fine to not want babies at your wedding but you also need to accept in that case that some people won’t be able to go.

It’s the husband thing i would be furious about. It would be too tempting for him to come in, wtf?? Who do they think they are

M0rT · 18/04/2021 13:29

I'm so sorry, I can't imagine how hurtful this is especially as your brother has always been "normal" before.
Don't hide a disinvite from your DH as this could well come up in conversation again and you don't want him to hear from someone else.
Also you are understandably hurt and you need to be able to explain to him why.
I think your brother is not being very bright here, it will be far more remarked upon you not being there especially as your parents, extended family who know your baby and DH were uninvited are unlikely not to gossip about it.
I'm a bit of a bitch so if your up to it would suggest to any family going to the church that they are welcome to call and see the baby while their close if they like.
But you may be a better person than that.

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 18/04/2021 13:30

If it's in a church they can't actually stop you all going......

autumnboys · 18/04/2021 13:32

I’m really so sorry. They are being ridiculous and I would be really hurt about the whole thing. It is very gracious of you to be prepared to go to the wedding if you’re feeling up to it. A wedding is actually a public ceremony and if your husband were to come with the pram they can’t bar him, but I can see that you are going for a conciliatory approach (which I admire). One day they may look back and realise how silly they were, but you at least will look back and know you did all you could to make it work. Flowers

(I do wonder though, are they expecting you not to mention the baby at all, to anyone, on the day? And what are they expecting you to say if someone asks you where is the baby/where is your DH? Might need to think of a response to that in advance - maybe ‘bride & groom wanted a child free wedding and LO is too small to be left with anyone. But fortunately we’re so close by I was able to slip away for the ceremony.’ And then change the subject!)

bloodyhell19 · 18/04/2021 13:32

Sorry, I should add, I'm also married & had a child-free wedding apart from the immediate family members who did have young children, I would never ever ever dream of telling my sibling that they couldn't bring their baby, I'd leave that up to them & what they're comfortable with.

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 18/04/2021 13:32

And to be honest, you turning up to church without your newborn is likely to get as much attention anyway- people will be wondering how you are etc etc (not to mention wondering where on earth the baby is!)

ChequerBoard · 18/04/2021 13:34

Whether the baby is 2 days or 2 weeks old on the day of the wedding, you and the newborn are a package deal at that point.

I would decline their invitation, on the grounds that they making it impossible for you to attend. Wish them well but clear about why you can't go.

They are being utterly ridiculous, but as others have said, they will not see it until they have their own baby. At which point they will (if they are nice people underneath it all) probably be mortified.